Dealing with Rekindling a Relationship

[Verm]

So, this is somewhat of a long story and involves a long distance relationship with a woman. Let's call her Sky.

 

We met online through a chat site and started to text and call each other at first. We talked for weeks non-stop and developed some feelings for one another after about a month. We dated from April of 2012 to August last year and we broke up because we felt like the relationship was dead.(We talked more recently and discovered that we both thought we were dragging each other down and that the other could do better)

 

After we broke up, she said she still wanted to be friends and I said okay, but then she ignored me from August to December. I was beyond devestated, I wasn't sober for more than 10 minutes for 6-7 months(ending last month), trying to drink and smoke the pain away to no avail.(I would go through a large bottle of hard liquor every 4-5 days by myself) We were going to lose our virginities to each other and out of spite, I went to go see a hooker.(and to which I couldn't get it "up" all the way because of the emotional turmoil I was feeling)

 

I sent her a few emails in October to which she didn't respond and I told her that it hurt that she was ignoring me, but I wished her the best and I won't try to contact her again.

 

So December comes around. She says she was sorry and she didn't want to hurt me. She said she wanted to video chat and I said okay and she teased me in lingerie and told me that she lost her virginity to some guy and was now dating a different older guy; and that she did everything with them. I played it off until she had to leave and I honestly cried. It felt like she ripped my heart out and curb-stomped it. I emailed her at 3am(I'm an insomniac) saying that it opened wounds that won't heal seeing her again and that I hoped she was happy with the older guy and wished her nothing but the best.

 

The drinking and smoking continued, constant suicidal thoughts occured and I cut a few times. Around Christmas I bought myself a flask and etched "Merry F*cking Christmas" into it.

 

Throughout the whole ordeal I was seeing a therapist which was the only thing holding me off from ending it all.

 

Out of spite and lonliness I went to go see another hooker the day before the superbowl. (The reason I only saw hookers was because I didn't want to feel the pain like I did, only the physical aspect) And as the same with the last one, I couldn't get it up fully and all I could think about was Sky.

 

Now come 5-6 days ago. She texts me a quote(I don't remember the exact wording) "When you love until it hurts, there can be no more hurt, only love." and said that she wanted me back and I didn't deserve any of what she did to me and that she was sorry.

 

I'm going to continue the post in a minute.

[Verm]

I told her how hurt I was, how much I tried to make the pain go away. She said I could hurt her, or even kill her because she thought she deserved it; But I'm not that kind of guy.

 

I told her that I couldn't see myself with anyone else and I told her about the hookers, and how I couldn't get it up and all i thought about was her. She said she regretted going out with and screwing the two guys she did when we were apart, and as with me, she kept thinking about me when she was with them. I regretted my two as well.

 

I said I still cared about her and that I wasn't ready to tell her I loved her yet, and that she hurt me worse than anything's done to me before. But, I wanted to be with her and make it work. So I decided to try and see a female relationship counselor(I turned bitter and cynical during those 6-7 months, only seeing women as lying, untrustworthy things. So I think maybe hearing things from a woman's perspective would help)

 

Sky told me that she had a pregnancy scare with the older guy she was with and that just sent me into a rage(this was yesterday). When I came back from my night classes I downed a flask of vodka and smoked half a pack of cigarettes and I literally saw red, as in my vision tinted red until I fell asleep. I was pissed off beyond comparison and at the same time, crying.

 

Before I passed out, I sent her a profane email, venting all the sh*t that pissed me off about what happened. That she promised to be with me and never leave me, and then goes and screws a dude not two months after we split.

 

I can't cast stones because I did the same thing, but at the same time, it hurts more. This is the first relationship I've had that's meant anything to me and I just did hookers, that meant nothing, and she went and had two relationships while I drank myself deeper into depression.

 

She told me she deserves everything that I want to do to her and I told her about(what my therapist told me was) the erotic rage fantasy I had. Of going to where she was, making her fall in love with me and cheat on whomever she was with, and screw her. And when she was hopelessly in love with me, tell her that she's garbage and didn't mean anything to me.

 

But again, I couldn't hurt another human being like that.

 

Since I've never been in a relationship apart from this one, I've never been jealous before. And it feels like a gaping hole of discomfort in my chest.

 

I'm going to that relationship therapist on Thursday to try and settle some of my/our issues since she's going to visit during the summer.

 

Should I ask her details about the relationships or not? And how do I deal with the feeling of a lead weight in my heart because of the jealously?

 

I want to ask her about the older guy, to see how old he was, but I'm not sure at the same time I want to know since it hurts so much already.

 

Earlier I told her that I wasn't sure i could get over her being with other guys, but i had a small realization and told her "I'm still hurting a lot and it disturbs me to my being thinking about you with other guys. But you're mine, when you come over this summer I'm going to make you forget about those two losers." And I said I loved her.

