spoonman Posted March 4, 2014 Posted March 4, 2014 I did it! I pulled the plug earlier today and it feels so f'ing good. Just a brief back story. I met someone a few months ago. We are both M and have kids and are in our 40's. We didn't enter into it lightly. There was a lot of what you guys call future faking and the word love was used frequently. It was too good to be true. We had some issues a couple weeks ago and she shut me out by saying she needed time. I was not really good with that and kept pressuring. I eventually had the chance to go away this past weekend to a place with no cell signal. We emailed a quick goodbye and off I went. NC for four whole days. It was rough but I got used to it and mellowed out by day two. I never really trusted her because of an issue in the past. Sorry, but once a cheater always a cheater. Should have went with my gut, but it was new and exciting and I was in "love". We met on that free site where people sell stuff andthere's also a section to find people. Being I had a clear head and a bad feeling I posted my ads. Within two hours she bit on both ads. There was my chance. I used one to make sure it was her, and the other to basically tell her in a not so nice way that she was the biggest a**hole in the world. Thanks to the horror stories I see on here about the broken hearts, the years of pain, and the destruction of families, I will fix my marriage. I will never speak of this to my W or anyone else. I also hope I don't come back here venting about how I blew it and am back with her. I also hope the temptation of another A doesn't lure me back into that horrible lifestyle. I pray for us all. Thanks LS for the stories and comments. I now see the light. 6
whichwayisup Posted March 4, 2014 Posted March 4, 2014 I also hope the temptation of another A doesn't lure me back into that horrible lifestyle. You hope? You should be 100% sure there will never be another affair. Not let another woman close to you again, learn boundaries and lines, don't cross them and don't 'befriend' women unless your wife knows them and included in the friendship. Are you sure your exAP won't call your wife and tell her what you've done? I know she's married and all, has a lot to lose as well, but never say never.. 1
Author spoonman Posted March 4, 2014 Author Posted March 4, 2014 You are right. I am 100% sure I will never do that again. She won't call. She's the most selfish, self centered person I ever met. She's probably afraid I'll call her H. I'm sure she's already started courting someone else. I kinda feel bad for her. She obviously has some deep issues. And she's a selfish tramp. Her husband deserves better. Poor bastard.
Hope Shimmers Posted March 4, 2014 Posted March 4, 2014 You are right. I am 100% sure I will never do that again. She won't call. She's the most selfish, self centered person I ever met. She's probably afraid I'll call her H. I'm sure she's already started courting someone else. I kinda feel bad for her. She obviously has some deep issues. And she's a selfish tramp. Her husband deserves better. Poor bastard. I don't mean to be mean, but you did the same thing right along with her, correct? I agree with WWIU... the wording of your first post wasn't real convincing. I hope you don't fall back into this trap again, because it could end a whole lot worse. Good luck! 2
whichwayisup Posted March 4, 2014 Posted March 4, 2014 Don't judge her too harshly. You had an affair with her and cheated on your wife. Focus more on you than on your exAP. Fix what's broken inside of you, what made you do this to your wife, risk your marriage, kids lives, the home and lifestyle that you're used to and accustomed to. Each of you have issues that led you to cheat on your spouses. Hers may be deeper than yours.. 3
wanting more Posted March 4, 2014 Posted March 4, 2014 So how can you cheat and then say "once a Cheater always a cheater" and in the same breath say you're going to work on your M?? After you say you'll never tell your wife? This reads like your pissed off cause she was cheating on you. 1
Author spoonman Posted March 4, 2014 Author Posted March 4, 2014 Oh, I am totally pissed. I was misled and duped. If she was what I buit her up to be I would be in a pickle. Her history of affairs should have stopped me in my tracks. It was my first and last one. It was new and exciting, I'm a huge moron. I'm not glad it ever happened, but it has stopped the temptation in it's tracks. Now that it's ended I can see how rotten I am. Hindsight is 20/20. I'll live with my regret for a long time and it will make me a better husband and father. I don't really care what she does. The immature person I am hopes she gets a horrible infection and is itchy and burny down there forever.
joanofark Posted March 4, 2014 Posted March 4, 2014 wonder what your thoughts would be if she never "needed time". 1
whichwayisup Posted March 4, 2014 Posted March 4, 2014 Oh, I am totally pissed. I was misled and duped. If she was what I buit her up to be I would be in a pickle. Her history of affairs should have stopped me in my tracks. It was my first and last one. It was new and exciting, I'm a huge moron. I'm not glad it ever happened, but it has stopped the temptation in it's tracks. Now that it's ended I can see how rotten I am. Hindsight is 20/20. I'll live with my regret for a long time and it will make me a better husband and father. I don't really care what she does. The immature person I am hopes she gets a horrible infection and is itchy and burny down there forever. Be more pissed at yourself than her because you take away her other affairs, you two are two peas in a pod. Sorry to be harsh there, man. You both future faked and didn't go into the A lightly (your own words).. Have you been tested for STD's? If not, GO. Also don't wish that kind of ill on her, she could very well claim you gave it to her. Be careful. This woman will eventually be caught and you can't be 100% sure that if her H finds out, she won't throw you under the bus and name you as one of the many men she had A's with. 2
Author spoonman Posted March 4, 2014 Author Posted March 4, 2014 I appreciate the brutal honesty. I take responsibility for my own actions. Lesson learned for sure. I don't know how or why I did it but I did. I'll make it right. I feel like a giant turd for even doing this. That's why I put it here. To get it off my chest, get some brutally honest opinions, and start the healing process.
