You have no kids, she/he does, adjusting to a new lifestyle: the "noise" and activity

March 8, 2014

You can only hope that when the time comes, she's not as liberal about the drinking thing as she's making it sound now. Too many horror stories of parents in trouble for doing so. It will only take one run in with another parent whose kid she allowed to drink to have that all blow up in her face.

I see nothing immoral or dangerous about letting a 17 or 18 year old drink, in the safety of their own homes, with parental guardians present.

When I have kids, I will urge them to hold the parties at our place. Where I can check up on everyone.

It's ridiculous to think 21 is the appropriate age. A few beers or a glass of wine is harmless at Christmas or birthdays.

I was having glasses lf wine from age 14. I never make an idiot of myself, get wasted and abuse alcohol as an adult.

The 21 limit just annoys me. Do you honestly think your children aren't going to touch alcohol until age 21?

March 8, 2014

I see nothing immoral or dangerous about letting a 17 or 18 year old drink, in the safety of their own homes, with parental guardians present.

When I have kids, I will urge them to hold the parties at our place. Where I can check up on everyone.

It's ridiculous to think 21 is the appropriate age. A few beers or a glass of wine is harmless at Christmas or birthdays.

I was having glasses lf wine from age 14. I never make an idiot of myself, get wasted and abuse alcohol as an adult.

The 21 limit just annoys me. Do you honestly think your children aren't going to touch alcohol until age 21?

Of course not.

But I'm not going to be the parent who supplies it to other people's kids. Let them get it on the streets like I did.

The penalties aren't worth the risk.

March 8, 2014

Dinner went well. On the drive back to her place she initiated a conversation about how much she loves me, what a great man I am, and knows I love her, yet its not working out. She did most of the talking, and I agreed with everything she had to say. I was not surprised that much to hear her say these things. The conversation actually went very well, we cried a little bit and kissed goodbye. We both agreed we didn't want to end our relationship as enemies, rather as good friends. I am sad, and as I told her I planned to have the same conversation with her tonight. We both know this is for the best. She said she can live with our differences, yet she knows I cannot. She said she knows I've been struggling with how to work through our differences. I agreed with her that we have an amazing relationship, yet there are differences I can't move past. I've never ended a relationship thIs way. Ruby, it reminds me of the conversation you had with your ex.

I think this was absolutely the right thing to do. I just hope you stick with your decision.

March 8, 2014

I think this was absolutely the right thing to do. I just hope you stick with your decision.

I am sad, and feel a little sick, but yes, this time, I/we will stick to it. I've learned a lot from her, from this experience, for you, from LS, and I am grateful for all of it. It's something I had to move thru in my life.

I realized I did not want to walk away enemies, in the heat of a fight. We both said that last night. It was nice to hear her tell me how important our friendship is to her and that we both hope at some point in in the future we can be friends. Part of my sadness comes from knowing how much she wanted this, how hard she worked to make it happen, how much change she made, and how much I hurt her by continuing to bring up differences. Yet at the core, our values and morals are "off" enough to cause me anxiety and concern.

March 8, 2014

I am sad, and feel a little sick, but yes, this time, I/we will stick to it. I've learned a lot from her, from this experience, for you, from LS, and I am grateful for all of it. It's something I had to move thru in my life.

I realized I did not want to walk away enemies, in the heat of a fight. We both said that last night. It was nice to hear her tell me how important our friendship is to her and that we both hope at some point in in the future we can be friends. Part of my sadness comes from knowing how much she wanted this, how hard she worked to make it happen, how much change she made, and how much I hurt her by continuing to bring up differences. Yet at the core, our values and morals are "off" enough to cause me anxiety and concern.

This is exactly what my ex said during our breakup. I just wish he would have broken up with me sooner than he did. It would have saved so much trouble down the line.

March 8, 2014

I hope you stick around LS Babolat and keep posting about new women

March 8, 2014

I hope you stick around LS Babolat and keep posting about new women

Ha, I got the vibe there were to many Babolat "haters" here! ;-)

Thanks for the kind words.

March 8, 2014

Ha, I got the vibe there were to many Babolat "haters" here! ;-)

Thanks for the kind words.

