verity123 Posted March 6, 2014 Posted March 6, 2014 I am a very long term affair - d day six months ago. We are in low contact. The other day we met up and he said ''our lives are f@@@@d, everything is f@@@@d.'' I have cried every day not seeing him every day like i did. But he still wants to meet up and so do I as I cannot bear not seeing him and my skin just creeps and crawls like a drug withdrawal. But this week he said that and I thought, is it just dawning on him that he cannot continue living his old life, I feel like there is no enjoyment in anything and he said that too. he wanted to meet today but i did not turn up. I wanted to punish him. So far I have always been there when he wanted, it just makes his life easier not mine. He knows everything is trashed at home and things will lnever be the same, but also he is still in love with me. Oh well, just ranting. :(
nais Posted March 6, 2014 Posted March 6, 2014 I am a very long term affair - d day six months ago. We are in low contact. The other day we met up and he said ''our lives are f@@@@d, everything is f@@@@d.'' I have cried every day not seeing him every day like i did. But he still wants to meet up and so do I as I cannot bear not seeing him and my skin just creeps and crawls like a drug withdrawal. But this week he said that and I thought, is it just dawning on him that he cannot continue living his old life, I feel like there is no enjoyment in anything and he said that too. he wanted to meet today but i did not turn up. I wanted to punish him. So far I have always been there when he wanted, it just makes his life easier not mine. He knows everything is trashed at home and things will lnever be the same, but also he is still in love with me. Oh well, just ranting. :( Not sure how long you were in the relationship- assuming you want it to end. Hard- but if you are hoping for change then maybe the change needs to happen first or reconcile yourself to being the second- some cannot do this some can, find out which one you are and assume the position. 1
herself Posted March 6, 2014 Posted March 6, 2014 13 years here, though a good chunk of that was friendship only. When mine ended I thought life was over, it was a black hole of despair, crying every day and night, losing sleep, withdrawal, utter depression. But I resolved to have my life back. I wanted to go on living . I resolved that I wasnt going to get to have him anymore, that I had no say or choice in the matter. Once I began exepting, I began healing. Slowly, very slowly. Its a few months down the line, the withdrawal is still there to a small degree but I am okay. Just okay. I have seen my genuine smile return, I have hope, I no longer miss him evety second, but every day at some point I do. I realized I can still love from a distance. Just because he fell out of love doesnt mean I did. I just am going on, and feel a little more free & happy bit by bit. Its a miracle & it can happen for anyone. Try. First to accept. See what happens from there. I know u may not listen, but I would ask u to consider blocking communication right now. It wont help. Dont deal in forever, deal in NOW. 3
jellybean89 Posted March 7, 2014 Posted March 7, 2014 Why are you playing games and trying to punish him? that isn't love. He has shown you by his actions that he isn't as into you as you think. He is married and his primary relationship is his marriage. Why are you settling for this? Are you married? He is in lust with you -- a man in love wouldn't want to be in a long term affair. He would want to be with the person he loves...and in this case, I think he is and that person is his wife. 3
Author verity123 Posted March 11, 2014 Author Posted March 11, 2014 Why are you playing games and trying to punish him? that isn't love. He has shown you by his actions that he isn't as into you as you think. He is married and his primary relationship is his marriage. Why are you settling for this? Are you married? He is in lust with you -- a man in love wouldn't want to be in a long term affair. He would want to be with the person he loves...and in this case, I think he is and that person is his wife. \I guess you are a BS. Thanks for your unkind response, 6 year affair and he is still seeing me. And yes, a man in love (with his bs) would not be in a .long term affair for sure.
Author verity123 Posted March 11, 2014 Author Posted March 11, 2014 He came looking for me today. I met him, we looked at each other, held hands, he asked me to meet him Thursday and asked why i did not turn up last week. Oh hell, how to walk away....
