Suicide Thoughts Everyday

March 4, 2014

I don't know where to turn anymore. I am a very successful woman and everyone tells me I'm beautiful and talented. All I feel is emptiness and I cannot function anymore.

I dated a man for almost a year and he was helping me work through my trust issues from previous bad relationships. He told me that he would show me that a man could be faithful and that he would never cheat on me. He treated me like gold and our kids were even involved. He was the best man I have ever dated (up until the end). He told me his wife had cheated and he knew how it felt and would never do that to anyone else.

About a month before the end of our relationship he began contacting less and things felt strained. However, I thought we were just going through a bump in the road because our schedules made it tough to see one another often. One weekend, he was supposed to take my daughter and I to a local amusement park. I couldn't reach him the night before and just figured he fell asleep. After no return call after multiple tries the next morning, I worried and left the park to look for him. Upon arriving at his house worried he had had an accident or something, my child and I walked in on him with another woman. He said he didn't love me anymore. Then when she left, he said he did and began crying and didn't know what was wrong with himself. He said he wanted to work things out. I still loved him dearly (and still do)

There were no clues that I noticed and he had texted me the day of his cheating to say "I love you". Up until that day, he maintained our relationship and when I asked if we were okay or if feelings were different he would tell me to stop worrying.

I have now developed major depression which I am being treated for, and it has gotten so bad, I am out of work on disability. I just can't see any light right now. I loved this man more than anyone I have ever known and he really was the love of my life. I thought I would be getting a ring from him and we would be going toward marriage. Our relationship was always a good one up until the last month.

It turns out, he worked with the girl and he blamed our distance (only an hour) for the issues. He told me he was in love with me but didn't want to be selfish and was scared. He then said he wasn't in love with me.

My head is SO messed up because I don't even know what is true or not. I cannot function and can only think that all of my relationships fail and there must be something wrong with me. I don't know why men keep leaving. My friends tell me it isn't me but something wrong with them. I'm so depleted and discouraged with finding love that I think about suicide daily. I am getting help but don't seem to be getting better. I just don't know what to do anymore.

March 4, 2014

Just hold on...

It go's away and you will realize you are a strong women again one day.

The feeling is only temporary extreamly temporary just a dark stage that will end, it has too.

If you haven't yet, leave this man he's obviously toxic to you and has broke your trust, my guess also is you're too dependant on the relationship for all your happiness as well I speak from experience and you will get stronger may even slightly embarrassed thay you felt this way later.

Now cut all contact dont listen to a word be tells you and here is why...

You walk in he says he doesn't love you anymore she leaves suddenly he does? Huge red flag he is a cheater my guess is he said that in the off chance he can still work things out with this woman.

Run.

You cannot afford to waste all your sorrrow on him your kids need you, put all your effort into them it helped me. Show your daughter that your world doesn't fall apart when a jerk does you wrong.

Edited March 4, 2014 by Omei

March 4, 2014

OP, you have a kid! A kid! And you're willing to destroy her life as well over some guy? Really? REALLY?

As a father myself, I'm sickened to read this. And quite frankly, pissed off a mother could think so less of the damage she would inflict on her child because a relationship didn't work out. Pathetic and selfish if I've ever seen it. Disgusting.

I have zero sympathy for you. Get help. You need it.

March 4, 2014

There is light. You're just so busy wallowing in self-pity that you can't see it.

Take it from me. I was the happiest guy in the world before I met my ex an 'alpha' if you will and by the end of it all I was reduced to a begging, crying...lunatic!

Seriously I contemplated suicide as well. Many times. Looking back now I can't comprehend why I acted like that and what led me to act like that. The fact I went into depression because of her makes me sick to my stomach because I wasted so much god-damn time. I lost friends, I lost weight and almost lost my sanity. Don't make the same mistake I did. Read articles online, get professional help asap.

You have a kid. Grow a pair and fight through it!

March 4, 2014

Feeling suicidal after a major loss is quite common so you are not alone. You mentioned that you are off work at the moment, are you still having social interaction? Being isolated will make you feel worse. Try to get out and see friends and family each day. Your friends are telling you its not your fault, believe them! You can not blame yourself for this man cheating on you, what he did was wrong and it is completely his fault.

You are getting help but it is not working, it might be time to see a different doctor to get a second opinion and perhaps a different approach to treatment.

March 4, 2014

I didn't say I was going to kill myself or that I wanted to hurt my child. I don't. I am just hurting so much and unable to function that the thoughts like that invade my head. I WISH they would go away.

