longjourney Posted March 4, 2014 Posted March 4, 2014 Hi folks that's it in a nutshell. Is it okay? Porn? Looking at almost naked women on the web, on FB pages? He did it before and during and even though he is "TRYING" with me, he thinks its a right of passage because he's a "guy". Thoughts?
BHsigh Posted March 4, 2014 Posted March 4, 2014 I personally don't see ny problems with him looking at porn on webpages. Did you have any issues with it before his affair? And about the Facebook pages, are you talking about other women's profiles or just the "like" pages? I could see there being a problem with him trolling profiles, but the pages should be ok as long as you have full access to his account. Of course, ultimately it's up to you, and if it bothers you then he should stop. Affairs change the entire dynamic of relationships, what didn't bother you before can and will now. If you don't like it, then he shouldn't do it. He should be ready and willing to give it up on the basis that you don't like it alone, particularly during reconciliation, It's just porn either way. 1
PoopHappens Posted March 4, 2014 Posted March 4, 2014 I don't think there is a correct answer for this one. Some people are morally against porn while others aren't. I think it can be addictive and cause potential problems with a relationship. But so can alcohol, gambling and other potentially addictive practices. Used in moderation?
Keenly Posted March 4, 2014 Posted March 4, 2014 I've said this in many other threads. You do not own your significant others eyes, nor their sexuality. You also can not use the A as a reason to attempt to own their sexuality. 2
veritas lux mea Posted March 4, 2014 Posted March 4, 2014 My husband and i realized that continuing behaviour like that can be harmful for a time. I also don't buy the guy's right ****. Guys don't need porn. There thingy won't fall of without it. And if a guy rips your hear out by cheatin but can't even give up porn for you he has either no motivation to save his marriage or an actual porn addiction. So in short. If the porn bothers you talk to your spouse about it and see if he is willing to give it up for you. But if it doesn't bother you don't tell him he can't just to "punish" him because that will breed resentment. 3
Eggplant Posted March 4, 2014 Posted March 4, 2014 If I had just had an affair and I were truly ashamed, the whole subject of sex would be temporarily traumatic. Porn would not be enjoyable. Now I'm not a man, and I don't know how this guy thinks or how even a typical man thinks. But I wonder how sorry this person really is. And if he's not sorry, I'm not sure what value he is to you. 2
2sunny Posted March 4, 2014 Posted March 4, 2014 Yes, it's acceptable - and obviously he's going to do it. If you can't accept it - you have a decision to make based on who he is and what he's going to continue doing.
Author longjourney Posted March 4, 2014 Author Posted March 4, 2014 Yes, it's acceptable - and obviously he's going to do it. If you can't accept it - you have a decision to make based on who he is and what he's going to continue doing. Then tell me how I am to tell my brain it is acceptable when all it does is make me think about the OW, and how she is SO beautiful. I am guessing most of the replies here are not from BWs. Because I can tell you after an A, in my case a LTA all him looking at sexy half dressed/naked women on FB pages (not profiles, that I know of anyway) breaks me. My self esteem is shattered already. It makes me think of the OW who was what most men consider hot, sexy and beautiful. I am the OW are COMPLETE opposites. So when he looks at porn/women it reinforces the fact that I am not enough for him and he does not find me sexy. 2
xxoo Posted March 4, 2014 Posted March 4, 2014 Then tell me how I am to tell my brain it is acceptable when all it does is make me think about the OW, and how she is SO beautiful. I am guessing most of the replies here are not from BWs. Because I can tell you after an A, in my case a LTA all him looking at sexy half dressed/naked women on FB pages (not profiles, that I know of anyway) breaks me. My self esteem is shattered already. It makes me think of the OW who was what most men consider hot, sexy and beautiful. I am the OW are COMPLETE opposites. So when he looks at porn/women it reinforces the fact that I am not enough for him and he does not find me sexy. Have you told him this? Considering the way you feel, caused by what he did, his insistence o. Using porn right now seems heartless. If he isn't heartless, then maybe he's being defensive. Maybe he really is unhappy in the marriage and needs this crutch to cope. Time to dig deep and ask the tough questions. Push. 3
harrybrown Posted March 4, 2014 Posted March 4, 2014 Sorry that you are having this rotten experience. You are feeling a lot of pain. Your self-esteem is shattered. I do think you are too hard on yourself. He did marry you and you have worth. So you do have many good qualities. I do know the feelings of hurt from betrayal. It messes with your head and your self-esteem. You are comparing yourself to others at their best, and you not at your best. Did your H go with you to MC? He did things with the OW. What is he doing for you? What effort is he making and is he remorseful? When you told him it bothers you, he is not showing remorse or helping your self-esteem. I hope your counselor helps your H to see things from your viewpoint. 2
thinkingofhim Posted March 4, 2014 Posted March 4, 2014 Porn doesn't really bother me, however, I think if you as the BS are willing to attempt R, then you get to set new boundaries and conditions on what is acceptable to you. If you can't deal with him looking at porn after the Affair, I think you need to make it clear to him that this will be unacceptable if he is going to R with you. I don't think there's anything wrong with that. But honestly I don't know why you are trying to R with him anyways. It doesn't seem like he has much respect for any of your wishes. Doesn't he still have a secret phone? Sorry to be blunt, but all of your threads make it sound like you are throwing good money after bad trying to R with this man. 2
gettingstronger Posted March 4, 2014 Posted March 4, 2014 I have no issue with porn at all BUT if you are trying to R and he is truly "all in" he would understand that this concerns you and refrain from it-the idea of R is to create trust and stability in the relationship so he should be doing all he can to meet that goal with you- 1
A.Moscote Posted March 4, 2014 Posted March 4, 2014 Watching porn just by itself is a personal choice of anyone. But now there's a context or situation attached to it that it's no longer personal. If he's aware of how much it affected you, but still continue watching porn so openly/regularly, then it's not acceptable and indeed very inconsiderate. Try again to discuss this with him and see how much he perceive this issue. Make him aware that this is something very critical to you and to the marriage. I'm struggling with porn too, so be polite and understanding but don't be afraid to demand and stand for your own sake. 2
Realist3 Posted March 4, 2014 Posted March 4, 2014 Hi folks that's it in a nutshell. Is it okay? Porn? Looking at almost naked women on the web, on FB pages? He did it before and during and even though he is "TRYING" with me, he thinks its a right of passage because he's a "guy". Thoughts? If he did it before and all along, I'm not sure how you can object now. Even though it triggers you, you are likely to just create resentment. Secondly, I thought you filed for divorce. What difference dos it make?
