Breaking Up with BPD/NPD

[KaliLove]

I am 99% certain that my ex has Borderline Personality Disorder mixed with Narcissistic Personality Disorder. I got sucked in by the NPD charm..he hid his true self for a year and a half before I saw the real him.

 

I am pretty much over him at this point. I spent a year and a half with him and then another 2 years 'dating' him and trying to get back the guy I met and fell in love with.

 

We do talk occasionally but it's actually a good thing because every time I speak to him, he shows me a little more about himself and about why I shouldn't be with him. I genuinely have no desire to be in a relationship with this man anymore..I guess I still speak to him because I occasionally need that reassurance that I don't want him back. He gives it to me! He reminds me what I am NOT looking for in my next relationship.

 

I am in therapy..yes my therapist does know that I speak to him and she is supportive as long as it's helpful and not harmful..so far it seems to be helping.

 

I guess the point of my post is to see if anyone else has experience dating and/or breaking up with someone who has these disorders (or other mental illnesses) and how they dealt with it. I am pretty traumatized by the whole experience, though I'm beginning to be ok..I'm definitely more ok than I was when I was in the thick of it.

[Emilia]

I guess the point of my post is to see if anyone else has experience dating and/or breaking up with someone who has these disorders (or other mental illnesses) and how they dealt with it. I am pretty traumatized by the whole experience, though I'm beginning to be ok..I'm definitely more ok than I was when I was in the thick of it.

Yes, never had therapy for it, probably never will.

 

I cut him out of my life. I would advise you to do the same. Why keep damaging people close to you? Seems the wrong way to go.

[Zahara]

He reminds me what I am NOT looking for in my next relationship..

 

Talking to him every now and then shouldn't be what helps you realize you deserve better. You should know that within yourself that you deserve and seek better and you should ponder that time you had with him as a REMINDER as to what you do not want in your future.

 

It's a pretty sad statement to make in that you don't have enough value or have better and strong enough judgement in yourself to realize what's wrong and right for you, versus needing him to validate what you need and want for yourself.

Edited March 4, 2014 by Zahara

[KaliLove]

Emilia, I agree with you completely and I would NEVER advise anyone else to do what I am doing. I am lucky to have my therapist helping me through it. But people are only damaging if you allow them to be. He is not damaging me anymore. Talking to him is not keeping me attached, it's helping me detach. I feel good about my current choices.

 

He is, without knowing it, helping me get through the break up.

 

Zahara, I didn't post here to be called 'sad'. I acknowledge that I am damaged..not just by him but by a long, painful, and abusive childhood. That's why I am getting help. I think it requires good judgment and faith in oneself to be strong enough to realize you need help and to do something about it. I am proud of myself for that.

Edited March 4, 2014 by KaliLove

[Zahara]

Zahara, I didn't post here to be called 'sad'. I acknowledge that I am damaged..not just by him but by a long, painful, and abusive childhood. That's why I am getting help. I think it requires good judgment and faith in oneself to be strong enough to realize you need help and to do something about it. I am proud of myself for that.

 

I understand coming from an abusive childhood. Been there, done that. I understand being with narcissistic partners. Been there, done that.

 

It's great that you are proud of yourself for realizing that you require help to get to the other side. That also means coming to the realization that the first major step to doing that is removing and staying away from the people that put you where you are in the first place.

 

I've been to therapy more times than I care to remember and one of the major steps in starting over IS starting over without the people that hurt, abused and damaged you. Starting over becomes YOUR sole responsibility, yours alone, without the abuser as your crutch.

 

I'm sorry that the term "sad" offended you. I've been where you are and it's not beneficial in any way for a victim of abuse to keep engaging with their abuser. It's never helpful.

 

Good luck to you. I hope you come out stronger and better.

Edited March 4, 2014 by Zahara

[KaliLove]

Thank you. I have my therapist helping me through it and I know that at some point in the very near future, I will cut him out of my life completely.

 

I'd really rather not focus on that small aspect of my break up..I was looking for other people who has been with a BPD/NPD partner and what their experiences were and how they got through it.

