David Rees Posted March 4, 2014 Posted March 4, 2014 Hello, never really used forums before so apologies if this message is in the wrong place/makes no sense at all!! Anyway, Hi! I'm 24 and have been in a long distance relationship for 6 months and would like advice or an out the box view from anyone on if it is too early to be doing a proposal? Will give a brief backstory, essentially I went to school with my now girlfriend for 5 years before my family relocated to the other side of the country, at school we was never together but just friends and since moving we've always kept in contact and took an interest in the others lives/had catch up chats from time to time but never saw each other until she visited my area last year and we met up (somehow ended up in a relationship after just a day of meeting up again after 8 years of not seeing each other) since then we see each other every weekend possible (both work fulltime) we've spoken a lot about how the long distance thing is even going to be possible and even to the point we have agreed we both want to live together (already told her id be happy to move to her area as I used to live there anyway/know people there and the area), the part I'm needing advice on is if its too soon to propose to her, don't get me wrong, I don't intend to marry until we've been living together for some time but at the same time would love to commit to the promise/intention to marry her when we are both settled, its only been 6 months but I've met her parents on many occasions/get along with them and shes met mine, I know shes the one I want to give my life too and im fairly sure she is the same (its gotten to the point where each goodbye is her crying which pains me to see) but do I propose or leave it until we've moved in together? Any advice would be greatly appreciated, David.
TaraMaiden Posted March 4, 2014 Posted March 4, 2014 do NOT propose until you've actually lived under one roof for a year together, and established a good, healthy, effective and productive way to communicate. 2
Smthn_Like_Olivia Posted March 4, 2014 Posted March 4, 2014 do NOT propose until you've actually lived under one roof for a year together, and established a good, healthy, effective and productive way to communicate. ^^^Ditto! Marriage is serious business, and until you've had consistent 24hr exposure to all of someone's quirks and issues, you have no idea what you're locking yourself into. What's the hurry? 6 months of LD dating is nothing. 1
Els Posted March 4, 2014 Posted March 4, 2014 6 months LDR is really not an ideal foundation for a marriage. I'm sure some have made it work but it is really, really risky... 2
Author David Rees Posted March 4, 2014 Author Posted March 4, 2014 ^^^Ditto! Marriage is serious business, and until you've had consistent 24hr exposure to all of someone's quirks and issues, you have no idea what you're locking yourself into. What's the hurry? 6 months of LD dating is nothing. 6 months of any relationship is nothing, I spend pretty much every weekend with her and have spent full weeks here and there whenever its possible, (bearing in mind Iv'e known/been good friends with her for the best part of 13 years now) Iv'e seen what her ugly sides like and her faults, its not to get married asap but the promise that I want to marry when we are both ready/settled to do so.
TaraMaiden Posted March 4, 2014 Posted March 4, 2014 Listen to me very carefully: While I was involved in a relationships counselling organisation, we ran pre-marriage workshops, for those wishing to get married in church. These were obligatory, no matter what the couples' circumstances. One couple - who had known each other since pre-school childhood, had gone to primary school, secondary school and college together, had kept in touch virtually throughout their entire adulthood, and who had joined up again after their respective marriages had ended, and who, in wishing to get married in church, were OBLIGATED to attend the workshop before their wedding - - ended up cancelling the wedding, because at one point, the prospective bride turned to her prospective spouse - a man she had pretty well known continuously for 46 years and said - "I really don't know you at all, do I??" Honey, truly. Until you have had lessons - and i mean, counselling - in any deal-breaker situations - you don't know this girl at all. What does she feel about working/having kids? is she religious? What kind of discipline does she wish to administer on any children? Does she want them? brought up in which religion? What would she think if you had a handicapped child? Who does she think should be the main bread-winner? if she earned more than you, would you give up your job to raise the children? what if your sex levels/libido vary wildly? Say she wants sex once a month, what would that make you think? What if she wanted an open marriage? These are the kinds of things you need to know about - before you even think of setting up home together. These are commonly known as 'deal-breakers'. Don't dismiss them as unimportant, 'for now'. trust me - they really, really MATTER! 2
justwhoiam Posted March 4, 2014 Posted March 4, 2014 would like advice or an out the box view from anyone on if it is too early to be doing a proposal? ... already told her id be happy to move to her area as I used to live there anyway/know people there and the area ... I'm needing advice on is if its too soon to propose to her, don't get me wrong, I don't intend to marry until we've been living together for some time The last sentence is what clearly should tell you that you do not have to propose to her now. If my man is proposing to me, I take it seriously. Any girl usually takes this kind of stuff quite seriously. And rightly so, because marriage is a serious thing. So basically, you don't want to commit to marry her, you just want to let her know you'd be ready to marry her one day. Just tell her "I'd like to marry you one day". Do not officially propose. No on-your-knee move until when you are sure. Anyway, I'll tell you this: if and when we'll go live together, it'll be cohabitation ONLY if we have difficulties with the papers (as we live in two different countries) and not by choice. By choice, after so much time, I'd rather fly to Las Vegas and get married there. Ha! But then, we wouldn't have been knowing each for 6 months... rather decades...
