You have no kids, she/he does, adjusting to a new lifestyle: the "noise" and activity

March 6, 2014

I saw a girl for 1-2 months back in the fall who was an introvert like me. We even tested the same with the online tests. I liked her, a lot, though she was too introverted; to the point where she was not comfortable being social around my friends, and even said so. She was almost too quiet. We were very sexaully compatabile, but, going out sometimes, unless she had a couple of drinks, there was not a lot of conversation; mostly me talking and her looking at me.

Right. But there are not just 2 women in the world -- your current gf and the woman described above.

The parenting style does not feel like a deal breaker because her daughter is 14, meaning she will not be "around" in the future, should we live together. If she was younger for some reason I feel like it would be more of an issue, because of the time. Plus, I am not her father. And when I have asked what her expectation of me is with her daughter, she says to be a good role model and be her friend.

Hmmmm. As a parent of three children, one of whom is your gf's daughter's age and two of whom are out of the house (one in college and one in medical school), all I can say is that the child(ren) will always be around in one way or another. If you're lucky, the daughter will leave for college, have a productive 4 years and then land a job and become independent. But you don't have to look far to find stories that do not end this way -- grown children who, for whatever reason, are not self-supporting and rely on parents to provide money, housing, bail, or all three (I'm not kidding about the bail, either!). This is further complicated if there are grandchildren in the mix. The issues can be far more complicated than they are now -- where is the line between support and enabling, what are the guidelines for adult children living at home, how will a change in your gf's finances affect you, how do you resolve conflicts when your perceptions of what it means to "help" differ, etc.

When I ask myself "could I raise a child with this woman" I think "No". I counter that with "You are 47, you are not going to raise a child with her, why does it matter". For some unknown reason, it does matter. My boys are still good as I was recently tested and sometimes i do think I want a child.

It matters regardless, imo.

March 6, 2014

OP, having dated single mothers and being around kids a lot, what I learned to do is, psychologically, let the maelstrom swirl around without being sucked into it, presuming I didn't want to participate.

I recall this as a child when my dad would get home from work and sit down to unwind and read the paper and, if I bugged him, he'd simply shake the paper, look over it and say, 'son, I'm reading the paper right now' in a tone which indicated that later would be a better time. The balance would be that, later, he would approach and we'd have father/son time. That taught boundaries. The adults manage the household for the benefit of the children. Such responsibilities are far beyond a child's capability so that's why they have parents.

When dating, or in LTR's with women who had children, I was always amazed at how well the kids generally responded to such boundaries, as long as there was balance.

My advice would be to work on yourself, de-sensitizing yourself to extraneous inputs, along with describing your own boundaries in child-appropriate terms and language. Good luck.

March 6, 2014

I lagree with this. Apart from this bit. My mother would have battered my Father for saying this! Maybe its just generational.......

OP, having dated single mothers and being around kids a lot, what I learned to do is, psychologically, let the maelstrom swirl around without being sucked into it, presuming I didn't want to participate.

I recall this as a child when my dad would get home from work and sit down to unwind and read the paper and, if I bugged him, he'd simply shake the paper, look over it and say, 'son, I'm reading the paper right now' in a tone which indicated that later would be a better time. The balance would be that, later, he would approach and we'd have father/son time. That taught boundaries. The adults manage the household for the benefit of the children. Such responsibilities are far beyond a child's capability so that's why they have parents.

When dating, or in LTR's with women who had children, I was always amazed at how well the kids generally responded to such boundaries, as long as there was balance.

My advice would be to work on yourself, de-sensitizing yourself to extraneous inputs, along with describing your own boundaries in child-appropriate terms and language. Good luck.

March 6, 2014

You may be correct about the generational part but I must share that such methods were a great way to teach an only child that he was in fact not the center of attention in the family. Children have their place. They are important and should be loved, but not elevated above the adults in the scheme of the family. If the OP feels that he must twist and contort his own behaviors to match the moods and proclivities of the child, then he's identified a fundamental boundary issue. IMO, part of the solution is working on self; the other part is communicating one's own boundaries in an appropriate manner.

