Got it Posted March 4, 2014 Posted March 4, 2014 It's not uncommon for a cheater or those who empathize with a cheater to believe that cheating is a byproduct of an "unhappy" relationship. Cheating is only "one" of many choices an unhappy person can make and the easiest choice to choose. Why is cheating a more attractive choice than divorce? It doesn't take a rocket scientist to understand that cheating fixes nothing, other than a holiday from the real issues in a committed relationship. The blame game is a no brainer....whereas owing authenticity doubled with honesty is not for the weak willed. Cheaters invest in not getting caught....if a cheater really was that unhappy they wouldn't invest in deceit but rather they'd put their energy into divorcing as amicably as possible. I am always surprised when someone asks this question about affair or divorce. Why is the affair more attractive? Because there is faster short term gain. Long term divorcing may be the best decision but there is a lot of short term pain in the meantime. An affair will allow you to get some level of positive short term results without the upheaval of the divorce. It isn't like most affairs are done with the purpose of the spouse finding out. And one doesn't normally try and weigh the pros and cons on what actually might happen if their spouse finds out. Normally the goal is that they don't. It is about getting all needs/wants satisfied. It isn't about fairness, logical thinking, etc. It is about the holiday. Usually it is about gambling on a long term gambling. It is completely about having what they currently have plus more. Why do people play the lottery? On the slim chance they will win millions. Why do people have affairs instead of divorcing? Because of the slim chance they can get all their needs met, home life stays the same, and finally have everything they want, just in a patchwork set up. 1
Author peruano99 Posted March 4, 2014 Author Posted March 4, 2014 I am always surprised when someone asks this question about affair or divorce. Why is the affair more attractive? Because there is faster short term gain. Long term divorcing may be the best decision but there is a lot of short term pain in the meantime. An affair will allow you to get some level of positive short term results without the upheaval of the divorce. It isn't like most affairs are done with the purpose of the spouse finding out. And one doesn't normally try and weigh the pros and cons on what actually might happen if their spouse finds out. Normally the goal is that they don't. It is about getting all needs/wants satisfied. It isn't about fairness, logical thinking, etc. It is about the holiday. Usually it is about gambling on a long term gambling. It is completely about having what they currently have plus more. Why do people play the lottery? On the slim chance they will win millions. Why do people have affairs instead of divorcing? Because of the slim chance they can get all their needs met, home life stays the same, and finally have everything they want, just in a patchwork set up. But you wouldn't say an affair is the right thing to do right? I know it's the easy way out, but it isn't right. 3
SolG Posted March 5, 2014 Posted March 5, 2014 I have worked with one particular sector a lot over the years where many of the men, due to occupation, have both privilege and status. They also travel extensively and often. By virtue of all these things--lots of time away, resouces, and lots of attractive women happy to throw themselves at them--they have ample opportunity to cheat. And the vast majority of them avail themselves of the opportunity. Omongst this particular subset my observation is that fidelity is the exception rather than the rule. (Must qualify that this is on a casual ONS-type basis as opposed to full blown affairs which seem quite rare.) These guys almost all have great lives, gorgeous children and beautiful wives that I truly believe they love, adore and have no intention of ever leaving or hurting. Certainly from my observation and association with many of them, a lot of these men are incredibly attentive and loving family men when they're at home. However, their sense of entitlement combined with a condoning culture (very much 'what happens in Vegas') makes their propensity to resist the oft experienced temptation to cheat almost non-existent. Throughout history it has almost universally been the right of a privileged man to cheat. It is only a relatively recent expectation that they won't. I believe to a certain extent that some privileged men (not all) choose to continue this 'tradition'. I would hazard a guess that most of these Hs and Ws have what they would call happy, functional relationships. The Hs cheat not because of problems with the M... but because they can. There are virtually no women in this group. Will be interesting to see what happens when the proportion of women increases, as it invariably will I believe.
bobwhite007 Posted March 5, 2014 Posted March 5, 2014 Be careful and mindful peruano. If you get it on with this girl, you know there's an element of dishonest/cheating involves. Let her settle her
bobwhite007 Posted March 5, 2014 Posted March 5, 2014 I need some help here on what a man/woman can do to prevent their partner from having an affair? Simple.....dont get married or attached. 1
joystickd Posted March 5, 2014 Posted March 5, 2014 Why is it the moment cheating gets brought up and taken over with men cheating? Women cheat too. Men just get caught more because of the women they pick. Trust me I have been the other man before. The women I have been with their reasons ranged from partner playing World of Warcraft all the time (that one texted me a pic of her in lingerie and her boyfriend on the computer to show how into the game he was), women just tired of their men, and some just wanting to just have sex with me because they were so attracted to me. The thing is since men can see sex as just sex they make better affair partners than men ever would because it made them better to follow orders. 1
Woggle Posted March 5, 2014 Posted March 5, 2014 Avoid people who have a history of cheating or no sense of accountability Have a no tolerance policy towards cheating. If your SO knows that cheating is an instant dealbreaker and they will get dumped fast you tend to get treated better. 2
Author peruano99 Posted March 5, 2014 Author Posted March 5, 2014 Simple.....dont get married or attached. Of course that would be a quick way to fix this, but I really would like a stable relationship in the future. I had some ONS, and I can't see myself doing that in my mid 30's.
