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I swear, my GF is bipolar. ! :(

Dante311

By Dante311
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Dante311 Established Member

Dante311

Posted
Posted

This is such a complicated story. I don't even know where to begin.

 

Let's just say we broke up and got back together twice now in a 2 year span. She is hot and cold with our relationship and tells me the thought of losing me scares her... she wants a future with me and she doesn't know how I put up with her ****/cranky attitudes, BUT.. if I were to pull some of the **** she pulls one me, she'd walk away (again, if she were me). She's so lucky to have me... and needs me when she needs me, but when I need her and she's not available??? Forget it... If I tell her I need her, and she can't give it I'm up ****'s creek. I'll get yelled at (like I was tonight) because I wanted to see her, miss her, and love her (and haven't seen her in 3-4 days now). She has rules. I can only see her on the weekend, but only fri night, sat, sat night, and out sun by 2-3pm. and once every so often she'll come to my place... but only stay the night and then leave. That happens once a month perhaps?

 

I don't know.. there's way too much to go on about. I'm just tired of her games. She made me go see a therapist and I did, and she admits and acknowledges I'm making positive changes. She said she'd do the same, but she makes NO effort.

 

I want to go to couples therapy, and she says she'll do it, but makes NO EFFORT.

 

I am in medicine... I'm TIRED 24/7... I am so burned out from this relationship. :(

 

I see a therapist once a week per her request. I'm off FB per her "request"... I'm available at her request. Where the **** has ME gone? where are my testicles? :(

 

I'm her toy. It's not love anymore, I'm her comfort. She's never been with anyone as long as she's been with me. I've been with someone this long, and longer... I don't know if I want this anymore... I keep telling myself things will get better, but I keep believing now that it wont ...

 

help! :(

 

advice

 

I'm sad.

 

I know I'm not perfect, but I can't be at 100% fault. It does take two to tango, but I am only hurting myself more and more when I tango with her.. b/c she steps on both my feet and then throws me to the floor and only picks me up when she wants to dance. Not when I want :/

carhill Established Member

carhill

Posted
Posted

Since you're in medicine, you've surely got some psych colleagues who can advise you. If you were married to her, I might offer some less than savory experiments to conduct, but heck, you're not so if it isn't working it isn't working.

 

I deal with this kind of stuff every day with my best friend's wife. Today she's sobbing on the phone and tomorrow she'll be calling me a worthless SOB. There are times where I want to crush up some 2.5mg Zyprexa and put it in her food like I used to do for my mom to flatten out the psychosis. I'm not advising that!

 

I dealt with mental illness up close and personal for over eight years. If any lady were to even poke a whiff of that in my direction today, I'd be gone so fast she wouldn't ever remember I was there. Life is too short!

 

Up to you man. It's your life.

  • Like 1
LostConfused123 Established Member

LostConfused123

Posted
Posted

I was exhausted just reading that. I was also with a man with BPD.(not diagnosed)

it will suck the life right out of you. If she was making a serious effort that would be one thing. From your own admission, she's not.

 

Run!!!!!

 

Best of luck!

juicygirl Established Member

juicygirl

Posted
Posted

Your girlfriend doesn't sound bipolar, more likely she has some kind of personality disorder and some strong narcissistic traits.

The short answer is run for the hills. Talk to your therapy about why you are letting someone else control you and your therapist can help you cope after the break up, because your girlfriend will play all nice to suck you back in. Since she's been controlling you for so long, it will be easy to fall for this trick,DON'T.

 

Relationships should be give and take, but she's just taking. Talk is cheap, you've seen no actions of her following through with her promises,so what are you waiting for? She will not change and this will drain the life out of you.

 

 

Thank your lucky stars you didn't marry her ;). Send her a text that it's over, seriously, with her behaviour she doesn't deseve a break up conversation over coffee. Plus, she'll spin things around to make it your fault, or make it seem like she broke up with you. Ignore all her calls,texts etc and if need be change your damn number. If she comes to your home, don't answer the door,go cold be strong. Go get your life back.