[Strength in Healing]

My ex was borderline. Had narcissistic traits. She was bipolar as well.

 

Borderlines and bipolars can be EXCEPTIONALLY cruel. Which she was. She brought out the darkest side in me as well. I resisted for a long time, but eventually I fought fire with fire, and it turned nuclear on both sides.

 

I became part of the problem.

[Zahara]

Thank you. I have my therapist helping me through it and I know that at some point in the very near future, I will cut him out of my life completely.

 

I'd really rather not focus on that small aspect of my break up..I was looking for other people who has been with a BPD/NPD partner and what their experiences were and how they got through it.

 

I was in a relationship with two men that showed strong symptoms of NPD. The first thing that helped me get through it was to cut contact. The relationships were rollercoasters, mind games, self-esteem killers. I had to get myself into therapy after the second relationship and the first step was -- cut contact. I couldn't move forward if I didn't remove what was hurting me. If you and your therapist have a different way of dealing with this, then by all means it is your prerogative.

 

And if your ex hasn't been diagnosed by a therapist, confirming that he is BP/NP disordered, it would be best for you to just accept the situation as you being involved with someone that was emotionally and mentally unhealthy for you. Labels won't help you get through it, it won't lessen the pain, and most of all, it won't relieve you of your own responsibility for allowing yourself to be in a relationship that inflicted abuse on you. It was easier for me to justify staying and relieving myself of any accountability if I diagnosed him with a personality disorder. Labeling doesn't change anything.

 

Whether he is BPD/NPD or not, doesn't matter. What matters is focusing on your issues from your childhood and how to undo all that lifelong damage. Try to stop focusing on what he was because his symptoms are irrelevant to you now, but start focusing on you and working on yourself and the hurdles that you face.

Edited March 4, 2014 by Zahara

[JunkYardDog]

You are right Zahara and at the same time it doesnt take a diagnosis from a shrink to confirm or tell you that your partner is suffering from a cluster B disorder. There are way more of these people undiagnosed than diagnosed for one simple reason. They think they do not have a problem, just like the sex pistols used to sing....~the problem is YOU!~. So they cant get help from something they think they dont have.

 

The label isnt necessary, totally correct, whats necessary is having lived it and doing what needs to be done to fix things. However, this is by far much easier said than done. The way CB's (cluster b's) manipulate and con you into thinking you are loved when in fact you are nothing more than an object like a toaster really causes serious damage to people. You love someone who can not and does not have the ability to love you in return. When the toaster (you) stops working or starts burning bread its thrown away and a new one is sought after.

 

Relationships are all about one thing. Bonds. This is what we all yearn for, what is needed to secure intimacy, growth, love. But when one person is incapable of this, when their bond is superficial and only lies on the surface, problems arise. Big problems.

 

I am going through the same thing, my ex exhibited multiple signs of cluster b. Its a long, slow, tough road. Totally different from a normal break up. They have no empathy, no remorse and that just doesnt compute in the brain of non disordered people. It adds to the pain and prolongs things much farther and deeper than in a normal break up.

 

If NC ever were the best thing to do, this is the place and situation for it. The problem is that the conditioning that they did to you is so severe and confusing it makes NC even that much harder. Its life crack. You are addicted times ten when compared to a normal, healthy BU but it is the only way to get the toxins out. I feel for anyone so much who has or is going through this....I am and it aint no walk in the park, far from it.

[Zahara]

Well, I'm not qualified to diagnose someone, but I can certainly determine that there were symptoms that related to a personality disorder, therefore the possibility was present but it wasn't up to me to confirm a diagnosis.

 

When I went to my therapist, I was adamant about my ex having NPD. I relayed my relationship to her and she mentioned Passive Aggresive Personality Disorder, and the fine line between PAPD and NPD, etc. She also mentioned that he showed signs of Aspergers. She said that it was more likely while having symptoms of NPD, he was more likely suffering from PAPD or possibly even Aspergers Syndrome. In that sense, I realized that it takes a lot more to diagnose someone with a personality disorder than just going by symptoms and what you read in a book. It goes much deeper than that. In that sense, I realized that it was more beneficial for me to focus on my damage - my co-dependency.

