LostInThought_1 Posted March 5, 2014 Posted March 5, 2014 (edited) Hi all, I have been seeing this guy for about two months now. I really like him, and he tells me he really likes me. We see each other every weekend, and talk (via text) everyday. We have been having sex and are in our mid-twenties. We recently had a relationship discussion. I asked him if he saw us going somewhere, and he said he definitely does. He says he really likes me and really enjoys hanging out with me, but if I am looking for something serious right now he is not ready for that yet (he wants to be exclusive but does not want the pressure of a 'title'), but he can definitely see something happening in the future. He said it's hard to commit when there are many uncertainties such as our careers, but he is definitely very happy being exclusive with me. He also came out of a bad relationship about nine months ago where his ex gf cheated on him and "made him distrust all women", but he claims to be 100% over her. The question I have is...is this a warning sign that he is just not that into me? Should I leave now before it gets any further? I really like him and would like to give this a shot, but don't want to head down a path that leads to nowhere. I told him I would like to discuss this further because I don't fully understand the difference between exclusivity and bf/gf, and I also want to make sure that I am not going to be just a "until something better comes along" option...we are supposed to be having this chat in the next day or two. Thanks for any help on this!! Edited March 5, 2014 by LostInThought_1
Gaeta Posted March 5, 2014 Posted March 5, 2014 How long was his last relationship? Also, ask him what he thinks he would have to do differently if you were bf-gf compared to now just being exclusive? I don't see any differences EXCEPT introducing you as his gf. So I assume that is his problem, he doesn't want to be given a title because he wants to be known as still being *single*. Now...why do you think a man would still want to be known as single? 1
babycakees Posted March 5, 2014 Posted March 5, 2014 Wow. This sounds exactly like something I just went through with a guy I was dating for 3 months. He said the exact same things. He wanted us exclusive, but I wasn't his girlfriend. Which he made loud and clear many times. He told me he liked me a lot, was afraid to lose me and couldn't wait to do outdoor stuff together this spring and summer. Well, I haven't heard from him now in over and week. He pulled a fade away on me and just quit communicating. I have a feeling this is headed in a similar direction. There's only a few reasons guys want to stay single... Commitment issues or wants to keep his options open.
clia Posted March 5, 2014 Posted March 5, 2014 The difference between exclusivity and boyfriend/girlfriend is that he doesn't have to treat what you have like an actual relationship. He can agree not to date other women (which is likely no biggie for him right now), but he doesn't have to actually call you his girlfriend or commit to any sort of future with you. In his mind, it keeps things casual. I personally think this is absurd. This allows him to keep one foot out the door in case something better comes along. Here you are, two months in to your relationship, seeing each other every weekend, talking every day, having sex...but he can't call you his girlfriend? Absurd. In my opinion, he should be dying for you to be his girlfriend by now. Instead, he's waffling. This could well be an indication that he is just not that into you. And you are stuck. You can't date any other guys who might be absolutely crazy about you and begging you to be their girlfriend after two months. He said it's hard to commit when there are many uncertainties such as our careers, This is such a lame excuse. Agreeing to be boyfriend/girlfriend doesn't mean he has to marry you, for God's sakes. Only you can judge the level of his sincerity here and if he truly does just need a little more time to get to that point. However, I wouldn't waste more than another month on this guy if I were you. In my experience, the "I'm not ready for something serious" guys are more than ready when the right girl comes along. 8
ExpatInItaly Posted March 5, 2014 Posted March 5, 2014 The difference between exclusivity and boyfriend/girlfriend is that he doesn't have to treat what you have like an actual relationship. He can agree not to date other women (which is likely no biggie for him right now), but he doesn't have to actually call you his girlfriend or commit to any sort of future with you. In his mind, it keeps things casual. I personally think this is absurd. This allows him to keep one foot out the door in case something better comes along. Here you are, two months in to your relationship, seeing each other every weekend, talking every day, having sex...but he can't call you his girlfriend? Absurd. In my opinion, he should be dying for you to be his girlfriend by now. Instead, he's waffling. This could well be an indication that he is just not that into you. And you are stuck. You can't date any other guys who might be absolutely crazy about you and begging you to be their girlfriend after two months. This is such a lame excuse. Agreeing to be boyfriend/girlfriend doesn't mean he has to marry you, for God's sakes. Only you can judge the level of his sincerity here and if he truly does just need a little more time to get to that point. However, I wouldn't waste more than another month on this guy if I were you. In my experience, the "I'm not ready for something serious" guys are more than ready when the right girl comes along. My thoughts exactly. Exclusive but not committed? I would be very leery about proceeding. If you're hoping for a relationship, I wouldn't invest a heck of lot more time in him.
mr_dave Posted March 5, 2014 Posted March 5, 2014 I'm a guy, and what he's saying sounds like a load of rubbish. It's a cop out, he still wants to be single, yet have you dangling in there being faithful to him whilst he's free to look around for someone better. ....Probably. 2
Conners Posted March 5, 2014 Posted March 5, 2014 blahhh.. I'd be offended by this. Walk away - if he likes you enough, he would make you his girlfriend and get you back. What a load of rubbish, him talking about work etc getting in the way of being official.. it's not a marriage proposal. If it doesn't work out you can always break up and move on. Geeez guys are STUPID 1
ExposedBrick Posted March 6, 2014 Posted March 6, 2014 From a man's point of view, he may just be unsure of you to a certain extent. It sounds like you have had plenty of time to get to know each other to determine an exclusivity or bf/gf, which are the same in my mind. He might have a hard time committing to anything if he had a tough breakup, especially if it was a lengthy relationship. He might just want someone to hangout with but doesn't want all formalities of the relationship, e.g. birthday gifts, etc. You should push him lightly to be upfront. Honestly, it sounds like he probably just wants a friends with benefits situation, but only you can determine this.
Quiet Storm Posted March 6, 2014 Posted March 6, 2014 He wants the benefits of a relationship (companionship, sex), but doesn't want the responsibilty. He doesn't have to share you with other guys. He can avoid feeling responsible for your feelings. If you happen to fall in love with him (which is quite possible due to the release of oxytocin during sex, a bonding hormone), he won't feel as guilty if he breaks your heart. He can always say "We weren't in a relationship. I told you I didn't want anything serious." I think he's not that into you. Remember, telling him that you don't want to be a placeholder until someone he likes better comes along WON'T prevent him from doing just that. If you do want to be his girlfriend, continuing to be available to him when he won't commit sends the message that you ARE willing to be a placeholder- no matter what your mouth says. 1
jcrew11 Posted March 6, 2014 Posted March 6, 2014 I agree with what everyone else is saying. Basically, if he does not "call you girlfriend/boyfriend" then he is keeping his options open for something better to come along, and won't feel as bad dumping you since it was a more "casual relationship with friends w/ benefits." Now if you are under 25 and in no rush to marry anyone, then this situation is fine. Of course, if he doesn't want to be "official after 6 months of dating then dump him." But 2-3 months is still early for an engagement or marriage. If you only see each other on weekends, then its not really an "official relationship." I think a relationship is when people move in together or if they see each other at least 3 times a week. Now if you are young, and want to focus on a career or travel, then there really isn't any time for "official relationships." Many people move to a different city after one year for a new job or grad school. Basically: A woman should keep her options open until she finds a guy who wants to commit to her 24/7. Anything else is just a casual relationship. 1
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