Now, now. You know better! Hang in there, buddy

March 8, 2014

I see nothing immoral or dangerous about letting a 17 or 18 year old drink, in the safety of their own homes, with parental guardians present.

When I have kids, I will urge them to hold the parties at our place. Where I can check up on everyone.

I can't say I disagree with you because I do think it's unrealistic to think they won't drink until 21 and the age should be lower, but I do hope you realize that parents have gone to prison for allowing teens to drink under their supervision. It's happening more and more and the growing trend of parents thinking the whole world is responsible for keeping their kids safe is making many of them very prone to reporting this type thing. It's not safe for you to do that -- for you.

March 8, 2014

Ha, I got the vibe there were to many Babolat "haters" here! ;-)

Thanks for the kind words.

No haters! I think absolutely did the right thing. It just shouldn't be this d@mn difficult to be in a relationship. We all have our issues we have to work through in relationships, but it seemed like you constantly felt the need to rationalize being with her. These are the worst types of breakups. You just sound so much like my ex, but he waited 3 years and living together to do the breaking up. He should have done it much earlier, and, trust me, you have both saved yourself a lot of grief down the line.

I think it's really hard because it seems like there is an awful lot of good in the relationship, but, sometimes, it's just not enough to override the breaking points. I feel very strongly that you did the right thing, and she was also very brave to do the right thing by herself as well. The last thing you want it to be years into a relationship, living together, or married before you finally break up.

March 8, 2014

I am sad, and feel a little sick, but yes, this time, I/we will stick to it. I've learned a lot from her, from this experience, for you, from LS, and I am grateful for all of it. It's something I had to move thru in my life.

I realized I did not want to walk away enemies, in the heat of a fight. We both said that last night. It was nice to hear her tell me how important our friendship is to her and that we both hope at some point in in the future we can be friends. Part of my sadness comes from knowing how much she wanted this, how hard she worked to make it happen, how much change she made, and how much I hurt her by continuing to bring up differences. Yet at the core, our values and morals are "off" enough to cause me anxiety and concern.

The good thing is that you don't have to walk away hating each other. That's a good thing. You did not string her along at all, and she initiated ending it because she realized it wasn't right either. It's terrible to love someone you just can't live with. I'm really sorry it didn't work out, but maybe you can be friends some years down the line.

March 8, 2014

I'm sorry to hear about the breakup - but it sounds like it's for the best.

Believe me, I know very well the pain of loving someone you struggle to live and be with peacefully. It's especially difficult, because you always feel like, "If I could just put up with this better, be more patient and understanding, maybe it could work." And you can do it for a while, but then the foundation starts cracking again and you're all off kilter.

It's likely you will think about her and wonder "what if?" for a while, as I continue to do regarding my ex. He's a tough one to shake.

Take good care of yourself right now, talk to your friends, post about what you're going through here if it helps.

My life was forever changed by the time I spent with my ex, and I have a feeling you can say the same thing. In spite of the pain of losing him, my life has changed for the better, and I'm glad we had the time together that we did.

March 10, 2014

No haters! I think absolutely did the right thing. It just shouldn't be this d@mn difficult to be in a relationship. We all have our issues we have to work through in relationships, but it seemed like you constantly felt the need to rationalize being with her. These are the worst types of breakups. You just sound so much like my ex, but he waited 3 years and living together to do the breaking up. He should have done it much earlier, and, trust me, you have both saved yourself a lot of grief down the line.

I think it's really hard because it seems like there is an awful lot of good in the relationship, but, sometimes, it's just not enough to override the breaking points. I feel very strongly that you did the right thing, and she was also very brave to do the right thing by herself as well. The last thing you want it to be years into a relationship, living together, or married before you finally break up.

Thanks, and everything you say is exactly how I felt. i was looking "down the road" to see if we were a great fit, and in my mind, we were not. I shared this with her, and she disagreed, but understand how I felt.

Short term, fun, good sex (strange that is was no longer great sex), somebody to share thing swith, yeah, it could have worked. But we have a lot of time togehter under our belt and I was looking big picture, not short term. She was too and as she put it "I never would have come back if I di dnot think we had what it took for the long term".

I am sad for her, because she put a lot into this, us, the 2nd time, and really wanted an us. She did make some great changes; especially with the drinking and partying, but at her core she was still her, and I. am still me. I think that is partially what kept me in this, her desire, and fear I was missing something.