  • Like 3
GoreSP Established Member

GoreSP

Posted
Posted

I don't think your girlfriend has any type of mental illness or personality disorder. You do whatever she wants you to so she keeps demanding.

 

I'm not sure why you stay in this relationship. My theory is that while women 'friendzone' nice guys to date *******s, men ignore the sane girls and date crazy ass bitches....

 

Anyways if I were you I would break up and go NC forever

  • Like 1
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Dante311 Established Member

Dante311

Posted
  • Author
Posted (edited)
Your girlfriend doesn't sound bipolar, more likely she has some kind of personality disorder and some strong narcissistic traits.

The short answer is run for the hills. Talk to your therapy about why you are letting someone else control you and your therapist can help you cope after the break up, because your girlfriend will play all nice to suck you back in. Since she's been controlling you for so long, it will be easy to fall for this trick,DON'T.

 

Relationships should be give and take, but she's just taking. Talk is cheap, you've seen no actions of her following through with her promises,so what are you waiting for? She will not change and this will drain the life out of you.

 

 

Thank your lucky stars you didn't marry her ;). Send her a text that it's over, seriously, with her behaviour she doesn't deseve a break up conversation over coffee. Plus, she'll spin things around to make it your fault, or make it seem like she broke up with you. Ignore all her calls,texts etc and if need be change your damn number. If she comes to your home, don't answer the door,go cold be strong. Go get your life back.

 

First, thank you all.

 

And JuicyGirl... you have no idea how GREAT she is at ALWAYS making it my fault. It's sad... she's going to ignore our fight all day... and sometime later message me as if nothing has happened. And when I comment, "wtf?"... she'll get upset again that I'm bringing up **** we should've moved on from. When I ask her to move on, she gets riled up and I'm in the wrong.

 

I planted a little white lie to test her last night. she FAILED.

 

I told her something that hurt and bothered me. Her reply, "You're too emotional, too needy, and I can't deal with this ****. You're going to be a great doctor one day, but I don't want to deal with this now. I'm tired. (mind you it's only around 8:50pm)... Goodnight."

 

And then she proceeded to ignore me all night there after.

 

I can't take this anymore.

 

Oh and to add insult to injury... she WANTS a future with me b/c I have so many GREAT qualities and traits and attributes, but she won't move in with me....

Edited by Dante311
  • Like 1
MidwestUSA Established Member

MidwestUSA

Posted
Posted
I was exhausted just reading that. I was also with a man with BPD.(not diagnosed)

it will suck the life right out of you. If she was making a serious effort that would be one thing. From your own admission, she's not.

 

For the record, BPD generally refers to borderline personality disorder, not bipolar.

 

 

OP, you may want to look up some of the characteristics of borderline and see if they fit, because I'm not seeing the typical ups and downs of bipolar here. Good luck!

  • Like 1
ThatMan Established Member

ThatMan

Posted
Posted

What you need to do is stop being so clinical with her behavior. It doesn't matter what label you place on her. What matter is whether or not you can live with her antics. You said that this relationship isn't about love anymore. Maybe it's time to consider the possibly of walking away from the drama.

Emilia Established Member

Emilia

Posted
Posted
For the record, BPD generally refers to borderline personality disorder, not bipolar.

 

 

OP, you may want to look up some of the characteristics of borderline and see if they fit, because I'm not seeing the typical ups and downs of bipolar here. Good luck!

Agreed.

 

 

_____

  • Like 1
HappyLove Established Member

HappyLove

Posted
Posted

Sorry but the problem here is not your gf it's YOU! She's a psychopath yet you want her to move in? You're only allowed to see her at stated times and still you stay. How about you stop being a glutten for punishment and get out of this DYSFUNCTIONAL relationship?

Zahara Established Member

Zahara

Posted
Posted

OMG. Please do not have her move in. Do whatever you want but don't have her move in.

 

Yes OP, you said where's your testicles -- I attest you need a backbone, some balls and a flaming fire up your ass.

 

You see it as toxic and destructive yet you stay. What does your therapist say about all this?