I simply don't know how to get up again to be the mom I need to be. I don't want to hurt anyone... I just want the pain to go away and my therapy isn't working. I don't understand why people hurt each other so much. Even here.

March 4, 2014

I didn't say I was going to kill myself or that I wanted to hurt my child. I don't. I am just hurting so much and unable to function that the thoughts like that invade my head. I WISH they would go away.

I simply don't know how to get up again to be the mom I need to be. I don't want to hurt anyone... I just want the pain to go away and my therapy isn't working. I don't understand why people hurt each other so much. Even here.

We've all been thru it. I had a 3 year relationship end and there wasn't any fighting. I've been low, sad, couldn't sleep. But even the thought of possibly checking out over someone else NEVER crossed my mind. I'm sorry if I was harsh but you need to get priorities straight. Things do get better over time. Here I am 7 months later and I've met someone new that's making me happy again.

March 4, 2014

OP, you have a kid! A kid! And you're willing to destroy her life as well over some guy? Really? REALLY?

As a father myself, I'm sickened to read this. And quite frankly, pissed off a mother could think so less of the damage she would inflict on her child because a relationship didn't work out. Pathetic and selfish if I've ever seen it. Disgusting.

I have zero sympathy for you. Get help. You need it.

I understand the reaction however what you are displaying is a totally lack of empathy. Please understand that when someone suffers from depression, and it would appear that hers goes beyond the situational, grieving kind of depression, that the logic switches are stuck. It doesn't matter what she has. On the surface, yes it appears selfish and part of the downward spiral is the guilt because on some level she understands logically what she has and what her responsibilities are...but knowing logically and being able to push thru that black cloud is like trying to move a mountain with your index finger.

March 4, 2014

Readytosettle, please continue with therapy and if not already on medication I would strongly suggest requesting some. Keep in mind that meds do not work overnight and the right combination can take a while to get right. In the meantime, keep posting and as best you can be kind to yourself. Life is hard but the beauty is there and you will see it again. You are simply broken at the moment but not forever. Small exercise (if therapist hasn't already got ya doing it) is spend a minute or two each day writing down something you are grateful for....I don't care if it as simple as having a toilet that flushes, car starting or your child giving you a smile...just write it down.

March 4, 2014

I understand the reaction however what you are displaying is a totally lack of empathy. Please understand that when someone suffers from depression, and it would appear that hers goes beyond the situational, grieving kind of depression, that the logic switches are stuck. It doesn't matter what she has. On the surface, yes it appears selfish and part of the downward spiral is the guilt because on some level she understands logically what she has and what her responsibilities are...but knowing logically and being able to push thru that black cloud is like trying to move a mountain with your index finger.

Thank you for saying this, just because she has a kid doesn't give her superpowers she's human and can feel as low as the next person who doesn't have kids, we all go through dark times where we think and consider dark things.

March 4, 2014

I understand the reaction however what you are displaying is a totally lack of empathy. Please understand that when someone suffers from depression, and it would appear that hers goes beyond the situational, grieving kind of depression, that the logic switches are stuck. It doesn't matter what she has. On the surface, yes it appears selfish and part of the downward spiral is the guilt because on some level she understands logically what she has and what her responsibilities are...but knowing logically and being able to push thru that black cloud is like trying to move a mountain with your index finger.

Thank you for saying this, just because she has a kid doesn't give her superpowers she's human and can feel as low as the next person who doesn't have kids, we all go through dark times where we think and consider dark things.

Coddling someone with depression also doesn't help them. Instead, it enables their negative behavior patterns and they sink lower into their "swamps of sorrow".

Depression is, by definition, selfish. It's obsessing over your own problems and issues to the point where the rest of the world falls away. I'm saying this as someone who was horribly depressed both before his breakup (which is what caused it) and after it.

For the record, what caused my depression? A buttload of work stress...and the suicide of an ex-girlfriend whom I refused to take back because of her issues. She left behind family and friends. It was heartbreaking to see her 3-year old niece wander the memorial service looking for her auntie. Trust me, I've seen this situation more intimately than most people care to.

If therapy isn't helping, you need to tell your therapist that. Either they're not connecting with you well enough, or you need to be medicated to stem the chemical imbalance going on inside you right now.

It'll take some effort, but make sure you're eating right and exercising. The hormones you release by working out will help you more than you might expect.