Sub Posted March 4, 2014 Posted March 4, 2014 If his response to your feelings is the "it's a right of passage for guys", there may be a bigger issue that you need to hash out. If he took the time to give you a thoughtful response that actually addresses your concerns, it would be more acceptable. He's being too dismissive, IMO. There's nothing I feel is inherently wrong with watching porn once and a while. It can be constructive, keep things fresh, etc. But the "guy" thing is B.S. And I'm a guy.
kalimata Posted March 4, 2014 Posted March 4, 2014 Tell him how you feel, and that when he looks at porn it makes you insecure. If it bothers you then he needs to stop it, period. He was the one who decided to go outside the marriage, so if you want to reconcile with him, then he needs to figure out how to do it.
Keenly Posted March 4, 2014 Posted March 4, 2014 Tell him how you feel, and that when he looks at porn it makes you insecure. If it bothers you then he needs to stop it, period. He was the one who decided to go outside the marriage, so if you want to reconcile with him, then he needs to figure out how to do it. No. She is the one with the insecurity, and that's on her. I'm also very early about the " if it bother her, he needs to stop, period. " That's not controlling at ALL. 1
BHsigh Posted March 4, 2014 Posted March 4, 2014 No. She is the one with the insecurity, and that's on her. I'm also very early about the " if it bother her, he needs to stop, period. " That's not controlling at ALL. You have a point, but it appears that this insecurity was caused by his affair. She never mentioned having problems with porn before. 4
Spark1111 Posted March 4, 2014 Posted March 4, 2014 I've said this in many other threads. You do not own your significant others eyes, nor their sexuality. You also can not use the A as a reason to attempt to own their sexuality. While I agree with this in theory, if your SO cheated on you and you now discover her viewing hot, younger, naked men on porn sites, I can reasonably assure you it would blow your mind with ADDITIONAL INSECURITIES. At the very least, it is insensitive in the extreme. 4
Chi townD Posted March 4, 2014 Posted March 4, 2014 I agree with talking to him. But, on the flip side, if the worse thing he's doing is looking at images on a screen; well, you know first hand that there are worse things he could be doing.
cozycottagelg Posted March 5, 2014 Posted March 5, 2014 Your husband has absolutely no respect for you, whatsoever. I don't think porn in general is an issue. But if it bothers you, he shouldn't do it. It's just one more thing he is doing to show you that he doesn't respect you. 1
DasPope Posted March 7, 2014 Posted March 7, 2014 All men look at porn ... its a given. Don't worry about it.
Kevin_D Posted March 7, 2014 Posted March 7, 2014 Watching porn is like watching an action movie; Just because I enjoy watching Arnold Schwarzernegger blowing peoples heads off with a minigun, doesn't meant I'm unhappy with my current life. It may be different for women, I really have no idea, but for men, watching porn is pretty much like going to the bathroom. You have a little quiet moment on your own. It doesn't mean that you want to date other women, it doesn't meant that you're not happy with your girlfriend, it's completely different.
cozycottagelg Posted March 7, 2014 Posted March 7, 2014 Watching porn is like watching an action movie; Just because I enjoy watching Arnold Schwarzernegger blowing peoples heads off with a minigun, doesn't meant I'm unhappy with my current life. It may be different for women, I really have no idea, but for men, watching porn is pretty much like going to the bathroom. You have a little quiet moment on your own. It doesn't mean that you want to date other women, it doesn't meant that you're not happy with your girlfriend, it's completely different. I completely agree with this. However, her husband had a very long term affair...was discovered, kept going and has repeatedly disrespected her throughout the marriage. The fact that he thinks he is entitled to porn is annoying to me. At the very least he should be watching it when she isn't home... I don't know. I think I just don't like this guy in general. I have no issues with porn at all. 1
violet1 Posted March 7, 2014 Posted March 7, 2014 I completely agree with this. However, her husband had a very long term affair...was discovered, kept going and has repeatedly disrespected her throughout the marriage. The fact that he thinks he is entitled to porn is annoying to me. At the very least he should be watching it when she isn't home... I don't know. I think I just don't like this guy in general. I have no issues with porn at all. I don't think this man has any respect for her at all. He already told her he wanted to leave her for the OW. OP, your posts break my heart. I'm a strong believer in reconciliation. However, I don't think he'll ever put forth the effort you need to feel secure in your relationship. Sometimes relationships can't be saved after an affair. I think you need to go through with the divorce. Let him go and let yourself heal. You can't stay with someone who continues to destroy your self esteem. 2
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