Hopeful30 Posted March 4, 2014 Posted March 4, 2014 A week ago, I broke up with a man I was seeing for about 5 months. I'm not too heartbroken and I'm much happier out of the relationship, and although our break up is recent, we are still very friendly and civil as we still need to work together for some business projects. I'm starting to realize that although I've grieved the end of the relationship and cried everything out, I still hold lots of resentment towards him. I have this resentment because I was AMAZING to him, and he couldn't return the courtesy. I was always the adult, trying to work things out, being mature and reasonable, and he was like a 5 year old. Basically I just resent that I put in so much effort and heart, and he was just "Ok, I understand" when I told him I wanted to break up. Any advice on how to let go of this resentment? Just that I've never been with a guy who was so (excuse my language) f*cked up, and I truly tried to help him and be there for him but he made it so difficult, so I eventually ended the relationship because his issues were getting in the way. And now I'm resentful cuz I did so much for him and he can't even be a man about it. Even as friends when I try to help him talk through some stuff, he just calls me insecure and asks why I'm asking these questions. I've since stopped, because obviously everyone in the world is wrong except him, and this continues to irritate me.
Weallwalkthelongroad Posted March 4, 2014 Posted March 4, 2014 I also hold quite a bit of resentment towards my ex. I've come to the realization that some people out there really just don't care. As harsh as that sounds, I've learned to accept it as truth. 1
Zahara Posted March 4, 2014 Posted March 4, 2014 Just that I've never been with a guy who was so (excuse my language) f*cked up, and I truly tried to help him and be there for him but he made it so difficult, so I eventually ended the relationship because his issues were getting in the way. And now I'm resentful cuz I did so much for him and he can't even be a man about it. Well, OP -- YOU chose to invest that time in him. It was your decision to help him even when you knew he was f'd up and giving you a hard time when you were helping him. It isn't his responsibility to appreciate you, because if he's f'd up, I doubt if he can comprehend the concept. Granted we all should appreciate those that help us, but you were expecting it from the wrong person. Next time, make sure there is a balance. Make sure it's reciprocal. If you're the one always giving, and receiving nothing, at some point resentment will grow -- but at that point it your fault for allowing it.
Author Hopeful30 Posted March 4, 2014 Author Posted March 4, 2014 Well, OP -- YOU chose to invest that time in him. It was your decision to help him even when you knew he was f'd up and giving you a hard time when you were helping him. It isn't his responsibility to appreciate you, because if he's f'd up, I doubt if he can comprehend the concept. Granted we all should appreciate those that help us, but you were expecting it from the wrong person. Next time, make sure there is a balance. Make sure it's reciprocal. If you're the one always giving, and receiving nothing, at some point resentment will grow -- but at that point it your fault for allowing it. The moment I realized he was unappreciative and there was an imbalance is the moment I broke up with him. There wasn't any "make sure its reciprocal". Everything was until his issues came out later on. It's not like I was the only one in the relationship. You're assuming I was a doormat. This isn't the case.
Zahara Posted March 4, 2014 Posted March 4, 2014 (edited) The moment I realized he was unappreciative and there was an imbalance is the moment I broke up with him. There wasn't any "make sure its reciprocal". Everything was until his issues came out later on. It's not like I was the only one in the relationship. You're assuming I was a doormat. This isn't the case. Well, the way you worded your post made it sound as if you spent all 5 months investing in helping him through his issues. When his issues came up later? When did he turn? 1 week before the break-up? Two weeks? Three weeks? When did your realization happen? Did you realize he was doing it all through the 5 months or when he suddenly became this f'd up person just before the break-up? When you are building towards a relationship with someone, there has to be give and take from the start. If there isn't, then there is an imbalance. If there was no reciprocating after 5 months or within those 5 months of being with you, then the red flag should have come up a lot sooner. I never called you a doormat nor did I assume it. Edited March 4, 2014 by Zahara
Zahara Posted March 4, 2014 Posted March 4, 2014 Even as friends when I try to help him talk through some stuff, he just calls me insecure and asks why I'm asking these questions. And you broke up with him -- reason being that he was f'd up and that you didn't want to deal with his issues -- and even after resenting the fact that he didn't value you as a partner, you went on to be his friend to help him again with his issues. It's good that you stopped doing this. I believe that you did it to get some sort of validation from him. You're not going to get it. He has shown you time and time again that he doesn't have it in him to appreciate all that you do. 1
Author Hopeful30 Posted March 4, 2014 Author Posted March 4, 2014 And you broke up with him -- reason being that he was f'd up and that you didn't want to deal with his issues -- and even after resenting the fact that he didn't value you as a partner, you went on to be his friend to help him again with his issues. It's good that you stopped doing this. I believe that you did it to get some sort of validation from him. You're not going to get it. He has shown you time and time again that he doesn't have it in him to appreciate all that you do. We remained friends for business purposes, otherwise I would have no reasons to stay in touch. But I suppose you're right. I'm looking for some appreciation at least and I'm not gonna get it. Doesn't answer my question though. How can I help let go of the resentment?