thinkingofhim Posted March 4, 2014 Posted March 4, 2014 I appreciate the brutal honesty. I take responsibility for my own actions. Lesson learned for sure. I don't know how or why I did it but I did. I'll make it right. I feel like a giant turd for even doing this. That's why I put it here. To get it off my chest, get some brutally honest opinions, and start the healing process. I don't think you can say you're taking responsibility for your actions unless you tell your wife. Maybe Im a hypocrite for saying this as I'm also involved in an affair, but I dont think you can rebuild a marriage based on lies and hiding things. What happens the next time you get bored? IMO, the right thing to do is tell your wife and let her decide if she'll rebuild the marriage with you or if she wants to get out.
Author spoonman Posted March 4, 2014 Author Posted March 4, 2014 I had the A because it was so easy. Start talking to someone, meet them a couple times, see what happens. My boredom got the best of me. I was in a funk, blamed it on my marriage, and figured it would be exciting to just see what happens. I was playing around where I had no reason to be. My marriage wasn't broken, I was. I will not tell my W ever. I never had sex with the OW any time we met. I don't even know if I would have. We made out, but nothing more. It was more of an EA than anything. Yeah, we future faked and said we were in love. I was in love with the excitement and something new and different. It was a huge mistake. It was a game I got caught up in. I am glad it was with someone that can move on really quickly. Who know's what would have happened if she had real feelings for me. That's a scary thought. I've been married for twenty years. No way am I going to shake up everyones world over my stupid judgement. Mistakes happen. Time to put it behind me and focus on what's important. 2
wanting more Posted March 4, 2014 Posted March 4, 2014 So what happens when you get bored again? Especially if you say it was so easy to start the A. You're not fixing anything. You said it was a mistake and you're moving on. But how do you really move on? 1
Minnie09 Posted March 4, 2014 Posted March 4, 2014 You sound angry. I don't know exactly what that means, but it sounds like your ego is bruised now that you know that ow has not made you the center of her universe. You look like the naive part in that affair, kind of like "roles reversed". It's usually the young girls that believe everything the om tells them. Your reaction to break it off was a result of feeling embarrassed and "cheated on". OW made a fool out of you, and you're hurt. Your feelings are hurt. What if that had never happened? What if she had been a devoted ow all along? I think you'd still be in the A. Am I right? You're far from healed. If the next temptation walks by, you'll be in the same place again. Because you need your ego repaired. After this disappointment probably more than ever. 1
inappfriendly Posted March 4, 2014 Posted March 4, 2014 Kudos, Spoonman. I always appreciate reading posts from the MM's perspective. Women forget that men are wired TOTALLY DIFFERENT. Seeing an A from the man's point of view sheds light on how words said and feelings expressed in the heat of the moment can fade and even disappear after it is over. I genuinely envy your ability to just LET IT GO. All the best!
Realist3 Posted March 4, 2014 Posted March 4, 2014 (edited) We had some issues a couple weeks ago and she shut me out by saying she needed time. I was not really good with that and kept pressuring. I eventually had the chance to go away this past weekend to a place with no cell signal. We emailed a quick goodbye and off I went. NC for four whole days. It was rough but I got used to it and mellowed out by day two. So, she dumped you. You kept pressuring to no avail, and then you both said goodbye. Not sure what LS had to do with that. I never really trusted her because of an issue in the past. Sorry, but once a cheater always a cheater. Should have went with my gut, but it was new and exciting and I was in "love". We met on that free site where people sell stuff andthere's also a section to find people. Being I had a clear head and a bad feeling I posted my ads. Within two hours she bit on both ads. There was my chance. I used one to make sure it was her, and the other to basically tell her in a not so nice way that she was the biggest a**hole in the world. So you both met at a site where married people hook up, and somehow you didn't expect her to try and hook up with someone else after she dumped you? I'm not sure how you could expect anything different from her. Here is my take. You mistook the relationship she was looking for. You fell too hard and she got rid of you. Now you are pissed off because you were disposable. That is completely understandable. As someone else said you got bored, and will get bored again. Expect more of the same if you continue to use sites like that because it is so easy, as you out it. These are FWB sites, not affair sites. Edited March 4, 2014 by Realist3 4
Author spoonman Posted March 4, 2014 Author Posted March 4, 2014 You sound angry. I don't know exactly what that means, but it sounds like your ego is bruised now that you know that ow has not made you the center of her universe. You look like the naive part in that affair, kind of like "roles reversed". It's usually the young girls that believe everything the om tells them. Your reaction to break it off was a result of feeling embarrassed and "cheated on". OW made a fool out of you, and you're hurt. Your feelings are hurt. What if that had never happened? What if she had been a devoted ow all along? I think you'd still be in the A. Am I right? You're far from healed. If the next temptation walks by, you'll be in the same place again. Because you need your ego repaired. After this disappointment probably more than ever. Too funny. If you knew me you would know I have no ego. Too old and unattractive for that. Of course I'm angry. I'm just hoping my anger stays if she ever tries to get in touch with me. I betrayed everyone's trust. Especially my own. I don't need to be weak at the wrong time. The only thing I'm embarrassed about is the fact that I even had an A. I was led to believe everything was going to be fine and we would continue. Yes, I would have still been in the A. I'm thankful I was involved with someone that was able to discard me so easily and quickly. It was a huge punch in the face for me to see that I am in no way able to handle an A. Why? Because unlike most men I'm entirely too sensitive and trusting. And the big reason is, it's deceitful and so, so wrong. I regret living the lie and deceiving my family. It's a shame I had to ride this roller coaster to see how wrong it is. Lesson learned. Kudos, Spoonman. I always appreciate reading posts from the MM's perspective. Women forget that men are wired TOTALLY DIFFERENT. Seeing an A from the man's point of view sheds light on how words said and feelings expressed in the heat of the moment can fade and even disappear after it is over. I genuinely envy your ability to just LET IT GO. All the best! I didn't let it go, she did. I really had no choice or say in the matter. As embarrassing as this is to admit, she played the role of the man. I was the sensitive lovey dovey one. So. no, not all men are wired totally different.
