Online Dating-How Long Do I Wait?

[LoveOfRoses]

I was in a long term relationship for four years. I am rusty when it comes to dating, and after 11 months I finally found someone who I am really into. I am not 100% sure of where we should be, how much longer I should wait around, or if I'm not seeing things for what they are. So I would really like some advice here on certain things that have brought up some concern for me. Am I being insecure, over analyzing, or expecting too much too soon?

 

This guy... he is sweet, smart, caring, chivalrous, and we really get a long well. We have been seeing each other about once a week for a little over two months now. There has been some gaps because there was a death he had to leave a week for, and he had other travel obligations such as weddings and family.

 

I have been patient, and have really been playing it cool on this one because I really don't want to mess this up and come across as needy, or apply too much pressure.

 

However, I know that we are currently not on the same page, and this relationship is not progressing at the rate I wish it would. I am letting this happen organically even though sometimes it is really hard to sit back and I feel like I am moving at the pace of a turtle.

 

Some of my concerns are:

 

I let him do most of the initiating. He calls me just to chat sometimes, and to set up plans almost weekly. Whenever I do initiate communication via text I feel somewhat blown off most of the time. He will respond quickly or in a decent time frame, but we will only have one or two exchanges, and then I am kind of left hanging. I feel like we only have a real conversation when he initiates, but we do not talk daily. We will go in spurts of a couple days in a row, every other day, or sometimes even four days between. We don't comminicate when he is away, but he will challenge me to a game on this mobile app sometimes.

 

My concern here is that our comminication should be progressing and become more frequent, and I don't like feeling blown off. Over analysis, or red flag?

 

Next...

 

When we see each other we always have a great time, we go out,he stares into my eyes, he's close, he's affectionate, he always makes excuses to stick around and stays up way later than he should. We have messed around , but we have not slept together. He would have if I let him, but he is respectful and doesn't apply too much pressure.

 

But the red flags?

 

We only see each other on weekdays with the exception of one Friday weeks ago. He was away for three weekends, but he has not made weekend plans with me when he is here. Given these are not booty calls, but I feel like I should be in some sort of weekend territory by now?

 

I also tried to progress things on our very last date by being playful. I had a complicated shirt on,it took him a while to figure out how to undo it and I let him take half off, and I said he needed to earn the other half. He asked me how, I said it wouldn't be fun if I told him. He gave up and stopped trying. I also suggested chocolate body paint, he was for it, I got it ready then he thought about needing a shower after, I responded not if we do a good job licking it off. He abandoned the idea and fell asleep in my arms? I didn't get this at all. I'm an attractive girl, I get attention from guys when I go out, I never had a guy fall asleep on me, especially with the prospective of chocolate body paint. When he woke up, he still stayed around and we just chatted for a while (like i said I feel like when we are together he doesn't want to leave).

 

So of course this is a concern of mine. I also feel like at the 2 month plus mark we should be seeing each other more frequently, and he shouldn't fall asleep amidst messing around?

 

Lastly.....

 

The dreaded online profile. I have always taken the stance that if he is dating so will I. I am not going to invest all of my eggs in the proverbial basket if he is not doing the same.

 

Addmitidley I do look at his profile form time to time, because I like him and am trying to get a feel for where he stands. When we first met he had not logged on for weeks, I still went on from time to time and never stopped because we were just dating. I don't know if he stopped because of me, or another reason. Now he goes on more frequently, but not obsessively, and there will be gaps. But the biggest problem here is that he just updated his photos a couple days ago. This of course made me feel terribly. I know that he is actively looking (I still am too) and this feels like a huge step backwards.

 

We have not talked about profiles, or about being exclusive. I know a lot of you will probably tell me that I need to have the "talk", but I am not going to do this right now. The time is simply not right, and I would ideally like for him to be the one to innate the talk with me if we ever got to that point.

 

So there you have it. If you read to the very end of this post, I appreciate it. In my mind I have given this until the end of this month to show that there is some sort meaningful progress. I feel like we enjoy each other when we are around, he wants to see me, he wants to call to chat sometimes, and he says the right things. But when it comes to action communication and dates just don't feel frequent enough at this point.

 

Am I stuck in casual dating hell, is he just not that interested, am I wasting my time, or am I giving myself more stress than needed?

Edited March 5, 2014 by LoveOfRoses

[d0nnivain]

Based on what you describe I too would be concerned about the progress or lack thereof of your relationship.