Selfishness is okay, but make it a positive selfishness that takes your child into account as well. Alternatively, if you're feeling this crappy, have someone else watch your kid while you recover - she shouldn't be exposed to the miasma of negativity.

March 4, 2014

Coddling someone with depression also doesn't help them. Instead, it enables their negative behavior patterns and they sink lower into their "swamps of sorrow".

Depression is, by definition, selfish. It's obsessing over your own problems and issues to the point where the rest of the world falls away. I'm saying this as someone who was horribly depressed both before his breakup (which is what caused it) and after it.

For the record, what caused my depression? A buttload of work stress...and the suicide of an ex-girlfriend whom I refused to take back because of her issues. She left behind family and friends. It was heartbreaking to see her 3-year old niece wander the memorial service looking for her auntie. Trust me, I've seen this situation more intimately than most people care to.

If therapy isn't helping, you need to tell your therapist that. Either they're not connecting with you well enough, or you need to be medicated to stem the chemical imbalance going on inside you right now.

It'll take some effort, but make sure you're eating right and exercising. The hormones you release by working out will help you more than you might expect.

Selfishness is okay, but make it a positive selfishness that takes your child into account as well. Alternatively, if you're feeling this crappy, have someone else watch your kid while you recover - she shouldn't be exposed to the miasma of negativity.

Enabling and empathy are different things. I too have been down the rabbit hole. My husband was bi-polar, I have suffered situational depression and been in therapy in the past, and I have a couple of friends that have required facility treatment for their depression. I would argue that your definition of depression is very limited and in many instances is wrong.

March 4, 2014

Wow, similar stories here. Please please know that even though you can't see the light right now, its around the corner. Take it day by day or hour by hour if need be. You do have a child to think about so maybe that will help you get by.

Like I said, similar stories. We dated 3 years. Thought we were "it". No more men for me. He was my one true love. Thought I was his. We live 30 minutes apart and got cold feet. He says it was the distance. I say it was me. I say he couldnt handle the committment.

I say that now. We havent spoken in 3 months. Last time we spoke he told me he had no feelings for me at all. Wow. Talk about an ego blow and the downward spiral to what I thought was a good life.

I lived in the dark, cried every single day, never thought I would get the ache out of my chest or nausea out of my stomach. Although, I wouldn't commit suicide, I did pray that I just didnt wake up the next morning. It was that bad.

I reached out though. To friends, family, Dr's, and sought therapy. With all that help I am slowly finding my way back. Its not peachy yet, and I don't know how long that will take, but I have 2 children that need me. I have to find a way out or I risk messing up that relationship too. My heart cant afford that heartache. Their love and need is much greater than a man's.

I hope you seek the help you need to turn your feelings in the right direction.

March 4, 2014

I wouldnt say that rude comments like "i have no sympathy for you" or a comment that I got "thats codependency, probably why he broke up with you. We have all had our hearts broken, Be an adult" are useful at all. Actually i felt even more suicidal. (It turns out it was caused by hormones and other things in my life as well as the breakup) You should be more careful and think before you say hurtful things to people who are already at rock bottom. If you have nothing useful to say...

March 4, 2014

I wouldnt say that rude comments like "i have no sympathy for you" or a comment that I got "thats codependency, probably why he broke up with you. We have all had our hearts broken, Be an adult" are useful at all. Actually i felt even more suicidal. (It turns out it was caused by hormones and other things in my life as well as the breakup) You should be more careful and think before you say hurtful things to people who are already at rock bottom. If you have nothing useful to say...

I said that out of anger as a parent, that someone could even contemplate suicide and risk the long term damage that would cause their child. It was harsh, but hopefully OP realizes how bad it is to even consider it an option. Sorry if it was too harsh.

March 4, 2014

Ready2settle --

I am so sorry you are going through this. Two important things give me hope for you: 1). you are getting therapy and 2). you know how devastated your child would be if something happened to you.

Yes, it seems bleak. You have a lot to work through. However with a supportive medical professional you will be able to get through this. I am just coming out of 2 years of depression which involved my parents' deaths. For the longest time I could not function. With a lot of work, it's improving & although I don't feel great I do feel better.

Listen to your friends. This man did this -- he lied to you; you didn't do anything wrong.

That said, your "picker" may be off. You said you had 2 cheaters to deal with. The good news is once you identify the problem -- how you picked these guys -- you can correct the problem & learn to pick better men who will be faithful.

