Has ''the past is the past'' become an overused cliche?

March 6, 2014

I'm starting to feel that 50% of both genders are into that now that it's a waste of time for those like me who belong into the relationship only type category.

I was disappointed when I once stumbled into another site elsewhere about someone finding out about their partner's sexual past and other things later on in the long-term relationship and many were saying ''the past is the past'' and all that matters is he/she is with you and to stop complaining. Yet, that person ''complaining'' was an only relationship minded individual.

I believe that at some point, when the hook-up culture started openly spreading out, this phrase might have had meaning but now it's annoying esp to us serious types who would not be happy at all to have to accept an individual like that at all. That would be too much compromising for me.

Edited March 6, 2014 by dragon_fly_7

March 6, 2014

This is annoying.

The problem here is that people assume that a person who has casual sex/one night stands while single cannot be in a committed relationship.

And that is a load of crap.

Put that through your mind.

I really don't see why would anyone have a problem with the number of sexual partners their SO had in the past.

I would be a lot more worried about my SO having a history of cheating than my SO having a history of ONS.

March 6, 2014

It may be becoming a cliche but that doesn't invalidate its accuracy.

The past does shape who a person is now. To use an actual cliche: experience is the best teacher. It teaches you how to make good decisions. You get experience by making bad decisions.

To me, the person's past is a factor but it has to weigh against other factors. What was the behavior that is bothering the new person? How long ago was it? Was it a 1-2 time occurrence or a regular thing / lifestyle choice? It's really unfair to condemn someone in their 30s because they had a ONS in college. However, I would be a bit cautious about entering into a LTR with a 30 year old whose longest relationship to date was 6 months.

I also take the greatest umbrage with posters on here that complain because their new SO had any relationship with someone else & they are here freaking out that their new SO still loves that person (without just cause for the concern); there was a guy complaining about something his wife of 20+ years did while they were dating that he knew about then & presumably forgave her; and my personal favorite -- people who demand to know the other person's # then get made because they don't like what they hear or freak when they found out the other person lied. You should never ask that Q in the 1st place.

As somebody who categorizes themselves as a relationship only person how do you feel about the distinctions I'm trying to draw, dragon_fly_7?

March 6, 2014

This is annoying.

The problem here is that people assume that a person who has casual sex/one night stands while single cannot be in a committed relationship.
And that is a load of crap.
Put that through your mind.

I really don't see why would anyone have a problem with the number of sexual partners their SO had in the past.

I would be a lot more worried about my SO having a history of cheating than my SO having a history of ONS.

That can also be annoying too; that we now feel forced to accept that different new lifestyle (accept someone that doesn't share our sex values), esp if we want nothing to do with it and free strongly towards sex. Unfortunately this ''the past is the past'' phrase wouldn't work out on an important job interview if you had a past arrest for stealing.

While there are more tolerant individuals that are willing to accept someone's high number of sexual partners and compromise, it's not fair for others that don't think that way to have this hidden from them and find out later on when feelings have been invested into the relationship.

March 6, 2014

That can also be annoying too; that we now feel forced to accept that different new lifestyle (accept someone that doesn't share our sex values), esp if we want nothing to do with it and free strongly towards sex. Unfortunately this ''the past is the past'' phrase wouldn't work out on an important job interview if you had a past arrest for stealing.

While there are more tolerant individuals that are willing to accept someone's high number of sexual partners and compromise, it's not fair for others that don't think that way to have this hidden from them and find out later on when feelings have been invested into the relationship.

Having sex is not a lifestyle. If you're not fine with your partner having 'a lot' of sexual partners is fine by me...however, I will ask you where this 'not being fine with it' comes from.

What is this 'sexual value' you speak of? Not having sex outside of a relationship? A certain number is 'too high'? Why does it bother you so much? Why is it that the big majority of people who have problems with their sexual partner's sexual past are men re. their girlfriends?

What I've done with my vagina in the last 15 years I've been sexually active is of no concern to my new partner - we didn't even know each other.

All that concerns him is that I've gotten tested for STDs and have a clean record as far as that goes. The rest is none of his business.

Also, stealing is illegal - therefore a crime.

Having consentual sex is not.

So again I am asking - where does this so called 'value' come from?

March 6, 2014

As somebody who categorizes themselves as a relationship only person how do you feel about the distinctions I'm trying to draw, dragon_fly_7?