Zahara Posted March 4, 2014 Posted March 4, 2014 (edited) We remained friends for business purposes, otherwise I would have no reasons to stay in touch. But I suppose you're right. I'm looking for some appreciation at least and I'm not gonna get it. Doesn't answer my question though. How can I help let go of the resentment? It's fine that you remained civil with a colleague due to business purposes, but there was no reason to continue helping him through his stuff and it was good that you stopped it. Letting go of that resentment isn't going to happen overnight. You've taken steps to stop from providing him support that you think he needs. That's a first step. Just talk to him when you need to about work and nothing more. No idle chit chat. Just like any other break-up, we all feel resentment and in order to break away from negative feelings, we have to cut contact. Seeing you work together -- limited contact -- talk only about work and nothing more. The less he triggers you, the faster you move forward. If your break-up is still fresh you are going to keep ruminating on it. There is no quick-fix. You have this nagging expectation of him and that is why you feel cheated and you keep chewing at it. The thing is, he's f'd up. You have to accept that your resentment is misplaced when you are dealing with someone that probably doesn't even know that he's doing wrong. You're looking at what's right from your eyes, and placing that expectation on him. You have to stop that. The next time you start feeling anger/resentment, stop yourself and ask yourself why -- when you know who and what he is. Let that expectation go and accept him for who he is. You had the courage to leave the relationship. Most would have stayed and put up with it. Try to focus on what you believe you need to work on -- specifically as to why you require validation from someone like this. Maybe if you turned the focus around on you and work on coming to terms on why you did what you did and why, you'll be able to let go of this a lot sooner. Take consolation in being the bigger and better person that you were in trying to help him. Not everyone is going to appreciate what we do for them, and when we don't receive appreciation, it isn't a reflection on us, it's a reflection on them. Edited March 4, 2014 by Zahara 2
Author Hopeful30 Posted March 5, 2014 Author Posted March 5, 2014 ^ Thank you. I needed to hear this. Some things you mentioned are inaccurate but I appreciate the overall sentiment. *sigh* I was so happy being single before he came along, and he had to come and disrupt that
stillafool Posted March 5, 2014 Posted March 5, 2014 Basically I just resent that I put in so much effort and heart, and he was just "Ok, I understand" when I told him I wanted to break up. What did you want him to do and say? Any advice on how to let go of this resentment? Forgive him in your heart and try to be glad you didn't waste more time on a relationship that was going nowhere. Just that I've never been with a guy who was so (excuse my language) f*cked up, and I truly tried to help him and be there for him but he made it so difficult, so I eventually ended the relationship because his issues were getting in the way. He's a grown man it is't your job to try to help him unless he asks for it. And now I'm resentful cuz I did so much for him and he can't even be a man about it. What does that mean "he won't be a man about it", about what? Even as friends when I try to help him talk through some stuff, he just calls me insecure and asks why I'm asking these questions. I've since stopped, because obviously everyone in the world is wrong except him, and this continues to irritate me. What did you want him to talk about? The relationship? That's because it's over and I think he is glad also. He may not like that you were trying to change his life. You cannot be his friend because you are still emotionally attached to him. You can only be friends with him when you feel indifference towards him.
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