brittneyfoster Posted March 4, 2014 Posted March 4, 2014 I've been dating this guy since the beginning of October, and he is a friend of my cousins. We hit it off immediately, and he has pretty much chased me from the beginning. He was affectionate with me, but neither of us discussed feelings, past relationships, or anything. He always came across a little awkward to me like he did some "yawn and put his hand around my chair" thing one night. He just seemed inexperienced kinda. It was like...nobody wanted to speak on it. We have a great time together. So in December, I finally asked him how he felt about me. He says "I like you." and I asked him "Why did it take you nearly three months to say that?" and he was like "I don't know. You don't tell me either. If I didn't like you, then I wouldn't have you over my house so much." and I told him "that means nothing but okay. So where is this going?" and he said "I'm just chillin right now." and I said "Cool. Well, if this isn't going anywhere then we can end it now." and he said "Well, we don't know where things will go though. I don't have a lot of experience with relationships, so I don't want to make any guarantees but the couple relationships that I had, we let things naturally progress into relationships and didn't put a date or time frame on anything". He said he could understand if I didn't want to continue with him, but he wanted to at least continue being friends. I told him I would pass on the friendship because I've got enough of those. It was during this conversation that he revealed that he had been and would continue to be exclusive(emotionally and intimately) with me and felt that it was the right thing to do to only be involved with one another. After giving it thought, I figured that he and I do get along well, he treats me well...so what's the harm in giving it more time to see what happens. Meanwhile, he was the one telling everyone in our immediate circle of friends that we were dating and talking when I hadn't told anyone. He's very good at listening to my issues and concerns as well and making changes to make me happy. Well, recently...we have hit a couple of hurdles. One being a close friend of mine, and my guy actually had to talk to the guy and make him apologize for hitting on me and disrespecting me. My guy also took issue with my being so close to him and hanging out with him as well, so I told him that I wouldn't hang out with my guy friends as much. For Valentines, he completely surprised me with a candlelit dinner, roses, a gift card, wine, movies, alcohol, and just everything. It was beautiful. Most recently, he has become more romantic with me, but we had a similar conversation, and he still says the same thing. I asked what would be different, and he said "nothing would be different between us really. just the name or commitment" and I said "Well, this is a problem because there is no commitment, so you are free to date whomever and so am I." and he says "No, I've told you before that I'm not looking for anyone else. I don't talk to or entertain other females because I don't want to. I'm happy where I'm at. I've told you that over and over. I'm not spending time, talking to, or doing anything else with anyone else. I am not looking!" and I'm like "Well, a title means security for me...that tomorrow you won't just walk away from everything" and he says "I've given you that and still am giving you that though. I can't say it enough. I'm good. I am not looking for anyone else. That's it." I told him that I didn't know, and he said he understood if I said I wanted it to be over since he couldn't give me what I wanted right now. He said "If you come to me tomorrow and say you met someone else, I couldn't be mad." However, it was only a day later that he got really pissed off when he saw my brother and his friends out, and he wanted to know if any of those guys have been trying to talk to me and that they probably hate on him because he's talking to me. After the conversation, I decided to fall back from him some. We talked every day, but I had decided in my head that I was going to pursue other people. Then, that Saturday night I ran into him into a night club where I was with my brother and his friends. My brother and his friends kept laughing because apparently my guy kept a watchful eye over me all night. He made several trips around to where my brother and I were at, and kind of made it known that he and I were "something". I paid him no attention although I was nice to him...I was giving him what he wanted. When we were leaving the club, he found me and wanted to talk. A few guys even tried to talk to me, and he quickly let them know that I was with him. Pretty much since that night, he has been different in a good way. We went on an awesome date last week. I've met the majority of his friends, and I've met all of his brothers. His oldest brother asked me months ago if we were going to be together, and I told him we would take it slow and see. His youngest brother has adopted me as his big sister, and he confided in me that his brother talks about me all the time, which is why he felt so comfortable with me. He told me not to say anything but that his brother hadn't had a girlfriend in about six years after his ex cheated on him. He said I was like one the first girls he has seen his brother with since then. In fact, their mom even knows about me, which I didn't think that she did. His brother even told me..."I didn't know ya'll weren't official because to my understanding of your relationship...you are together. I live with my brother, so I would know. I thought you were like officially boyfriend and girlfriend. Why do you think I feel so close to you? If you weren't anyone important, our relationship wouldn't be the way it is." This is not the first time that someone has told me something that my guy has told them about me, but he has not told me himself. So I can't figure out what his deal is. He tells me one thing...but acts completely different with me and he always tells other people more than he tells me.
TaraMaiden Posted March 4, 2014 Posted March 4, 2014 I'm probably wrong, but it looks to me as if he's over-playing the "I'm just being cautious" card.... It sounds like he feels 'tepid' about wanting you, but doesn't want anyone else to want you, either..... He's either got to 'up the ante' or shove off....
