I just don't understand.

[Chaos_Theory]

So without spending the next hour typing up my life story, here's where I am (slight text wall)

 

On December 20th of 2013, my fiancee left me. We had been together for 3 years, 8 months and had been very close for about 3 years before that. She had had one serious, 3 year relationship before me with a guy who is, let's just say not a good person. She also had a very bad childhood. Moving around at least a dozen times, was raped, was molested, had an abusive father. All that awful ****. She was my first everything. First real relationship, first love, took my virginity, etc. And she always told me how I was far and away better than anyone she's ever had. So we had some issues over the years and she broke up with me two separate times but she came back to me both times and I, maybe stupidly, took her back because I love her. Then in about November 2013 she starts talking to the best friend of her douche ex, and ends then leaves me stating that 'I'm done, I don't want to work at this anymore'.

 

I was so far beyond confused and devastated because there was NO sign of this. Our relationship had been getting better and better to be perfectly honest. From like April 2013 to then it had been utterly incredible. We had gone on a couple small vacations and we were starting to be more passionate with each other and it was legitimately amazing. Also, this is was only 3 and a half months before the wedding. EVERYTHING was done. Dress was bought. Rings were bought. Venue was picked. All invited were sent. Catering was ready. DJ was selected. Literally everything, and she was really excited about it too. She told multiple people how much she was. So I was not prepared for this so I kind of folded and basically begged her to reconsider because it was just wrong. So naturally she didn't and she left the place we were living and left me alone to pack and leave.

 

I don't understand because for YEARS she was so loving and caring and then it was like a switch flipped. I'm not perfect either, I've made mistakes, but I never abused her, I always cared about her, always took care of her when she was sick, always was there for her, always loved her unconditionally. It's not like I'm a bum, I work. Anyway, so after I left I tried to talk to her a couple times and I got no response, and she started being best friends with her EX again and started dating his best friend. The ex's opinion is that she likes him because they are similar and that made me both angry and confused as hell. For the next month if she wanted anything she wouldn't even talk to me. She'd say what she needed to say to the ex (who was once a good friend of mine) and he would message me. She used him as a damn middleman because she apparently was 'uncomfortable' around me. She also blocked me on facebook, until I put up some pictures of me with another girl and I noticed she unblocked me (I'm not dating her or anything). She also spent about $600 on the new guy within the first two WEEKS.

 

We share a phone plan that she pays and I give her my end so she'll text me occasionally asking for it but it's always so hostile, and I really don't get it? She left me, absolutely destroyed me, hell I even went on a drinking rampage for a month and a half and she is treating ME awful? It's like a COMPLETE different girl than the one I fell in love with and I don't really get it. I understand I gotta move on and maybe I deserve more and blahblahblah but I'm just stuck on how somebody who was in love with me for so long can be so damn mean so fast for no reason.

 

I'm not sure if it's important information, but when she was leaving she told me she's '****ed up and can't let herself be happy'. I realize I'm painting a bad picture of her but she was never like this, she's never been this cruel to anyone. In fact she's even trying to build a relationship with her father again. So she's trying with the men who were worst to her, but she crushed the one who cared about and love her the most. She doesn't appear to have any remorse for what she's done to me, and she's admitted to a mutual friend that how she did it was awful.

 

Oh, and one last thing, when she was leaving she insisted she still loved me. Made a point to say it. So I'm doing my best to have good days but man, this has been the worst.

 

If you want more detail about anything, ask. I genuinely want opinions.

Edited March 4, 2014 by Chaos_Theory

[STM206]

This is the same situation I went through. Loving for years and then boom... It's as if you never existed to them on that level, if at all.

 

The cut and run if you will.

 

The best thing that I can say is they leave like that because of guilt, of not having any real answers and ultimatly not even knowing what the **** they really need or want in life.

 

It's not your fault, it usually never is... And it isn't theirs either. They're just "trying to figure things out" as my ex put it.

 

The part that is so bothersome is being left with no real answers. Hell I almost wish he cheated on me, at least there would be a reason... But there was no real concrete reason.

 

Let them go, let them figure out whatever it is they need to figure out. You tried, you did what you could, but some people are constantly searching in life, and the day will come where they just might realize they passed up the best thing they probably ever had.

[Itspointless]

I am really sorry for you. Your story made me think of another story I found on this board: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/253770-my-fiancee-left-me-out-blue If you read the posts of this member he found out that she showed signs of an avoidant-dismissive (an attachment style). Stress triggered her avoidance.

 

Perhaps the abuse triggered something more severe: (http://www.psychalive.org/disorganized-attachment/): 'They often have difficulty managing stress and may even demonstrate hostile or aggressive behaviors.' I do not dare to say if avoidance also is a sign for this kind of attachment.

 

We have to be careful sticking labels on people their foreheads, but you might want to read about these things.

Edited March 5, 2014 by Itspointless

[Chaos_Theory]

Thank you both. It's nice to hear from someone who has been through something similar. I've had a lot of support from friends but it's all the same tired old advice.

 

"You'll find someone some day!"

"You gotta move on"

"Focus on you!"

"You can do better"

 

I appreciate that they are trying but...they don't have the slightest clue what it feels like. Plus I don't know what it means, but I've always, for as long as I remember, had this 'thing' where I ALWAYS think nobody cares. Even if I get reassurance I cannot help but think they are saying it out of some perceived need rather than being genuine. That's never been something I can just switch off. Not sure what it means but it certainly doesn't help anything. People take it personally too which is also irritating, because it's not like I want to be like this, you know? My ex was the only person I never questioned about her caring, and we see how that turned out. Hah.

[rec88]

Yup been there. My situation wasn't quite as hostile, but I watched the person I planned to marry turn into a different person in a matter of weeks. I learned later that it was a long internal struggle that she chose not to share with me, and it was just the process of disconnecting from me that was really quick. Regardless, I was not proud of the person she had become, and that sucked because I still loved her so much.

 

Your ex sounds like she has a serious appetite for destruction. And worse, she seems to know it. Cut all contact. You don't need to get dragged into it as she is not deserving of your kindness at the moment. This is a slow motion train wreck that everyone can see coming, but no one can stop. She is going to have to learn the facts of life the hard way. She's an adult and that is her right. Respecting something you don't understand is a really difficult thing, but it's the only reasonable option.

 

One more thing that caught my attention was "she insisted she still loves me." I heard something similar an called her on it. You say you love and respect me, but you don't actually do anything to show that. I'm sorry but your actions speak much louder. Keep your rationalizations to yourself.

 

Meant to add: yes, friends who want to help will not always be helpful. I can't count the number of times I heard "better that it happened now than after you were married." Ya, no ****. Not everyone can relate, but I'll be damned if that doesn't stop them from trying haha.

Edited March 6, 2014 by rec88

[leesc90]

Rec88, i hope you get this message. i'm fresh to a breakup and you're insights have been spot on to my situation.. if you'd be willing to give me some advice that would mean the world at this point. you dont have a inbox where i could message you so this is my attempt to reach you.