 

Have you ever initiated communication by calling rather than texting?

 

If you truly want to find out where he is in this, I'd call & ask him on a Saturday night date in the next few weeks. His response should give you a great deal of insight.

[babycakees]

No. I don't think you are overreacting. Something is not right here. I would definitely not initiate the talk. I agree with you that communication should be progressing and it looks like this relationship isn't. Just kind of staying stagnant. It bothers me that it seems like things always have to be on his terms - including the communication. Also bothers me that you never hang out during the weekends. I think this guy is a multi dater.

[Gaeta]

I have been patient, and have really been playing it cool on this one because I really don't want to mess this up and come across as needy, or apply too much pressure.

Believe it or not, sometimes playing it cool is a way of shooting ourselves in the foot. With online dating you have to know exactly what you are looking for and discard anyone that doesn't look in the same direction as you. I have lost a lot of time with playing it cool with online prospects. Playing it cool in women's language is usually we will endure a behavior we do not approve of just to see where it goes, and it always end up going nowhere.

 

However, I know that we are currently not on the same page, and this relationship is not progressing at the rate I wish it would. I am letting this happen organically even though sometimes it is really hard to sit back and I feel like I am moving at the pace of a turtle.

There you go, that's the behavior you are accepting and should not. After 2 months it's time you inquire if you are both heading in the same direction with this relationship. If you are in the business of finding yourself a man then don't waste your time with a man looking to hang out.

 

 

 

I let him do most of the initiating. He calls me just to chat sometimes, and to set up plans almost weekly. Whenever I do initiate communication via text I feel somewhat blown off most of the time. He will respond quickly or in a decent time frame, but we will only have one or two exchanges, and then I am kind of left hanging. I feel like we only have a real conversation when he initiates, but we do not talk daily. We will go in spurts of a couple days in a row, every other day, or sometimes even four days between. We don't comminicate when he is away, but he will challenge me to a game on this mobile app sometimes.

You are not a priority for this man, 3-4 days without communication after 2 months means you are fun when it's convenient to him, but you are not fun fun enough for him to go out of his way to keep in touch with you. Men usually fall fast, they know within a month if the woman in front of them is a keeper or not. This kind of attitude after 2 months indicates you are not it for him. If it's not there for him after 2 months he will never be there. Men don't grow in love, they fall in love.

 

We only see each other on weekdays with the exception of one Friday weeks ago. He was away for three weekends, but he has not made weekend plans with me when he is here. Given these are not booty calls, but I feel like I should be in some sort of weekend territory by now?

You are not priority weekend material for him.

 

I also tried to progress things on our very last date by being playful. I had a complicated shirt on,it took him a while to figure out how to undo it and I let him take half off, and I said he needed to earn the other half. He asked me how, I said it wouldn't be fun if I told him. He gave up and stopped trying. I also suggested chocolate body paint, he was for it, I got it ready then he thought about needing a shower after, I responded not if we do a good job licking it off. He abandoned the idea and fell asleep in my arms? I didn't get this at all. I'm an attractive girl, I get attention from guys when I go out, I never had a guy fall asleep on me, especially with the prospective of chocolate body paint. When he woke up, he still stayed around and we just chatted for a while (like i said I feel like when we are together he doesn't want to leave).

This made me smile. No man wants to go into fun play if it doesn't lead to sex. Who the heck wants to lick chocolate off a body if there is no mind blowing sex at the end? So you decide, you want sex with him or not. If you don't want sex then keep your clothes on till you are ready and don't play with his libido, it's cruel.

 

 

But the biggest problem here is that he just updated his photos a couple days ago. This of course made me feel terribly. I know that he is actively looking (I still am too) and this feels like a huge step backwards.

Having a profile up after 2 months, changing his picture after 2 months confirm what I was saying up there, you are not gf material to him, you are hanging together when it's convenient to him material.

 

We have not talked about profiles, or about being exclusive. I know a lot of you will probably tell me that I need to have the "talk", but I am not going to do this right now. The time is simply not right, and I would ideally like for him to be the one to innate the talk with me if we ever got to that point.

And that is how you will shoot yourself in the foot over and over. In a couple of months when he tells you he won't see you again then you'll cry oh why oh why. When a man will be into you he will be in your face with it, you won't have to guess. This joe blow will never have the talk with you.

 

 

Am I stuck in casual dating hell, is he just not that interested, am I wasting my time, or am I giving myself more stress than needed?

