Author a708 Posted March 10, 2014 Author Posted March 10, 2014 Ohh 100%. Dont get me wrong, im not going to. Ive made my feelings clear.. its done. What i was meaning is.. i did second guess myself for 2 mins. I think it was just a natural thing though. like i mentioned i still have feelings for this girl and its so easy to get dragged around. Got the reassurance i needed though and Bam.. its done.
Chi townD Posted March 10, 2014 Posted March 10, 2014 I asked why she text me about hooking up. She basically said she just needed to know. I said it was weird. I said I assume you have.. To which she got upset and started crying. Telling me she had. Although had not slept with anyone. Damn, hate being right sometimes. But, you got SOME of the truth. Not all of it. "Although had not slept with anyone." Dude, she slept with the guy, don't let that one fool you. She knows she broke your heart and now she's given herself to someone else intimately. Well, you have no way to verify if she did or didn't; therefore. they will only tell you the bare minimum to make it seem not as bad as what truly happened. She went all out. But, what did she say in the message to try and turn it around on you? 1
Author a708 Posted March 10, 2014 Author Posted March 10, 2014 Yeah exactly. I understand that and frankly.. i dont want to know. she said - " im totally angry at you for saying that stuff to me earlier (re: I told her how i feel, and that actually i should have a bit of resentment to her. Its my turn to be selfish). you are judging me for enjoying my time and loving new friends. if youre gonna be like that then its better that we dont speak really. wish it didnt have to be like this but its turned out this way. Ive tried to be nice but if youre going to be mean, i cant be bothered" thoughts?
Author a708 Posted March 10, 2014 Author Posted March 10, 2014 I will say as well that what she put back to me really didnt make any sense. The way the conversation went was fairly smooth to begin with. I told her i still have feelings..and simply cannot go to be just friends. I said whilst i dont have any bad feelings and stuff its just hard. She agreed. I said i understand why she split up. its not simply just distance as she said. I said if i was in your position i would want to explore uni life. She agreed. I said but you have to let me get over it. I said you have moved on. I said why did you keep asking about me hooking up? She said didnt really have a response.. it was because she just wanted to know. Probably alleviate some guilt. I said but you probably have already.. to which she went dead silent. So i said "okay cool". I said that i feel stupid.. i said i feel like i was 100% committed and she was 75% with 25% knowing it wasnt going to last. She was silent and upset (not crying though). I said look i dont want to speak to you for a while.. its just better for me. and i said frankly its time i stop being a doormat and get on with my life. she agreed. that was all that was said.. albeit in more detail and to a greater length. I got that message and decided that i shouldnt text back. Ive said how i feel, theres nothing more to be said. I thought what shes saying there is to just stroke her ego and make her feel less sh*t.
Chi townD Posted March 10, 2014 Posted March 10, 2014 LOL! Loving new friends! Yeah, that's rich! Maybe too much.... Dude, that's her guilt. Straight up! You wrote that you acted like a complete gentlemen yet got your dissatisfaction of her actions across. Did you call her a slut, or a whore, or a bitch? NOPE! Did you judge her? YEP! You're allowed to at a point. Because, of what you shared together just a few weeks ago. She broke up, what? A month an a half ago and in that time she's "loving new friends"? Yeah, you have some right to question and even judge that she wasn't that into you that she didn't even mourn the loss of you or the relationship before SHE started hooking up in less than sixty days. Just ignore it dude. Unfortunately, you're probably going to hear from here again. You didn't call her a slut, but the fact that she thinks that you think that she's a slut, well......you're going to hear from her again. So, stand fast and stick to NC. Heal and move on from this. 1
BC1980 Posted March 10, 2014 Posted March 10, 2014 You did the right thing. I've seen this sans story so many times on LS, and it just prolongs everything for the dumpee.
Author a708 Posted March 10, 2014 Author Posted March 10, 2014 Yeah i think its all for the best. ChitownD - Your thoughts are exactly mine and everyone i've spoken to man. Its this point im at now thinking "jeez its starting to look like a good thing we split" I understand she was going to come back.. ive questioned her commitment to the R and also her integrity. But i think its just dented her rep with me more to be honest. Like i wrote earlier.. It feels good. it feels like a weight has been lifted. It feels like ive drawn a line in the sand and said everything that i wanted to say. Let it fizzle out. Appreciate all of the comments guys. 1
KevinC Posted March 10, 2014 Posted March 10, 2014 Yup you did the right thing a708 now maintain your resolve because it will be tested again. These guys(and gals) have talked me off the same ledge you were about to jump off of and im happy they did. The temptation still comes back from time to time but when it does i come here and reread* my thread and the advice they have given me. It brings me back to reality because the thought of meeting my ex and working things out at this point is just that...fantasy! Stay strong because you will be tempted again. 2
lolablue17 Posted March 10, 2014 Posted March 10, 2014 You've been too nice to her, and told her too much information about yourself. I hope you didnt tell her if you did hook up or not. "She just needed to know". She needed to know because knowing you didnt hook up means you dont have a life, you're miserable and you still miss her and she is in your mind. Thats what she wanted to hear. That you dont have anyone. stroking her ego. that's how she feels wanted and strong.
