dummy1234 Posted March 5, 2014 Posted March 5, 2014 I met her about 5 weeks ago and we instantly hit it off. We ended up making out for a couple of hours that night. She lives in the same college dorms as me (we're both on an exchange program) so I see her almost everyday in the common area etc. We hung out a good bit (just the two of us) over the next few days and we found out that we had crazy amount of stuff in common - more than anyone else I've ever met - and we were extremely flirty with each other throughout that time. So much so that all our mutual friends were commenting on the 'sexual tension' between us. The next time we were out I tried to kiss her again and she rejects me and says 'What are you doing? I'm sorry I don't see you that way.' Naturally, I was a bit down about it as she had given me no impression up until then that I was 'friend-zoned'. The next day we talked about it and she said she didn't mean to give off any 'romantic vibes' and that we're just friends. Apparently it happens a lot - guys think she's flirting with them but she doesn't mean to be (yeah, I didn't believe that either). I apologised for the night before and said I'd just like to know exactly where I stand and that I had no problems with just being friends. Fast forward about a week or so and I've realised that what I said before was a lie and that I can't be 'just friends' with her. I sat her down and explained to her how I was feeling and that, as much as I'd like to be her friend (she's super awesome), I don't want to put myself through hell hanging out with her and seeing her hook up with other guys so it's best if we stop hanging out altogether. She said that she understood but she made it clear that she wasn't too happy about losing me as a friend. Anyway, I told her I didn't want to make it awkward - we have the same circle of friends out here - so she shouldn't feel like she has to avoid parties/events/etc because I'm going to be there. It was fine for a few days - we'd still say 'hi' if we passed each other on the way to class or in the dorms (but nothing more) - except suddenly she started to completely ignore me and looked pissed at me every time I saw her. It got to the stage where it felt so awkward between us when we were in the same room - we basically looked everywhere but at each other - that I had to bring it up to her. She says she wasn't annoyed and she was 'taking her cues from me and I didn't say 'hi' back to her once so she didn't bother anymore' (I know, sounds like we're 14 years old again). Anyway, I clarified that I didn't have a problem being cordial to her when we saw each other/in a group but that I didn't want any texting/Facebook messaging/spending time together alone and she seemed...ok with that. The problem is, I'm not. Unfortunately, I really like her and the fact that I have to see her every single ****ing day is a nightmare. I'm doing my best to get over it and I do pretty well until I end up thinking about her and then I'm in one hell of a bad mood for hours. I have no idea what to do here at all. Neither of us can leave the dorms and it's completely ruining my exchange right now. I'm really not enjoying myself here anymore. I was having the time of my life up until I met her (and for a short while after I suppose) and now I'm so fed up of everything about this place. I'm trying my best not to hate her but it's getting more and more difficult as the days go by. I don't get how I was friend-zoned by her. We already kissed, got on so well (I don't think I've ever met a girl who I've enjoyed spending so much time with), spent a lot of time together - most of that was flirting and, while of course I think that she's gorgeous, I'm hardly bad looking myself (forgive the temporary immodesty ). When you put all that together it makes no sense to me to be friend-zoned but then maybe I'm looking at it too logically (disadvantage of being a CS major lol). Anyone's opinion is welcome, just go easy on me as I'm a bit fragile right now TL;DR: Girl is messing with my head. A Lot.
PegNosePete Posted March 5, 2014 Posted March 5, 2014 Wow she sounds like an A grade super manipulator. Do you really want to be involved with someone who treats you like dirt? Yeah I know she's got a nice face/rack/whatever but to lead you on like that, chew you up, spit you out, and leave you desperate for more... that is not the actions of a nice person. Sorry but I don't think anyone can do anything until you can get over your oneitis. GFTOW might help... 2
Chocolat Posted March 5, 2014 Posted March 5, 2014 Find another girl. It doesn't matter, does it, why she acted as she did? We can analyse it to death but the bottom line is that she isn't interested. She sounds a little flaky to me, actually, making out and then doing a 180. Surely on a college campus there is another girl you might like? 1
CarrieT Posted March 5, 2014 Posted March 5, 2014 Pretty easy - you two made out and despite everything you have in common, you didn't do it for her the way she did it for you. There is no manipulation on her part - it is a trial-and-error scenario. If you had floated her boat sexually, it would be a different story. Hard as it is going to be, you need to move on. She tried to let you down easy and you didn't take the hint and pushed the issue. Oh well. 1
JungleLover Posted March 5, 2014 Posted March 5, 2014 Sometimes when you have a lot in common with someone things can go in a certain direction but only briefly if there is no real sexual attraction. You two got along well and she eventually decided that she did not really see you in a romantic way. At least she kissed you. Imagine how much fuss you would be making right now if she did not even give you a shot at that. Don't let that ruin the wonderful exchange experience you were having and definitely do not ruin hers because she doesn't see you as her man. There is no crime here. If you plan to keep at it with dating or pursuing a person interest over the years, get used to disappointment here and there. 1