Ophelia27 Posted March 4, 2014 Posted March 4, 2014 Sometimes you just know it is right by the way you two talk and discuss life together. I say go by your feeling on this one. Is there absolutely no doubt in your mind this could work? You never wonder if she lies about where she is? You trust her completely? Does she trust you completely? Ask her how she would feel about getting engaged?
CarrieT Posted March 4, 2014 Posted March 4, 2014 Anyway, Hi! I'm 24 and have been in a long distance relationship for 6 months and would like advice or an out the box view from anyone on if it is too early to be doing a proposal? I didn't even have to read beyond this to be able to post to say -- YES, it is WAY TOO EARLY to consider a proposal. For starters, your brain is not fully connected to your frontal cortex yet so you are not biologically ready to start making intelligent, mature decisions. That is a scientific fact that you can read about here. We call it half-baked brain syndrome. Wait until your 28th or 29th year AT LEAST before considering marriage. Secondly, you should know and be involved with a potential mate for an entire year before considering a proposal. See them and get to know them through all four seasons. Thirdly, you are Long Distance? You haven't been together in "real time" long enough to know if you can stand each other for a lifetime. 1
Author David Rees Posted March 4, 2014 Author Posted March 4, 2014 I didn't even have to read beyond this to be able to post to say -- YES, it is WAY TOO EARLY to consider a proposal. For starters, your brain is not fully connected to your frontal cortex yet so you are not biologically ready to start making intelligent, mature decisions. That is a scientific fact that you can read about here. We call it half-baked brain syndrome. Wait until your 28th or 29th year AT LEAST before considering marriage. Secondly, you should know and be involved with a potential mate for an entire year before considering a proposal. See them and get to know them through all four seasons. Thirdly, you are Long Distance? You haven't been together in "real time" long enough to know if you can stand each other for a lifetime. I'm sorry but this answer is purely ignorant, if you wish to comment on someone not being fully developed and not being able to make intelligent choices when you yourself failed to read past the first paragraph (where it clearly states I've known her for a longer time than at the start), would just like to say thank you to everyone else that has commented there views on my dilemma, I don't agree with a few things but can understand the views/good intentions, thank you for the advice, David. 1
soccerrprp Posted March 4, 2014 Posted March 4, 2014 (edited) David, You sound like a 20-something with his head on straight. All of these studies showing that the neural composition of 20-somethings and younger are not fully matured have merit, of course, but they DO NOT EXPLAIN THE MANY young people at such ages that are not petulant, unpredictable, self-centered, rather very mature and responsible and settled. Many factors determine whether one develops a healthy personality, coping mechanisms, etc. during that age than just biology. Many young people have always and continue to show resilience, maturity within late teens and early twenties throughout history. You can also see in other cultures how young people possess a maturity that we in the WEST seem to see less frequently. It has much more to do than biology... So, it sounds like you're one of those young people who have your sensibilities about him. Good. But, going back to your question, I also believe it's too soon to propose. You need some time to be with her, romantically, on a consistent basis, daily. You don't necessarily need to live with her, but seeing her daily and seeing her in her non-manicured, no-makeup, day to day self is important. 6-months LDR is not enough. You need to be closer to her and get a really good idea of what she will be like day to day. Edited March 4, 2014 by soccerrprp 1
d0nnivain Posted March 4, 2014 Posted March 4, 2014 Do not propose until you have lived in the same city for at least 6 months. I wouldn't even live together until you have lived in the same city for a while. To go from LDR to 24/7 rarely works. Those few, precious times when you do see each other in your LDR are like vacations. They are not grounded in the reality of day to day living. They are more magical because you focus solely on each other & your relationship. You clear your schedules, you don't do the mundane things like laundry & grocery shopping. . . . it's all just this perfect happy little bubble. That's not real life. I hope it works but if you really want it to, slow down. If you are meant to live happily ever after, it doesn't have to start right now.
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