Reconcile with wife...possible? I will explain

[bobjon]

I am 35, X is 38, 2 kids together, youngest 3yo, together 12 yrs but with some bumps. First child was a "surprise" and I was not real happy. Moved her in with me. 3 yrs later, she moved to her own house. That was the first time I realized I really did love her. Lost 30lb off an in-shape frame and about lost it. Got back together and later moved back to my house.

 

Moved her out today. 2 days ago she had a Bday with a girlfriend downtown and was spending the night at a hotel due to all the snow. She made sure to tell the boys in front of me that she was staying with all girls, going to eat until they were fat, and all sleep in a big bed. I know here and she is honest Edna so I really have little doubt on her outing but why would she feel the need to make sure I knew this was a girls outing? I also noticed she was wearing a custom necklace I bought for her. However, the girl she was going with made it so.....

 

All of this has come down to her view on providing. She says I don't provide "enough". I pay the house payment, taxes, insurance, utilities, trash, etc. She pays the food bill and kids stuff. I would think it was fair but.... I really think her prime issue is "providing". We have a large property ad supposed to build 2 yrs ago. Still working on that. Things happen and the economy is NOT helping!

 

She ended up moving right down the street less than 1/4 mi. I guess in my man brain, if I wanted to really get away, I would move further but I realize rentals in the area are harder to get... Her rationale is easy adjustment for our boys.

 

I am thoroughly confused if I should start dating and possibly ruin what we "might" have or stay straight and work on my business matters and improve me. I know reading all the static online "working on me" seems the norm but IMO, I don't need as much work as my pocket book. Both of us are fairly minimalists but she is getting a little greedy IMO or at least desire to have more. Her clients usually have nicer homes and such so I think she has "the wants" but she grew up with much less than me.

[CC12]

Your post is kind of all over the place and hard to understand.

 

If you could answer the following questions, maybe someone can help:

 

Why did she move out today? What was the reason she gave you? When she says you don't provide "enough" are you sure that she's referring to finances? She might mean something other than money. Did she break up with you, or is it "just a break" or is it "let's work on ourselves and then see what happens"?

[bobjon]

One of the most frustrating things about her is her total lack of communication. She cannot sit me down and say "this is my list of issues". Through counseling, I have learned that she does not believe I provide enough financially.

 

This is not a break up, break, time part, etc. Basically, we were going to MC about a year ago. 6mo in, I quit going because there was no point. She continued to go. We would talk about a few things but nothing at home ever changed, she still would not talk and when she did it was never very positive. The whole "I love you but not in love with you". Only through snooping did I find out she got a place to rent and was going to move out only two weeks later. Did we ever really talk about it? NOPE. She does not do that.

 

It is beyond frustrating that I try to talk to her but rarely do we have any good talks and I end up doing all the talking.

 

To date, she has had other issues with me but admits that I have changed for the better and she probably has trouble accepting it. In short, I think she looks for reasons to run. The other issues include no helping with family chores are times, my temper which I control much better now, and having family time.

 

In the beginning of the relationship, I was young and did not accept family life. Today I honestly cherish family time. Her mom has been married 4x and pretty much everyone in her family has been divorced multiple times. Our MC sees quit the pattern and told me last time I was in that "I don't think she knows how to be in a relationship". I don't know what that means.

 

What is SUPER frustrating is we do not really fight, scream at each other, no abuse, no infidelity. When we are together like on Sunday mornings drinking coffee, we can have nice small talk like good friends. She just does not go deeper than that. Small talk. I have never in my life heard her say "I really love you today". She does not really touch me, hug me, etc. I guess I am supposed to do all of that. She usually melts with one of my hugs and gasps but never reaches out for them.

 

So.....I honestly don't know the core reason she left. She says finances but I often wonder, if I provide everything, will she be happy? I know she was raised rather poor and I was more middle income so it might mean more to her.

[oldshirt]

So she thinks living in a separate home and paying separate bills is going to improve her finances and improve her standard of living????????

 

No no no, there is something else afoot here. Are you unemployed or making minimum wage and running up bad debt?? Are you a slacker that lays around the house drinking beer and watching tv sports all day while she tries to pay the bills and put food on the table?

 

Do you treat her like a roommate and are always making sure she's paying her way for everything and are allowing her to live in the house as long as she keeps her kids out from underfoot and is paying her end of the expenses at all times?

 

If the answer to those is a solid no then there is more to it. Women don't leave their homes and fathers of their children unless there is abuse, complete neglect and abandonment, addition or if there is someone else.

 

"I love you but not in love with you" typically means there is someone else as well.

 

If you are truly not a slacked, haven't checked out of being a husband and father, aren't abusive and you have not cheated, then you need to do some serious investigating because something else is going on.

 

Go through her phone, her computers, her email, Facebook etc etc. Start snooping around her friends and family etc. Go through her phone bills and records and look for fracturing numbers etc.

 

Somewhere in their you are going to turn up a rat.

[bobjon]

As I said, she feels that I do not provide "enough". There is no doubt that I provide right now in that I cover all housing expenses. However, that is not enough. my business has needed a lot of cash but it is not like we have to turn the heat down to save money.

 

The prime issue is there have been things that she has had to pay for that I did not help on. She has no clue what some of my business costs are. We do not share an account.

[oldshirt]

First step is to do your due diligence in looking into some other things that may be going on. Do some sincere and thorough investigation to confirm that there isn't anyone else schmoozing up on her. Go through phone records, computers, emails, facebook etc. Go through her car, purse, drawers etc etc looking for anything out of whack. Talk to her friends, relatives etc and ask them what's up.

