nohardfelines Posted March 5, 2014 Posted March 5, 2014 My stbxw and I have parted under mostly amicable terms; no cheating, no abuse, just ilybinily and all that. I'm currently in the 'oh-dear-god-I-hope-this-is-all-temporary-even-though-we're-both-making-each-other-miserable' phase. You know the one i'm talking about. The one with the rose colored glasses. Anyway, NC is out of the question, since we have two young children. However, my wife has been out of the workforce for five years raising our children. Nice guy that I am, (obviously, since I finished last in our marriage) it was my idea that I would continue to support her for as long as it would take for her to get on her feet, not flipping burgers but doing something that she actually wants to do. As such, I moved all my stuff into the guest room and paid for her to go back to school. (Not like 4 years of college, but necessary recertification type classes.) So we'll be living together for the entire process, which is both great for me (my work schedule would never allow for more than weekend custody, so I get to keep my kids around for at least another few months) and awful for me (hurts being on the same planet as my ex, let alone the same room.) So far so good, but its only been a couple of weeks. Looking for success stories here...did it work out all sunshine and unicorns for you?
iris219 Posted March 5, 2014 Posted March 5, 2014 If you are living together, you are not separated according to the courts. They don't care if your wife is in another room and you don't have sex. You must maintain separate dwellings. If you're not ready to separate, that's fine. If you are, start saving for a cheap apartment for you or your wife to move into and officially separate then. Living together while going through a divorce will make both of your lives more difficult in the long run.
RightThere Posted March 5, 2014 Posted March 5, 2014 If you are living together, you are not separated according to the courts. They don't care if your wife is in another room and you don't have sex. You must maintain separate dwellings. That's not exactly true. You need to prove that you are separated (no family activities together, no sex) but you can live together because of financial reasons. Although the law may be different state to state, that is what I've been shown that runs true for most parts.
Author nohardfelines Posted March 5, 2014 Author Posted March 5, 2014 If you are living together, you are not separated according to the courts. True, we are not legally separated, we both realize that the 1 year Virginia clock won't start until we are in separate households, but we have made the decision to end the marriage. We're going to stay living together to make the transition easier for her and the kids.
Chi townD Posted March 5, 2014 Posted March 5, 2014 Living together under the guise of being separated is usually a bad idea. Sooner or later she'll probably come home and jump in the shower. She'll change clothes dressed to kill and freshen up her makeup. Then, she'll tell you that her and a couple of "girls from school" are having a girls night out. uh huh.....7/10 times that means she's either going on a date or she's on the prowl. But, you can't get mad! Because; technically, your separated! Living together is never good. 1
iris219 Posted March 5, 2014 Posted March 5, 2014 That's not exactly true. You need to prove that you are separated (no family activities together, no sex) but you can live together because of financial reasons. Although the law may be different state to state, that is what I've been shown that runs true for most parts. How do you prove there was no sex or family activities? If the date of separation is ever contested, you will need to produce a lease. (I thought this was the case in most states. I know it is in mine.) If you're both willing to lie about it, there shouldn't be a problem. Emotionally, it sounds like a very difficult situation. Living apart gives the children the opportunity to get used to their parents not being together. Living together doesn't allow for this transition.
RightThere Posted March 5, 2014 Posted March 5, 2014 How do you prove there was no sex or family activities? If the date of separation is ever contested, you will need to produce a lease. (I thought this was the case in most states. I know it is in mine.) If you're both willing to lie about it, there shouldn't be a problem. Emotionally, it sounds like a very difficult situation. Living apart gives the children the opportunity to get used to their parents not being together. Living together doesn't allow for this transition. Agreed it's more difficult. My only point was that it's not the be all end all that you must live in separate places to be considered legally separated. You just must do everything separated couples do but you can live together if you cannot afford separate places right now.
carhill Posted March 5, 2014 Posted March 5, 2014 OP, do you expect to cohabit through the divorce process? If not, what's the agreed move-out date and who's moving out? What's your agreement for dating? Have you seen a mediator to begin the settlement process? A tidbit about spousal support from a VA legal site: Alimony (spousal support) in Virginia is on an indefinite basis. Indefinite alimony can be raised or lowered over time if there is a change of circumstances. Effective July 1, 1997, cohabitation with a member of the opposite sex is now a factor, which may justify termination of spousal support. You must get alimony at the time of divorce, or you are barred from ever getting alimony in the future. Unlike some other jurisdictions, such as Maryland where alimony is "rehabilitative" alimony only awards in Virginia are not limited to a temporary period while the spouse gets back on his or her feet. Under Virginia law, married people are financially responsible for each other--the husband has a duty to support his wife, and the wife has a duty to support her husband. Additionally they are both responsible for one another's debts. This duty lasts until the final Decree in Divorce is granted. It doesn't stop because the couple separates. Just as with property division, you are free to make your own decisions and agreements on support or alimony as along as the decisions are the result of free and open negotiation and are fair to both parties. I've been divorced and, even though ours was quite amicable, personally, I wouldn't cohabit during the process. It's simply a minefield I wouldn't want to walk. YMMV. Good luck!
Author nohardfelines Posted March 6, 2014 Author Posted March 6, 2014 OP, do you expect to cohabit through the divorce process? If not, what's the agreed move-out date and who's moving out? What's your agreement for dating? Have you seen a mediator to begin the settlement process? We don't expect to cohabit through the divorce proceedings, once she's found stable work and a decent apartment, we'll begin the legal separation process from the date of her move-out. No set move-out yet, as we're still in the process of getting her ready to retuen to work. She's a lactation consultant and all of her certifications have expired, so there's a lot of classes and exams that need to be redone. We've agreed to refrain completely from seeing other people until the Separation is official. We have a mediation session scheduled for next week.
SolG Posted March 6, 2014 Posted March 6, 2014 Australian family law allows for separation under one roof. You just need to prove that you have separate sleeping and financial arrangements, reduction in shared activities and household duties, etc. An affidavit testifying to twelve months of this type of separation and you're good to file for divorce. You actually never, even in divorce, have to be in separate residences. My xH and I conhibitted for about twelve months in separation while we sorted our property and finance settlement. He's still technically still my H; divorce isn't high on our priorities. Was weird at first, but after a while it was surprisingly easy. We were empty nesters so both just went about our own business. We didn't hate each other, so when we were both there together it was fine. I think children would certainly add a level of complexity. As would dating, which neither of us did during this period. I actually wouldn't have had a problem if he did. But it was way to soon for me. I eventually moved out because I wanted my own space. Not because the arrangement was intolerable. Cohabitation in separation and divorce is apparently an arrangement that's on the rise. Predominately due to financial pressures (thank you GFC) and to provide stable co parenting. If all is relatively amicable, and the parties involved mature enough to anticipate the rub points and negotiate agreed boundaries, etc, I can't see why it can't work. 1
Recommended Posts