gettingstronger Posted March 11, 2014 Posted March 11, 2014 And yes, a man in love (with his bs) would not be in a .long term affair for sure I disagree, I believe it becomes easy and part of their life to live a double life. Why wouldn't he just leave his wife if he was deeply in love with you. I would want to be full time, out in the open and would risk everything if I was deeply in love with someone. I guess my question would be, where do you see this heading? There seems to be little progress one way or another in this. Do you picture yourself involved in this push pull for another six years? Have you made a timeline for you, personally, if where you want to be a year from now? When will it be time for you to be the decision maker for your life? 4
Spark1111 Posted March 11, 2014 Posted March 11, 2014 And yes, a man in love (with his bs) would not be in a .long term affair for sure I disagree, I believe it becomes easy and part of their life to live a double life. Why wouldn't he just leave his wife if he was deeply in love with you. I would want to be full time, out in the open and would risk everything if I was deeply in love with someone. I guess my question would be, where do you see this heading? There seems to be little progress one way or another in this. Do you picture yourself involved in this push pull for another six years? Have you made a timeline for you, personally, if where you want to be a year from now? When will it be time for you to be the decision maker for your life? OMG! I so agree....as a BS. you want her? Go get her. You want me? Come PROVE to me you are worth risking a future for.... Decide. Choose. Commit. Period. I, as a BS, decided I deserved a man who loved and cherished ONLY me. And while I hoped it would be him because I loved him, I was willing to risk it all. I kicked him out, changed the locks, spoke with a D attorney and wished he and his soulmate well. promised to D amicably, sell the assets and split most of the debts. While developing feelings for another hurt deeply, lying to my face, planning a future with me, treating me like garbage.....is what just about killed me. I loved him enough to let him go if he felt he had found better....and told him often. SURPRISE! He never, ever told her he had carte blanche to be with her. She was so kind, so nice, so agreeable to his every whine, complaint, vacillation, flip-flopping between me and her. She should have been smashing plates around his head in her kitchen as he cried to her that he needed to get back home, like I was when he was crying in my kitchen. THAT, he would have respected. Decide what YOU WANT and how you want it to play out. Stick to it. And stop swaying in the wind with this spineless cake eater. 2
snappytomcat Posted March 12, 2014 Posted March 12, 2014 he doesn't love you,or the bs,he only loves himself 3
KaliLove Posted March 12, 2014 Posted March 12, 2014 \I guess you are a BS. Thanks for your unkind response, 6 year affair and he is still seeing me. And yes, a man in love (with his bs) would not be in a .long term affair for sure. But a man in love with his OW would stay with his BS for an extended period of time while continuing to string his OW along? Fact is, he doesn't love either one of you. He only loves himself. 5
gettingstronger Posted March 12, 2014 Posted March 12, 2014 I agree, also as a BS. I offered to walk away clean, no exposure, no holding the kids over him, none of that. I too risked it all for the man I love. Risked being hurt again, risked security, the chance to start over, all of it. I know I deserved to make the choices for me and I deserved to be happy. I knew I loved him so I went for it. I want the same for you OP, a love that is open and honest and worth losing it all for. This does not sound like its that and I hope you find what you need and deserve. Reconciliation is a tough road, he and his wife share something if they are still together. That alone should be reason enough to move on and find someone to cherish just you. Good luck.
cocorico Posted March 12, 2014 Posted March 12, 2014 I do think long-term As can exist where there is deep romantic love for the OW. Just recently there was an interview on the radio with Jan Prebble, who had just published a book about her 46 year A. Her MM, John Prebble, had created an entire career (researching and writing books about the Scottish highlands) in order to provide him with opportunities to spend time with her. He had told her from the outset that he could not leave his W, and it was only after the BW died that he married his OW. That said, you need to decide if the R is working for you. If the benefits outweigh the costs, then that's great, but if you are more unhappy than happy, crying more than laughing, hurting more than feeling great, you need to walk away. Any R should improve your life and make it better for *both* of you. 1
MissBee Posted March 12, 2014 Posted March 12, 2014 (edited) Having read this forum for some years, having been in my own A, having a dear friend who has been on the treadmill to nowhere with a MM, pardon me, but I really am bored and unimpressed by the whole tragic love story, star-crossed lovers story line. I really am. It's lame. It really is. We have ONE life to live currently and I see no point in the whole holding hands and crying, having affairs and then when there is a dday you go back to your wife and then cry some more about you wish you met them first and you wish this and that and some more wishes....I mean...what's the point really? I am not criticizing you verity. I empathize with you but seeing so many women literally in turmoil over their MM who can't do this and can't do that and is in a prison of his own making is very frustrating. Yes there is a time for tears and speeches and loving sentiment....but then what? What next? Why is he staying married? Does he have children? What is his reason for upon dday choosing to stay? What will you do now that he's made his choice? I get that it hurts and even for him too he may be hurt, but there does come a point when we control our own paths and destinies and make some hard choices. It seems the problem is many MP want some kind of genie to come and grant all their wishes and for the BS, the OW, God, Satan, whomever to make things go away and provide some magic pill where they can have everything they want and it work out perfectly....hence the inertia as they are scared to do anything because it won't be easy and may be uncomfortable or hurtful...but welcome to life. No one is special. ALL of us have to at one point or another do something risky or uncomfortable and even painful and in trying to avoid it you just waste your time and everyone else's. People do it all the time and he can too, so can you, so my advice would be to focus more on your power and choices instead of focusing on just the "deep feelings", as deep feelings can lead you astray sometimes. Focusing on the actual logistics and choices may help you find some kind of concrete plan in this situation to move forward with or without him. Edited March 12, 2014 by MissBee 12
