Author mirage12 Posted March 5, 2014 Author Posted March 5, 2014 I'm similar to all of you...I tend to be very picky with relationships and I don't click all that often. But when I do, I fall very hard. I invest a lot emotionally and that leads me to trouble. I'm also a romantic...and I like a certain type of woman that makes my relationships either very good or very bad, with no middle ground (the independent, opinionated, b*tchy type for lack of a better description). 1
BC1980 Posted March 5, 2014 Posted March 5, 2014 For me, NC was a godsend because it gave me space and silence in which to grieve and have my feelings without the added crazy-making distraction of any input from my ex. And I am not going to lie to you: NC isn't some luxury hotel where the maids bring you tea and crumpets as you recline gracefully on your couch of sorrow. It felt, for me, more like a broken down fleabag motel where the Feds has hastily stashed me in witness protection. But after a while, I started to feel safe and have a layer of emotional distance from the breakup. And then, I didn't notice the waterstains and bedbugs as much. I love this NC is great if you allow it to be. It's hell at first, but you start to see the benefits. I analyzed my break-up to a ridiculous degree, but it always boiled down to the fact that he didn't want to be with me. It's really that simple. I think our minds want there to be some crazy, convoluted answer because, in general, we just don't like to say that we don't really know the answer. We always want a black and white answer, but the truth is that break ups often leave us with many questions and "what ifs." The reason why exes will say that it might work in the future is because it can be really hard to say NEVER. A lot of people have a difficult time saying those words, and it's usually for their benefit. Once you say it's over for good, you actually have to start facing your grief. I hid for months by holding out hope, no matter how tiny it was. Only when I began NC did it force me to accept reality. That's the beauty of NC. It forces you to accept its over because there is no new material to keep ruminating over. There are no more "one last phone calls" looking for answers that just keep getting more confusing. Grief sucks. There is no way around that, but it's very necessary. 2
Author mirage12 Posted March 5, 2014 Author Posted March 5, 2014 She was there and obviously wanting to help you when you called her.some may say it was guilt but likely she's just sad too it's good you are being philosophical about the purpose of your relationship . For relationships to endure apart from essential compatibility, companionship and chemistry , timing is crucial. You met each other at a time when neither of you could fully commit as you are pursuing other goals . However in earlier times these other distractions would not have entered the equation and she may have ended up pregnant and dependant. Perhaps a life of quiet resentment and togetherness is not better than the one that got away. I'm a firm believer that if it's meant to be you will each grow and you will find each other without planning or wishing to Yes, I agree so much. That's what makes it hard...this BU happened more because of a timing/life situation than anything else. We are both transitioning and changing/growing, and she can't handle that AND a relationship. If we had met a few years ago or maybe in the future, things could be different. But I agree...if it's meant to be one day, it'll happen. For me, what makes it harder to move on from this one is that because it's just wrong timing rather than incompatibility, it's more difficult to accept :/
BC1980 Posted March 5, 2014 Posted March 5, 2014 If we had met a few years ago or maybe in the future, things could be different. But I agree...if it's meant to be one day, it'll happen. For me, what makes it harder to move on from this one is that because it's just wrong timing rather than incompatibility, it's more difficult to accept :/ Are you sure it's really wrong timing? My ex said the same. Maybe it can work in a few years. That is called keeping his options open, and it sure isn't for my benefit. Just accept that it's over for whatever reason. Even if we label it as not working out due to timing, it does not take away the fact that you must grieve, heal, and move on.
Simon Phoenix Posted March 5, 2014 Posted March 5, 2014 Yes, I agree so much. That's what makes it hard...this BU happened more because of a timing/life situation than anything else. We are both transitioning and changing/growing, and she can't handle that AND a relationship. If we had met a few years ago or maybe in the future, things could be different. But I agree...if it's meant to be one day, it'll happen. For me, what makes it harder to move on from this one is that because it's just wrong timing rather than incompatibility, it's more difficult to accept :/ Which is why you need to drive that out of your head. Because while it seems like a nice thing for her to say, it's torture. Not to mention it's untrue -- your ex is not the only busy person in this world and it's not as if she'll get less busy the further away from school she is. She'll only get busier. I mean, if she wanted to be with you the amount of busyness in her life would not have gotten in the way. Plenty of people in this world are busy and have relationships. You need to get this crap out of your head. It gives you an excuse to hold on, to ruminate. All that matters is that she chose not to be with you. You talked to her for 2.5 hours and not once did she try to grab you back, or convince you to not leave. You have to let this false hope go. It's a fantasy. It's time for you to live in the real world. And I know I sound mean, but I'm like you in that I don't easily connect with people on that level and that I'm analytical. But eventually, and you'll come to learn this, is that the thing that matters the most is the result. And the result, unfortunately for you, is that she chose to let you go. You need to stop deluding yourself and wondering why (it will only drive you crazy, as you well know) and come to terms with the reality of the situation. Only then can you move forward and prosper.
Simon Phoenix Posted March 5, 2014 Posted March 5, 2014 Are you sure it's really wrong timing? My ex said the same. Maybe it can work in a few years. That is called keeping his options open, and it sure isn't for my benefit. Just accept that it's over for whatever reason. Even if we label it as not working out due to timing, it does not take away the fact that you must grieve, heal, and move on. Yep, the wrong timing thing is an excuse. What would be the right timing? Her life isn't getting any less busy. It's a way to "let them down nicely" and should be treated as such.
Zahara Posted March 5, 2014 Posted March 5, 2014 If we had met a few years ago or maybe in the future, things could be different. But I agree...if it's meant to be one day, it'll happen. For me, what makes it harder to move on from this one is that because it's just wrong timing rather than incompatibility, it's more difficult to accept :/ I wonder how people make these declarations. Predicting what could have happened years from now or then, if only timing was right. We don't even know what could happen to us tomorrow. It's not realistic to base the success of a relationship by looking into the future or into the past.
hestheone66 Posted March 5, 2014 Posted March 5, 2014 People who prefer black and white answers as it helps them move on will not find satisfaction in a more nuanced view that relationships involving humans are unpredictable and full of grey areas. We each understand and give meaning to things by how we best process them. The explanations that we each derive are meaningful to each of us in its own way. If it doesn't make sense according to another's view, experience or maturity it is irrelevant to your way of making sense of it. As long as there is no holding on to false hopes or stagnating with môving fwd with our lives then the explanations we use will help us heal
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