if youre have trouble getting truths then send them this

[nabelp]

Here I was...127 days after DD and I still felt like I was not getting truths. I still got robotic and rehearsed answers. Although I was in a better place then I was on day 1, it still bothered me that I knew that she was still not telling me the whole truth. That all changed when I ran across the following letter online and sent it to her. She came home from work that night and we talked til 3am. It was finally my wife talking to me. The man she married 24 years ago. Her best friend. She spilled and spelled out all the details. This was three nights ago and I have never felt better about the A and feel like I can FINALLY move on without feeling like I'm insane. I always knew in my gut that she was still lying to me until I sent her the below letter. Whoever wrote it, I thank you from the bottom of my heart. It was everything I wanted to say but didnt know how....Anyways, here it is:

 

"I know you are feeling the pain of guilt and confusion. I understand that you wish all this never happened and that you wish it would just go away. I can even believe that you truly love me and that your indiscretion hurts you emotionally much the same way it hurts me. I understand your apprehension to me discovering little by little, everything that led up to your indiscretion, everything that happened that night, and everything that happened afterwards. I understand. No one wants to have a mistake or misjudgment thrown in his or her face repeatedly. No one wants to be forced to "look" at the thing that caused all their pain over and over again. I can actually see, that through your eyes, you are viewing this whole thing as something that just needs to go away, something that is over, that he/she doesn't mean anything to you, so why is it such a big issue? I can understand you wondering why I torture myself with this continuously, and thinking, doesn't he/she know by now that I love him/her? I can see how you can feel this way and how frustrating it must be. But for the remainder of this letter I'm going to ask you to view my reality through my eyes.

 

"You were there. There is no detail left out from your point of view. Like a puzzle, you have all the pieces and you are able to reconstruct them and be able to understand the whole picture, the whole message, or the whole meaning. You know exactly what that picture is and what it means to you and if it can effect your life and whether or not it continues to stir your feelings. You have the pieces, the tools, and the knowledge. You can move through your life with 100% of the picture you compiled. If you have any doubts, then at least you're carrying all the information in your mind and you can use it to derive conclusions or answers to your doubts or question. You carry all the "STUFF" to figure out OUR reality. There isn't really any information, or pieces to the puzzle that you don't have.

 

"Now let's enter my reality. Let's both agree that this affects our lives equally. The outcome no matter what it is well affect us both. Our future and our present circumstances are every bit as important to me as it is to you. So, why then is it okay for me to be left in the dark? Do I not deserve to know as much about the night that nearly destroyed our relationship as you do? Just like you, I am also able to discern the meaning of certain particulars and innuendoes of that night and just like you, I deserve to be given the opportunity to understand what nearly brought our relationship down. To assume that I can move forward and accept everything at face value is unrealistic and unless we stop thinking unrealistically I doubt our lives well ever "feel" complete. You have given me a puzzle. It is a 1000 piece puzzle and 400 random pieces are missing. You expect me to assemble the puzzle without the benefit of looking at the picture on the box. You expect me to be able to discern what I am looking at and to appreciate it in the same context as you. You want me to be as comfortable with what I see in the picture as you are. When I ask if there was a tree in such and such area of the picture you tell me don't worry about it, it's not important. When I ask whether there were any animals in my puzzle you say don't worry about it, it's not important. When I ask if there was a lake in that big empty spot in my puzzle you say, what's the difference, it's not important. Then later when I'm expected to "understand" the picture in my puzzle you fail to understand my disorientation and confusion. You expect me to feel the same way about the picture as you do but deny me the same view as you. When I express this problem you feel compelled to admonish me for not understanding it, for not seeing it the way you see it. You wonder why I can't just accept whatever you chose to describe to me about the picture and then be able to feel the same way you feel about it.

 

"So, you want me to be okay with everything. You think you deserve to know and I deserve to wonder. You may honestly feel that the whole picture, everything that happened is insignificant because in your heart you know it was a mistake and wish it never happened. But how can I know that? Faith? Because you told me so? Would you have faith if the tables were turned? Don't you understand that I want to believe you completely? But how can I? I can never know what is truly in your mind and heart. I can only observe you actions, and what information I have acquired and slowly, over time rebuild my faith in your feelings. I truly wish it were easier.

 

"So, there it is, as best as I can put it. That is why I ask questions. That is where my need to know is derived from. And that is why it is unfair for you to think that we can effectively move forward and unfair for you to accuse me of dwelling on the past. My need to know stems from my desire to hold our world together. It doesn't come from jealousy, it doesn't come from spitefulness, and it doesn't come from a desire to make you suffer. It comes from the fact that I love you. Why else would I put myself through this? Wouldn't it be easier for me to walk away? Wouldn't it be easier to consider our relationship a bad mistake in my life and to move on to better horizons? Of course it would, but I can't and the reason I can't is because I love you and that reason in itself makes all the difference in the world."

[BetrayedH]

Yes, this is commonly known as, Joseph's Letter.

 

It's contained in the wayward spouse thread pinned at the top of this forum and it's the main reason that I try to direct every wayward to read that thread.

 

Very glad to hear that it was impactful at getting you some more truth.

[harrybrown]

You told us earlier that you had all the truth and then after contact with the OM's wife some more truth came out.

 

Your wife has hit you with the trickle-truth. I do hope this time she has really seen the light.

 

However, her actions should speak louder than her words. I hope she has stopped texting other men and cheating with them.

 

It did seem like she had two PAs and maybe was starting another EA when you caught her. Has she been to counseling to find out what is wrong with her boundaries?

 

How would she feel if you had a couple of affairs?

 

Glad that you are feeling better and hope she figures out what a chance you are giving her to stay. You still may want that agreement that if she cheats again that you get custody of your daughter, she pays alimony and child support and you get a favorable property settlement.

[gettingstronger]

That letter helped us as well, I also gave him the what every WS should know that's pinned to the top of this forum. I am happy for you that the lines of communication are opening up. Best to you!