Author verity123 Posted March 12, 2014 Author Posted March 12, 2014 (edited) OMG! I so agree....as a BS. you want her? Go get her. You want me? Come PROVE to me you are worth risking a future for.... Decide. Choose. Commit. Period. I, as a BS, decided I deserved a man who loved and cherished ONLY me. And while I hoped it would be him because I loved him, I was willing to risk it all. I kicked him out, changed the locks, spoke with a D attorney and wished he and his soulmate well. promised to D amicably, sell the assets and split most of the debts. While developing feelings for another hurt deeply, lying to my face, planning a future with me, treating me like garbage.....is what just about killed me. I loved him enough to let him go if he felt he had found better....and told him often. SURPRISE! He never, ever told her he had carte blanche to be with her. She was so kind, so nice, so agreeable to his every whine, complaint, vacillation, flip-flopping between me and her. She should have been smashing plates around his head in her kitchen as he cried to her that he needed to get back home, like I was when he was crying in my kitchen. THAT, he would have respected. Decide what YOU WANT and how you want it to play out. Stick to it. And stop swaying in the wind with this spineless cake eater. Ok Spark I respect your opinion, I will take the plates tomorrow when i meet him, I don't even know why I am meeting him All I know is that we love each other and we do not meet for sex but just to be together and he has like four wives, four grown up daughters!!! One still at home Edited March 12, 2014 by verity123
jellybean89 Posted March 12, 2014 Posted March 12, 2014 He came looking for me today. I met him, we looked at each other, held hands, he asked me to meet him Thursday and asked why i did not turn up last week. Oh hell, how to walk away.... No I am not a BS, why would you say that? Because of my view? But a man in love with his OW would stay with his BS for an extended period of time while continuing to string his OW along? Fact is, he doesn't love either one of you. He only loves himself. Agree with Kail. You have the choice to continue or walk away. You made the choice to engage in an affair. I personally haven't experienced that, but from reading posts here and at other sites, I do not understand why you would accept crumbs from a man who claims to love you. Love isn't this, in my opinion. 1
HermioneG Posted March 12, 2014 Posted March 12, 2014 I do think long-term As can exist where there is deep romantic love for the OW. Just recently there was an interview on the radio with Jan Prebble, who had just published a book about her 46 year A. Her MM, John Prebble, had created an entire career (researching and writing books about the Scottish highlands) in order to provide him with opportunities to spend time with her. He had told her from the outset that he could not leave his W, and it was only after the BW died that he married his OW. That said, you need to decide if the R is working for you. If the benefits outweigh the costs, then that's great, but if you are more unhappy than happy, crying more than laughing, hurting more than feeling great, you need to walk away. Any R should improve your life and make it better for *both* of you. 46 year affair. That's terrible. How awful for the other woman. Gosh. Sometimes you think you've heard it all, and then you hear something new. 4
MissBee Posted March 13, 2014 Posted March 13, 2014 46 year affair. That's terrible. How awful for the other woman. Gosh. Sometimes you think you've heard it all, and then you hear something new. Yea....just wow. I guess some would read it as romantic, but I simply read it as ridiculous and quite unfortunate. A 46 year affair??? I can't imagine how that could possibly happen. But to each her own. I don't think most OW have an interest in an entire lifetime of an affair though, so if that isn't your interest and if you aren't waiting for your MM's BS to drop dead after 50 years so he can marry you at what, 70 (?) then, it's probably better as I suggested to focus on actual choices you can make now instead of focusing on sentiment. 5
waterwoman Posted March 13, 2014 Posted March 13, 2014 I don't know that a 46 yr affair would be so dreadful, if the mistress knew the score and was genuinely happy with it. I do wonder whether his wife 'knew' but had come to terms. Or how he behaved towards her - I am guessing he loved both women. Maybe after that length of time love was gentler and muted in both relationships. I think as a BW what hurt was that he had become distant and cold to the children and I - giving the impression that his feelings for her were more important than for me.
Eggplant Posted March 13, 2014 Posted March 13, 2014 But a man in love with his OW would stay with his BS for an extended period of time while continuing to string his OW along? Fact is, he doesn't love either one of you. He only loves himself.What I believe is that all love is always self-serving on a subconscious level. It may be noble and unconditional on a conscious level, but the puppet master inside the brain always is looking after his own interests. Therefore, this criticism doesn't cut his love down too much for me, as opposed to love under other circumstances. In fact the MM probably does love the OW, but love doesn't always come in a selfless form. In fact, I think unconditional, selfless love is more of a female thing.