I just don't see the point in sleeping with a stranger nor jumping into bed with someone I had just met for 1 week.

March 6, 2014

I just don't see the point in sleeping with a stranger nor jumping into bed with someone I had just met for 1 week.

The point is to have sex. Sex is fun.

So by all means - don't have casual sex if you don't like it. I don't see how it gives you the right to judge those who do.

March 6, 2014

What is this 'sexual value' you speak of? Not having sex outside of a relationship? A certain number is 'too high'? Why does it bother you so much? Why is it that the big majority of people who have problems with their sexual partner's sexual past are men re. their girlfriends?

I'm a woman and would have problems with an oversexed man. The sexual value I speak of that describes me is not having sex outside of a relationship. Off course it would annoy me too, if he had to constantly change partners every 2 months as it speaks of an unstable individual that can handle serious commitment in the long term. It would bother me because I'm not that way and will not compromise with a total contrast to me in sex values.

March 6, 2014

I dislike this phrase and find it ridiculous and nonsensical.

The past isn't the past.

You don't need to condemn someone for their past but the past is always important and helps to paint a much larger picture. What you choose to do with the whole picture is on you, but to be ignorant of it altogether willingly is another thing.

March 6, 2014

I'm a woman and would have problems with an oversexed man. The sexual value I speak of that describes me is not having sex outside of a relationship. Off course it would annoy me too, if he had to constantly change partners every 2 months as it speaks of an unstable individual that can handle serious commitment in the long term. It would bother me because I'm not that way and will not compromise with a total contrast to me in sex values.

See what bothers me here is that this 'value' comes from the fact our society has been telling us for hundreds of years 'you shouldn't have sex with someone unless you are married'.

I would be highly surprised if we were naturally inclined to having only sex within a relationship.

So now, I'm going to give you an example. If you met a man who, while single, has sex (either with a FWB/booty call or one night stands)

However, he has had two serious relationships in the past that last more than 5 years. I don't see how this person is unstable and can't handle commitment...yet you would turn him away because of the casual sex?

March 6, 2014

The point is to have sex. Sex is fun.

So by all means - don't have casual sex if you don't like it. I don't see how it gives you the right to judge those who do.

This is practically the same way we feel when we're spoon fed into ''who cares, it's my past, come on just accept me like this'' whenever I keep hearing about them trying to hide their tracks and even lie about it to get the person with a modest or very low sexual past to accept them. That's like trying to force your belief into someone else's.

I would feel as if I were judged for preferring a man that's only into long-term relationships.

March 6, 2014

This is practically the same way we feel when we're spoon fed into ''who cares, it's my past, come on just accept me like this'' whenever I keep hearing about them trying to hide their tracks and even lie about it to get the person with a modest or very low sexual past to accept them. That's like trying to force your belief into someone else's.

I would feel as if I were judged for preferring a man that's only into long-term relationships.

I understand. My problem here is not that people have this 'value' (though I admit I don't understand it)

What bothers me is the judgments that come along with it. Things like 'this shows the person is unstable' and 'more likely to cheat' ect.

March 6, 2014

See what bothers me here is that this 'value' comes from the fact our society has been telling us for hundreds of years 'you shouldn't have sex with someone unless you are married'.

When did I mentioned marriage. I only said no sex if not in a relationship (long-term). I'm not a religious woman that waits till marriage but neither I'm I into casual sex. I only want sex in a relationship and if it later on leads to marriage ok. I didn't marry my ex bf and would not ever.

So now, I'm going to give you an example. If you met a man who, while single, has sex (either with a FWB/booty call or one night stands)

However, he has had two serious relationships in the past that last more than 5 years. I don't see how this person is unstable and can't handle commitment...yet you would turn him away because of the casual sex?

Yes, I would.

March 6, 2014

When did I mentioned married. I only said no sex if not in a relationship (long-term). I'm not a religious woman that waits till marriage but neither I'm I into casual sex. I only want sex in a relationship and if it later on leads to marriage ok. I didn't marry my ex bf and would not.
Yes, I would.

This isn't what I meant. I meant this is what society has been telling us for hundreds of years.

Now, it's ok if we have sex outside of marriage, but only as long as we are in a relationship.

Oh and, well your loss, I guess. You could pass on an amazing guy.

March 6, 2014

I just don't see the point in sleeping with a stranger nor jumping into bed with someone I had just met for 1 week.

