Strength Posted March 6, 2014 Posted March 6, 2014 i am stuck in a cycle of not being able to let go of hope. we broke up about a month ago and for the first couple of weeks she was a total mess and didnt leave the house. we spoke and saw each other a few times and talking about how much pain we were in. it was a mutual breakup, we had broken up before. right now, she seems ok but i know it can appear like that. she started seeing friends and got out of the house and it really helped her. i feel like i am getting worse. we have hung out a couple times as we kind of had to with concerts and things. and we have another few weeks of concerts to goto together. i feel like i cannot heal and i cant let go. i dont know how much of it is me wanting us to finally sit down and go through all the pain that we have endured from each other in the last 5-6 years. we avoided talking about stuff that hurt us and working it out properly so much and it affected us a lot. on the other hand, a fair bit of my feelings seem to be about jealousy and the fear of her moving on and leaving me in the gutter feeling terrible. i know i need to focus on myself and love myself. its very hard when we are trying to be friends, especially because of all the gigs we have to goto. i am unsure of my true feelings. i was never ready to take our relationship to the next level and i dont know how i feel about it now. she and i still feel like best friends but i have been withdrawing myself until the times where we have to hang out, then im just being a nice version of myself as much as possible. sure i had a couple of weak moments messaging her about if she was on a date and stuff, but she understands that, just told me not to do it again. i feel like i need to ask her a key question. that question is whether she is willing to put everything that hurts between us on the table and resolve it as much as possible, not with the specific intent on getting back together necessarily, but to clear the pain that i know i feel and that is responsible for a build up of mistrust and lack of confidence in our relationship that eventually led to it ending. if she is unwilling to do that, then i will tell her that with a heavy heart, i must remove her from my life. i cannot live in limbo. we are sharing an apartment for a concert this saturday coming up and i tihnk i will just be happy me as much as possible and try not to get jealous and scared and angry if she talks to random people over the weekend (its just what she does, she talks to everyone). but come next week i think i will send her that message, even though we have 2 more concerts the following week together. the way i feel at the moment is kinda abandoned, scared, in limbo, but the worst of all is that i feel i need revenge. but i do feel that this revenge is a result of something that happened a few years ago that we never properly resolved. i think if we were able to really resolve our past pains, then things would be a lot healthier. the revenge i speak of right now i think can be healed by really sharing with her how much it hurt me what she did. she kinda knows, but its still hurting me by the fact that we are broken up now and im feeling the same kinda feelings as when she did what she did. i know that being friends only helps her get over me, but ive allowed it whilst we have all these concerts to goto. come next week we will still have a couple to goto but i think i need to give her the ultimatum before them. either lets share our pain completely and honestly, which is all shes ever really wanted from me, or lets say goodbye. either one of those should give me the closure i need at this point in time. she wants to have a family and kids and stuff and is in her 30's, i have always been scared of doing that and avoided moving the relationship forward which stalled our communication. i feel like i have grown up a little bit more as a result of this breakup. but i dont think i can discover my absolute true feelings for her with all this pain still unresolved in my chest.
Author Strength Posted March 6, 2014 Author Posted March 6, 2014 i think the worst part is how much i am doing my head in about what she is doing with her time. i cannot stop worrying about her moving on and thinking terrible thoughts about what shes doing. people reassure me but it doesnt stop the anxiety and fear and irrational (most likely) thoughts that come into my head all day every day. i feel it affects my self worth, if she was to do these things. i have placed too much value in how her feelings and actions affect how i view myself rather than being strong and confident within and KNOWING that i am responsible for how I FEEL ABOUT MYSELF. and no one else is.
nohardfelines Posted March 6, 2014 Posted March 6, 2014 i think the worst part is how much i am doing my head in about what she is doing with her time. i cannot stop worrying about her moving on and thinking terrible thoughts about what shes doing. people reassure me but it doesnt stop the anxiety and fear and irrational (most likely) thoughts that come into my head all day every day. I feel you. The first and last thoughts that go through my head every day are 'what is she doing' and most paralyzingly, 'WHO IS SHE WITH???' It will hit me out of nowhere, and just brings it all back every time. They tell me that it gets better. I'm still waiting, though. I know what you're going through, trying to be the nice guy and make it easier for her. I'm trying like hell to do the same thing. It's still a fresh, open wound though, so I have to believe that it will get better with time.
Author Strength Posted March 6, 2014 Author Posted March 6, 2014 i saw a few of my posts the first time i was here and i was surprised at how i was able to know what i needed to do and was working towards it then. i seemed to be in a better place then than what i am now, yet its definitely the same starting feelings. i know after a couple weeks that time i started no-contact and it DID eventually help me. and a few months later she chased me up and we got back together for another 2 years, however we never properly resolved our issues and i was much the same. would i be the same again now if we were able to fix things? its hard to know from this current state that i am in. but i know in my heart that i would totally honest about everything i feel. FINALLY, i would be able to speak my heart without fear of failure because if you dont, it leads to failure anyway, just in a long slow drawn out process that saps you of your soul and confidence. those feelings you are feeling are so brutal... they hurt so bad. it WILL get better, but only if you are able to do one of 2 things: 1) sort it out, sort out your pain between you both and really try to start from a position of true honestly and support. 2) completely break contact, remove her from your life. if you want her back, both options can lead to that. if shes not willing to do the first, you MUST do the second. if shes willing to do the first, then dont hold anything back, be true to who you are and what you feel. thats why i need to put the question i spoke about to her. being in limbo, and ive been here before, its a hell that no one deserves. you must decide your fate, or have her decide it for you by posing the question i posed in my OP. i tihnk anyway...
Recommended Posts