Canucklehead Posted March 5, 2014 Posted March 5, 2014 Just have to find the right person whose principles are aligned with your own. Then EARN EACH OTHERS TRUST. I would suggest that it is detrimental to focus or be obsessing over the whole infidelity issue when you are with an SO. Either you trust each other or you don't
joystickd Posted March 5, 2014 Posted March 5, 2014 Honestly you can't avoid getting cheated on. You can do all the extensive testing or whatever the hell you have to do that will help you sleep at night knowing that your partner is faithful. The reality is that people change things happen. The once always faithful partner may have an experience that changes their opinions and beliefs. We never know about people a year from now or hell even 10. Things happen. The thing is just focusing on being a great friend and partner because if you devote energy to being insecure about cheating then it will happen. I have had two women that I use to mess with they cheated because their insecure husband accused them of it so much they were like hell I might as well do it.
2.50 a gallon Posted March 5, 2014 Posted March 5, 2014 As others have said, there are no quarnatees. I have been in a loving relationship with a woman totally out of my league for over 18 years. She is the sweetest kindest, most giving person I have ever met, and in the looks department, she is a granny who is still eye candy. The success of our relationship is based on many factors. First, we both try to make the lovin fun. Meaning, we do lots of fun things together, both of us let the little kid inside of us come out and play. She likes Mickey Mouse and Disney characters. So our house has many of these items, a Mickey Mouse phone, Mickey Mouse towels hung in the bathroom (they are for looking at never to be used) Mickey Mouse, Taz, Tweety, Bugs Bunny dishes, etc. Holidays, (Xmas, Halloween, Thanksgiving, V-Day, Easter, 4th of July) we decorate, I put up lights, make cookies Sometime back I picked up a slot car racing set at Goodwill, a couple of times a year we hook it up and race. It drives the cats nuts. I don't complain about her watching Judge Judy and she doesn't complain about me watching my sports. And every once in a while she will find some romantic movie, and it is two hours of cuddling. I might not especially care for the movie, and would rather be working on my hobbies or reading, but I never think about that. As with her great looks, I count my lucky stars that it is I that she wants to cuddle with. Yes, I could be off playing with my hobbies, or reading, but I never forget, that she could be cuddling with some other guy. Or it could be some other guy she went to dinner with last night.
2.50 a gallon Posted March 5, 2014 Posted March 5, 2014 I have one other rule I live by If she says that's cute, I agree If she says that's qoote, in her little girls voice, with a Q sound, it means dig out the wallet and buy it for her. I never forget she could be saying that to another guy and he could be buying it for her. And, it was she who paid over $400 for a wide screen TV for me two Christmases ago, so I could enjoy my football games and NASCAR races.
Author peruano99 Posted March 6, 2014 Author Posted March 6, 2014 My point of view for my future relationships is this, I will try to make the relationship good with a girl, not be too insecure, be a good lover in the bedroom, and treat her with respect. If an affair happens, I will forgive her, but we will be separating...no Reconciliation.
Canucklehead Posted March 6, 2014 Posted March 6, 2014 Sounds like you have your expectations and boundaries set in place..... good for you Peruano But be aware my brother, your ideals and expectations may change over time and experience. Change in this area can be good or bad..... just know that your "relationship personality" will probably evolve in ways you may not expect. Mine did..... Good Luck dude 1
Got it Posted March 6, 2014 Posted March 6, 2014 But you wouldn't say an affair is the right thing to do right? I know it's the easy way out, but it isn't right. The post I was responding to didn't discuss whether something is right or not. It was about ease and attractiveness in comparison to divorce.