Author spoonman Posted March 4, 2014 Author Posted March 4, 2014 Here is my take. You mistook the relationship she was looking for. You fell too hard and she got rid of you. Now you are pissed off because you were disposable. That is completely understandable. That about nails it. I didn't mistake the relationship she wanted. I believed what she actually told me. She initiated the future faking and I went for it.
Author spoonman Posted March 4, 2014 Author Posted March 4, 2014 And just to clarify. Even though I'm angry and regret everything that happened. I'm still heartbroken and sad. 1
kalimata Posted March 4, 2014 Posted March 4, 2014 Spoonman, I really appreciate you posting and putting out your point of view here. I'm a BH and was devastated when I found out that my WW was cheating on me. Things were indeed broken in my marriage, and she did go astray. I wish she would have come to me instead of going to another man's arms. You both basically did the same thing. Chose to ignore reality and try to find an escape, a fantasy world. The fact that you did not engage in vaginal intercourse does not mean your affair wasn't physical. Try to put yourself in your wife's shoes. How do you think YOU would feel if your wife was cheating on you all this time? Big difference eh? In order for your marriage to succeed and blossom, you need to tell your wife the truth. Get it out in the open and work on the issues in plain sight. Sweeping them under the rug will only result in heartache and boredom again later for you both. Also the slutty woman you hooked up with sounds like a real catch. I bet her husband already knows that she sleeps around. She will probably eventually contact your wife and tell her that you were cheating with her. For this reason I would recommend you tell your wife the truth first.
Sub Posted March 4, 2014 Posted March 4, 2014 This isn't meant to lay the blame at your feet, but you have to know going into a situation like an A that anything is possible from the other party. It's a relationship made possible by your own deception at the expense of your M. She may well be a "tramp", but coming from her AP, it rings hollow.
inappfriendly Posted March 4, 2014 Posted March 4, 2014 My apologies for misunderstanding you and my deepest condolences that you were so emotionally invested. I am sure you know you are in for a long, painful recovery. If only we could be the ones who don't care. THAT is the most enviable position to be in. As always, best and good luck. 1
Author spoonman Posted March 4, 2014 Author Posted March 4, 2014 This isn't meant to lay the blame at your feet, but you have to know going into a situation like an A that anything is possible from the other party. It's a relationship made possible by your own deception at the expense of your M. She may well be a "tramp", but coming from her AP, it rings hollow. That right there struck a chord with me. I do take all of the blame. I initiated this whole mess. An A is built on lies and deception. Why would mine be immune to that. I trusted too much and I'm way too sensitive. I totally get it now. Duh!! You have no idea how much what you said helps me. Thank you!!!
wanting more Posted March 4, 2014 Posted March 4, 2014 Spoonman, I really appreciate you posting and putting out your point of view here. I'm a BH and was devastated when I found out that my WW was cheating on me. Things were indeed broken in my marriage, and she did go astray. I wish she would have come to me instead of going to another man's arms. You both basically did the same thing. Chose to ignore reality and try to find an escape, a fantasy world. The fact that you did not engage in vaginal intercourse does not mean your affair wasn't physical. Try to put yourself in your wife's shoes. How do you think YOU would feel if your wife was cheating on you all this time? Big difference eh? In order for your marriage to succeed and blossom, you need to tell your wife the truth. Get it out in the open and work on the issues in plain sight. Sweeping them under the rug will only result in heartache and boredom again later for you both. Also the slutty woman you hooked up with sounds like a real catch. I bet her husband already knows that she sleeps around. She will probably eventually contact your wife and tell her that you were cheating with her. For this reason I would recommend you tell your wife the truth first. And we know she's a slutty woman from the honorable OP who went on a website looking for a hookup and got pissed when she ended it??
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