In general, back to the example, not only did mom bring dad the paper, she supported his parenting style and I, for one, am glad they did what they did. Evidently it worked for them since they survived me and went on to live a long life together. YMMV.

March 6, 2014

I would have loved to have seen my Mum get the paper for Dad!

But you are right. Babelot must not change his own self for the sake of being seen to fit in for a happy life. The healthy boundary could possibly make him more attractive?

You may be correct about the generational part but I must share that such methods were a great way to teach an only child that he was in fact not the center of attention in the family. Children have their place. They are important and should be loved, but not elevated above the adults in the scheme of the family. If the OP feels that he must twist and contort his own behaviors to match the moods and proclivities of the child, then he's identified a fundamental boundary issue. IMO, part of the solution is working on self; the other part is communicating one's own boundaries in an appropriate manner.

In general, back to the example, not only did mom bring dad the paper, she supported his parenting style and I, for one, am glad they did what they did. Evidently it worked for them since they survived me and went on to live a long life together. YMMV.

March 6, 2014

Right. But there are not just 2 women in the world -- your current gf and the woman described above.

Agreed. I just get frustrated "looking again" and "trying again". It's like "here we go again". One of my best friends is a 46 year old single woman whom I have gotten very close to over the past year. We talked about a lot of stuff. I recently said this, how I no longer even enjoy the "honeymoon period" in dating. It's like waiting for "what's around the corner" I don't know about. I just want to get to where all the "stuff is out" and we know each other. She said "Are you kidding, I love the beginning part of a relationship". I use to feel the same, and, I probably still do, I just can't feel it right now.

The woman from this fall wants to date me now, and has propsed it many times over the past 6+ weeks. I just think there is too much history with us (see some of my "FWB" and "Friends" posts about us). After our "just sex" period, offered by her, she said "No, I can't do this anymore, I thought I could, wanted to try it, but I can't.". Just sex and hanging out that is. All the while I always liked her and saw her as partner/dating material. Then about a month later she came back and wanted to go on dates, no sex, be exclusive. I tried, it just felt odd with no sex, like she had control or something..like we were dating "backwards", it's difficult to explain. .

I can say is that the child(ren) will always be around in one way or another.

Agreed, and I thought about that as I was typing out my reply

It matters regardless, imo.

Agreed, again.

March 6, 2014

Actually in the UK Children can legally drink at home with supervision. My neighbours have 2 teenagers and once a month they have party with their friends invited. Supervised by the parents. The occasional vomiting teenager but all good fun. They are well adjusted kids, good school marks etc.. Seems to give them a good grounding. I think i would go this way with my daughter later on. (Maybe). To me drink and drugs are the same, only one is legal.

You makle a good point, and I think when her and I talk tomorrow, she will say something very simialr to this. My first reaction is "No way". But, if I step away from it and view it as you describe, I see some value in this; the good grounding. She has said before she wants to teach her daughter about alcohol/drugs, how to use them, etc. She started drinking/using drugs when she was 13, and she does not want this for her daughter, nor does she want her to "learn on her own" from friends.

A contradiction, she told me she has talked to her daughter many times about drugs and has asked her daughter to not experiment with them until she is 20+, to give her brain time to develop. I think she knows a lot of her issues now are the result of smoking a lot of pot at an early age.

March 6, 2014

Agreed. I just get frustrated "looking again" and "trying again". It's like "here we go again".

I totally feel you on that!

But as long as I've known you on this forum, you've never been truly single, uninvolved, and on your own for more than a few weeks, if that. You've always got at least an FWB or your ex coming back around. Are you afraid to be alone?

I've been single for 5 months since my breakup, with ZERO contact with my ex. I've gone on a couple of dates, but haven't seen promise with anybody yet.

