michele4 Posted March 4, 2014 Posted March 4, 2014 I am 2.5 months post discovery and 1.5 months post divorce. To recap My ex suddenly wanted a divorce and I was blindsided- turns out there was lying and an affair. I moved home asap. My ex, who I have had little contact with, is now making paying my alimony into a huge pain. He has a steady job but for some reason sending the check is just too difficult and I am getting a laundry list of reasons of why he hasn't sent it yet. I want/need the alimony but am concerned that this is going to turn into a huge ordeal each month (this is month one). I did not even bring up the late check- I was going to wait it out and see what happened but he has now contacted me twice now with excuses and unnecessarily mean comments thrown in. Any advice? I'm sure I could file a complaint about it but I think I'd need to wait a few months first. Emotionally I am doing much better than I was. I know I haven't been divorced very long but when the situation ends so suddenly you really have to cope and move on quite quickly. The issue is my friends that I've reconnected with since returning are mostly my age (mid 20s- I was married young) and since I've moved home do not want to see me. I do not bring up my ex, as I'm sure it is annoying to hear about my divorce constantly, but if they ask how I am doing emotionally or if they ask if I have had to speak with him recently I will tell them what is going on but almost every time they will stop talking to me as soon as I respond and I won't hear from them until they have something they need to tell me/ask me about (to clarify I am not bashing my ex- the most I will say is that I am frustrated by his x,y,z behavior). I am a nice person but very introverted so this is very hard for me. I feel like my ex got to exhibit all this awful behavior but I am the one who is having to deal with several repercussions. Am I just having some odd emotional pity party? How do I deal with this?
Mr.Milked Posted March 4, 2014 Posted March 4, 2014 No kids? How long were you married? It will always be this way.
Author michele4 Posted March 4, 2014 Author Posted March 4, 2014 No children. We were together 6.5 years total and married 3.5 of those- I know that isn't very long compared to many but for being mid-20s it was pretty much my entire adult life. What do you mean it will always be this way?
Mr.Milked Posted March 4, 2014 Posted March 4, 2014 Money will always be a hassle from him unless you document all and file complaints of the breaches of the court's orders. Can't you make some money on your own? And I'm sorry he did this to you. I know it hurts.
RightThere Posted March 4, 2014 Posted March 4, 2014 Am I just having some odd emotional pity party? How do I deal with this? There's no shame in having a pity party if you're only a couple months post discovery and divorce. Do what you need to do to process and get through your emotions. As for the alimony, if you've got it agreed to in a written divorce document, maybe give it a month for him to get you what you're owed. If it drags past a month, you'll probably need to get the court involved for unpaid alimony. Sucks, but if you're worried about it getting ugly due to involving the courts, I can assure you it won't be prettier by not involving them. Especially if he is still involved with his other woman, your money is probably being spent on them building their "dream life". Hang in there and make sure to use the forum to get off your chest whenever you want. There is no such thing as talking too much about what you're going through here. 4
TheBladeRunner Posted March 5, 2014 Posted March 5, 2014 Be miserable, be hurt, be angry, be sad, and all the other things in between. It's all part of the process; I was a complete train wreck for several months. As far as his financial obligation, don't let it slide to far. Get the courts involved, let the lawyer to the heavy lifting. 2
Author michele4 Posted March 5, 2014 Author Posted March 5, 2014 I will continue to follow everyone's advice and feel whatever I need to feel (but oh my goodness I do not enjoy it). But you all have gone through this so I'm sure you're right. I just don't understand why friends and family have decided to disappear during my time of need but I am STILL always the one people come to if they have issues. It definitely makes me think I may need to start over on the whole making friends thing *shudder* I will definitely keep track of the alimony (it is agreed to in a divorce document) because I do not want to deal with this passive-aggressive refusal to pay (although yes I do have my own income but I still feel that it does not waive his paying since he agreed to it in the decree). Should I also expect him to make snarky comments every single time we have to speak? We are for the most part NC unless it deals with a legal issue and then I am civil but almost every single time he has to make some mean comment
Author michele4 Posted March 5, 2014 Author Posted March 5, 2014 So I just got a phone call about this and am unsure what to do...(normally I do NOT lead such a drama-filled life I promise) I got into a car accident on the day my divorce went through while still on my ex husband's policy (it was a joint policy from what I understand but he was the original policy holder). The insurance company originally told me that he would not have to be notified because I would pay the deductible. He was informed by the insurance company and called me quite upset. When I called to find out what was going on I was told that he had the legal right to know, which is fine I just would've preferred accurate info, and it may effect his premium whenever the underwriters looked at it. Since I needed the car fixed I took it in to get fixed and pay my deductible. Now his insurance (who is also my insurance- we just split into two individual policies) is saying that I may owe him the total cost of repairs so that it does not effect him? I cannot afford to pay him the total cost of repairs. The accident was a total accident and no one really intends to get into one. The insurance company is refusing to move the accident onto my account since it was originally on the joint account so I am very unsure of what to do. This is a convo I would rather not have with him if possible
dumped2013 Posted March 5, 2014 Posted March 5, 2014 If y'all were on a joint policy at the time I think that would be his problem. Don't let them bully you into paying for the entire wreck just to keep his premium from going up. Screw him. He should have made sure you had separate policies when the divorce was final. His problem. 2
Author michele4 Posted March 5, 2014 Author Posted March 5, 2014 That is exactly how I feel! If it such a big issue he should've taken me off the policy the day prior so my new policy (on my own) would go through on the day of the divorce. I just can't believe our insurance is bothering me about this. ..