Understood. My point was that just because somebody did it once or twice when they were younger then realized that physical sex only was no substitute for making love doesn't make them a bad person or even a bad candidate to be a good partner for somebody who never made that mistake. In fact because they had sown some wild oats & gotten out of their system they may be a better match for you because once they found a good relationship they'd work harder to keep it.

March 6, 2014

Having sex is not a lifestyle. If you're not fine with your partner having 'a lot' of sexual partners is fine by me...however, I will ask you where this 'not being fine with it' comes from.

What is this 'sexual value' you speak of? Not having sex outside of a relationship? A certain number is 'too high'? Why does it bother you so much? Why is it that the big majority of people who have problems with their sexual partner's sexual past are men re. their girlfriends?

What I've done with my vagina in the last 15 years I've been sexually active is of no concern to my new partner - we didn't even know each other.

All that concerns him is that I've gotten tested for STDs and have a clean record as far as that goes. The rest is none of his business.

Also, stealing is illegal - therefore a crime.
Having consentual sex is not.

So again I am asking - where does this so called 'value' come from?

It's basically just about mismatched values/ compatibility. It's not just about the propensity to cheat.

I am not a religious person, but sex (for me), is something special. It's an important way that a couple expresses their love for each other. It's a way to bond and connect with the person that you love. These are my values & beliefs regarding sex.

Other people do not believe that sex should be reserved for those you love. It is for mutual pleasure & fun. It's not about a connection or a bond. It's viewed as a fun activity, entertainment, an exciting way to pass the time.

Both views are valid.

In the dating world, most people are not just looking for someone that they get along with. They are on a quest to find their future partner in life. They want someone that will be compatible with them. Some people want to find someone with the same religion. Some people consider political beliefs. Some people want kids, some don't. Some people love living in the city, others hate it. Everyone has different criteria. What matters to one person, may not matter at all to the next one.

Think about when we buy a new car. We read the reviews. We look at past problems with that model. We see if there were any recalls. We do all this research because it is an investment. We want to make a good choice.

Of course, people aren't cars. But dating is a search for a compatible person. We want to make a good choice. We want to find someone that "fits" with us. We are making an emotional investment in a person, and we SHOULD be discerning. If people do all this research for a five year investment, it is not surprising that people would be even more choosy when considering a potentional LIFELONG emotional investment. This might even be the person you have kids with.

Maybe the divorce rate wouldn't be so high if more emphasis was given to compatibility/shared values.

The fact is, our past experiences and circumstances do affect us. It may be negative, it may be positive. Some people mature and evolve as a result of their experiences. Others don't. So while choosing someone with similar values is no guarantee- it mitigates the risk.

When you think of it in terms of risk/benefit analysis, it makes a lot of sense. Why risk future problems due to misaligned values? What if one person feels judged? What if one person feels that they compromised on what they were really looking for? What you have kids and mom is telling daughter, "It's OK to have sex for fun, just be safe!" And Dad says "NOOOO! Save it for someone special!"

Do these possible risks outweigh the benefit of being in a relationship with that person? If there is no established relationship, isn't it easier to just choose someone that's more compatible?

Of course there's a possibility that the guy might miss out on the best girl of his life, which is a risk that should also be considered.

March 6, 2014

This isn't what I meant. I meant this is what society has been telling us for hundreds of years.
Now, it's ok if we have sex outside of marriage, but only as long as we are in a relationship.

Oh and, well your loss, I guess. You could pass on an amazing guy.

Then he should seek for a woman that is more willing to accept his past. To me this isn't just about ''But he loves you and we guys get along, it doens't matter his past'' like before when people compromise in order to not be alone but rather someone I not only love and care about, but shares my same views on sex and commitment. I would have a very hard time staying with someone that used sex for fun. That to me would be like adapting to a new lifestyle and change everything about me and what I had previously believed in.

This makes me wonder why is it that when it comes to differences in sexual past, we should all be accepting any past (even if they slept around for years) and others try to get us to compromise, treating it as if it weren't a big deal but when dealing with other topics such as religon, education level, not wanting a heavy smoker then it's ok to not compromise in that?

March 6, 2014

This makes me wonder why is it that when it comes to differences in sexual past, we should all be accepting any past (even if they slept around for years) and others try to get us to compromise, treating it as if it weren't a big deal but when dealing with other topics such as religon, education level, not wanting a heavy smoker then it's ok to not compromise in that?