I definitely struggle with cynicism and "never gonna meet the right guy" thoughts. But that's something you just have to get through, until you get to the point where you are excited to meet new people and date again.

I think some time without any dating or sexual relationships of any kind would do you a world of good. Once you've recuperated from all this drama, you know it's not going to be hard to meet new prospects. Dating when you're excited to date is very different and much better than when you're worn out and just going through the motions.

March 6, 2014

Ask her to unplug from the matrix for an hour, put all the devices away in another room, on silent, so you can have some human time versus machine time.

I have never asked, specifically.

She'll invite me over to her house, and warn me she will be on the computer working, so I don't go over. She just wants me there sometimes, physically, with her. She'll tell me to bring my phone, a book, something I can do. I just recently got my first smart phone, so yeah, I can distract myself now, but I don't want to. I don't get this. Shouldn't "We" be together when we have plans to see each other? And, if work is going to get into the way, tell me, cancel? I feel like she is "moving" us to being married, or still holding onto that from her previous relationship. Hopefully that makes sense. Last Friday she got to my house around 8. We hung otu for a bit, then she tells me there is a work email she HAS to reply to, now. So I gave her space, and 2 times I popped in to kiss her, to be loving and affectionate, and one time to take a picture of her (I did not know she saw me taking the pic) as I thought she looked cute. She blew up over this..why can't you leave me alone for 30 minutes, I told you I had to get this email out.

It's kind of starting to happen at my house now, too. And I feel like I am walking on eggs shells when the laptoip is open: is she working, is she playing, or what. I'll ask, still, I don't know.

"Is there room for me in the bed with that laptop?" He got the message, and from then on, when we were ready to get in bed together, the laptop got shut down.

I love this, good for you and good for him for getting your message

One thing I really liked with him is how much we could both enjoy quiet time together. Even if we weren't "doing anything", it felt relaxing and nice. Sometimes we'd sit in the yard, him in his chair smoking a cigar, and me lying in the grass watching the clouds, for 2 hours, just lazily talking and enjoying the afternoon.

I wish I could have this with someone

Edited March 6, 2014 by Babolat

March 6, 2014

I totally feel you on that!

But as long as I've known you on this forum, you've never been truly single, uninvolved, and on your own for more than a few weeks, if that. You've always got at least an FWB or your ex coming back around. Are you afraid to be alone?

I've been single for 5 months since my breakup, with ZERO contact with my ex. I've gone on a couple of dates, but haven't seen promise with anybody yet.

I definitely struggle with cynicism and "never gonna meet the right guy" thoughts. But that's something you just have to get through, until you get to the point where you are excited to meet new people and date again.

I think some time without any dating or sexual relationships of any kind would do you a world of good. Once you've recuperated from all this drama, you know it's not going to be hard to meet new prospects. Dating when you're excited to date is very different and much better than when you're worn out and just going through the motions.

I have definitely thought about being afraid to be alone, a lot. And no, I'm not. In fact, I enjoy it. I actually feel very comfartable spending time alone now. A while back I'm not sure I could say that.

I was there this fall, no dating for 2+ months, nothing, no ex gf contact, then the FWB kicked up, I had fun, that stopped, then the ex gf came back wanting to try again, and for some reason I am trying with her again.

Your last comment makes a lot of sense to me.

March 6, 2014

In an effort to not cause her to feel emotionally hit tomorrow, to not drop a bomb on her, I texted her to asked if we could talk about what's been discussed in this thread, and even used some of the responses in this thread, because I think they are spot on with how I am feeling with her "distractions".

She replied "I'm sorry you are not getting the amount of attention you want. Lets talk tomorrow."

I remember her saying this a couple of months ago now, when I brought this up before, me needing attention. Wow, it's quite the oppositie and this is not about attention.

I don't see this conversation going, well.

March 6, 2014

I dont think you are handling this right.