hotpotato Posted March 6, 2014 Posted March 6, 2014 Simple.....dont get married or attached. There it is folk, the only way to not get cheated on. /thread 2
KathyM Posted March 6, 2014 Posted March 6, 2014 There is no guarantee that you won't ever get cheated on, but there are certainly ways you can minimize the risk of it, some of which I mentioned in my previous post, basically to choose your partner wisely, treat your partner well, and take a hard stance against cheating. Don't sweep it under the rug if it does happen. Don't take back an unremorseful cheating partner that makes little to no effort to work on the issues within himself that caused him to cheat. 1
hotpotato Posted March 6, 2014 Posted March 6, 2014 There is no guarantee that you won't ever get cheated on, but there are certainly ways you can minimize the risk of it, some of which I mentioned in my previous post, basically to choose your partner wisely, treat your partner well, and take a hard stance against cheating. Don't sweep it under the rug if it does happen. Don't take back an unremorseful cheating partner that makes little to no effort to work on the issues within himself that caused him to cheat. You should treat them well because they are you partner. To treat them well with the hope or expectation it will discourage them from cheating is folly. 1
carhill Posted March 6, 2014 Posted March 6, 2014 KathyM's posting underscores the value of communication and listening, as each of us has an individual perspective regarding what 'good treatment' appears and feels like. As example, one person could greatly value empathy and sympathy as components of being 'treated well'. Another person might see that as weak and prefer 'straight talk' and 'tough love' and value the latter components as part of being 'treated well'. With communication, and listening, clarity about those issues can be achieved, building a stronger foundation of mutual love, respect and understanding and such a foundation provides stronger and clearer boundaries to and disincentives from engaging in infidelity. Also, IMO, compatible social styles and surrounding feelings, versus those which are incompatible, can provide further boundaries to inappropriate behavior. Even if the social styles differ, it's how the partners feel about those styles which enables, or disables, their synergy and contribution to couple well-being. As an example, if I am an introvert and my spouse is an extrovert, it's how we feel about that dynamic and the choices we make as a result of those feelings which speaks to our foundation. There is no universal answer. Each couple's interactive dynamics are unique. 2
Zenstudent Posted March 6, 2014 Posted March 6, 2014 You can pick your partner according to every ruleset in the world - it doesn't matter because people change, and they act and pretend, to show their most appealing side while dating. You may have a lot of communication - it doesn't matter if one partner is lying to cover up their intentions. You may treat you partner like the most valuable person in the world - it doesn't matter if your partner feels entitled to be treated even better and takes what he/she have for granted. And nothing matter if your partner just believes that an affair will never be discovered, so he/she might as well have a little extra, no one will get hurt, you know. Please don't make it sound as if you can guard and protect yourself againgst cheating - learn to deal with uncertainty instead, don't invest more of yourself in the relationship than you believe you can "afford" to lose - and definitely don't lose yourself if you're in an LTR (happens a lot, I think, I know I did). Yet, it won't help listing these things - I think people need to experience it to understand it.
Author peruano99 Posted March 6, 2014 Author Posted March 6, 2014 Sounds like you have your expectations and boundaries set in place..... good for you Peruano But be aware my brother, your ideals and expectations may change over time and experience. Change in this area can be good or bad..... just know that your "relationship personality" will probably evolve in ways you may not expect. Mine did..... Good Luck dude Thanks but I feel like it will never change. I set my boundaries in that if a person cheats, then she is not worth giving another chance. It doesn't matter if she is my girlfriend or wife. I have seen too many good relationships get destroyed by affairs: My parents being one of them, and I would not want to go that route
hotpotato Posted March 6, 2014 Posted March 6, 2014 KathyM's posting underscores the value of communication and listening, as each of us has an individual perspective regarding what 'good treatment' appears and feels like. As example, one person could greatly value empathy and sympathy as components of being 'treated well'. Another person might see that as weak and prefer 'straight talk' and 'tough love' and value the latter components as part of being 'treated well'. With communication, and listening, clarity about those issues can be achieved, building a stronger foundation of mutual love, respect and understanding and such a foundation provides stronger and clearer boundaries to and disincentives from engaging in infidelity. Also, IMO, compatible social styles and surrounding feelings, versus those which are incompatible, can provide further boundaries to inappropriate behavior. Even if the social styles differ, it's how the partners feel about those styles which enables, or disables, their synergy and contribution to couple well-being. As an example, if I am an introvert and my spouse is an extrovert, it's how we feel about that dynamic and the choices we make as a result of those feelings which speaks to our foundation. There is no universal answer. Each couple's interactive dynamics are unique. That advice might work for some, but much of the time the other person just wants to go outside the relationship for something new. It has nothing to do with the quality of the relationship or what they partner does or does not. It's really not that complicated. They just want to bang someone else.
Author peruano99 Posted March 6, 2014 Author Posted March 6, 2014 Well when you put it that way, is it better just having one night stands instead of a real relationship?
hotpotato Posted March 6, 2014 Posted March 6, 2014 Well when you put it that way, is it better just having one night stands instead of a real relationship? That could possibly be why I dont date often! I have considered open relationships. 1
Author peruano99 Posted March 6, 2014 Author Posted March 6, 2014 The reason why I'm so confused is that because a girl who was in a relationship constantly was flirting and saying she likes me, she still does it now and I have gotten to know her a lot better, plus her boyfriend already broke it off with her. Now, I am not sure if I should pursue her or just don't do anything.
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