  • Like 1
Under The Radar Established Member

Under The Radar

Posted
Posted

I was in a relationship with a woman, like the one you describe, for several years.

 

 

Like you, I was a broken man who lost his identity and was constantly walking on egg shells.

 

 

My usual self, fond of always joking and smiling, died. I felt like a zombie, condemned to walk the earth, miserable all the time.

 

 

Once I had the courage to break up with her, and go hardcore no contact, did my healing begin.

 

 

I am sorry, but the relationship you are in is abusive and irreparably damaged ...... because of her ...... not you.

 

 

She is the one who needs therapy, but unfortunately that will never happen.

 

 

She is either incapable or unwilling to see her own character flaws.

 

 

She is manipulating you, and utilizing shame tactics, as a tool to control you.

 

 

This WILL NOT get better ...... don't spend two more years in this soul sucking vortex.

 

 

Practice some self-love, self-respect, and self-preservation by walking away ...... FOREVER.

  • Like 4
HappyLove Established Member

HappyLove

Posted
Posted

The gf has nothing mentally wrong with her. Some people are just plain ol mean. And when they find a sucker who will do whatever they tell them to they hit jackpot and just continue to abuse those people. She's just hanging in there because as I read looks like OP is gonna be a doctor, so this chick is no dummy she's looking to cash in later on. Get help for yourself OP and don't let anyone treat you like this, you owe yourself better!

 

Men sure do love bitches.

  • Like 1
2nd tyme Member

2nd tyme

Posted
Posted

I agree with the likely BPD in this case. I was in a relationship with a BPD 30 years. It does not get better, it gets worse. I would love to be back in your position to do things over. Run now and get away. It won't be easy, but it must be done.

  • Like 3
Under The Radar Established Member

Under The Radar

Posted
Posted
The gf has nothing mentally wrong with her. Some people are just plain ol mean. And when they find a sucker who will do whatever they tell them to they hit jackpot and just continue to abuse those people. She's just hanging in there because as I read looks like OP is gonna be a doctor, so this chick is no dummy she's looking to cash in later on. Get help for yourself OP and don't let anyone treat you like this, you owe yourself better!

 

Men sure do love bitches.

 

 

 

 

 

Bitches or hot women who happen to be bitchy?

 

 

Most men want a physically attractive woman, and it so happens, many physically attractive women can be bitches.

 

 

The chicken or the egg?

 

 

I'm a fella, and I can honestly say I don't love bitches - LOL

 

 

I would argue that pathological selfishness and cruelty are traits of someone mentally unhealthy ...... regardless of whether or not those characteristics can be located in the DSM V.

 

 

The OP's significant other is pathologically selfish and cruel.

  • Author
Dante311 Established Member

Dante311

Posted
  • Author
Posted (edited)

Thank you to everyone so far.

 

It IS the same girl, as someone alluded to an old thread. She is sucking the life out of me. My therapist tells me that to him, it sounds like the relationship is already over. He knows my position, I'm a pulmonologist in training (that's cardiopulmonary/critical care/anesthesia stuff)

 

...it's STRESSFUL. A lot of thinking, a lot of training, a lot of education...

 

The therapist keeps telling me what am I doing for me? What about me? Forget about the girlfriend, to him it's not going anywhere. I need to slow down and focus on me. I need to slow down with me work, because he thinks I'm running from a void I've spoken of in the past. I need to become comfortable with me. I asked him (he's a PhD, not an LICSW... so he's good to go on, in my professional opinion) if he thought I was bipolar or BPD, etc... he said the time we've spent together, no. I've been speaking with him for about 8 months now. 1 time a week. At the gf's demand.

 

...for those of you who should know, I was a first responder at the boston marathon, so I broke down and cracked at that point and suffered an enormous flux of emotion. The gf had difficulty dealing with me (partly because i feel she thinks the world revolves around her - but won't admit it), but I sought additional outside therapy to cope with PTSD.

 

So I'd like to listen to my therapist and mention I'm not insane... I'm not BP or BPD... I don't need meds.