What I also realized is she is not settled, and I don't think she ever will be. I think it's who she is, and is was not a calm enviroment for me. Lots and lots of drama, all the time. In 2 years of knowing her she has lived in 5 places, went from no job when we met, to now in her 2nd job and looking for another job. It's alwasy "the next big thing" for her..". I cautioned her many times about her decsion making, and I don't think she gets it. Honestly, having listend to a lot of stroies on smoking pot at a young age on NPR recently, i think she exhibits a lot of this behavior, a lot of the signs of smoking pot during the brains development years, and it's sad.

Also, her and I went to a relationship communication seminar last Saturday, where I heard about Yin and Yang, masculine and feminie essence/energy, for the first time. It was very interesting. Her and I both agreed she is a femine essence/energy female living in the male energy/essence for survival reasons. She is a Single mom, scared, raising her daughter alone, poor finances, etc. She has been living in survival mode since her last relationship ended, because she has to. And honestly, she has been living this way since her early teens, as her parents abandoned her then. She is more of a feminine esseence, yet she can't live in that space at this point in her life. We went thru an exercise to help figure out which side we were mor eon. She had a difficutl time with it as she kept selecting both traits. Se is trying to do both the Yin and the Yang.

Interesting stuff to read about and we were both amazed how much of it applied to her. For me, until she can get more balanced, it's just too much chaos and drama.

March 10, 2014

I'm sorry to hear about the breakup - but it sounds like it's for the best.

Believe me, I know very well the pain of loving someone you struggle to live and be with peacefully. It's especially difficult, because you always feel like, "If I could just put up with this better, be more patient and understanding, maybe it could work." And you can do it for a while, but then the foundation starts cracking again and you're all off kilter.

It's likely you will think about her and wonder "what if?" for a while, as I continue to do regarding my ex. He's a tough one to shake.

Take good care of yourself right now, talk to your friends, post about what you're going through here if it helps.

My life was forever changed by the time I spent with my ex, and I have a feeling you can say the same thing. In spite of the pain of losing him, my life has changed for the better, and I'm glad we had the time together that we did.

Well said, and yes, my life has changed from meeting her; she has said the same of me.

I spent the weekend with 2 close friends, which helped me A LOT. I had dinner with my 46 year old female friend last night. I did not talk about the breakup; but, just being around her I fell peace and calm; she does that for me. If we weren't such amazing friends I'd consider a dating relationship with her, but definitely not now, too soon, I need time to heal up. I'm feeling better today, and surprisingly calm and at peace.

March 10, 2014

For what it's worth, I think she had all those distractions going on to avoid intimacy. In my experience, people keep busy like that because they want to avoid talking and listening. It's probably right that you broke up.

March 10, 2014

For what it's worth, I think she had all those distractions going on to avoid intimacy. In my experience, people keep busy like that because they want to avoid talking and listening. It's probably right that you broke up.

Interesting observation. She was not the best listener, at least I did not feel like she was really listening to me, as she always appeared distracted. It got to the point where I got quiet and did not even want to share, talk, about my life, my day, my week, stories, tc. At dinner Friday she was not distracted, and was asking me a lot of questions about my day, my week, etc; and I really had no desire, to reply/talk. Very sad.

I've been reading up and this Yin & Yang stuff; it's very interesting, and makes sense to me. I see a lof of us in it.

March 10, 2014

I can't comment on the daughter and her friends, I think their behavior is typical, and it's something you'll have to accept.

You do realize your girlfriend would be this way without a daughter? I laid down the law in my home. No facebooking during dinner; it's those few minutes during the day where we actually have time together. And if we're watching a show together, especially something like Idol or the Voice, where we critique, he's either watching it or he's not. There is plenty of time to be texting friends or whatever, outside of OUR time. I told him I felt like these other people, who he would not bother with anyway if not for the way technology makes it so easy, are invading our living room.

You're not living together, so it's within your rights to expect some peaceful time together.

Frankly, your girlfriend and I wouldn't get along. At all.

I agree.