I would approach it by identifying a spcific behaivior that is bugging you, that she can change. For example, if you want her focused on you when you are together- be explicit about that. If you get overwhelmed with activity, I agree with a poster above- get a man cave.

Not sure why you believe time in man cave = not a relationship. It is healthy to have time apart.

Instead you seem focused on whether there's something wrong with her- or at least with her, for you - without making any effort to find a solution. In this situation, i think there actually are many good solutions, requiring good communication and some compromise.

The parenting thing aside, what exactly are you hoping to accomplish with your conversation?

March 6, 2014

She has told me this before, once she is financilly capable she wants to buy a house and she wants all the neighborhood kids at "her house". She wants all of her daughters friends to come to her house.

I grew up like this, my house was always the place to be, always busy, people coming and going - i loved it and so thats totally want i want for my own family, like as my kids get older, i want our house to be the place they all hang out, definitly.

I think that enviroments quite different from my gf's, she practicaly never took friends home, it was always just her and sometimes her dad at home and I know that she finds it super different the way that my family is...i guess...well we see each other like all the time.

But I guess my girlfreind being an etrovert, she takes to it, she bounces of being around people.

If your an introvert and you need your to recharge away from people then you have a right to fit that into your life and home as much as she wants and needs some...liveliness.

If you can find a compromise is something you need to feel out with her....I think the man cave idea aint bad! At least it definitly doesnt disqualify your realtionship - less so if your living together (i get while your still going to each others houses its a bit much to go all the way to someones house to be ignored) but when your living together i get the being together while doing seperate things can be quite nice.

I'll play football manager while my gf reads and neither of us ill be watching whats on the tele, but its just nice being there together.

__________________________________________________________

Actually in the UK Children can legally drink at home with supervision. My neighbours have 2 teenagers and once a month they have party with their friends invited. Supervised by the parents. The occasional vomiting teenager but all good fun. They are well adjusted kids, good school marks etc.. Seems to give them a good grounding. I think i would go this way with my daughter later on. (Maybe). To me drink and drugs are the same, only one is legal.

Yeah, I used to have a cider with my bro and dad at the my house when i was younger - I fully believe thats better than kids sneaking vodka in the local park!

I had one mate who's dad had a 2 beer rule, as in you went to his place you could have 2 beers, no more. They never had vomitting kids in there place, you give a little trust, you get a little respect.

March 6, 2014

Agreed. I just get frustrated "looking again" and "trying again". It's like "here we go again". One of my best friends is a 46 year old single woman whom I have gotten very close to over the past year. We talked about a lot of stuff. I recently said this, how I no longer even enjoy the "honeymoon period" in dating. It's like waiting for "what's around the corner" I don't know about. I just want to get to where all the "stuff is out" and we know each other. She said "Are you kidding, I love the beginning part of a relationship". I use to feel the same, and, I probably still do, I just can't feel it right now.

I haven't enjoyed the honeymoon phase of dating since the time when I was dating just for the sake of dating. Now, I wish there was some way that I could see that the pearl in my hand is pitted and moldy without having to invest 3, 6, or 9 months first.

That said... you're not in the beginning of your current r/s, are you? I don't know your history, but I seem to recall that the current gf is actually an ex-gf with whom things were untenable and you ended it. What changed? I ask that sincerely, in case my online tone is not clear.

March 6, 2014

In an effort to not cause her to feel emotionally hit tomorrow, to not drop a bomb on her, I texted her to asked if we could talk about what's been discussed in this thread, and even used some of the responses in this thread, because I think they are spot on with how I am feeling with her "distractions".

She replied "I'm sorry you are not getting the amount of attention you want. Lets talk tomorrow."

I remember her saying this a couple of months ago now, when I brought this up before, me needing attention. Wow, it's quite the oppositie and this is not about attention.

I don't see this conversation going, well.

Oh no. I can actually hear her tone as I read it. Not going to go well at all. There may have been a better way to bring it up. Ooooops.