Hang in there.

March 5, 2014

Coddling someone with depression also doesn't help them. Instead, it enables their negative behavior patterns and they sink lower into their "swamps of sorrow".

We're not coddling but telling her she doesn't have to feel ashamed or humiliated for something that many people have gone through no matter what her personal life situation is.

March 5, 2014

I cant believe some of you people here. Someone is reaching out for help and you mock and insult them, Shame on you. I dont care if you have, havent been depressed before or whatever...this person is hurting dearly, she needs reassurance not blame and chastizing.

Unbelievable.

OP, I hope for and wish you strength, peace and healing. God bless you.

March 22, 2014

you do realize that you have a girl and she depended on you to go through life .. don't destroy that, your life is more valuable to your little girl and your family and your friends .. he's a HUGE A**, trust me just focus on your little girl and the right man will come to your door.

my girlfriend dumped me when i ask her to marry me she said

"if your salary raised to 20,000 SAR nearly 5400 $ then we'll talk"

i know i'm not a good looking guy, my weight 164 lb, but i give her everything i know i don't have much

but i think the thought counts, right?

this is my life and my experience in suicidal thoughts:

i have a dead end job "900 $ a month"

my car payment 437$ a month

rent is 1100 a year

my family lives 9 hours driving distance

my dad kicked me out 2 years ago because i couldn't finish college

my dad didn't speaks to me for over 19 months and his last words were "drop dead"

so basically no home, no family, small car, no wife, bad salary

and i think daily about put an end to my life but i don't

because mom calls me all the time and she try to get me back to a much less driving distance to another city but i know my dad he will kill me if he saw me

my mom is the reason that i'm living today

and if you think about it again just remember me

and my country saudi arabia "it's really bad here"

no booze, no girls, no movie theaters, nothing nothing

just one daily huge sausage fest in here

Edited March 22, 2014 by al_al
a better arrangement

March 22, 2014

To those of you that think she should just "get over it".... depression is a clinical disease, just like diabetes or high blood pressure. It needs to be treated. No one can 'will it away' or 'suck it up' anymore than they could cure their diabetes by 'sucking it up'. Having a child or not having a child does not affect it in any way.

Believe me, readytosettle.... I know exactly how you feel. I have been there and done that. Your treatment (I hope you are on meds) is not working. Please, please get your doc to change to a different med or find a new doc. The right treatment will make a dramatic difference. You may still feel depressed/sad, but you will be able to function and see hope for the future. It makes all the difference.

Be sure and post here... there are people here who understand.

March 22, 2014

I want you to know first and foremost, what you are dealing with is completely normal. There is such a stigma with anything related to "suicide" as in... "Oh my god, they've lost their mind"

You've dealt with a traumatic experience and your body has went into self protection mode right now. I know reading this may be hard to register with you right now, you're in a dark haze that you can't seem to get out of but read it as many times as you need to!.

I was in your shoes, the negative intrusive thoughtsand found comfort in trying to change my lifestyle. Taking a few supplements that have seemed to helped alleviate my mood. Excercise and most important... Socialize! It does wonders for the soul.

These thoughts come from you having too much time to think negative... Which then leads to anxiety over the thoughts and boom... It becomes a vicious, dark spiral.

Allow the thoughts to come, but don't do anything with them, acknowledge that they're there, and continue doing what you're doing, even when it seems impossible.

The guarantee that you won't hurt yourself is because you posted here. Suicidal people don't care, they aren't scared of the idea as they act on it... When the thought scares you... And you cry for help. That shows you still have hope.

I would get set up with a therapist and start working on getting things stabilized. I promise you, you will be okay.

Edited March 22, 2014 by STM206

March 22, 2014

OP, you have received some really good words of encouragement here so I only have one small thing to add. The reason I believe you feel so defeated is because you turned him into your white knight, to save you from your past hurts. We become dependent on others to complete us and become our backbone when we do this. You don't need anyone to save you, you are a grown woman and a mother and you are very capable of saving yourself. It is time for you to be who you always wanted to be by dealing with your past issues by yourself with professional support and learning how to love yourself. You don't receive validity by others opinions of you, only what you believe about yourself.

Best,

Grumps

March 22, 2014

OP, not sure of your beliefs but try reading from the Psalms (in the Bible) daily. Also, Matthew, Mark, Luke, John (the first four books, segments, of the New Testament in the Bible) daily. You'll be amazed how healing they are.

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