jabbles Posted March 4, 2014 Posted March 4, 2014 Hey. I really could use some advice. My boyfriend of about 2 years or so and I just broke up on Saturday. I guess he broke up with me, but I don’t think that was his initial intention, and we were both just discussing problems we have been having, and the conversation sort of steered that way. He moved away for grad school several hours away. We are both extremely busy. We have been planning on my moving there, but things have been hard with the distance. When we broke up he told me he still loves me more than anyone and trusts me more than anyone, he just worries that marriage and a family won’t happen as quickly as I would like and he doesnt want me to be bitter. That if we were near each other, he would be willing to try to work through things, but he feels guilty and worries what would happen if things dont work out and I move out there. I was kind of a wreck, like unable to keep it together on skype when this all went down. Ive tried talking to him and making him let me just come see him, because I already had a plane ticket and plans to see each other for spring break, and told him I would still move out there and I am willing to be flexible for someone I love to follow their dreams. He just keeps saying things werent working with the distance and he knows its hard. When we broke up he said this may be one of the biggest mistakes he will ever make and had a long long pause,he was crying.(we were on skype). Then the other night when I told him I dont want to give up, and what if it is one of the biggest mistakes ever, he said staying together could be too, he just doesnt know what to say. He got me a silkboard filled with pictures of us for christmas. I had to take it off the wall, because I cant stand to look at it. He also got be a really beautiful silver necklace of the molecule oxytocin (the "love" hormone, we are both pretty nerdy). All time times weve had rough patches so far he just kept saying he knows it is hard but that we love each other so much and are so good together that it is all worth it. He was reassuring me when I had doubts. I feel like ive botched it pretty good, and he has to know im sort of falling apart,but just last week he told me to get my RN license there so it would be easier when applying for jobs. Is it still possible for a period of no contact to do some good for me. to work for me? Is it foolish for me to respond to job offers out there if they are something I am really interested in (as I have already applied to several)? Would it be absolutely foolish of me to consider still moving out there, or would that make me look just desperate,as he said he would want to try to work things out if we lived near each other sometime again(because I mentioned that I was interested in travel nursing when I was able experience wise to him, which is when he said that.) Sorry this was so long. I am sort of lost. I can start with period of no contact to give us some time to gather thoughts.., I just wonder if it is too late now, and if it would just seem like a farce you think .. Sorry this is so long.I'm really sort of a lost mess right now. Im just trying to keep myself from trying to talk to him.
ExpatInItaly Posted March 4, 2014 Posted March 4, 2014 Ouch, sorry to hear this OP. I can imagine it must be very painful. My honest thoughts are that he's already checked out of the relationship and trying to soften the blow for you. He keeps giving you reasons why it won't work rather than trying to find a way to keep the relationship together. He even told you that he is scared that if you did move, it wouldn't work. He's also said staying together could be a big mistake. Sadly, these are not the words of someone who wants to continue with you. I think it would not be wise to pursue job offers his area at this time. He isn't giving you enough indication that he'd want to rekindle a relationship if you lived nearby. Think about it: he's giving you far more indications that it's over for him. I know he said it'd be easier if you lived in that area, but once you offered to move there, he somewhat recanted his position. That says a lot, in my opinion. If you got a job there, you'd be surrounded by constant reminders of him. You'd very likely be holding out hope that he'd come back. Imagine the heartache. If I may ask, what were the problems leading up to this? Did you see it coming at all? 2
Author jabbles Posted March 4, 2014 Author Posted March 4, 2014 I didnt really see it coming. The problems were just not getting to talk to each other very often because I started working third shift and he is just really busy (he is in a Phd program.) And as I said, up up until saturday, even days before, he was sending me links to bed and breakfasts he wanted to check out ect for our break next week. The problems really have all come out of the distance. He still kept saying he was really looking forward to me coming out. The v day card he sent me he wrote about how he dreams about and cant wait until we get our own place, and what it would be like together. You really think I should just give up..? I really feel like we will both be losing something we really want...this just sucks so bad....