March 7, 2014

I would approach it by identifying a spcific behaivior that is bugging you, that she can change. For example, if you want her focused on you when you are together- be explicit about that. If you get overwhelmed with activity, I agree with a poster above- get a man cave.

I have, two times now, and she either feels emotionally hit or states I need attention. She'll also say sometimes she just wants me there, with her, even if she is otherwise distracted (work, facebook, etc).

Not sure why you believe time in man cave = not a relationship. It is healthy to have time apart.

We do not live together; if we did, I agree with this. I had my own places in the house I could go to when I was married. And I loved my time apart when I was married, doing my own thing. Now, I live in a very small house and she lives in a very small apartment. We live about 25 minutes from each other. With her daughter we do not get much alone time, maybe 1 night a week. In fact we only see each other 1-2 nights a week. For me, that should be "our" time, not other distractions time, not talking to 500 friends on Facebook time, not texting, working emails, playing games on the phone time.

Instead you seem focused on whether there's something wrong with her- or at least with her, for you - without making any effort to find a solution. In this situation, i think there actually are many good solutions, requiring good communication and some compromise.

I hear you. I am the one who does the talking, who tries to find solutions & compromises. I make a lot of effort to, change. And you are right, I am focused on what's wrong with her, for me.

what exactly are you hoping to accomplish with your conversation?

Excellent question. Honestly, I think I am looking for an out. There are just too many things with us that don't work for me, as much as I love her and as much good as there is. Or, maybe I am anxious about a relationship, in general.

March 7, 2014

I haven't enjoyed the honeymoon phase of dating since the time when I was dating just for the sake of dating. Now, I wish there was some way that I could see that the pearl in my hand is pitted and moldy without having to invest 3, 6, or 9 months first.

Exactly how I feel these days.

That said... you're not in the beginning of your current r/s, are you? I don't know your history, but I seem to recall that the current gf is actually an ex-gf with whom things were untenable and you ended it. What changed? I ask that sincerely, in case my online tone is not clear.

We dated march 2012 to March 2013. I left then. She kept keeping in contact with me to tell me about her changes. She kept stating she knew she had to make changes, but only for her, which I admired. During this time I had desire to get back with her. We did see each other, mostly or sex, during this time. Late August 2013 I told her I needed no contact. She reluctantly agreed, and stuck to it for the most part. I started to finish my healing then, even went on some dates and allowed myself to have sex with another woman (my "FWB" posts on here).

Mid November she texted me, wanting to meet for dinner to talk. I said No many times, she continued, and I agreed to meet her. She delivered a "I want to try again" message then, "here is how I have changed, here is where I can compromise". It all sounded good, on paper, and she has changed.

Yet, I still feel anxious around her, not calm, not at ease. I explain it as always feeling like "what's around the corner that I can't see".

I think I am trying to make it work as there is a lot of good about her, about us. Yet, something is off, not right.

March 7, 2014

Oh no. I can actually hear her tone as I read it. Not going to go well at all. There may have been a better way to bring it up. Ooooops.

I sent a brief reply stating she misunderstood me, it's not about attention. She replied stating she disagrees. Nice that I said "When you <do this>, it makes me feel <this>", which is communication 101, and she says she disagrees.

Ironically we went to a relationship communication seminar Saturday, she knew the instructor, and in the seminar we talked about how to better communicate your needs. I tried it, and she disagreed, with my need and how I feel.

March 7, 2014

During this time I had desire to get back with her.

Typo, I had no desire

March 7, 2014

In fact we only see each other 1-2 nights a week. For me, that should be "our" time, not other distractions time, not talking to 500 friends on Facebook time, not texting, working emails, playing games on the phone time.

Totally. This is not quality time.

Here's a definition I just found: Quality Time - time spent in giving another person one's undivided attention in order to strengthen a relationship

This is one area that has always been solid in my relationships. The men in my life and I have agreed that in most cases, phones and laptops are intrusions on enjoyable quality time together, and had very low tolerance for interacting with them instead of each other. If we did interact with them during quality time, we did it together, and only when we were both in the mood for it - like watching a few little cartoon videos in bed on weekend mornings, that kind of thing.