It's because people do not like being judged or critcized when they feel they did nothing wrong. Also, if they do feel their actions were a mistake and they have now changed, they don't want to be held accountable for things they wish they never did.

Right or wrong, people judge. It's just the way many people are. If you are someone that has sex with multiple partners outside of a relationship, although you may not agree with being judged, you should at least anticipate judgement.

For example, my husband is black. When we met 22 years ago, interracial relationships were just starting to be socially accepted. I knew I would be judged for my decision. Marrying a black guy, and expecting to be 100% accepted and never judged for it, would be stupid. The fact is, I knew I would be judged and I had to deal with that. I had to get to a point where I did not care what they thought. I know our relationship is a valid one, no matter what anyone else says.

All of our actions have consequences. One of those might be unfair judgement from others. Is it right for them to judge? That's debatable. But declaring it "unfair" doesn't stop people from doing it. And it doesn't prevent "the judged one" from having to deal with the judgement.

So if you want to have multiple partners and enjoy casual sex, that's OK. But don't be naive enough to believe you will never be judged for it. Don't think that those with different values about sex aren't going to care about it. That's just unrealistic.

Right or wrong, I think judgement is unavoidable. It's best to just surround yourself with those that accept you.

March 6, 2014

We, as a society, have a very bad view of sex to begin with (thank you religion for making it an original sin!)

anyways, Quiet Storm, it's nice that you can go through life not letting others think of your couple affect you.

However, some of us would like to see some changes in the world and sometimes, we take a stand. This is also never going to change (thankfully!)

Now I'm not saying that everyone should have sex all the time. But I find I'm seeing too much of 'eewww too many partners, what a slut - but this is my value you can't take that away from me' speeches.

I'm also seeing a lot of those people bitch and moan when the person they like does not want to have sex right away - and this is the most disturbing part...

I believe this 'value' is strongly rooted in slut shaming and this is what I am standing against (standing against being a strong word I just can't think of a better expression...)

March 6, 2014

I'm an atheist by the way so I don't feel this way due to religion but rather because I see sex as something special to be given out within a relationship. I see it as a way to share myself with a man that views it the same way and would feel so special to learn that he had enough self-control and restrain to have waited for a gf and not give it away easily on a ONS.

Edited March 6, 2014 by dragon_fly_7

March 6, 2014

We, as a society, have a very bad view of sex to begin with (thank you religion for making it an original sin!)

anyways, Quiet Storm, it's nice that you can go through life not letting others think of your couple affect you.

However, some of us would like to see some changes in the world and sometimes, we take a stand. This is also never going to change (thankfully!)

Now I'm not saying that everyone should have sex all the time. But I find I'm seeing too much of 'eewww too many partners, what a slut - but this is my value you can't take that away from me' speeches.

I'm also seeing a lot of those people bitch and moan when the person they like does not want to have sex right away - and this is the most disturbing part...

I believe this 'value' is strongly rooted in slut shaming and this is what I am standing against (standing against being a strong word I just can't think of a better expression...)

I hear you. I'm just jaded because it has been my experience that these kinds of judgements run very deep. Even if someone logically agrees that its unfair to judge, that doesn't change their comfort level. Unfortunately logic rarely overrides those ingrained values about what is right or wrong. Using the interracial couple scenario...lets say we can get a racist guy to admit its wrong to judge based on race. He acknowledges its unfair and makes a conscious effort to change his views. If his daughter brings home a black guy, he's still going to feel uncomfortable and maybe even sick about it. This is because those judgements run so deep that logic won't overcome them. So even if you get men to admit they are "slut shaming" and they intellectually know that its hypocritical and unfair, that underlying subconscious emotional response is unlikely to change. While we all have the ability to control our actions, changing our thoughts and feelings takes a level of self awareness that most people do not have.

Edited March 6, 2014 by Quiet Storm

March 6, 2014

I'm an atheist by the way so I don't feel this way due to religion but rather because I see sex as something special to be given out within a relationship. I see it as a way to share myself with a man that views it the same way and would feel so special to learn that he had enough self-control and restrain to have waited for a gf and not give it away easily on a ONS.

I feel the exact same way but with my heart and soul.

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Has ''the past is the past'' become an overused cliche?

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