 

I'm extremely disappointed.

 

I'm at work now though... so I need to be brief. tty all later

 

thanks again!

Edited by Dante311
MidwestUSA Established Member

MidwestUSA

Posted
Posted

OP, I just want to say thank you for being there (Boston). How horrific. May you find some peace with it, knowing that you did what you could. God bless you.

  • Like 1
HappyLove Established Member

HappyLove

Posted
Posted
Bitches or hot women who happen to be bitchy?

 

 

Most men want a physically attractive woman, and it so happens, many physically attractive women can be bitches.

 

 

The chicken or the egg?

 

 

I'm a fella, and I can honestly say I don't love bitches - LOL

 

 

I would argue that pathological selfishness and cruelty are traits of someone mentally unhealthy ...... regardless of whether or not those characteristics can be located in the DSM V.

 

 

The OP's significant other is pathologically selfish and cruel.

 

Yes men love hot mean women even more but there are some men with mean ugly women too. The respectful, will have your back, and love and honestly care for you women often get used and abused or overlooked. Then you see these downright evil women with good men. Just doesn't make sense.

 

OP your field is VERY stressful I don't understand why you'd put yourself through years of heartache. You could be very happy with someone else!

Keenly Established Member

Keenly

Posted
Posted

Bi polar? Probably not.

 

 

Selfish bitch? You bet.

 

 

Grow a pair and leave her. Find a girl that you have to beat away with a stick to get some alone time, as compared to the girl you are begging for time with and she doesn't even care.

  • Like 1
Woggle Established Member

Woggle

Posted
Posted

Why are you with her? What exactly does she bring to your life that is positive?

  • Like 2
babycakees Established Member

babycakees

Posted
Posted

This sounds just like my ex that I dated for four years. I lost the real me in the process of trying to make a "relationship" with him work. He would insult me, degrade me and make sure everything was always on his terms. When I finally left him, it was like a huge relief was lifted from my chest. I left him the beginning of October and I've enjoyed life more lately than I did the entire 4 years I was with him.

 

For your own well-being, get out now.

Under The Radar Established Member

Under The Radar

Posted
Posted

OP, your therapist is absolutely right; you need to take care of yourself.

 

 

I honestly don't know how you have been managing your medical training while dealing with the whirlwind that is your relationship.

 

 

You said that your education/training is stressful ...... and I believe you.

 

 

However, it's important to decipher between good and bad stress:

 

 

Eustress = Good Stress

 

 

Distress = Bad Stress

 

 

Your medical training and education is stressful, but it's an investment towards your future. The focus and studying that's involved is ultimately good for you. Just like the stress from running, pushups, and pullups is an example of good stress (exercise) that leads to positive physiological adaptions while often times relieving bad stress.

 

 

Your girlfriend is an example of bad stress ...... which as a doctor you know is at the top of the list for things like high blood pressure, heart disease, depression, anxiety, accelerated aging, and the list goes on and on. In short, it's an absolute killer.

 

 

Your therapist isn't going to tell you to dump her ...... that's generally not how psychologists work. He wants you to come to that conclusion yourself ...... which is why he asks leading questions such as: Forget about the girlfriend; what are you doing for you?!?!

 

 

Nevertheless, those of us on this thread are not bound to the same parameters that govern the therapy world. We can tell you to kick this bitch to the curb and, in fact, that's exactly what you need to do. Ask yourself: What would you tell a close friend to do in this situation?

 

 

The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again expecting a different result. She will not change and neither will this situation. Don't consume yourself with distress for another two years; it's not worth it. Embrace the eustress in your life, cope with it the best you can, and give love back to yourself ...... not BroomHelga (your girlfriend).

  • Like 1
Downtown Established Member

Downtown

Posted
Posted
I asked [my therapist] if he thought I was bipolar or BPD, etc... he said the time we've spent together, no. ...so I'd like to listen to my therapist and mention I'm not BPD.
Dante, nobody has suggested YOU have BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder). Rather, the three posters mentioning BPD -- i.e., Midwest, Emilia, and 2ndTyme -- all suggested that you consider it as a possible explanation for your GF's dysfunctional behavior. I agree with their suggestion. I also agree with Juicygirl that it would be prudent -- to a lesser extent -- to also consider a few narcissistic traits.

