Slept together...did I ruin things?!

[HeartbrokenNewbie]

You did nothing wrong. If the guy is into you he's into you whether you have sex on your second date or the 10th. My second husband was a one-night-stand. You were both consenting adults. If he judged you for being an assertive confident sexual young woman then you don't need him.

 

Maybe he got delayed. Text him again, don't make a judgement call over ONE unanswered text. They don't always make it to the recipient. Then wait, he will get back to you. If he doesn't then nothing lost, you had a great night of fun and you move to next.

 

If you are to have sex on a 1st, 2nd, 3rd date then you have to understand and accept it means nothing right? It's just some fun. It's not a commitment, it's not a sign that the man is into you, at that point it's just sex.

 

Spot on... kinda what I was trying to say but she said it better! x

[Lou1003]

NewMoon, you're right...I do regret the decision I made, but in my defence, I checked him out on social media etc. beforehand and he'd also just got out of a long-term relationship around the same time as me (with a girl who happens to be my doppelgänger, not sure if that's a good or bad thing). We also shared the same birthday and shared many other similarities, and I guess I just allowed myself to get swept away. I should also add that's he's a pilot for a national airline which all seemed very exotic to me. Stupid excuses, I know, but I just let myself go...

 

I'm also not whining and feeling sorry for myself (as much as it may seem like I am)--I barely knew the guy and obviously there was no feelings involved. I was, however, very interested in seeing where the relationship could go, and thought there could be great potential there. I'm just disappointed that this seemingly charming guy turned out to be not so charming after all.

 

While I regret putting out on the second date as it seems to have put an end to a burgeoning relationship, I'm a) glad that I saw his true colours sooner rather than later, and b) feel strangely empowered. Never have I slept with someone so soon in a relationship -- I went through University and my twenties being safe and in a stable, committed relationship and missed out on some of these life experiences -- the good and the bad ones.

 

Now I can tick off the list and I can now impart my knowledge on to others and warn them not to sleep with a guy (especially one you met online) on the second date.

 

Oh, and thanks for fighting my corner HeartbrokenNewbie, you're a doll :-)

[HeartbrokenNewbie]

NewMoon, you're right...I do regret the decision I made, but in my defence, I checked him out on social media etc. beforehand and he'd also just got out of a long-term relationship around the same time as me (with a girl who happens to be my doppelgänger, not sure if that's a good or bad thing). We also shared the same birthday and shared many other similarities, and I guess I just allowed myself to get swept away. I should also add that's he's a pilot for a national airline which all seemed very exotic to me. Stupid excuses, I know, but I just let myself go...

 

I'm also not whining and feeling sorry for myself (as much as it may seem like I am)--I barely knew the guy and obviously there was no feelings involved. I was, however, very interested in seeing where the relationship could go, and thought there could be great potential there. I'm just disappointed that this seemingly charming guy turned out to be not so charming after all.

 

While I regret putting out on the second date as it seems to have put an end to a burgeoning relationship, I'm a) glad that I saw his true colours sooner rather than later, and b) feel strangely empowered. Never have I slept with someone so soon in a relationship -- I went through University and my twenties being safe and in a stable, committed relationship and missed out on some of these life experiences -- the good and the bad ones.

 

Now I can tick off the list and I can now impart my knowledge on to others and warn them not to sleep with a guy (especially one you met online) on the second date.

 

Oh, and thanks for fighting my corner HeartbrokenNewbie, you're a doll :-)

 

 

Oh no that was the last thing I wanted to hear !! like I said this wasnt about u there is more too it x sorry hun seems the ex is back in town !! xx

[silvermercy]

NewMoon, you're right...I do regret the decision I made, but in my defence, I checked him out on social media etc. beforehand and he'd also just got out of a long-term relationship around the same time as me (with a girl who happens to be my doppelgänger, not sure if that's a good or bad thing). We also shared the same birthday and shared many other similarities, and I guess I just allowed myself to get swept away. I should also add that's he's a pilot for a national airline which all seemed very exotic to me. Stupid excuses, I know, but I just let myself go...

The bold: How do you know these are true? Because he told you or had them online? These and some other actions of him like the constant non-stop texting, the little jealous argument as well as the bridal-style carrying so early on in a date are red flags about him. At least they are to an outside observer. Be thankful he wasn't a con artist, because he could easily be.

