BruisedBNBroken Posted March 7, 2014 Posted March 7, 2014 Lou: I could have written your same exact post with a few minor differences. I am recently seperated and met a "great" guy online. Had a ton of stuff in common, he came on really strong, instant chemistry and connection, texting and talking all day and all night for a few weeks. Amazing first 2 dates. We slept together on date 3. Had a great time (or so I thought!) difference being that instead of disappearing, I got a voicemail the next morning that he just for our of a relationship and blah blah blah blah our amazing evening brought out all these unexpected emotions and he can't continue. Funny thing is I made it VERY clear from the beginning that I was not looking for anything serious because of my situation. We could had a great friends with benefits situation but he ran. Which is so interesting considering he was the one that literally was so charming and would not leave me alone in the beginning. Oh well. Like you, we live we learn and we make better or different decisions going forward. Your attitude about it is great and I think it's way better that this happened immediately instead of after months when you probably would have gotten invested/attached. 2
Author Lou1003 Posted March 7, 2014 Author Posted March 7, 2014 OK...So quick update: he just texted me! Bearing in mind he left my place on Tuesday morning and it's now Friday lunchtime...what does this mean? Should I wait a couple of days before I text back? I need to play this right but obviously I'm not great at doing that when left to my own devices so could do with input from others! Here's what I texted him on Wednesday at 1pm: "Hey, how was hockey yesterday? Hope you weren't too tired when you got home!" Today he texted me: "Hey, hockey was great. How's your week going?" Thoughts/advice welcome! How do I regain control of the situation and make him sweat a little?
Ruby Slippers Posted March 7, 2014 Posted March 7, 2014 How do I regain control of the situation and make him sweat a little? :confused::confused: This guy ignored you for 3 days after his full-court press leading to sex. And you're still interested??????? And want to "regain control"??? :confused::confused: He's been in control of this entire situation, start to finish. How about exercising some self-control and self-respect and ignoring this jerk? 11
Iguanna Posted March 7, 2014 Posted March 7, 2014 So you are advising her to totally ignore him, without giving him at least the chance to give an excuse for his absence or her having a more valid reason to have dumped him than "he didn't contact me for 3 days"? I'm sorry but sometimes I don't get you. Sometimes people are acting like couples should be or are at war with each other and someone HAS to win. If it were me in the OP's shoes I'd definitely express my feelings to him, after giving him the chance to give me a valid reason for having disappeared for 3 days. If he acts like nothing has happened, I'd tell him "listen I didn't like the fact that you disappeared these days, I thought we had a connection and you disappearing and especially after our first time we had sex kind of concerned me". Lets see what he has to say. If he is a total jerk (as you present him, being a pilot and all), he'll show it right there and then I would leave him, having the proper closure and not wondering for a long time "what if...". Does this make me insecure and clingy? I don't care. It's hard for me to even find someone I connect to in the first place, I'm not gonna let them go that easily, I'd give the benefit of the doubt. I'd not jump to the first taxi I'd found to meet him of course, I'd stay away for a couple of days, but I'd surely tell him my concerns. Lack of honesty is what drives couples apart. 1
readynow Posted March 7, 2014 Posted March 7, 2014 Hey, this is how it happened to me! He texted 3 days later and said the earth stopped moving, everyone died and he managed to escape - or something similar. I replied a few hours later with one line saying sorry to hear about his troubles and hope it'll be ok for him soon. Perhaps he was expecting something more dramatic or that absence would have made my heart grow fonder. He never messaged after that and neither did I. Someone who will let you be for days like that is so not worth it. Better to move on now than keep wasting your precious time because if he does come back, it's probably just for one thing. 3
Ruby Slippers Posted March 7, 2014 Posted March 7, 2014 If it were me in the OP's shoes I'd definitely express my feelings to him, after giving him the chance to give me a valid reason for having disappeared for 3 days. While I agree with you that letting him know how she felt about him going silent is not a bad idea, there is no "valid reason" for doing it, short of a serious emergency. That obviously didn't happen, given the casual nature of his text today. Does this make me insecure and clingy? I don't care. It's hard for me to even find someone I connect to in the first place, I'm not gonna let them go that easily, I'd give the benefit of the doubt. So because you feel like you don't meet men easily, you're fine with a guy going from completely hot with active daily communication for about a month, to completely silent and disengaged after sex? I find that sad. Only an ******* behaves this way. Do you really think that a guy would go completely silent like that if he really gave a damn about the woman? If she sees him again, she's telling him clearly that his ******* behavior is fine with her and she has no self-respect. 8
letmoc Posted March 7, 2014 Posted March 7, 2014 He saw your text and chose to ignore it for theree days. That would be a rude thing for a friend to do much less somebody you just had sex with. 1
ascendotum Posted March 7, 2014 Posted March 7, 2014 He saw your text and chose to ignore it for theree days. That would be a rude thing for a friend to do much less somebody you just had sex with. Going from daily txting to slow place txting after the sex is not an ideal sign when it comes to sustained enthusiasm, which is what she wants.. Still she got a reply back so she likes to think naturally she's still in the running. A bit of a lame txt though no reason given for slow response and a 'hows your week been'...putting the onus on her to come up with something interesting for a convo (still so many women do the same). Pilots do have a bit of a rep and the glamor job attracts women alone (apart from the air hostees who sleep with em) and thats discounting his looks & personality. I'd say he's used to having women come on to him, so likely is used to not having to chase hard (though he was in daily contact pre sex). You also need to take into account that some people lead very full lives. This guy is flying here & there, recovering from jet lag, skiing overseas, playing/going to sport events, catching up with friends and most likely going out on dates with other women from that date site. It depends how much she likes & wants him and wants to let him know she is still keen on him. She has already slept with him, so its not like she has to worry about being palyed for sex now. She can steer the next couple of dates away from ending up back at her/his place and sus him out more. Well...dating 'great catch' guys is tricky.