I swear, my GF is bipolar!
Perhaps she is bipolar, Dante. That is NOT what you're describing, however. Significantly, in your posts over the past two years, you've described many behaviors that are classic warning signs for BPD:

 

  • strong verbal abuse,
  • lack of empathy whenever she is stressed,
  • event-triggered temper tantrums, typically lasting several hours (and rarely as long as two days),
  • rapid flips between Jekyll (adoring you) and Hyde (devaluing or hating you),
  • strong fear of engulfment (evident in her inability to tolerate intimacy for more than a day or two after her 3-month infatuation period ended),
  • fear of abandonment (seems to be evident in the pull-back phase of her recurrent cycle of push-you-away and pull-you-back),
  • having one set of rules for herself and another for you (evident in her double set of rules for posting photos on FB and evident in her expecting you to be available at all times even though she is unavailable when out with friends),
  • inability to trust (her "snooping" on you and claiming you cheated with Matt), and
  • always being "The Victim" (her blaming all misfortune on you and refusing to accept any responsibility for it).

Of course, you cannot diagnose your GF, i.e., cannot determine whether she "has BPD." That is, you cannot determine whether her BPD traits are so severe that they meet 100% of the diagnostic guidelines for having full-blown BPD. Only professionals like your therapist can make a diagnosis. Hence, if you are ever tempted to marry your GF, I strongly recommend you try to persuade your therapist to speak candidly about what it is you are dealing with. I say "try to persuade" him because, if your GF actually does have strong traits of BPD or another PD, therapists generally are loath to tell the BPDer -- much less tell her BF -- the name of the disorder (for the protection of the BPDer).

 

There is a world of difference, however, between making a diagnosis (which is very difficult) and simply spotting the warning signs for a disorder (which is not difficult to do). You are capable of spotting the red flags for BPD -- if you take time to learn what to look for -- because there is nothing subtle about strong occurrences of traits such as verbal abuse, always being "The Victim" and the push-away/pull-back cycle.

 

I caution that every adult on the planet occasionally exhibits all of the BPD traits -- albeit at a low level if the person is healthy. This is why BPD is said to be a "spectrum disorder," which means everyone has the traits to some degree. At issue, then, is not whether your GF exhibits these traits. Of course she does. We all do. Rather, at issue is whether she has most of these BPD traits at a strong and persistent level. Not having met her, I cannot know whether her BPD traits are strong. I nonetheless believe you are capable of spotting any red flags that exist if you take time to learn the warning signs.

 

Most women know, for example, how to spot the warning signs for breast cancer -- without being able to diagnose it. Similarly, most men over 50 know the warning signs for heart attack and stroke -- without being able to diagnose those diseases. Likewise, you are capable of spotting the warning signs for BPD and other mental disorders -- without being able to diagnose them -- if you take a little time to learn what to look for.

 

Being able to spot these signs is important when you are seeking a spouse because, until you are able to spot them, you are at risk of leaving this troubled young lady only to run right into the arms of another one just like her. Indeed, you've already done this before. You dumped your very abusive exGF only to end up living with the emotionally abusive GF you've now been dating for the past two years.

 

I therefore join Midwest, Emilia, and 2ndTyme in suggesting that you read about BPD warning signs to see if most sound very familiar. An easy place to start is my overview of BPD red flags at my post in Rebel's Thread. If that discussion rings a bell, there are at least five posters in this thread (including Juicygirl) who would be glad to discuss it with you. Finally, thanks for rushing in -- at a great cost to yourself (PTSD) -- to help those injured at the Boston Marathon! Take care, Dante.