David87 Posted March 11, 2014 Posted March 11, 2014 Look friend, what's done is done, there's nothing you can do to change the past, but at least you'll know what to do in the future. Stick to NC with this one from now on.
Author a708 Posted March 11, 2014 Author Posted March 11, 2014 Lolablue17 - You are right. No i didn't tell her. I didn't give any information away about me. I told her how i felt in terms of feelings towards her. That hasn't changed in just over a month. Im interested in you saying ive been too nice. In my view I completely laid it all out. I havent been a d*ck or given her any ammunition to hate me. So i think ive actually done the best thing there. The reason i think it probably went as well as it could is because i got that message back. Which in my opinion is a complete effort to regain some power.. like she wants to have the last word. She wants that ego stroke. By not responding and leaving it.. She hasnt achieved that. Im interested to hear what you think to that though Im at full NC now David87
Ajax Posted March 11, 2014 Posted March 11, 2014 The reason i think it probably went as well as it could is because i got that message back. Which in my opinion is a complete effort to regain some power.. like she wants to have the last word. She wants that ego stroke. After reading this thread, I think this sounds about right. And I have to congratulate you, so many people on these boards would love to be contacted by an ex asking to meet up and to stay in their lives in any way. You were given that option, assessed it, and opted out of it while maintaining your self respect and dignity. Your ex seems to want to be able to dictate the terms of your relationship (or non-relationship) even after leaving you. She seems clueless at best and indifferent at worst to your needs, and you had the backbone to stand up for yourself without being brought down to her level. I think this is a great example for all dumpees out there. 1
Author a708 Posted March 11, 2014 Author Posted March 11, 2014 Thanks Ajax. Really appreciate it. Its always great hearing that people think i have done the right thing. Like you said she is trying to manipulate to her benefit. Even though she might not know shes doing it.. she is. As mentioned previously.. it was a switch that went off in my head really. As people can see i was in denial. I didn't want to believe the advice. Until last weekend, where i thought: "I'm sick of being a doormat". I'm sure every dumpee gets to that point.. which is where they probably stop writing about it on here to be honest. 1
lolablue17 Posted March 12, 2014 Posted March 12, 2014 Lolablue17 - You are right. No i didn't tell her. I didn't give any information away about me. I told her how i felt in terms of feelings towards her. That hasn't changed in just over a month. Im interested in you saying ive been too nice. In my view I completely laid it all out. I havent been a d*ck or given her any ammunition to hate me. So i think ive actually done the best thing there. The reason i think it probably went as well as it could is because i got that message back. Which in my opinion is a complete effort to regain some power.. like she wants to have the last word. She wants that ego stroke. By not responding and leaving it.. She hasnt achieved that. If you say you didnt give any information, it's great. What I meant is that If I were you, I wouldn't give her even the information if I still have feelings for her or not. its non of her business. I would say just: "What exactly do you want from me? Why are you contacting me all the time? You broke up with me, so take responsibility for that decision. we are not friends, please never contact me unless you have a clear solid something to say". And that's it. a 3 minute conversation total. But you are not me, so I think you handled it fine.
Author a708 Posted March 12, 2014 Author Posted March 12, 2014 Sure, I understand what you're saying. Would have been a good route to go down to be honest. It will definitely be used if she contacts again to be honest. Thanks for responding appreciate it!