I don't think this is about having kids so much as it's also your gf's personality to be the type who is constantly on social media, constantly texting, FBing, typing away, who needs lots and lots of external stimuli etc. It doesn't seem like this post is about the "kids" so much as it's about your gf, 3/4 of the post was spent describing her and what she's doing and not the daughter so much.

We're all entitled to our preferences and not every woman or man with kids is the type who wants their home to be the hang out spot, growing up my parents certainly didn't have that at our house. And as MidWest pointed out, some people lay down particular rules at their home about family time and social media etc. I'm not yet a parent but I know my house won't be a free for all and I would have some rules about family time and also quiet time. I like to entertain and as a single woman I'm always having dinner parties, brunches etc and can imagine it will continue into the future and I want my kids' friends to be welcome, but no one is drinking or doing drugs at my house over. I also like my quiet time as well and constant noise cannot work for me. I would need weekends and times when there aren't people running through my house. So it all boils down to, as it does in dating, whether or not you and your partner share complementary or similar ideas about particular things and if where you don't are those areas potential deal breakers or things that overtime will be unbearable?

I've dated men with kids, but they were young, under the age of 8 and I didn't have these particular issues, but I know I would have an issue with a man who was constantly hooked to social media, texting etc while we're together and who was always distracted and can't just have us time without him being glued to his phone or the computer. One of my top love languages is quality time and I can't feel secure in a relationship if I don't often feel like my guy sets aside time for just me and him. I would quickly grow dissatisfied and frustrated with what you're describing personally.

Anyway, Babolat, from your post the impression I get is that there may be some lifestyle incompatibilities between you and your gf, that are a little bit more nuanced than just "noise and kids", she herself seems to relish social media distractions and seems to not relate in the same style as you when it comes on to quality time and what that means. I only read the first two posts before commenting, so maybe you responded previously, but why did you break up the first time? What's different/better now?

Edited March 10, 2014 by MissBee

March 10, 2014

The way you describe it sounds like a deal breaker for a LTR. You should be able to feel calm around her. As a PP said, that's fundamental.

Thank you for posting this. My sweetie has no children and I have two. We've chosen not to live together until we can build an addition onto his house. He works from home and we've talked about an elevated space so he can work in peace. Initially I was very sensitive to any possible feelings he may have regarding the noise. My kids are still little and can be very loud! I'm not apologetic nor do I try to temper the volume or who I am (I'm also very loud) or who they are, but this is my home and the noise level (and its not always loud. I need quiet time for my studies) is normal for us. I can't speak for him but I did check in more frequently at first and he seems to handle the noise and kid activity well.

March 10, 2014

It sounds like you did the right thing to end the relationship. There are too many compatibility issues. If you are an introvert and she is an extrovert who always needs extensive outside stimulation, you are not a match. She will feel unsettled when in the quiet time you crave, and you will feel overwhelmed with the constant noise and activity.

You both also had very different ideas about parenting which have and would have continued to create disagreements. You sound like you would have made a responsible parent. She is very liberal and irresponsible. There would have been continual disagreements on this, and she would have pulled the "my kid, my way" card to trump you if you ever object to her very liberal parenting.

As far as kids drinking and doing drugs in a parent's house, that is a huge lawsuit waiting to happen, or worse, and if you ever find yourself having to take a stand on this, stick to your guns about no underage drinking or drugs in your home. When my oldest son was a child and teenager, we hosted many parties for his friends at our house. Usually once a week. We never allowed drugs or drinking at those parties, and all the kids seemed to enjoy it without. Of course, those were good kids who were not into drinking and drugs. One of the parents in our neighborhood did allow underage drinking and drugs for her underage daughter and her friends at her house, with the same mindset that your girlfriend has, that it's better to have them doing it under your own roof. Not surprisingly, the girl's best friend ended up overdosing and died. Not at my neighbor's house, but at one of the other liberal parent's houses. What a shame that these parents gave their underage children the message that it was O.K. to drink and do drugs, and condoned it in their own house. Maybe this girl would have been alive today if those parents had taken a stronger stance against drinking and drugs.

March 10, 2014

I didn't say it earlier, Bab, but I'm sorry it didn't work out. I think each time you came back with yet another issue, or a repeat of a prior, it got closer to being final.

Interesting you say that the sex was good, but not great as it had been. Do you think the underlying problems finally took their toll in that area?