  • Like 3
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Dante311 Established Member

Dante311

Posted
  • Author
Posted
Dante, nobody has suggested YOU have BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder). Rather, the three posters mentioning BPD -- i.e., Midwest, Emilia, and 2ndTyme -- all suggested that you consider it as a possible explanation for your GF's dysfunctional behavior. I agree with their suggestion. I also agree with Juicygirl that it would be prudent -- to a lesser extent -- to also consider a few narcissistic traits.

Perhaps she is bipolar, Dante. That is NOT what you're describing, however. Significantly, in your posts over the past two years, you've described many behaviors that are classic warning signs for BPD:

 

  • strong verbal abuse,
  • lack of empathy whenever she is stressed,
  • event-triggered temper tantrums, typically lasting several hours (and rarely as long as two days),
  • rapid flips between Jekyll (adoring you) and Hyde (devaluing or hating you),
  • strong fear of engulfment (evident in her inability to tolerate intimacy for more than a day or two after her 3-month infatuation period ended),
  • fear of abandonment (seems to be evident in the pull-back phase of her recurrent cycle of push-you-away and pull-you-back),
  • having one set of rules for herself and another for you (evident in her double set of rules for posting photos on FB and evident in her expecting you to be available at all times even though she is unavailable when out with friends),
  • inability to trust (her "snooping" on you and claiming you cheated with Matt), and
  • always being "The Victim" (her blaming all misfortune on you and refusing to accept any responsibility for it).

Of course, you cannot diagnose your GF, i.e., cannot determine whether she "has BPD." That is, you cannot determine whether her BPD traits are so severe that they meet 100% of the diagnostic guidelines for having full-blown BPD. Only professionals like your therapist can make a diagnosis. Hence, if you are ever tempted to marry your GF, I strongly recommend you try to persuade your therapist to speak candidly about what it is you are dealing with. I say "try to persuade" him because, if your GF actually does have strong traits of BPD or another PD, therapists generally are loath to tell the BPDer -- much less tell her BF -- the name of the disorder (for the protection of the BPDer).

 

There is a world of difference, however, between making a diagnosis (which is very difficult) and simply spotting the warning signs for a disorder (which is not difficult to do). You are capable of spotting the red flags for BPD -- if you take time to learn what to look for -- because there is nothing subtle about strong occurrences of traits such as verbal abuse, always being "The Victim" and the push-away/pull-back cycle.

 

I caution that every adult on the planet occasionally exhibits all of the BPD traits -- albeit at a low level if the person is healthy. This is why BPD is said to be a "spectrum disorder," which means everyone has the traits to some degree. At issue, then, is not whether your GF exhibits these traits. Of course she does. We all do. Rather, at issue is whether she has most of these BPD traits at a strong and persistent level. Not having met her, I cannot know whether her BPD traits are strong. I nonetheless believe you are capable of spotting any red flags that exist if you take time to learn the warning signs.

 

Most women know, for example, how to spot the warning signs for breast cancer -- without being able to diagnose it. Similarly, most men over 50 know the warning signs for heart attack and stroke -- without being able to diagnose those diseases. Likewise, you are capable of spotting the warning signs for BPD and other mental disorders -- without being able to diagnose them -- if you take a little time to learn what to look for.

 

Being able to spot these signs is important when you are seeking a spouse because, until you are able to spot them, you are at risk of leaving this troubled young lady only to run right into the arms of another one just like her. Indeed, you've already done this before. You dumped your very abusive exGF only to end up living with the emotionally abusive GF you've now been dating for the past two years.

 

I therefore join Midwest, Emilia, and 2ndTyme in suggesting that you read about BPD warning signs to see if most sound very familiar. An easy place to start is my overview of BPD red flags at my post in Rebel's Thread. If that discussion rings a bell, there are at least five posters in this thread (including Juicygirl) who would be glad to discuss it with you. Finally, thanks for rushing in -- at a great cost to yourself (PTSD) -- to help those injured at the Boston Marathon! Take care, Dante.

 

 

Wow.

 

Thank you. That was well thought out and structured. I appreciate everyone's input. A lot of this is sitting well with me. I spoke with my therapist last night. He flat out told me, my relationship is abusive.

Shocked me, but it's true.

 

Thank you again :)

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