Ruby Slippers Posted March 7, 2014 Posted March 7, 2014 Well...dating 'great catch' guys is tricky. It really isn't, provided the "catch" is really into the woman he's dating. No guy would pull this lame behavior with a woman he really likes and sees a future with, no matter how much of a catch he is. Sobering but true words a guy friend told me once about the way guys think: "If she's amazing, she's not easy. And if she's easy, she's not amazing."
StanMusial Posted March 7, 2014 Posted March 7, 2014 This behavior makes no sense to me. Why put in all of that effort to just hit it one time? Where was the effort? Seemed pretty easy to me. You did nothing wrong. If the guy is into you he's into you whether you have sex on your second date or the 10th. My second husband was a one-night-stand. You were both consenting adults. If he judged you for being an assertive confident sexual young woman then you don't need him. Do you even know what a one night stand is? OP I don't know that you "ruined things", but I think you learned a lesson. 1
Iguanna Posted March 8, 2014 Posted March 8, 2014 So because you feel like you don't meet men easily, you're fine with a guy going from completely hot with active daily communication for about a month, to completely silent and disengaged after sex? I find that sad. Only an ******* behaves this way. Do you really think that a guy would go completely silent like that if he really gave a damn about the woman? If she sees him again, she's telling him clearly that his ******* behavior is fine with her and she has no self-respect. I'd still express my disappointment and expect from him an excuse that I would then evaluate, before I'd go NC. 99% he is a common jerk, but given that she had such a connection with him, why not give him a chance to justify himself? She doesn't have to accept what he says. I think that women with too much self-respect have destroyed human relationships. Women nowadays have too much confidence and they think the world owes them, that's why they act like men and men take advantage of them. Our grandmothers were not stupid that they waited until at least an engagement to let the guy touch them. I know nobody agrees with this opinion, but that's what I think. 3
Ruby Slippers Posted March 9, 2014 Posted March 9, 2014 I think that women with too much self-respect have destroyed human relationships. Women nowadays have too much confidence and they think the world owes them, that's why they act like men and men take advantage of them. Our grandmothers were not stupid that they waited until at least an engagement to let the guy touch them. I know nobody agrees with this opinion, but that's what I think. I don't get the first part of what you're saying. How is women having self-respect a bad thing? But I agree with you that women having sex with men they barely know and getting burned is a big problem. I think both women and men will be better off if women become more discerning and cautious about whom they have sex with. 3
melell Posted March 9, 2014 Posted March 9, 2014 I'd still express my disappointment and expect from him an excuse that I would then evaluate, before I'd go NC. 99% he is a common jerk, but given that she had such a connection with him, why not give him a chance to justify himself? She doesn't have to accept what he says. I think that women with too much self-respect have destroyed human relationships. Women nowadays have too much confidence and they think the world owes them, that's why they act like men and men take advantage of them. Our grandmothers were not stupid that they waited until at least an engagement to let the guy touch them. I know nobody agrees with this opinion, but that's what I think. I agree with what you are saying, although I do think our grandmothers actions were more to do with social norms than genuine self respect. I personally do think some females can take feminist thought a bit far and prevent relationships forming because they have so many ideals that aren't quite realistic. In OPs case I would hear the guy out, but tread very very carefully. Given he did reply, and gave no real explanation, she should 100% avoid him. I don't think that is a case of self respect turning into unreasonable ideals, she would just be using good logic. 1
Leigh 87 Posted March 9, 2014 Posted March 9, 2014 I'd still express my disappointment and expect from him an excuse that I would then evaluate, before I'd go NC. 99% he is a common jerk, but given that she had such a connection with him, why not give him a chance to justify himself? She doesn't have to accept what he says. I think that women with too much self-respect have destroyed human relationships. Women nowadays have too much confidence and they think the world owes them, that's why they act like men and men take advantage of them. Our grandmothers were not stupid that they waited until at least an engagement to let the guy touch them. I know nobody agrees with this opinion, but that's what I think. Because 99% of the time when a girl thinks she has a "connection" with a guy, it is ONE SIDED. Almost all of the instances where women think they have an "amazing connection", it is rarely actually true that the guy will feel the same way regarding this "connection". Guys who truly feel that connection snap the girl up. They ask them to be their girlfriend. They show through their actions that they want to be with this girl and they do not want to lose her to another guy. One guy told me that he felt such an earth shattering "connection". My knees went weak the second I laid eyes on him. I assumed the intense chemistry was mutual. Turns out it wasn't because he disappeared. He came back and said he always did think I was gorgeous and he had such an instant connection and he always did have feelings for me. He left because he was mentally unwell, supposedly. WRONG; he wasn't into me and he totally lied about feeling an amazing connection. He would not have left me if his so called "connection" with me was that amazing! Men who feel a truly ground breaking connection do not let a girl slip away from them without a good fight. 1
IMJUSTONE Posted March 9, 2014 Posted March 9, 2014 (edited) There's another possibility. He could have been very enamored with you and truly looking to settle down. He may have moved too fast like you did to take it to that level, caught up in the passion. Then afterwards, the realization set in that you both messed it up. It's easy for a woman to get placed in the "potential FWB" category, but once she's there it's nearly impossible to move back into the "potential life partner" category. He may have decided that moving too fast showed you weren't actually serious about weighing him out as a life partner. Or maybe he lost respect for you and himself because you didn't wait and go through the courting process. Someone he "couldn't take to meet mom", so to speak. He may feel ashamed. It happens. It happened to me. If you don't hear from him, you'll never know for sure. Take it for what it is, a life lesson. Peace. Edited March 9, 2014 by IMJUSTONE
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