 

Everything else you mentioned I agree with.

Edited March 4, 2014 by Zahara

[juicygirl]

Please cut contact and never looked back. I get what you mean about getting clarity on the situation. I had to stay in contact with my bipolar 1, narcissistic ex for the children's sake for a while and his new relationship and life seemed all perfect, happy which made me feel like everything all the problems of the past were me. One day he came to my house, and I saw his Facebook messages, turns out the relationship isn't has perfect as the Facebook fansty seems. I'm glad I saw the truth, because it helped me let go and see I did the right thing. When we broke up I was pregnant ,but sure it was the right thing,afterwards, maybe it was pregnancy hormone, but I started to question the decision that made. It didn't help that acts so great around other people,pretending to be perfect, even kind.

I was almost fooled, then he lost it with his family and I cut him off for good, and they finished realised why I left,(I wanted to say I told you so,but didn't):cool:. Unless he really gets professional help, stay away,because he'll make you sick. I cut off anyone who I feel to be toxic or have limited contact with them if family etc. Work on yourself, address any emotional issues so you never attracted that type of person again.

[erklat]

Yeah, somehow breaking up with someone with a personality disorder is

tougher than breaking with someone sane and stable.

 

Even though I probably have some traits and go through therapy, it hurts nevertheless.

 

They don't have to be diagnosed. You see their personality traits, you see their upbringin.

When someone comes from a dysfunctional family, he most likely has couple of those.

[Zahara]

They don't have to be diagnosed. .

 

This.

 

They don't need to be diagnosed for you to know that they're mentally and emotionally unhealthy. That's all you need to know -- and what should propel you to move forward.

 

And yes, toxic relationships are harder to leave. You are conditioned to such an extent that you lose all sense of right or wrong. Worst of all, you become an extension of your abuser.

Edited March 4, 2014 by Zahara

[JunkYardDog]

Well, I'm not qualified to diagnose someone, but I can certainly determine that there were symptoms that related to a personality disorder, therefore the possibility was present but it wasn't up to me to confirm a diagnosis.

 

When I went to my therapist, I was adamant about my ex having NPD. I relayed my relationship to her and she mentioned Passive Aggresive Personality Disorder, and the fine line between PAPD and NPD, etc. She also mentioned that he showed signs of Aspergers. She said that it was more likely while having symptoms of NPD, he was more likely suffering from PAPD or possibly even Aspergers Syndrome. In that sense, I realized that it takes a lot more to diagnose someone with a personality disorder than just going by symptoms and what you read in a book. It goes much deeper than that. In that sense, I realized that it was more beneficial for me to focus on my damage - my co-dependency.

 

Everything else you mentioned I agree with.

 

I agree with you too, it goes much much deeper. That is why they are called "Cluster B"....each individual exhibits traits of many of the disorders specific to them (NPD, BPD, ASPD, PAPD, APD) Sort of like a nut job fruit cake, lol.

 

Co dependents are a perfect fit for these people, the ultimate dance partner, however, just because you have been afflicted by them does not in fact mean that you are co dependent. I think I do have some co dependency as well which allowed the abuse to continue for as long as it did.

 

 

You have to remember.......They are master manipulators and can fool anyone.......shrink, judge, doctor....anyone, it doesnt matter.

[Zahara]

Co dependents are a perfect fit for these people, the ultimate dance partner, however, just because you have been afflicted by them does not in fact mean that you are co dependent. I think I do have some co dependency as well which allowed the abuse to continue for as long as it did.

 

You have to remember.......They are master manipulators and can fool anyone.......shrink, judge, doctor....anyone, it doesnt matter.

 

I didn't even know what co-dependency was until everything was unraveling at therapy. Stemmed from my childhood. I'm sure I have other issues too, could possibly be a fruitcake myself .

 

Yes, they are master manipulators. My therapist said that even if these people seek counseling, they end up manipulating the therapist. And even if change were to happen, they don't really change, they just manage their symptoms.

Edited March 4, 2014 by Zahara