Author brittneyfoster Posted March 4, 2014 Author Posted March 4, 2014 (edited) I'm probably wrong, but it looks to me as if he's over-playing the "I'm just being cautious" card.... It sounds like he feels 'tepid' about wanting you, but doesn't want anyone else to want you, either..... He's either got to 'up the ante' or shove off.... Thanks for responding! Yeah, I've definitely tried walking away for other reasons, and I gave him the option a few weeks back to do the same. He's definitely become more emotional and sensitive with me in the last few weeks...which is completely different from the "tepid" response that I have gotten from him for months. I made a comment that I should have left him where I found him, and it seemed to really hurt his feelings because he's mentioned it several times...but I'm kinda like you "up the ante" or go home. He definitely confuses me because he recently applied for a job out town, and I asked what would happen to us. He said "Why do you think I've been applying to jobs locally first? But if I can't find anything...then we are still going to only be 2 hours away from each other, and that's a drive that I make all the time, so it changes nothing between us." and I was shocked considering...that's an awful big thing to say for someone that you are scared to call your girlfriend. Edited March 4, 2014 by brittneyfoster
Smthn_Like_Olivia Posted March 4, 2014 Posted March 4, 2014 I've seen a lot of these threads lately and I gotta say...I just don't get it?? What's the big deal about calling someone your gf/bf if you've already been dating awhile? These situations where they don't want to declare the relationship "exclusive", but say they're not looking for or seeing anyone else? And then don't want you to see anyone else either?? Isn't that what exclusivity is?? Maybe I'm getting old, but I didn't realize that labeling someone your gf/bf was such a big step?? You don't even need an attorney to end it should things not work out, no division of assets, no orders of support. What's the big deal?? 1
Author brittneyfoster Posted March 4, 2014 Author Posted March 4, 2014 I've seen a lot of these threads lately and I gotta say...I just don't get it?? What's the big deal about calling someone your gf/bf if you've already been dating awhile? These situations where they don't want to declare the relationship "exclusive", but say they're not looking for or seeing anyone else? And then don't want you to see anyone else either?? Isn't that what exclusivity is?? Maybe I'm getting old, but I didn't realize that labeling someone your gf/bf was such a big step?? You don't even need an attorney to end it should things not work out, no division of assets, no orders of support. What's the big deal?? -shrugs- I don't get it either. Lol.
TXGuy Posted March 4, 2014 Posted March 4, 2014 It seems to me you are being demanding and mean to him. I think you should break up with him cleanly so he can find someone who will treat him better and you can find someone better suited for what you want (whatever that is).
TaraMaiden Posted March 4, 2014 Posted March 4, 2014 It seems to me you are being demanding and mean to him. I think you should break up with him cleanly so he can find someone who will treat him better and you can find someone better suited for what you want (whatever that is). OP....? Don't even.......
Author brittneyfoster Posted March 4, 2014 Author Posted March 4, 2014 It seems to me you are being demanding and mean to him. I think you should break up with him cleanly so he can find someone who will treat him better and you can find someone better suited for what you want (whatever that is). Well, I certainly am NOT trying to be mean or demanding. How am I being that? I don't have to have a relationship right now, but I do want to know that he's not just wanting to waste my time and hurt me in the long run. That's basically it.
soccerrprp Posted March 4, 2014 Posted March 4, 2014 I've seen a lot of these threads lately and I gotta say...I just don't get it?? What's the big deal about calling someone your gf/bf if you've already been dating awhile? These situations where they don't want to declare the relationship "exclusive", but say they're not looking for or seeing anyone else? And then don't want you to see anyone else either?? Isn't that what exclusivity is?? Maybe I'm getting old, but I didn't realize that labeling someone your gf/bf was such a big step?? You don't even need an attorney to end it should things not work out, no division of assets, no orders of support. What's the big deal?? Smthn, It is not a big deal at all. People who refuse to say these simple, effortless words make it out to be more than they are. I also believe that it is a power thing. I mean, really. Some people don't want to have to say that they are gf/bf b/c of no other reason than they don't have to or shouldn't have to....I also believe people don't say it b/c they feel that that they are less BOUND in some concocted relationship legalese way by not saying it so they can walk and not feel as bad. 1
TXGuy Posted March 4, 2014 Posted March 4, 2014 Well, I certainly am NOT trying to be mean or demanding. How am I being that? I don't have to have a relationship right now, but I do want to know that he's not just wanting to waste my time and hurt me in the long run. That's basically it. By your own description, his actions show he is treating you very well. But you manage to find fault with him. For example, you asked if he liked you, he said yes, but still you gave him a hard time for not saying it unprompted. This despite the fact that he had demonstrated it the entire time (which is worlds more important than saying the words). Later he tells you he is and has been seeing no one but you. Here, you take the opportunity to tell him that you are both free to see other people, which is really a threat that you will. All your posts are riddled with unpleasantness against this guy who seems like a model boyfriend. If you don't see it, so be it. In any event, this guy is not giving you what you want and is unable to do so. Break things off with him.
