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Update to "Resentful to ex fiancee after leaving him over 3 years ago"


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Posted

Please help I'm miserable. I screwed up, I admit it. And I've screwed up more since my last post.

 

I found out the bar he was going to be at Saturday. I felt I should give him the closure he needed so I went with my best friend and her husband, omg it was a mess. I also needed to get him out of my head as well. A couple of people said to find him and when you see him you'll hate him all over again...I had to try, I couldn't get him out of my head.

 

I went up to him and sat at a stool next to him, he was with some friends. He looked amazing, he smelled amazing...he fixed his teeth! They were screwed up how did he afford that!?!?!

 

I sat near him and was nice, polite..i went to hug him in a friendly way and he just backed away, he just said don't touch me. I brought up the 10 years we spent together..he just kept saying to go to the other side of the bar. I finally got him to talk to me, I brought up what may have went wrong..all he said to me was that it took him a long time but realized that he was no longer angry and he realized that it wasn't personal and that I was incapable of being faithful to anyone, that was a mean and horrible thing to say. I tried giving him the engagement ring he spent 2 years trying to get back, he took it to the front door and threw it into the street, he said fetch! I could never think he would be so mean! After that he ordered a shot, I never saw him do that before..he must be an alcoholic he didnt even flinch

 

2 girls helped me find the ring and when I tried getting back in the bouncer wouldn't let me back in, i tried explaining things to him and asked him if he was taking his side, he said he wasn't taking anyone's side but I had to go and to contact management if i had a complaint, the couple I went there with...her husband is a cop but the bouncer threw all of us out.

 

Now I feel absolutely miserable. I broke it off with my current fiancee and I admit it, he was a revenge engagement, i admit it..i had to do the right thing there for him, he's a sweetheart.

 

I have not been to work since friday, I have barely slept...I feel like someone took my ex and took over his soul, no way anyone can be that evil..this has to be a nightmare

 

Please don't judge me or be mean, I'm sorry, I screwed up, I should have been there for him. I just don't want him to hate me so much, it really hurts. He wouldn't return my calls and blocked my number. I just want to be forgiven...and yes I want him back.

 

I made a stupid mistake. I was hurt, he wasn't paying attention to me. I should have let him gone to the psychiatrist instead of telling him not to go. I'm admitting all of my faults I'm not defending any of them. Please someone give me sound advice, don't be mean...I can't take it. It physically has me sick to my stomach.

 

Help please, its been going on almost a month and it gets worse every day

Posted

the only advice i can give you is move on as he has. you crushed him, broke his heart. you were in a new relationship. he did what any sane person would do and moved on from you.

 

now you must do the same, do not contact him. move on with your life.

Posted

Why would you continue to talk to him at the bar if he clearly didn't want to? You said you want forgiveness and a second chance, but he doesn't have to want that. He doesn't have to forgive you, and he never has to speak to you again if he doesn't want to. I mean, you had a revenge engagement and wrecked someone else's life too. You need to stay single for awhile and figure yourself out.

 

To sum it up: you cheated on first ex, broke his heart, had a revenge engagement, probably broke his heart, and are now surprised that first ex wants nothing to do with you. We all make mistakes, but you've gotta take some responsibility. Work on yourself.

Posted

I doubt very much you are going to get him back. You should have learned a very powerful lesson from all of this and I hope you have. Please leave him alone now because any further contact with him is going to make him hate you. Just move on and I agree you need to be alone for a while before you enter into another relationship.

Posted (edited)

I wonder if who he is now is an image of the "boyfriend" you always wanted or had in your head. I'm sure most girls want a nice smelling, great teeth, sharp dressing, life of the party -- The Most Interesting Man In The World boyfriend. He was probably quite the opposite when you dated him. So, now you are smitten with that image, rather than him. I have a feeling your need to reconnect with the ex stems more from bitterness, envy, greed rather than legitimate feelings of love and care.

 

The best thing for you to do is to stand through this alone, grieve and heal from this. It would be best for you to see a professional to help you sort yourself out. Your choices and your actions have not only hurt you, but worst of all it has hurt others. You had two relationships -- your ex which you now claim is what you want -- you destroyed by stepping out of it. Then you had a sweetheart of a man and you used him for your own personal agenda. You can't keep doing this and you need to figure yourself out before you allow anyone else into your life again.

 

Stay away from men. Stay away from relationships. Seek therapy and work through this on your own without using guys again as crutches/revenge, etc.

 

Your ex has moved on. I don't believe there is any hope with that. He's a different person now, with different needs and wants and a complete new outlook on life. You are his past, and righfully so for him to keep you there. You have to accept that and start working on yourself. If you do the work, you allow yourself the opportunity to love again and to be with someone for all the right reasons.

Edited by Zahara
  • Like 1
Posted

I have to agree here. Nothing good is going to come from contact with your ex.

 

You have to move on.

 

That is the only thing that is going to ease your pain.

  • Like 1
Posted

I don't think your ex has moved on at all, otherwise, he wouldn't have become so angry and emotional at your presence. I can only guess, but it seems he is still working through issues as a result of the BU, and seeing you only added fuel to his fire. He probably wants to get over you, was making progress, and all of a sudden, you insert yourself back into his life. I can see how he would become angry at the sight of you. You should not have approached him. You did it for selfish reasons... and like others have said... leave him alone, work on yourself. He probably feels any progress he made in getting over you has set him back. You know you screwed up, now do the right thing and let him be.

Posted (edited)
I felt I should give him the closure he needed

 

And Tina, what made you believe that HE needed closure from you? This wasn't about what he needed, it was about what you wanted. From your last thread, you stated in 2009-2010 his depression hit and you couldn't bear with it so you left. It's been a few years that you ended and suddenly now you want to give him closure that HE needs? It would be one thing isf he asked for it, but to feel so entitled and make the call that he needs it? Just be honest. You went there to stir his emotions, to get a reaction, to see if he would fall all over for you.

 

Straight with you -- you have a very strong sense of entitlement. You do things to suit your agenda and you don't care if it hurts others. You see no one else around you but yourself. It was selfish of you to present yourself when you felt you wanted something but in those years that you left, I'm sure not once in your mind you felt the need to give him closure. Instead you dug at his wound and went about with revenge engagement.

 

Please stay away from him. You are no good to him this way and certainly no good to yourself. Please seek help and get yourself figured out.

Edited by Zahara
  • Like 3
Posted

He's gone, you need to accept it. Tracking him down at a bar after 3 years to give him mythical closure just makes you look like a crazy person.

Posted

Come on.

 

You expect him to accept an engagement ring from you after cheating on him? He was begging for you two to get back together. He was probably humiliated and lost a tonne of self-esteem in the process.

 

He had no other option but to move on and became a better man and sadly you're out of the picture now.

 

Like you said you made a choice and now you have to pay the consequences.

 

Block him off FB and whatever other social media and continue with your life and for his and your sake don't contact him again because chances are if you do get back together, (which is almost impossible) it will only be temporarily.

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