[Phantom888]

These are selfish man-childs who need to bed a woman to satisfy their own ego. A decent gentleman would communicate MORE with you after sex because he wants to be closer to you. Yes there are guys who would tell you everything you want to hear until they get what they want. That's why it's good to let their action speak for them, and give it time before doing the sex thingy. Jerks have no patience, so they can only hold up their act for a limited period of time before they show their true self.

[ascendotum]

The bold: How do you know these are true? Because he told you or had them online? These and some other actions of him like the constant non-stop texting, the little jealous argument as well as the bridal-style carrying so early on in a date are red flags about him. At least they are to an outside observer. Be thankful he wasn't a con artist, because he could easily be.

 

Yep. The common birthday and being an international pilot could easily be a bunch of BS. Don't doubt for a minute some online players wont bs on having that sort of career. Airline pilots are going to be a smash hit with the ladies on OLD. This guy if he is good looking, has a decent profile, and plays up the gentleman act will get lots of dates & 1st/2nd date sex. Unfortunately for women lots of great catch guys like to explore their options for a while. Yeah he is might genuinely be looking for a relationship....at some stage...and with the right woman (but he might need to sleep with 60 women to find her)

 

I also think the bridal-style carrying on first date is a bit of a corny 'omg gosh he's such a gentleman' move. I also found it funny in your post you say he was being such a gentleman at your place and was just doing kisses on your forehead. The guy knew what he was doing. Got date 2 back at your place with alcohol, and despite you saying he was acting like such a gentleman had you out of your clothes and on your back in a short time.

 

I'd say you have been played, but its only been a few days since he has gone silent, so you might be pleasantly surprised with a good reason. Nothing wrong with early sex, if you got a guy who is genuinely smitten with you. Trouble is that is hard to tell with one date. If the online date guy is a 'great catch' type guy and lays on the romantic gentleman act straight of, women should be sceptical early on. Trouble is that combo is :love: for lots of women and they get charmed out of their pants pretty quick.

[lino]

Nice guys, take notes.

[HappyLove]

I think you're taking it really well OP. It is a learning experience that you should LEARN from. Sadly many women don't.

 

That being said. Hey have 1st and 2nd date sex with perfect strangers all you want but don't cry about it when you get played.

[lino]

There isn't anything wrong with first or second date sex.

I had it once and didn't 'quit it'

it all depends on the bloke... You chase players you'll get played. Simple as that.

[newmoon]

These are selfish man-childs who need to bed a woman to satisfy their own ego. A decent gentleman would communicate MORE with you after sex because he wants to be closer to you. Yes there are guys who would tell you everything you want to hear until they get what they want. That's why it's good to let their action speak for them, and give it time before doing the sex thingy. Jerks have no patience, so they can only hold up their act for a limited period of time before they show their true self.

 

 

 

 

 

really good point

[Smthn_Like_Olivia]

I think you have a great attitude about the whole thing, OP. Good for you. Getting back on the dating scene is a learning curve, but the experience can also help you grow as an individual and what you want in a relationship.

 

I met my guy online. Slept with him on the 2nd date. He's now the love of my life, and I've never been happier. I'm sorry this guy was such a jerk and wish you the best of luck in the future!

[Fwbsucks]

Oh wow...i can soooo relate to your situation. I think i slept with him too fast (3rd date) and by 3 weeks...i was no longer the girl he wanted to bring home. Its like we re friends with benefits now. But whatever, he s cute, if he s using me, ill use him too.

 

But fyi...OLD sucks because guys on there all want one thing....

[kaylan]

You both wanted sex, he never promised you anything, and you both knew you werent committed nor knew each other that well.

 

I wouldnt place all blame on the guy or call him a jerk. Youre a grown woman and should know not to have sex with a guy you see potential with unless you are on the same page.

 

Sorry OP...live and learn.

[stillafool]

There are so many of these stories lately. Women ask yourself before you have sex with these guys if you are doing it because this is something you want or are you doing it to secure a relationship. If you are having sex because you feel it and want to then go ahead and have it. If you are doing it hoping for a relationship, express to them your expectation and depending on their answer; do or don't have sex. Women keep complaining that they are being "used" when they need to communicate.

[Zippy2000]

This thread is the EXACT same is my friend. She met a guy online, and slept with on the first date. They were still seeing each other, but she only found out the guy was a player, and that he was still online dating and propositioning other women because one of her female friends was also on the same site and he messaged her also!

 

Id propbably check if he`s also still online on the dating site.

[Leigh 87]

Oh wow...i can soooo relate to your situation. I think i slept with him too fast (3rd date) and by 3 weeks...i was no longer the girl he wanted to bring home. Its like we re friends with benefits now. But whatever, he s cute, if he s using me, ill use him too.