You are wasting your time.

[LoveOfRoses]

At Gaeta I appreciate your honesty but I don't feel I totally agree with some of the things that you mentioned.

 

As for body paint, men love sex but I think just having an orgasm if enjoyable for them too.

 

Also not everything is on his terms. When we make dates he always asks my schedule first.

 

We have been out a total of five times. I get that I am not a priority at the moment, but can we all know the one after being out just five times? Four weekends of which he was away. I have talked to guys who liked girls but were unsure of commitment and kept there distance for more than a month. I think saying all guys fall after a month is pretty limited. I have even fallen for people after a month.

Edited March 5, 2014 by LoveOfRoses

[Gaeta]

There is a thread on here about if men and women love the same way. It would be informative for you to read it. Men are visual beings, they pretty much know right away if you're it or not. You cannot compare how a man process attraction to how women do. We process attraction and love on a completely different level. We grow in love with time.

 

You said yourself you are rusted and need advice. All you are describing I have been through it, I was married 15 years and been single for 8, so dating is nothing new to me. I met them all, the serious ones, the flakes, the weaks, the players, the emotionally defendant, the rebound, the commitment-phone, name it.

 

After 2 months, 1 date a week, days with no communication, rejection of your chocolate body play.......and you think this man just needs time to grow into you? Nah, he's killing time while something better comes along.

 

Don't make a priority out of someone that makes you an option.

[J21]

As a guy, sometimes playing it too cool will come off as not interested.

 

I would usually initiate, but if I am always the one initiating (texts, calls, plans), I'm probably thinking she is lukewarm about me or she is not very interested.

 

Regardless of how playful her responses may be, or how often we see each other, I would want more active initiating out of her so at least I know she's interested as well.

 

Some food for thought: u said u are laying back and "letting him do most of the initiating"... maybe he is getting mixed signals just as much as you.

 

Also the few gaps in between could be so he doesnt want to "apply too much pressure" or come off as over bearing. You were doing the same, maybe he's matching the pace for your comfort?

 

These may or may not be true, but its certainly worth a thought. I hope this post doesn't come off negative in any way.

 

My best idea Would be just talk to him honestly about it. Tell him your concerns and see how he reacts. Two months in, u should have a good feel about each other..

 

 

of I course wish u the best of luck.

Edited March 5, 2014 by J21

[nadinefleur]

I feel like I have to comment on this post as I went through exactly the same thing you are going through a couple of months ago... I almost want to ask if its the same guy?!

 

I too had been in a long term relationship for a few years and then single for a whole year before finding someone I was really in to.

The only difference with my story and yours is that we ended up sleeping together after a couple of months, I figured since he had stuck around for so long it wasn't just about sex for him and I didn't think he'd run....but after we had sex he became more and more distant.

 

The point is, I have to completely agree with Gaeta, in my past relationships, it was always clear the guy was really into me and it took me longer to fall for the guy... they never made me doubt for a second whether they wanted me or not, and within a month they wanted to make me their girlfriend. With your guy, and my most recent guy, they are clearly not that into us otherwise we wouldn't be left wondering what the hell is going on? We wouldn't be feeling like we have to hold back because they are.

 

You should move on from him before you get hurt, believe me.. I am still getting over this last guy, because as soon as I slept with him I became emotionally attached and man did it hurt when he disappeared on me... He eventually contacted me telling me he didn't want a relationship, and well it could be true or he could have met someone else.

 

Either way, the fact that your guy is on a dating website is because he is not interested in dating only you, he's talking to other girls, and if he was really into you he wouldn't be doing that.

[LoveOfRoses]

Ok i get it, and i'm not going to totally disagree with you Gaeta. I understand the logic in your reasoning, and you made a lot of valid points which is why I feel so concerned. However life is short so I'm going to follow DOniviaan's advice and just ask the damn guy out. I will see form there. I have been in relationships that lasted years and those developed slowly, and then I have had guys vanish on me who seemed very into me in the first month.

 

I know he likes me, and maybe you are right maybe I am "one" for him, but I like this guy and i'm not just going to walk away based on a theory that is so black and white.

 

I don't feel like i'm just someone he hangs out with. He will lay in bed with me for an hour and just stare at me, he calls me the second he lands returns from where ever he went, He gets three hours of sleep to stay up with me, he has plenty of other things he can be doing instead of spending time with me and then goes into work sleep deprived. He tells me he likes me, and he isn't trying to trick me into bed.