March 10, 2014

Interesting you say that the sex was good, but not great as it had been. Do you think the underlying problems finally took their toll in that area?

Yes, the emotional connection was not the same. I was not persuing her sexaully, at all. And, strangley. physically, she was not as beautiful as she use to be, to me. And the sex was, OK at the end of the 2nd attempt to date.

I think all of the issues, yes my issues, with her, were causing me to pull away emotionally. Sex, for me, is about emotion and physical. I need the intimacy and emotiuonal connection to have sex, and that I get, from sex.

Friday night, at the restaurant, she got up to go to the bathroom twice. Each time, and I kid you not, every man in the place watched her walk to the restroom. She is THAT attractive. Yet, for me, the attraction was fading. I thought to myself "I should feel lucky to be with this woman", yet, I did not. No "WOW when I kissed her anymore. No goose bumps when I touched her, or she touched me. That was yet another sign, for me.

Edited March 10, 2014 by Babolat

March 10, 2014

I don't think this is about having kids so much as it's also your gf's personality to be the type who is constantly on social media, constantly texting, FBing, typing away, who needs lots and lots of external stimuli etc. It doesn't seem like this post is about the "kids" so much as it's about your gf, 3/4 of the post was spent describing her and what she's doing and not the daughter so much.

Agreed

Anyway, Babolat, from your post the impression I get is that there may be some lifestyle incompatibilities between you and your gf, that are a little bit more nuanced than just "noise and kids", she herself seems to relish social media distractions and seems to not relate in the same style as you when it comes on to quality time and what that means. I only read the first two posts before commenting, so maybe you responded previously, but why did you break up the first time? What's different/better now?

Agreed, again.

She was a restless type, she could not sit still and just enjoy being quiet. The strange thing is that she told me she was shy, quiet, reserved, yet on the outside she was not. And, I saw this, and, I was attracted to her shy, quiet, reserved side, when I saw it. And, I was attracted to her extrovert side, just not sooo much extrovert. And she did have her moments when the phone was not with her all the time, and she was better than when we dated before with the phone. I just felt on edge all the time, like I could not relax.

I kind of dated a girl this fall, I refer to her as my FWB on LS, who did not have a TV and in 10+ dates I think I could count 3 times when I even saw her phone. It was so, peaceful and calm, being around her. She was the extreme other end though, and I found her a little boring. I had to do all the talking, ask all the questions, and their was too much quiet.

March 10, 2014

You needed closure with this one and got it. I think you will meet someone better because YOU have changed. You have to attract someone different because you are different. Good luck!

March 11, 2014

You needed closure with this one and got it. I think you will meet someone better because YOU have changed. You have to attract someone different because you are different. Good luck!

Agreed, thanks.

I actually feel much calmer, and at peace already.

March 24, 2014

Update for those who follow

We have had no contact since a text she sent me the day after we ended; I did not reply. I mailed all of her stuff back to her this week (just a robe and some socks really).

I did decide to unfriend my ex gf on Facebook. I looked at her page Sunday morning, and there were photos/pics of her at bars with male/female friends, and even a post about getting hit on/picked up by a 24 year old and how flattered she was, at 44 (it was her birthday so I kind of get the post, but really, telling the world this?).

That was enough for me to realize I have no desire to even be friends with her; more of the same. When we are not together she is back at the bars; back at posting pics of herself with friends at baras. She even posted a pic of flowers one of her male friends sent her for her birthday and said "best flowers ever". This is the same male friend she told me is no longer her friend as he was talking sexaully about her behind her back a few months ago. It's the same male friend she would stay in hotels with when we were dating last year, when he came into town to party for the weekend. Some thing, don't change. It's the same male friend who flew her to Chicago 3 times while we dated last year, paid for all of her expenses.

She has many redeeming qualites, I am thankful to have met her, learned from her, grown as a man/person. I can't "handle" her and I am sure there is a man out there, who can. I need and deserve more.

I had a lunch date on Sunday that went very well. I'm in no rush to date someone seriously. It was nice to get back out there though. Emotionally I feel pretty much healed already after "round 2" with the ex as I was never fully comitted to her and knew it was not going to work.

Thanks to those who gave me a lot of support and feedback!

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