 

But fyi...OLD sucks because guys on there all want one thing....

 

 

 

 

Not all guys online want one thing.

 

 

Some guys such as my current boyfriend were not into casual sex to begin with, and were looking for a relationship.

 

 

 

 

Where as many guys are not specifically LOOKING for a long term thing, but with the right person they would settle down.

 

 

 

 

Most men are in the second category - they are casual and non committal with MOST women, until the right woman comes along.

 

 

 

Virtually no man would walk away from a girl he was crazy about.

[Gaeta]

There is no difference between guys online and every day guys. The guys you find online are the same guys you see each day at work, public transportation, at the store, at the restaurant. I met men face to face and they were a shady, maybe even more shady, as some I met online.

[Smthn_Like_Olivia]

There is no difference between guys online and every day guys. The guys you find online are the same guys you see each day at work, public transportation, at the store, at the restaurant. I met men face to face and they were a shady, maybe even more shady, as some I met online.

 

There is a slight difference. The OLD dating experience is more like a catalog of potentials. So a majority of the men that are successful in securing dates can fit into one of two groups -

 

Guy A. - The guys that are just looking to have fun, meet a lot of various women, and get laid.

 

Guy B. - The guy that's looking for "The One".

 

The common denominator is that they are both just looking for "the next best thing". Guy A doesn't want to limit his options by becoming involved in a relationship, while Guy B doesn't want to settle and keeps thinking that if he just keeps looking, he will find that one that makes his head spin. He doesn't wanna settle for just simple compatibility, but the longer he spends looking, the more he loses his original goal, because he will never be satisfied.

 

Guy C. is the needle in the haystack. He is realistic, honest, humble and sincere about wanting a genuine relationship. He is not crazy about online dating, but he is willing to give it a shot. He is not looking for a trophy wife or arm candy, just someone he is attracted to and connects with.

 

A few of us have found Guy C., but he is definitely more difficult to spot in the sea of misrepresenters on OLD.

[Leigh 87]

There is a slight difference. The OLD dating experience is more like a catalog of potentials. So a majority of the men that are successful in securing dates can fit into one of two groups -

 

Guy A. - The guys that are just looking to have fun, meet a lot of various women, and get laid.

 

Guy B. - The guy that's looking for "The One".

 

The common denominator is that they are both just looking for "the next best thing". Guy A doesn't want to limit his options by becoming involved in a relationship, while Guy B doesn't want to settle and keeps thinking that if he just keeps looking, he will find that one that makes his head spin. He doesn't wanna settle for just simple compatibility, but the longer he spends looking, the more he loses his original goal, because he will never be satisfied.

 

Guy C. is the needle in the haystack. He is realistic, honest, humble and sincere about wanting a genuine relationship. He is not crazy about online dating, but he is willing to give it a shot. He is not looking for a trophy wife or arm candy, just someone he is attracted to and connects with.

 

A few of us have found Guy C., but he is definitely more difficult to spot in the sea of misrepresenters on OLD.

 

 

 

 

Why is it uncommon for a guy to find a guy who is "the one" or makes his "head spin"?

 

 

Are you saying that guy C realises that he will never be that smitten with a girl initially, but will merely find a girl he is attracted to and who is compatible yet who he is not all that passionate about?

 

 

I don't think it is that rare to find a partner who you are really into from the get go, who you have something special with that goes beyond merely being attracted to someone and liking their personalities.

[Smthn_Like_Olivia]

Why is it uncommon for a guy to find a guy who is "the one" or makes his "head spin"?

 

 

Are you saying that guy C realises that he will never be that smitten with a girl initially, but will merely find a girl he is attracted to and who is compatible yet who he is not all that passionate about?

 

 

I don't think it is that rare to find a partner who you are really into from the get go, who you have something special with that goes beyond merely being attracted to someone and liking their personalities.

 

I didn't say it was uncommon. I said because there are so many potentials in OLD, that the guy that is looking for "the one" often loses sight of his original purpose. He is hesitant to become too absorbed in one, because he will keep questioning whether or not he is settling.

 

Guy C. will recognize more quickly/easily because he is not on a never ending quest for the "perfect" girl, just the perfect girl for him.

[Noproblem]

You both wanted sex, he never promised you anything, and you both knew you werent committed nor knew each other that well.

 

I wouldnt place all blame on the guy or call him a jerk. Youre a grown woman and should know not to have sex with a guy you see potential with unless you are on the same page.