 

So, I just asked him for a Friday or Saturday since he asked me about my plans for the week on Monday and I happen to know his. Based on his response I guess I'll know.

 

Thanks for the advice.

 

I would also be interested to hear a guys point of view on this?

[nadinefleur]

Oh and you can try to initiate more if you want to, to see if that is what the issue is here, but that is what I did as I thought it was the same problem, and it didn't change anything... if anything it made it harder to see if he was into me at all.

But if you feel you need to try, which is what I needed to do also, do it... but be very cautious, I warn you... it may push him away more.

 

And my guy too would lay in bed with me, staring into my eyes, kissing me when he thought I was sleeping... and then poof... disappeared from me!

[LoveOfRoses]

As for dating other people, we are both casually dating. I also want to point out that I live in Manhattan and have my entire life, and it is unheard of here to not multi-date. I'm not saying I like it, but it is somehow a part of the New York dating scene, and something that we all put up with in the beginning of any budding relationship. No one seems to see one person at a time regardless of how they come together. I don't necessarily take the online dating as the worst possible sign. It sucks that I see it and it is so transparent, but if I didn't meet him online would I still assume he wasn't seeing anyone else? I am still online and dating and expecting him not to would just make me a hypocrite.

[HeartbrokenNewbie]

U are right, it's not progressing as it should but he prob does like u x my advice would be to withdraw & let him chase u x

[LoveOfRoses]

Oh and you can try to initiate more if you want to, to see if that is what the issue is here, but that is what I did as I thought it was the same problem, and it didn't change anything... if anything it made it harder to see if he was into me at all.

But if you feel you need to try, which is what I needed to do also, do it... but be very cautious, I warn you... it may push him away more.

 

And my guy too would lay in bed with me, staring into my eyes, kissing me when he thought I was sleeping... and then poof... disappeared from me!

 

I am terribly sorry that happened to you. I have had people poof on me in the past but it was the opposite. They were totally into me and then when I fell for them they vanished. I thought I was safe because they made me believe they liked me so much. Therefore is it safe to assume that both of our situations now will have the same exact outcome? They might...

 

but then there is a chance they might not.

 

Maybe he will turn me down.

 

I don't know, but would I rather not try and not know, or know I tried?

 

I don't think asking him out once will push him away since I have let him do most of the work. We also discussed going out when he didn't have to be up early which was his suggestion so I just went off of that.

 

Lastly I don't plan on sleeping with him without some progress in this and trusting that he isn't sleeping with anyone else, and that we have some sort of commitment.

[nadinefleur]

I am terribly sorry that happened to you. I have had people poof on me in the past but it was the opposite. They were totally into me and then when I fell for them they vanished. I thought I was safe because they made me believe they liked me so much. Therefore is it safe to assume that both of our situations now will have the same exact outcome? They might...

 

but then there is a chance they might not.

 

Maybe he will turn me down.

 

I don't know, but would I rather not try and not know, or know I tried?

 

I don't think asking him out once will push him away since I have let him do most of the work. We also discussed going out when he didn't have to be up early which was his suggestion so I just went off of that.

 

Lastly I don't plan on sleeping with him without some progress in this and trusting that he isn't sleeping with anyone else, and that we have some sort of commitment.

 

Sorry, my guy DID seem really into me otherwise I wouldn't have slept with him, but only in person... when we were texting at first he was always sending really long messages and contacting every day, but then it was less and less which is why I thought maybe I should initiate more as I had been letting him do all the work. But once we had sex then he was gone...

 

I totally understand, I'm like you, and I feel I would regret it if I hadn't tried to do anything... so you can make some effort... but all the signs are showing that he's not that into it as Gaeta has said.. We may be wrong, and he might be different to my guy... but if he was really keen on pursuing something more serious with you he would be showing a lot more interest... He would want to see you a lot more, and he would be contacting much more.

I wouldn't put up with 3-4 days of no contact. And every guy who has been into me in the past has never left it that long to contact me.. all but my latest guy.

 

Find a guy who is crazy about you, who wants to see you all the time, who doesn't leave you guessing... this is just too much hard work

[LoveOfRoses]

Ok so here is goes.

 

I asked him out:

 

He said he should be free by Friday his friend was supposed to come to town but he thinks that is off.

 

So this is non-commital, still an option. It also may be entirely true. I'm trying not over analyze or jump to assumptions.