ExpatInItaly Posted March 4, 2014 Posted March 4, 2014 I didnt really see it coming. The problems were just not getting to talk to each other very often because I started working third shift and he is just really busy (he is in a Phd program.) And as I said, up up until saturday, even days before, he was sending me links to bed and breakfasts he wanted to check out ect for our break next week. The problems really have all come out of the distance. He still kept saying he was really looking forward to me coming out. The v day card he sent me he wrote about how he dreams about and cant wait until we get our own place, and what it would be like together. You really think I should just give up..? I really feel like we will both be losing something we really want...this just sucks so bad.... You really want it. He, evidently, doesn't. I know that sounds very harsh, but if he truly wanted this, he wouldn't have ended the relationship. I just re-read your first post. You say you have a plane ticket to go out there - what does he expect you to do with that? Can you get a refund, or..? I also find it rather suspect that he was still interested and sending you links to places to visit and then completely changed his tune within days. If he'd been distant for a while, it might make more sense. But he was eager up until this past weekend? Something is off there, OP. What did he say when you questioned him about that?
Author jabbles Posted March 4, 2014 Author Posted March 4, 2014 the thing is I really think he is just worried about me not being happy. I dont think he believes me that I would be okay with plans changing,and he worries that the move would effect my career negatively. he said he would pay me for my ticket. He also said now that we arent going somewhere he may come home to visit family(here) and that if he does he would let me know. He also said he may just decide to just focus on work to help him not think about things. Like I said, when things havent been going well he has been the one telling me he knows this is hard but when we are together we are amazing and that it is all worth the struggle.
TAV Posted March 4, 2014 Posted March 4, 2014 I didnt really see it coming. The problems were just not getting to talk to each other very often because I started working third shift and he is just really busy (he is in a Phd program.) And as I said, up up until saturday, even days before, he was sending me links to bed and breakfasts he wanted to check out ect for our break next week. The problems really have all come out of the distance. He still kept saying he was really looking forward to me coming out. The v day card he sent me he wrote about how he dreams about and cant wait until we get our own place, and what it would be like together. You really think I should just give up..? I really feel like we will both be losing something we really want...this just sucks so bad.... Sorry to hear about your ordeal jabbles. It's obvious you are devastated and rightly so. So you were always able to keep close contact till you started working third shift? Do you think he was lonely, felt neglected, maybe afraid you were moving on without him (even if that feeling is totally unjustified)? Has he always been honest with you about how he felt? He did not have a habit of saying what you wanted to hear before? How good an actor is he? I find his sudden change of heart very strange. Unless you missed a few signs before because you were too busy? I get the feeling from your post that 'others' were not an issue in your relationship so I guess him doing something he shouldn't have and the subsequent guilt is not a cause of this? I think a time out to reflect is good for both of you but I'm not sure if I agree that you have to give up at this point. If only for your own mourning process you have too many question marks left to find peace of mind anytime soon. You need to have at least one more conversation with him.
ExpatInItaly Posted March 4, 2014 Posted March 4, 2014 Did he actually tell you he's afraid for your job prospects and you not being happy, and that's why he's ending it? For now, you need to listen to him. Whatever his reason is, at this moment, the relationship is over. Don't try to find reasons, don't over-analyze, justify or rationalize it. This will drive you (and probably him) crazy and only make you spin your wheels. He's getting a PhD - he's a smart guy. If he wanted to find a way to make the relationship work, he would. He's not there now. He may in fact come back to it, but speaking as someone who's been the on the giving and receiving end of very similar words, you do need to try to heal instead of holding out hope right now. I hate to put it out there, and believe me I know it's the last thing you want to consider, but is there a possibility that someone else is in the picture on his end? His change in position seems rather sudden, especially given that he knew you were planning a trip there.