[Verm]

And lastly, I told her that I had a thought. And it's pretty sadistic, at least from my standpoint.

 

To make her feel my pain, I wanted to go and screw one last hooker, but either literally in front of her, or over the phone/skype/ect. And record it and make her watch it. It doesn't settle well, but the part of me that still have a ton of rage yearns for it.

 

She said she would do it and she would still love me after, and again, that she deserves it.

 

This concludes what has transpired in the last 20 or so months.

[Kopite]

Look, pal. You can completely ignore my advice if you want, but don't go back with her. You are not stable at all. Neither is she it seems. You need to sort yourself out before even thinking about getting back together with her. Stay away from her and improve yourself. You can't go back to her with these angry and bitter feelings. It just won't work.

[todreaminblue]

I am really sorry to read you have this rage inside of you......rage destroys peoples hearts from truly knowing love or even recognising right from wrong.........and Kopite was right on his advice ......you arent stable not one bit...... you have to work out and through those rage feelings you have insoide you before they become ingrained and stabilize yourself before even contemplating being in a relationship.....both of you are going to get hurt....step back and away continue to see your therapist and take up sport is my suggestion......somewhere you can work out aggression safely without harm to another..... box that bag baby.......no harm to others or yourself..let the bag cop it.............good luck verm....be at peace and i wish you well....deb

[Verm]

Thanks for replying.

 

I know I'm not stable at all, I've dealt with mild schizophrenia and bipolar depression for a while now without medication(I've tried about 30 different kinds of medication for the bipolar and all of them make me worse. The schizophrenia isn't bad at all, I just maybe see a random person in my hallway once every few months or hear someone start talking to me) and usually it just sits in the depressive and not manic phase. I was bullied constantly from a young age up until about three years ago when a bout of rage made me get expelled from my high school(not physical, just threatening just because I wanted them to stop)

 

My therapist mentioned what you two said, to find a sense of self before trying to be together. He put it in the example of two pillars in a temple, if they stand too close the roof won't be stable and fall apart, and if they stand too far apart, then the roof would collapse. I'm not exactly sure how to find that sense of self though.

 

I calmed down a quite bit and realized that the rage I had was mostly just jealousy, but still, I'm mad at her, not enraged, but mad.

 

And Deb, that sounds like a good idea. I was contemplating joining a local boxing gym after I finished posting because my father and I used to spar and it let out my anger. But I'm not an angry person typically, honestly this is the first time I've been genuinely angry in about 2 years. And I would hurt myself before hurting others in any way, shape, or form.

[todreaminblue]

Thanks for replying.

 

I know I'm not stable at all, I've dealt with mild schizophrenia and bipolar depression for a while now without medication(I've tried about 30 different kinds of medication for the bipolar and all of them make me worse. The schizophrenia isn't bad at all, I just maybe see a random person in my hallway once every few months or hear someone start talking to me) and usually it just sits in the depressive and not manic phase. I was bullied constantly from a young age up until about three years ago when a bout of rage made me get expelled from my high school(not physical, just threatening just because I wanted them to stop)

 

My therapist mentioned what you two said, to find a sense of self before trying to be together. He put it in the example of two pillars in a temple, if they stand too close the roof won't be stable and fall apart, and if they stand too far apart, then the roof would collapse. I'm not exactly sure how to find that sense of self though.

 

I calmed down a quite bit and realized that the rage I had was mostly just jealousy, but still, I'm mad at her, not enraged, but mad.

 

And Deb, that sounds like a good idea. I was contemplating joining a local boxing gym after I finished posting because my father and I used to spar and it let out my anger. But I'm not an angry person typically, honestly this is the first time I've been genuinely angry in about 2 years. And I would hurt myself before hurting others in any way, shape, or form.

 

hey verm, jealousy can turn ugly quick but......reading your post i can see that you are still in control........and are reflective........boxing doesnt have to be for angry people...boxing is a release of tension and the added good thing is if there is anger there, it goers with the tension when you box and you can get rid of it....i used to kick box a fair bit........but now i prefer dance ...jump around like an idiot for a while and it makes me sane.......dance like no one is watching attitude...do what works for you, what makes you sane?

 

 

I was diagnosed schizo affective having both depressive and manic episodes on top of shizophrenic episodes or so they say, i differ in what i think i am ...and I refuse meds at the moment..why did you decide not to take meds? the side effects too much?.....deb

[Verm]

I feel as if nothing makes me sane anymore, usually the only things that alleviates the growing madness within me is sleep; due to not being able to stop thinking at any moment and what seems/is multiple thought processes. Although it's gotten a lot worse as of late and from my usual 5 hours of sleep, it's gotten to about an hour or two hours at max.

 

And yeah, the medication would either depress me further or make me constantly angry(most of them depressed me, rage was a select few). I was prescribed medical herbs to help with the depression and anxiety(which it does) but it's only a temporary solution.