March 7, 2014

I like busy too Shepp. Feels great.

I grew up like this, my house was always the place to be, always busy, people coming and going - i loved it and so thats totally want i want for my own family, like as my kids get older, i want our house to be the place they all hang out, definitly.

I think that enviroments quite different from my gf's, she practicaly never took friends home, it was always just her and sometimes her dad at home and I know that she finds it super different the way that my family is...i guess...well we see each other like all the time.
But I guess my girlfreind being an etrovert, she takes to it, she bounces of being around people.

If your an introvert and you need your to recharge away from people then you have a right to fit that into your life and home as much as she wants and needs some...liveliness.
If you can find a compromise is something you need to feel out with her....I think the man cave idea aint bad! At least it definitly doesnt disqualify your realtionship - less so if your living together (i get while your still going to each others houses its a bit much to go all the way to someones house to be ignored) but when your living together i get the being together while doing seperate things can be quite nice.
I'll play football manager while my gf reads and neither of us ill be watching whats on the tele, but its just nice being there together.

__________________________________________________________

Yeah, I used to have a cider with my bro and dad at the my house when i was younger - I fully believe thats better than kids sneaking vodka in the local park!
I had one mate who's dad had a 2 beer rule, as in you went to his place you could have 2 beers, no more. They never had vomitting kids in there place, you give a little trust, you get a little respect.

March 7, 2014

In an effort to not cause her to feel emotionally hit tomorrow, to not drop a bomb on her, I texted her to asked if we could talk about what's been discussed in this thread, and even used some of the responses in this thread, because I think they are spot on with how I am feeling with her "distractions".

She replied "I'm sorry you are not getting the amount of attention you want. Lets talk tomorrow."

I remember her saying this a couple of months ago now, when I brought this up before, me needing attention. Wow, it's quite the oppositie and this is not about attention.

I don't see this conversation going, well.

Good luck tonight. I hope it goes better than you expect.

March 7, 2014

Good luck tonight. I hope it goes better than you expect.

Well, I'm actually not even into seeing her tonight. I don't feel like having yet another discussion about what's wrong with us. It's getting, old and emotionally, draining. She will tell me again, I need attention and she's sorry she can't give it to me 24/7 when we have our 3-4 hours of time to see each other. That sometimes she just wants me around.

I can't cancel on her as she has made dinner plans for us and she will feel emotionally hit if I do cancel. She is flat broke, no money at all, can barely pay her bills. So I have no idea what she planned for tonight; she told me to where nice clotches (which I do anyway being a metro kind of guy ;-0 ) and I feel guilty letting her even pay, especially with us talking tonight now.

We usually text a little at night. I have sent any texts the past 3 nights. Thats a message, to me, my heart is not in this, even though I want it to be.

Honestly, this woman cannot sit still, only in bed, and even then she shifts, talks in her sleep, dreams, moves a lot, etc. That was a funny.

March 7, 2014

We usually text a little at night. I have sent any texts the past 3 nights.

More typos, I have not sent any texts....

No texts today for that matter.

March 8, 2014

Dinner went well. On the drive back to her place she initiated a conversation about how much she loves me, what a great man I am, and knows I love her, yet its not working out. She did most of the talking, and I agreed with everything she had to say. I was not surprised that much to hear her say these things. The conversation actually went very well, we cried a little bit and kissed goodbye. We both agreed we didn't want to end our relationship as enemies, rather as good friends. I am sad, and as I told her I planned to have the same conversation with her tonight. We both know this is for the best. She said she can live with our differences, yet she knows I cannot. She said she knows I've been struggling with how to work through our differences. I agreed with her that we have an amazing relationship, yet there are differences I can't move past. I've never ended a relationship thIs way. Ruby, it reminds me of the conversation you had with your ex.

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