RightThere Posted March 5, 2014 Posted March 5, 2014 That is exactly how I feel! If it such a big issue he should've taken me off the policy the day prior so my new policy (on my own) would go through on the day of the divorce. I just can't believe our insurance is bothering me about this. .. Insurance companies will do or say whatever they have to so they can limit their out of pocket costs. They are a business and not your friend. As for your ex, tough cookies for him. Just because he doesn't want to be on the same policy as you anymore doesn't mean it's no longer a shared policy. Don't even think twice about it. If his premiums go up, that was the risk of having (and still having) a joint policy. 3
cozycottagelg Posted March 5, 2014 Posted March 5, 2014 I have to disagree about the accident. You are no longer married. He is paying alimony to a 20 something who he does not have children with, which already seems a bit odd to me...but anyway... pay the insurance bill. It's your accident....why should his premiums go up for something he wasn't even involved in?
Author michele4 Posted March 5, 2014 Author Posted March 5, 2014 It was a joint policy that I was insured on at the time of the accident. It's just unfortunate that the accident occurred on the last day I was on the policy. I'm not trying to take advantage of him but I don't feel I should have to pay a full repair bill back to him when I'm paying the deductible to the insurance company and they "may or may not" raise his rates. I'm not in anyway saying I want them to raise his rates (I dont) and I even asked them to transfer the accident to my individual policy and they, the insurance, refused. Cozycottagelg- I am aware that the alimony for someone in my position sounds odd but due to certain issues he offered to pay a small amount of alimony and I was not going to say no.
RightThere Posted March 5, 2014 Posted March 5, 2014 It was a joint policy that I was insured on at the time of the accident. It's just unfortunate that the accident occurred on the last day I was on the policy. I'm not trying to take advantage of him but I don't feel I should have to pay a full repair bill back to him when I'm paying the deductible to the insurance company and they "may or may not" raise his rates. I'm not in anyway saying I want them to raise his rates (I dont) and I even asked them to transfer the accident to my individual policy and they, the insurance, refused. Agreed. The timing sucks, but it doesn't change the fact that you and him still shared a policy on the day of the accident. If the accident was the day after, different story. Feelings aside, the day of the accident means everything. 1
Author michele4 Posted March 5, 2014 Author Posted March 5, 2014 RightThere- I completely agree. I thought it was crazy that my insurance (because it is the same company) would suggest that. I feel bad that it happened but yes I was insured under that policy on that day. If it was the next day he would not even have any involvement or knowledge because it would at that point have nothing to do with him
carhill Posted March 5, 2014 Posted March 5, 2014 The insurance thing is business. If you were insured on a policy at the time of the accident, that policy covers you. If you have any issues, a call to the insurance commissioner's office in your state should direct the insurer to do the right thing, since the government controls their license to do business in your state. As far as the alimony, you can order his wages garnisheed. It's a pretty simple process, though at a cost. I hope you're reporting the alimony as income with the IRS, since he's surely taking it as a deduction. Sorry about your issues. When my exW and I got divorced, there was a lot of financial and business stuff to unwind and there's always challenges but they work out eventually. One step at a time. Good luck.
dumped2013 Posted March 5, 2014 Posted March 5, 2014 RightThere- I completely agree. I thought it was crazy that my insurance (because it is the same company) would suggest that. I feel bad that it happened but yes I was insured under that policy on that day. If it was the next day he would not even have any involvement or knowledge because it would at that point have nothing to do with him Sounds like he is putting pressure on the insurance company. I had house insurance with company A until May 2013. I then changed to company B. This Fall I noticed there were a bunch of neighbors getting new roofs. I had a roofing company come out and look at mine. Come to find out that there was hail damage from a storm that came through in April 2013. Insurance A paid since they had the coverage at the time of the storm.