lolablue17 Posted March 12, 2014 Posted March 12, 2014 Sure, I understand what you're saying. Would have been a good route to go down to be honest. It will definitely be used if she contacts again to be honest. Thanks for responding appreciate it! Yes. i think you handled it better than i would. Sometimes i just cant control my macho ego
Babolat Posted March 12, 2014 Posted March 12, 2014 Im reading the "if you want them back thread". So i do understand the whole concept behind NC.. and clearly it works. I do have a question though: So ive been with this girl for a year and a few months.. texting/skype/seeing/talking everyday practically for that amount of time. So if i go to Full NC and ignore the breadcrumbs.. isn't that rude? (btw i know asking this question seems totally stupid.. when i read this back to myself i think why am i worried about being rude.) BUT like i dont hate this girl.. im not angry at her for breaking up really. It just sucks and i wish it was different man. like im trying to think from her side.. wouldnt it just be like "oh well hes being a d*ck"? Ta I have not read past this post so forgive me ahead of time if I'm repeating what's already been said. No, it's not rude. And, it doe snot matter what she thinks of your NC decision. It would be rude if you did tell her you are doing NC, to take care of you...emphasis on taking care of you. Start with 90 days. I did this in my last LTR and it was enough time for me to heal, and feel grounded again. And I asked for the NC, she agreed to it. She broke it 2-3 times, but by then I was healing. You need time to heal my friend; don't let her interfere with that. 1
hestheone66 Posted March 12, 2014 Posted March 12, 2014 I note that OP asked for girls to answer why friendship is wanted after breakup. Well I have broken up with my ex husband who's heart I broke. While we were good friends I kept away for his sake so he could heal but after years the warmth between us returned and after he healed there was no bitterness. We never developed a friendship as such but it wasn't awkward if we bumped into each other. I was replaced by the a mani really thought was love of my life. I had never felt so obsessed and emotionally connected, from the first time we met. It wasn't to be (I'm glad and now with a man who treasures me profoundly) but we are each other's soul mates and are in touch a few times a week. The reason women seem to reach out even after being the dumps is because they don't compartmentalise their feelings as much. They can rationalise that the romantic relationship didn't/couldn't/wouldn't work but friendship can be more enduring. Women enjoy and generally invest emotionally in all their friendships and like being socially (with friends of both sexes) connected more than men. Men however to a certain extent are loners and see friendships in a more utilitarian manner. There is therefore a complete misunderstanding and perhaps lack of sensitivity between both sexes, each apportioning the wrong motives. 1
somecamel Posted March 12, 2014 Posted March 12, 2014 I think you're a little bit ahead of me in your journey, I suspect she'll start trying to talk to me again soon, had an email yesterday which I have ignored so far. It's real nice to hear that you are doing better, however I'm not sure if you even having that telephone conversation actually done you any good? As has been said before, perhaps she has gone and slept with someone else and was looking for validation from you so she doesn't feel so guilty. I'm a firm believer now in the saying that 'some things should remain unsaid.' I'm 5 days NC so far, the stupid reasons I kept for keeping contact I hope can be kept at bay for a bit longer so I can have some time to work through this. Please stay strong yourself and give us all some inspiration.
Author a708 Posted March 13, 2014 Author Posted March 13, 2014 I understand what you're saying. In my OP, i was frustrated badly. I was thinking how can she just flick a switch and move to being friends. To me that's near impossible. Somecamel - I know what you're saying. I guess only time will tell with what i said. I want to vent really - woke up in a shi**y mood with a cold so i think i will! Im so fed up of this break up. I feel like its a competition to see who can come out better on the otherside. Its so stupid, that i fell in deep with this girl and it looks like she didnt. Its so annoying. I have gone over it a million times, as im sure most people do, and it just gets more annoying. She seems like she doesnt care and never cared. I feel like she is in the biggest denial of what happened. Like nothing ever happened. Like she thinks shes still the best kind of person. So stubborn. Cannot face the consequences of her actions so has to fight back at me to make herself seem like the victim. Its one big game.
David87 Posted March 13, 2014 Posted March 13, 2014 a708 Your next step is to establish yourself on LS.
Ajax Posted March 13, 2014 Posted March 13, 2014 I feel like she is in the biggest denial of what happened. Like nothing ever happened. Like she thinks shes still the best kind of person. So stubborn. Cannot face the consequences of her actions so has to fight back at me to make herself seem like the victim. Its one big game. Unfortunately it seems some people do think this way. I know I've shared similar feelings as you when certain relationships have ended. But I think that, despite your frustrations, you have a good sense of awareness about the situation that many others in your place lack. And I suspect that you probably have a greater sense of self awareness than your ex does. And those two things will help you move on so much more quickly. My two cents... If you think she sees it as a game, just don't play. She might think she's "winning" the breakup, but who cares what she thinks? She opted out of the relationship, so she no say in whether you choose to remain friends with her or not. Do what you need to do to improve your own life and you'll be the ultimate winner, regardless of her silly opinion. 1
Author a708 Posted March 13, 2014 Author Posted March 13, 2014 Yup. This is just a moment i had this morning to be truthful. I hated the fact that she might see me as a d*ck now... but you know what, i don't even care anymore. I just don't care. Why? Cos i did nothing wrong. Simple as that. She can come back with whatever messages she wants guys.. i really do not intend to play her game and give her a reaction. Because that is all it is.. A reaction shows there is still feelings there. The reaction shows that she still has me hooked. Any reaction i did give would stroke her ego and make her feel better. She does not deserve that. I came back on here earlier and read through most of the posts on my thread again to get me back into the right mindset. 2
somecamel Posted March 13, 2014 Posted March 13, 2014 I came back on here earlier and read through most of the posts on my thread again to get me back into the right mindset. I do that quite often when I'm having weak moments, it gets the anger back:) 2
Chi townD Posted March 13, 2014 Posted March 13, 2014 Im so fed up of this break up. I feel like its a competition to see who can come out better on the otherside. Nah man, you're looking at it the wrong way. We do NC to help us heal and move on. But if you do NC in conjunction with making positive changes in your life helps us to heal faster. We make positive changes to make us feel empowered again. To let us gain back our self esteem and self worth. There have been examples of where our Ex's try to come back. But, the dumpee was so far ahead in their own healing that they say to themselves, " Man my life is pretty good right now. I never felt this good when I was with her/him so why would I want to possibly lose what I've gained?" And they say thanks but no thanks. 2
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