STM206 Posted March 5, 2014 Posted March 5, 2014 I was listening to a song today by Ashanti, titled "RIP" the lyrics were so beautiful, a snippet below. "Your hands should be covered in blood, by the way you ripped out my heart. It's feels like I swallowed a blade, every time I say, every time I say it... Not an email, not a text, nothing left nothing left... Just me sitting in this bed alone That's how we started unraveling. Boy you stripped me to the bone." It's been 2 months since my ex and I have been apart. The first month was pure hell, I couldn't sleep, I couldn't eat... Nothing. I lost myself, I spent every waking moment obsessing, thinking about how to get him back, if I would ever get him back. I reached out every week in hopes that he would change his mind, never happened. I started going out and met another guy. Ironically he's a therapist. I shared my experiences with him and he has been 100% understanding. We've taken an interest in each other but I'm not jumping into anything serious with him right now. I told him that I do enjoy his company and for the first time in what has seemed like the longest, darkest 2 months of my life... I've felt hope, happiness for the future. I've wondered if I'm rebounding, but the signs don't point in that direction. I don't "wish" it was my ex in front of me, I don't compare him to my ex... I just enjoy his company and that's all I could ask for right now. My heart feels for him, but I know my heart is still bleeding to an extent. I want to get to know him, for him, and I want to do right and not **** with his emotions, especially since I know how the pain feels to be ****ed over. I found out (through a mutual friend who I cut things off with being she hasn't shown one ounce of care nor respect on my end) that my ex is moving to the other side of the country. It stung, but at this point with how he's treated this whole situation, I can't be too surprised. It's ironic how I feel I move forward, but take little steps back when I hear these things. No matter how hard one tries to initiate no contact, it seems that you always end up hearing new details that you'd rather not know about. Do I still think about him? Yes, do I still think about our past? Yes... But do I expect him to come back? No. He left, he made the decision to coldly cut me out of his life. I realize we wouldn't work, not because were not compatible, but because there has been too much damage done. In my mind, the one thing that I wish would happen... Would be that he'd reach out, to even just check in, a breadcrumb if you will. However like the lyrics said... "Not an email, not a text" and that's exactly what the case is... I do dream of the day that I can shift my focus 100% onto myself and whatever future relationship I'm supposed to be in. That what I expect from the ex, won't be expected anymore. Have I made progress? Yes, but it's the moments that keep reminding you. Love is confusing, but as I've always believed, love is just simply there.
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