Author michele4 Posted March 5, 2014 Author Posted March 5, 2014 Thank you everyone for the responses! carhill- hopefully it doesn't get to the point where I would have to call the insurance commissioner's office. Although the divorce was not amicable I chose not to garnish his wages so we could keep some form of civility. I will keep track of the situation and if the issue continues then look into the wage garnishment. I'm sorry to hear that you had to go through business/financial issues but I hope you've worked them out. Dumped2013- In your roofing scenario I completely agree that company A should have to pay so in this instance my policy 'A' as it were needs to cover it and once the car is fixed be done with it. 1
dumped2013 Posted March 5, 2014 Posted March 5, 2014 Exactly, the same way the joint policy should cover the wreck. Your ex is probably bitching at the insurance company. Just stand your ground. You paid the deductible so screw the ex. You might even think about getting other quotes on your insurance so y'all are not with the same company.
Author michele4 Posted March 5, 2014 Author Posted March 5, 2014 If he is I think that would be somewhat ridiculous of him but oh well. I will definitely stand my ground as there is no way I'm paying full cost for a "possible" rate raise. I would prefer to have different companies however I absolutely love this company and the service it (usually) provides but if this continues to be an issue I'll reconsider.
2sunny Posted March 5, 2014 Posted March 5, 2014 Have the court order served to his workplace - then they are obligated to cut your check before they pay him. They send it directly to you. It takes any hassle with him out of the equation.
RightThere Posted March 5, 2014 Posted March 5, 2014 Have the court order served to his workplace - then they are obligated to cut your check before they pay him. They send it directly to you. It takes any hassle with him out of the equation. I think they are only required to do that if you get a judgement for garnishment. Different from just having a court order to pay alimony.
carhill Posted March 5, 2014 Posted March 5, 2014 One possibility, if the 'employee' is also a whole or part owner in the business and the business handles cash, is the sheriff could do a till tap. I've seen this done both at banks and businesses where a judgment has gone unresolved. Get one shot to clean them out, up to the judgment amount. Pretty cool. OP, one aspect to address is documentation of the arrears in alimony. Create a separate file for all of that stuff, deposits, canceled checks, EFT's, etc, including any demand letters with proof of delivery. One way to catch him up is if he gets 'creative' with his alimony deduction and yours and his numbers don't match up. The computer might catch that in a cross check and create nice audit opportunity. If you have your documentation in order, next stop is him. Heh.... Hope for the best and plan for the rest. Oh, and yeah my exW and I settled all that stuff out....we've been D'd over 3 years now. Her second ex paid her alimony like clockwork, with it ending when we got married. Good guy. CPA. Hope things get worked out for you.
Author michele4 Posted March 6, 2014 Author Posted March 6, 2014 I don't feel the need to get his work involved unless he starts to refuse to pay (and he owns no part of the business where he works) Carhill- I'm sorry for not understanding but how could he get "creative" with his alimony deduction? (although quite honestly I did all the banking and paid all the bills during the relationship so finances are not his forte)
carhill Posted March 6, 2014 Posted March 6, 2014 Simple: He can claim (yes, illegal!) for money not being paid, though 'owed'. If the computer doesn't catch the discrepancy between his return and yours, winner. If it does, and you don't have the documentation to prove it, both parties get examined, and it can turn into 'he said, she said'. Now, I don't know what kind of money we're talking about but I do recall when my exW was getting alimony from her second husband, it was like a month's rent or a mortgage payment, so not insubstantial. Depending on income bracket, short term windfall. In my exW's case, her H could've cleared 350/400 per month in tax savings on such a deal. Of course he never would have done that since he's a CPA!. Right? Absolutely not. That said, I've seen nearly everything looking at credit reports and being business nearly 30 years. People don't always do the right thing and here we have a man who's not paying his alimony and giving 'reasons' when you call him on it, apparently. Doesn't sound too cooperative to me! Here's another example. Past ladyfriend, knew her about 25 years, gets divorced with two kids and gets a child support order and property settlement. Well, H (yep, knew him) had a nice ranch and that was his income and there were no wages to garnish so ladyfriend ended up, for awhile anyway, on welfare and EBT! All the while her H was farming, buying new tractors and collecting nice crop payments and subsidies while the kids suffered! If half of what the kids (adults at that point) told me was true, it was bad! Last I heard, he owed over 20K in arrears on the CS plus her settlement. I was trying to hook her up with my lawyer since her decree had a legal fees clause in it but she wouldn't do it! That's how some people are. It's not always men but usually men are the ones who pay alimony/child support so most of the problems are men. Hey, try something that really works for me with my tenants. I always tell them, I'm real flexible about how they pay me, but pay me on time! If that means sending the rent via credit card payment, OK! I don't care. Just pay! Also, it's a heck of a lot easier to garnishee someone's wages than to evict them. Still, planting the seed of timely payment works. Food for thought if he doesn't start putting his money where his 'reasons' are. Good luck!
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