 

Moving out and taking on additional expenses under the guise of you not making enough doesn't add up. There is more to this story. It is your job to find out what the rest of the story is.

 

The second course of action you need to take is to open your eyes and completely address any elephants in the room that you are not telling us here. Are you verbally, emotionally or physically mean or abusive in any way?. Are you wrapped up in your own world so much you are neglecting her and or the family. Is the toilet backing and the sink clogged while you are playing video games? Is this "business" of yours clearly a bad venture that's been going downhill and draining family funds for 10 years but you keep throwing money at it because you don't want to work at McDonald's even though you'd end up with a greater net worth scrubbing counters at McDs?

 

Root out the real reason she's packing up and moving out and address that.

[oldshirt]

Now assuming what you are saying is true and there isn't any neglect,abuse, addiction or adultry and assuming that she isn't an actual gold digger (is that a possibility)

 

She needs to see you crunching the numbers, working out short term and long term financial plans and she needs to see you bringing in the dough and she needs to see you sitting down with a calculator in one hand and paying the bills with the other.

 

She needs to see you sacrificing some of your beer, junk food, video games and man-toys to benifit the family budget. She needs to see that you and putting the families financial future at a higher priority than your fun.

 

Unless she is an actual gold digger that is intentionally setting out to find some rich chump to be her sugar daddy, she doesn't need for you to be a millionaire -she needs for you to be responsible, proactive and show definitive and competent leadership of the financial stability and security of your family.

 

When she says you don't provide "enough", she is not talking about actual dollar amounts. What she really means is that you are not showing enough financial leadership, planning, initiative and responsibility in your families financial well being.

 

Start gathering up statements, spreadsheets, budgets and plans and let her see you do it with her own eyes. Open up the books to her so she can see what goes into it.

 

If she's not a professional gold digger she doesn't need you to bring in a million dollars, she needs to see you competently and responsibly manage and make future plans with what you have.

 

Her abandoning you means she has no confidence in your financial management skills and believes her financial security will be better in a little apartment balancing her own checkbook rather than relying on you to the electricity and heat from getting shut off.

[bobjon]

No, she is not a gold digger. Good person really. No abuse, cheating, etc. We have always clicked in that area. I did snoop a bit and nothing comes up. I really don't have concerns there. She has always been so honest, it hurts her. She can't lie. It is annoying.

 

I agree on the finances. I know when one of our boys was born, I had to sell her motorcycle because she had a full value loan out on it. Mine was paid for and I used it to get to work some days so I kept it. That did not go over well but she did not push the issue.

 

I think I might have some selfish issues in here that are hard for me to see. She knows I am a walking calculator so I never spend to dumb stuff, I just don't want to spend. I am a tight ass. She likes to splurge, I like to invest.

 

Not sure how to meet in the middle anymore. One issue is my income is not consistent enough and I know that. I do mostly online sales so there is little control BUT I have a lot of ways to raise the bar with my business. She is pretty much maxed out doing hair as self employed. She works hard but can only make so much in that business.

 

Regarding debt, I do have some debt but all "good" debt as I call it. Everything I have out is worth more than twice what is owed. I just don't have the cash freed up. business equipment, house, etc.

Edited March 5, 2014 by bobjon

[cozycottagelg]

 

This is not a break up, break, time part, etc. Basically, we were going to MC about a year ago. 6mo in, I quit going because there was no point. She continued to go. We would talk about a few things but nothing at home ever changed, she still would not talk and when she did it was never very positive. The whole "I love you but not in love with you". Only through snooping did I find out she got a place to rent and was going to move out only two weeks later. Did we ever really talk about it? NOPE. She does not do that.

 

There could be a lot more going on here...or, she could have wanted you to stay in MC instead of quitting because there was "no point"... I don't know, if you wanted to truly save your marriage, I feel like you'd go to MC with her??

[bobjon]

Well, the MC moved to individual counseling. I am serious though, NOTHING was changing at all. My SO and myself still did not talk, nothing was resolved, and still had no idea what the problem was.

 

I honestly believe our MC is a nice person but lacks the skills to dig in and FIX anything. I would love to earn $100/hr to put ear plugs in and act like I am listening. There was no homework, no plan, no nothing. This was 6mo and hundreds of dollars later.

 

I did not feel like I put my foot down and quit, just that I told my SO I was getting nothing from it. It just was not working on me.

 

My SO has opened up a little now and feels she cannot lean on my in a time of need and always frustrated that I don't pay for certain little things. I pointed out that there has never been ANY financial planning AT ALL. If you ask her how much money she makes, she could not tell you. Only an idea. Not good at budgeting.

 

I have always asked to sit down and go over costs and such and I like to be consulted on stuff but it would usually come down to me trying to save money somewhere, her calling me a tight ass, and she buys it anyway with her money and resents me.

 

I have mentioned an joint bank acct where I can put general funds for things so I don't have to deal with the 20 here, 50 here. Just fund it and let her go at it BUT again, she does not budget. If she feels we need it, she just buys it and I become the prick.

 

Let me ask though, I pay the house mortgage, taxes, insurance, util, trash, car repairs, and a few other things. Do I sound like someone that is not contributing to the family? I really think one of her issues is she does not physically see me get my wallet out and pay for something for the kids so I don't help. I have to remind her that washer/dryer that runs non stop DOES hit me but I don't say a word. If someone is cold in the house and turns the heat up, I don't care.

 

I sort of feel like we are close to an understanding and I DO feel I should probably contribute more through a joint acct but is it really too much to ask to go over her bills for the family? She has her own business too so it complicates purchases sometimes, I know that.