 

So taking it off of his terms and told him to let me know by tonight.

[ExpatInItaly]

Call me a cynic, but are you sure this guy isn't married or in a "committed" relationship? There are sleazy people out there who (stupidly) create OLD profiles looking for side action. Have you been to his home? That was my knee-jerk reaction...

 

Operating on the assumption that he's single, I'd say that he's not interested in being exclusive with you. He wouldn't be actively searching around on a dating site after 2 months if he saw true potential with you. On the other hand, other posters have a point: playing it too cool and letting him initiate the majority of the time can also come across as a lack of interest. I think you did the right thing suggesting a weekend date. If he shies away from that, I'd not put much more effort into this.

[LoveOfRoses]

Sorry, my guy DID seem really into me otherwise I wouldn't have slept with him, but only in person... when we were texting at first he was always sending really long messages and contacting every day, but then it was less and less which is why I thought maybe I should initiate more as I had been letting him do all the work. But once we had sex then he was gone...

 

I totally understand, I'm like you, and I feel I would regret it if I hadn't tried to do anything... so you can make some effort... but all the signs are showing that he's not that into it as Gaeta has said.. We may be wrong, and he might be different to my guy... but if he was really keen on pursuing something more serious with you he would be showing a lot more interest... He would want to see you a lot more, and he would be contacting much more.

I wouldn't put up with 3-4 days of no contact. And every guy who has been into me in the past has never left it that long to contact me.. all but my latest guy.

 

Find a guy who is crazy about you, who wants to see you all the time, who doesn't leave you guessing... this is just too much hard work

 

No I understand, and I feel he might not be into me which is why I posted. I also know that both sides experience the same fears when I chated with some of my other guy friends. They told me in the past if he is worth it I need to initiate a little. Also this guy I am dating told me the is the coolest he has ever been in his life and he was picked on a lot in school. He's 34 now, but still could that lead to social stagnation? (He's one of those kids that skipped a ton of grades)

 

This guy isn't becoming more distant, we are totally the same not that it makes the situation any better. We have days of no contact only when he travels (not that it's better), but he does challenge me on this silly quiz up app during those periods so there is some sort of non-communication contact going on.

 

For what J1 said, I read so many online articles about never initiating contact I also might have contributed to these periods since I do not reach out at all? (possibility?) He seems to play the communication game a bit too. I noticed that he seems to need to have the last say in almost every conversation. If I hint that I need to go soon he will hang up first, or have the last say in text, which could also be why I feel left hanging. The few times I left it hanging in text he would double text get me to respond and then leave? I'm not saying I want to play games, and overall he is very mature but I came into this so self conscious about how I communicate is it also possible that I created this scenario? because I felt like I texted the guy before him too much and chased him away?

 

It is not totally void of any progress he has started making hypothetical future plans with me. (I know words mean nothing) but that's new.

 

Anyhow, I might also just be in total denial because I do want him to like me.

 

I asked him out. Let's see what happens. I'm ready to accept the outcome. If anything this thread helped to prepare me for the worst.

 

Thanks again guys.

[LoveOfRoses]

Call me a cynic, but are you sure this guy isn't married or in a "committed" relationship? There are sleazy people out there who (stupidly) create OLD profiles looking for side action. Have you been to his home? That was my knee-jerk reaction...

 

Operating on the assumption that he's single, I'd say that he's not interested in being exclusive with you. He wouldn't be actively searching around on a dating site after 2 months if he saw true potential with you. On the other hand, other posters have a point: playing it too cool and letting him initiate the majority of the time can also come across as a lack of interest. I think you did the right thing suggesting a weekend date. If he shies away from that, I'd not put much more effort into this.

 

I have been to his house, and I am 99.9% sure he is single.

[LoveOfRoses]

So this thread inspired me to run a poll amounts my guy friends to test the one month theory.

 

Some of them are players, some are traditional, some are average, some relationship oriented, late twenties to mid 30's.

 

20 out of 24 said that each situation is different, but many of them said that in most instances they would not know if a girl was the "one", girlfriend marierial, or if they wanted to stop seeing other people within a month. Many said at least 2-3 months for any type of commitment unless they were seeing them constantly, but most said they wouldn't want to see a girl they just met constantly unless they just wanted to get laid.

 

Now it was a small control group, and it could be totally wrong, but that was 24 guys mouth on the one month theory. These responses peaked my interest so I asked around.