Author jabbles Posted March 4, 2014 Author Posted March 4, 2014 Did he actually tell you he's afraid for your job prospects and you not being happy, and that's why he's ending it? For now, you need to listen to him. Whatever his reason is, at this moment, the relationship is over. Don't try to find reasons, don't over-analyze, justify or rationalize it. This will drive you (and probably him) crazy and only make you spin your wheels. He's getting a PhD - he's a smart guy. If he wanted to find a way to make the relationship work, he would. He's not there now. He may in fact come back to it, but speaking as someone who's been the on the giving and receiving end of very similar words, you do need to try to heal instead of holding out hope right now. I hate to put it out there, and believe me I know it's the last thing you want to consider, but is there a possibility that someone else is in the picture on his end? His change in position seems rather sudden, especially given that he knew you were planning a trip there. I did not ask, but he told me explicitly that there is on one else, and no one else he has known in a new place would make him not want to be with me. That he trusts me more than he has ever trusted anyone else, and that I know more about him than anyone else(he is a very VERY private person, he used to get really nervous about a lot of stupid things, and I always told him not to worry, he says all the time he feels for comfortable with me that anyone has has ever known) He did say he was worried how it would affect my career. I wish I had the right words then, I was really just extremely overwhelmed and hurting and confused really. He is in a Phd program and has already completed his PharmD. He wants to be involved in consulting and research, he is just starting to understand the industry more and thinks it may involve working out of the country ect and just thinks that I wouldnt be okay with that, or wouldnt want to put me through that. I think you are right. I think maybe some quiet time for both of us could be good. He completed his pharmd and masters in pharmaceutical sciences in 6 years (which is sort of insane, credit wise) he said that without us he will likely bury himself in work and focus on his research.
Author jabbles Posted March 4, 2014 Author Posted March 4, 2014 no one ever wants to believe me but, he is really just a very good honest person. I think if there were someone, he would tell me. He is an eagle scout, never done drugs, rarely drinks, raised on a farm by a single mother (who really loves me btw, and Im really sad that Im losing her too). I sincerely do not see him being deceptive. That was always something he stressed to me, his firm stance on honestly, even before we were dating. He is the kind of guy who holds doors for old ladies and caries things for them if he sees them carrying something heavy. He is just a real gentleman. Not many like him around anymore. I miss him so much and I hate this...I will give him some space for now though, it's just so hard.
ExpatInItaly Posted March 4, 2014 Posted March 4, 2014 no one ever wants to believe me but, he is really just a very good honest person. I think if there were someone, he would tell me. He is an eagle scout, never done drugs, rarely drinks, raised on a farm by a single mother (who really loves me btw, and Im really sad that Im losing her too). I sincerely do not see him being deceptive. That was always something he stressed to me, his firm stance on honestly, even before we were dating. He is the kind of guy who holds doors for old ladies and caries things for them if he sees them carrying something heavy. He is just a real gentleman. Not many like him around anymore. I miss him so much and I hate this...I will give him some space for now though, it's just so hard. Who doesn't want to believe you? I don't mean to read too much into one single comment, but what do you mean by that?
Author jabbles Posted March 4, 2014 Author Posted March 4, 2014 I mean that people I work with , who have never met him ect. Friends of mine you don't know him well. People are jaded; they don't seem to have an easy time believe there are still genuine people. People at work would say stuff like that all the time "how do you do long distance, dont you wonder if he is seeing someone else , ect" I would tell them, no I don't.
FitChick Posted March 5, 2014 Posted March 5, 2014 Get the money now while he is feeling guilty. If things improve later you can always buy another plane ticket. What you don't want to happen is him to meet someone else when he's lonely and vulnerable and spend the money at a romantic b'n'b with her. It's his decision to end it so he has to pay, literally, the consequences.
ExpatInItaly Posted March 5, 2014 Posted March 5, 2014 Get the money now while he is feeling guilty. If things improve later you can always buy another plane ticket. What you don't want to happen is him to meet someone else when he's lonely and vulnerable and spend the money at a romantic b'n'b with her. It's his decision to end it so he has to pay, literally, the consequences. I agree with this, too. He knew you were coming and then suddenly changed his mind. Take him up on his offer to pay for that ticket.
Author jabbles Posted March 6, 2014 Author Posted March 6, 2014 I dont care about money all that much, and a stipend isnt much (what he lives off of). I sincerely think he is really just worried and confused. He explained as much as he doesn't know what to do because he knows the distance has been hard on us and is worried about things getting ugly. we havent talked much since everything happened but he just randomly texted me last night saying i love you. Im just trying to focus myself I guess...work on bettering myself for now...I think it's really possibly we will hopefully work things out...
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