TaraMaiden Posted March 4, 2014 Posted March 4, 2014 You don't get it, do you? Their meetings and contact are few and far between, and he seems to want to 'have a hold on her' but refuses to get drawn in on actually making the relationship 'official'. He doesn't want to be known as her BF, and doesn't want to refer to her as his GF. How would you explain that attitude?
Author brittneyfoster Posted March 4, 2014 Author Posted March 4, 2014 By your own description, his actions show he is treating you very well. But you manage to find fault with him. For example, you asked if he liked you, he said yes, but still you gave him a hard time for not saying it unprompted. This despite the fact that he had demonstrated it the entire time (which is worlds more important than saying the words). Later he tells you he is and has been seeing no one but you. Here, you take the opportunity to tell him that you are both free to see other people, which is really a threat that you will. All your posts are riddled with unpleasantness against this guy who seems like a model boyfriend. If you don't see it, so be it. In any event, this guy is not giving you what you want and is unable to do so. Break things off with him. When I told him that we were both free to see other people...that wasn't a threat...that was an issue for me because we are both technically single, and I don't want to see other people. I think he's a great guy, and I love being with him. I have just been and am fearful to let him completely in out of fear that he's going to hurt me.
Author brittneyfoster Posted March 4, 2014 Author Posted March 4, 2014 You don't get it, do you? Their meetings and contact are few and far between, and he seems to want to 'have a hold on her' but refuses to get drawn in on actually making the relationship 'official'. He doesn't want to be known as her BF, and doesn't want to refer to her as his GF. How would you explain that attitude? We see each other every week(sometimes a couple times a week) or go out on dates, and we talk every single day. What do you mean?
Smthn_Like_Olivia Posted March 4, 2014 Posted March 4, 2014 Smthn, It is not a big deal at all. People who refuse to say these simple, effortless words make it out to be more than they are. I also believe that it is a power thing. I mean, really. Some people don't want to have to say that they are gf/bf b/c of no other reason than they don't have to or shouldn't have to....I also believe people don't say it b/c they feel that that they are less BOUND in some concocted relationship legalese way by not saying it so they can walk and not feel as bad. I think you're right. It feels like an out to me or a "just in case" type thing - just in case they meet someone better or just in case they're no longer interested. It almost seems like a free pass or get out of jail free card, as in "whatever you're upset about is irrelevant because WE are not in a relationship and YOU are not my girlfriend". If there is legit time invested, this is just not something I would be able to swallow. Either get on board or get the hell off this train!
TXGuy Posted March 4, 2014 Posted March 4, 2014 When I told him that we were both free to see other people...that wasn't a threat...that was an issue for me because we are both technically single, and I don't want to see other people. I think he's a great guy, and I love being with him. I have just been and am fearful to let him completely in out of fear that he's going to hurt me. I think what you are doing is far more likely to drive him away rather than bring him closer. I don't think I can explain it any better as it just seems so self evident to me. This guy is showing he cares by his actions, not his words. This is what you should be looking for. Concentrating on what a guy says and not what he does is going to lead you into pump-and-dump relationships. I think I must have stumbled into an 'early to mid twenties' thread. I try so stay out of those because I see things so differently and I don't think my insights are helpful.
Author brittneyfoster Posted March 4, 2014 Author Posted March 4, 2014 I think what you are doing is far more likely to drive him away rather than bring him closer. I don't think I can explain it any better as it just seems so self evident to me. This guy is showing he cares by his actions, not his words. This is what you should be looking for. Concentrating on what a guy says and not what he does is going to lead you into pump-and-dump relationships. I think I must have stumbled into an 'early to mid twenties' thread. I try so stay out of those because I see things so differently and I don't think my insights are helpful. Well, you make a valid point, but I am just afraid of being hurt again. I have been in three committed relationships with titles, and none even started off as good as this one. He treats me the best, which is why its so scary that the one perfect guy can't give me a title. But titles in the past never mattered to my exes...they still emotionally and physically abused me. All the other ones were great with words but bad with actions, but this is the first one who is great with actions but not so great with words. Yeah, both the guy and I are 26...so not a lot of experience on my end. You're helpful...more than you know. Thanks...
soccerrprp Posted March 4, 2014 Posted March 4, 2014 "Well, a title means security for me...that tomorrow you won't just walk away from everything" But you know that a title will not guarantee that he will or will not walk away, right? I told him that I didn't know, and he said he understood if I said I wanted it to be over since he couldn't give me what I wanted right now. He said "If you come to me tomorrow and say you met someone else, I couldn't be mad." I find this peculiar. He can't give you the words "you are my gf?" He is response to how he'd react if you found someone else is also peculiar. He seems to indicate that by not making the verbal commitment to be exclusive or gf/bf, that he and you are free to see other people. So I can't figure out what his deal is. He tells me one thing...but acts completely different with me and he always tells other people more than he tells me. Part of me really believes that part of this is a power thing with him. He's willing to tell others about you, but not declare you as his gf. It is so easy to do and dispense with it, but he refuses. I'm starting to think that he has some insecurity issues of his own.
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