ExpatInItaly Posted March 5, 2014 Posted March 5, 2014 Sometimes when you have a lot in common with someone things can go in a certain direction but only briefly if there is no real sexual attraction. You two got along well and she eventually decided that she did not really see you in a romantic way. At least she kissed you. Imagine how much fuss you would be making right now if she did not even give you a shot at that. Don't let that ruin the wonderful exchange experience you were having and definitely do not ruin hers because she doesn't see you as her man. There is no crime here. If you plan to keep at it with dating or pursuing a person interest over the years, get used to disappointment here and there. This is good advice. Don't let a girl you've known such a short time spoil a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity. There will be plenty of other girls you feel the same or stronger attraction to, and who will reciprocate. Also, I don't think it's entirely fair to say she's messing with your head. You kissed once, and she evidently didn't feel the same spark you did. When it happened again, she was honest about her feelings. Messing with your head would be not telling you how she feels, suddenly going silent, continuing to fool around with you while also pursuing other guys, and so on. She had the guts to be direct with you. If I understand correctly, you didn't respond with a hello and that struck her as not friendly..which is the opposite of what you said you wanted, no? Why didn't you say hi back to her? In any event, she isn't the one for you. The tension and attraction will fade. Be cordial but don't engage further than that. (That was a wise plan in your part) Get out and meet other girls. 1
Author dummy1234 Posted March 6, 2014 Author Posted March 6, 2014 Find another girl. It doesn't matter, does it, why she acted as she did? We can analyse it to death but the bottom line is that she isn't interested. She sounds a little flaky to me, actually, making out and then doing a 180. Surely on a college campus there is another girl you might like? I know, there are a lot of girls here and I was doing 'fine' until I met her but getting rejected like that hit me a lot harder than I expected it would. I've also been extremely busy lately because of midterms so I haven't had a lot of time to get out and party. When I have been out though, I've found it very hard to meet other people because I can't get her out of my head which sucks. Studying too means I'm alone working and I get very easily distracted - one thing leads to another and I'm thinking of her. Pretty easy - you two made out and despite everything you have in common, you didn't do it for her the way she did it for you. There is no manipulation on her part - it is a trial-and-error scenario. If you had floated her boat sexually, it would be a different story. Hard as it is going to be, you need to move on. She tried to let you down easy and you didn't take the hint and pushed the issue. Oh well. I don't necessarily think I pushed anything. I just told her how I felt and why I couldn't be her friend. I haven't been pushing her to change her mind at all. We haven't spoken about it since. In fact, we barely speak anymore. Sometimes when you have a lot in common with someone things can go in a certain direction but only briefly if there is no real sexual attraction. You two got along well and she eventually decided that she did not really see you in a romantic way. At least she kissed you. Imagine how much fuss you would be making right now if she did not even give you a shot at that. Don't let that ruin the wonderful exchange experience you were having and definitely do not ruin hers because she doesn't see you as her man. There is no crime here. If you plan to keep at it with dating or pursuing a person interest over the years, get used to disappointment here and there. I'm trying not to let it put a downer on the exchange but these things always get me down. I generally don't have a problem meeting girls out in bars/clubs but it's extremely rare for me to meet a girl who I actually like and would like to pursue something with - she was one of those girls, and that's what's making it 10x worse for me. I can't stop thinking that I did something wrong somewhere and if I could have done things differently then maybe I'd have had a shot. I didn't mention it in the OP but there were other two occasions where I know I could have kissed her but I didn't as I wasn't sure what my feelings were for her at the time. Basically, I didn't want to potentially get involved in something that I wasn't 100% on and then when I did resolve my feelings for her, I got rejected. This is good advice. Don't let a girl you've known such a short time spoil a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity. There will be plenty of other girls you feel the same or stronger attraction to, and who will reciprocate. Also, I don't think it's entirely fair to say she's messing with your head. You kissed once, and she evidently didn't feel the same spark you did. When it happened again, she was honest about her feelings. Messing with your head would be not telling you how she feels, suddenly going silent, continuing to fool around with you while also pursuing other guys, and so on. She had the guts to be direct with you. If I understand correctly, you didn't respond with a hello and that struck her as not friendly..which is the opposite of what you said you wanted, no? Why didn't you say hi back to her? In any event, she isn't the one for you. The tension and attraction will fade. Be cordial but don't engage further than that. (That was a wise plan in your part) Get out and meet other girls. As I said above, I'm trying my best not to let it spoil things but I invariably end up feeling like sh*t for a while after this happens. Anytime I meet a girl I do actually like, I end up in the 'friend-zone'. If I'm not that into the girl then they end up going crazy for me. It makes no sense at all and I have no idea what I do differently. Ok, thank God she's not acting like that (going silent, etc...) but I think it's fair to say that she was sending me extremely mixed signals. That night I tried to kiss her and she rejected me? At various stages throughout the night she was leaning her elbow on my inner thigh, sticking her tongue out at me (in a very flirtatious manner, not like this) and sitting right up against me, amongst other things. Basically, enough for any man to get an impressions that she's interested in them. I mean, what 'friends' do that? The hello thing is so stupid. I actually did respond to her that day: I smiled and said hello back. I don't know why she said that I didn't.
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