Author verity123 Posted March 13, 2014 Author Posted March 13, 2014 What I believe is that all love is always self-serving on a subconscious level. It may be noble and unconditional on a conscious level, but the puppet master inside the brain always is looking after his own interests. Therefore, this criticism doesn't cut his love down too much for me, as opposed to love under other circumstances. In fact the MM probably does love the OW, but love doesn't always come in a selfless form. In fact, I think unconditional, selfless love is more of a female thing. This is so true, as much as we have tried to untangle ourselves from this mess that thing in the brain is tap tap tapping almost to drive us both insane and do some silly stuff, like driving round the town to find each other. He loves me I have no doubt, His extended family is what keeps him from leaving and being married for 30 odd years is like coming out of prison, it would be scary, but a woman knows when a man loves her. And yes, I agree totally with the last sentence, deep romantic love is far from selfless. 1
IfWishesWereHorses Posted March 13, 2014 Posted March 13, 2014 This is so true, as much as we have tried to untangle ourselves from this mess that thing in the brain is tap tap tapping almost to drive us both insane and do some silly stuff, like driving round the town to find each other. He loves me I have no doubt, His extended family is what keeps him from leaving and being married for 30 odd years is like coming out of prison, it would be scary, but a woman knows when a man loves her. And yes, I agree totally with the last sentence, deep romantic love is far from selfless. That's why you read all those stories about people refusing to come out of prison! Of course it's scary, but unlike coming out of prison and having to figure out how to live on your own, the MM has someone ready to jump right into a R and to "save" him. IF he wanted the M or the A to end he'd end it, he wants what works best for him, not anyone else. 1
KaliLove Posted March 13, 2014 Posted March 13, 2014 What I believe is that all love is always self-serving on a subconscious level. It may be noble and unconditional on a conscious level, but the puppet master inside the brain always is looking after his own interests. Therefore, this criticism doesn't cut his love down too much for me, as opposed to love under other circumstances. In fact the MM probably does love the OW, but love doesn't always come in a selfless form. In fact, I think unconditional, selfless love is more of a female thing. Wow. You must really hate women.
cocorico Posted March 14, 2014 Posted March 14, 2014 I don't know that a 46 yr affair would be so dreadful, if the mistress knew the score and was genuinely happy with it. I do wonder whether his wife 'knew' but had come to terms. Or how he behaved towards her - I am guessing he loved both women. Maybe after that length of time love was gentler and muted in both relationships. I think as a BW what hurt was that he had become distant and cold to the children and I - giving the impression that his feelings for her were more important than for me. I haven't read the book, but in the interview (on Radio 4, it will be available on the website) she claimed she had written the book to show that being an OW was not miserable, it was a wonderful time for her and she would not have had it any other way. She was asked if she'd had any regrets about the A - and she mentioned having had an abortion, with some sadness - and any regrets about ending the A and M the guy, and while she gushed on about how lovely it was to have him full time, she did seem a little wistful about losing the romance and excitement of the A. No mention was made of the R between the MM and the BW, and only passing reference to his kids (via, their possible reaction to the book). Apparently he had pushed her to write the book, although she only did so after he died, so he could not have been too bothered about the reaction of the kids.
Eggplant Posted March 15, 2014 Posted March 15, 2014 (edited) Wow. You must really hate women. Not at all. Why did you decide that? I am a woman, first of all, and I have respect for myself and the female gender. You might say, however, that I am cynical on behalf of all of humankind. Edited March 15, 2014 by Eggplant
Eggplant Posted March 15, 2014 Posted March 15, 2014 Yea....just wow. I guess some would read it as romantic, but I simply read it as ridiculous and quite unfortunate. A 46 year affair??? I can't imagine how that could possibly happen. But to each her own. I don't think most OW have an interest in an entire lifetime of an affair though, so if that isn't your interest and if you aren't waiting for your MM's BS to drop dead after 50 years so he can marry you at what, 70 (?) then, it's probably better as I suggested to focus on actual choices you can make now instead of focusing on sentiment. I've come to the conclusion that love, in particular the mating kind, is a fundamental human pseudo-necessity. It's not on the level of air, food, water, shelter, of course. But it's still an instinct, and the brain will reward us for finding it and inflict pain on us for missing it. When a suitable available socially acceptable single mate isn't available, many people are still going to follow their instincts and build that bird's nest, rather than "starve," depending on who is available as well as their personal morals. Granted some will choose to "starve." I know people are going to say that an emotionally stable human being could be alone and independent and happy. It may vary from person to person. Some people can live pretty well on 4 hours of sleep a night or on poor nutrition too. And some people would choose a life of poor nutrition or little food rather than steal. Also, people with healthy social lives and family support probably are less hungry. For a young, beautiful, intelligent 20-something, with no children yet and no ties, and who has men lining up to court her, for examples, it may not make sense. But what I'd guess does makes it possibly happen is a strong drive for the connection coupled with poor alternatives. As far as the AP not leaving his wife, here is the sick part where one human needs the other more than the other needs her. Or, love, while a big need, isn't always greater than the need to provide stability for children. In general, for a typical person, I hope that this would never be thinkable. Yet I suspect the reality isn't always pretty, and many people have a rough time in life in many areas. 1
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