 

Sorry OP...live and learn.

 

Yeah, but he could just continue talking from time to time

 

No need for him to run away like he committed a crime?

 

It's not like she is planning to take him to Vegas to get married there!

[Iguanna]

"He then went away skiing for nine days"

 

Ok I may be too suspicious, but who goes skiing for 9 days? Only someone who does it professionally, I'd think. This doesn't sit well with me. If a guy I'd just met and had a first date with would tell me he's go skiing for 9 days, I'd definitely find it weird and ask some more info. Did he bring back photos or details about this trip?

 

Other than this, I try to ask MANY questions on first dates, and if someone gets annoyed with it, then he's not my type. I am honest and open and I want to know as many things about a guy as possible. I ask weird questions that seem to have no purpose, but they do. I observe their behavior, their responses, their feelings. This makes me understand what is really going on, reading between the lines. I'd never have sex so early on just based on some good behavior and a lot of texting, I'd wait first to secure that his interest is 100% a relationship. I know people lie and pretend, but at least I'd be ditched on date 20, not date 2.

[Gaeta]

The common denominator is that they are both just looking for "the next best thing". Guy A doesn't want to limit his options by becoming involved in a relationship, while Guy B doesn't want to settle and keeps thinking that if he just keeps looking, he will find that one that makes his head spin. He doesn't wanna settle for just simple compatibility, but the longer he spends looking, the more he loses his original goal, because he will never be satisfied.

and that is a normal human nature reaction when put in front of a catalog. Who buys the first car they road test? Once you've been to 6-7 dealerships though you're starting to have an idea of what car you'd like to invest your money in.

 

Women have to be smarter about online dating. I look at my friend and I keep shaking my head. She goes on first dates with men freshly out of relationships, men that are mid 40s and never been in long term relationships, men that are just arriving online and she's their first meet, these men have things to prove to themselves before getting down to business....and the tricky part is they don't even know themselves.

 

The big problem online is not men lying to you, it's men lying to themselves.

[Lou1003]

OK, all good points...I will, however, address a couple of the comments about the fact that he could have been lying about who he was, because as embarrassed as I am to admit it, I did some serious online ninja-stalking of him during the course of our fling...

 

a) He was definitely a pilot. On his Facebook page he has several pictures of himself in the cockpit, wearing his uniform, travelling with colleagues (other pilots and flight attendants), and our first date happened to be the night before my Dad was due to fly into the country from abroad, on the airline my date flies for, so my date accessed a staff app to find out how booked up the flight was, and the names of the pilots and the flight crew. There was never any question as to whether he was lying about his occupation or not.

 

b) The birthday. When we discovered we shared the same birthday, he didn't believe me. We both took out our respective ID cards and found out that in fact yes, we did share the same birthday -- and were actually born ten minutes apart.

 

c) The ski trip. He had nine days in a row with no flights on his schedule, and as one of the perks of his job he gets heavily discounted flight pretty much anywhere in the world. Thus, he went away skiing to Europe for nine days and sent me several pictures while he was there and showed me more on our second date. His brother also uploaded pictures of the two of them on a mountain and tagged in at the resort they were at...so again, no lies there.

 

Now I'm thinking the most logical explanations for his lack of contact are:

 

1. He's just not that into me!

2. He's fallen into the OLD dating trap and is looking for the bigger, better deal

3. I don't remember when it was, I could have sworn it was today (Friday) or tomorrow (Saturday), but I do know that he was working and was piloting a flight to Switzerland at some point this week. Maybe in the slightly tipsy/post-coital glow I got the dates mixed up and he's actually been in Europe for work the last couple of days and simply didn't receive my text, but I doubt it. He's been active a lot on Whatsapp so either way, he could have contacted me and hasn't.

 

4. We both got out of long-term relationships in the last three months or so, perhaps she's made contact/come back in his life again in some way? I know that if my ex were to start speaking to me I'd be a little thrown for a loop...

 

Just my two cents!

 

And just for the record...it's been over three days now and still no word!

[Ruby Slippers]

Don't pilots have a reputation for having a woman in every town? I've been asked out by pilots a couple of times, but never accepted because both of them gave off that player vibe, just flared up my stay away instincts. Both were very charming and aggressive.

 

I wouldn't be surprised if he contacts you for more easy sex when he's back in town. But he's obviously not into you, or he wouldn't have gone from all-day texting to NO texting the day (and days) after you had sex.