My Update (Long)

[Eroded]

Hey, I'm not sure if this sorta thing is really allowed, but I know based on some of my previous threads, a few people did worry about me, so I wanted to ensure I cleared things up a bit.

 

My previous threads, from oldest to most recent:

 

September 14th, 2013

September 19th, 2013

October 3rd, 2013

 

Long story short, I faced a huge bout of depression upon finding out that my husband was being babied by his parents, and that all three of them were financially using me, expecting me to financially care for him during his music degree and beyond, to my own sacrifice (hence my username); and mentally and emotionally abusing me and constantly using gaslighting techniques to make me feel I was crazy and unreasonable.

 

On October 10th, 2013, my husband told me he wanted to end our marriage and no longer loved me because I had set up marriage therapy rather than individual, like he and his family wanted, as they felt that I just needed therapy to "deal with it". He told me I was "too depressed" for him and no longer attractive as a result, and that his feelings had changed.

 

I had tried to fight for our marriage back, and there was a lot of ugliness. His mom called me a "third world country gold digger" (my family is Honduran), ridiculed my mom's accent, said that I was "Hispanic trash" and out to get money however I could get it. She "diagnosed" me with Borderline Personality Disorder and she and my husband threw me out of my house after she moved in, packed all of my belongings, and my husband told me to never come back home (I had been staying the week with my mom to get therapy as I had had suicidal thoughts as a result of this marriage).

 

His mom placed all of the blame of the divorce on me, and said that she was filing divorce for her son because I was "getting in the way" of his professional music career and causing him too much stress in school. She stole my engagement and wedding rings from me, citing that she asked for them back on the divorce decree anyway. She and my husband's father hired a lawyer, told me to never talk to their son again except through the lawyer, and the three of them filed for divorce on October 30th.

 

His lawyer told me in mid November (when I was finally able to speak to the lawyer) that the family's intention was to take half of my savings account (which account I held since I was 17 and tracked every cent but $100 [out of several thousand] to a contribution from my income) and threatened to press for a jury trial and alimony for my able husband. Meanwhile, the last day I had access to his Amazon account, I saw that he and his mom had been searching for hidden cameras and recording devices. His mother was also penning a letter "from him" to me, airing his grievances towards me, and claiming I had abused him through the marriage by expecting him to work and help us support the household.

 

During all of this time, my depression overall ceased. I did have a few suicidal thoughts, but nothing more than what would be considered normal during an ugly divorce (thoughts of 'I wish I wasn't going through this'). I saw two psychiatrists, two MDs, and two therapists, as well as spoke to leaders at my church about this. All of these people, after I spilled my story and put the blame on myself, helped me come to terms with the fact that my ex-husband had been abusing me and his sole intent in wooing me away from my previous fiance was to have me baby him and support him with my relatively well paying career path. They all dismissed and laughed at his mother's assertion that I had any sort of psychiatric conditions and only gave me a low dosage medicine because I requested it to help me get through December, which was going to be a difficult month (it would've been our 18 month marriage mensiversary, it had his birthday, and our favorite holidays to celebrate together). I was surrounded by love and friends who expressed that they had supported me with no provocation from my side, as I didn't want people to pick sides.

 

I began to study the divorce laws for my state and became pretty knowledgeable in the subject, and used my research skills to research their lawyer, who I found out had only recently passed the Bar and was likely working pro-bono.

 

I by chance ran into old 'friends' and an ex-girlfriend of his who had all explained to me that he has been given to selfishness, dependence, and enjoying being babied by his parents. And who also affirmed that his mother was psychotic and tyrannical (his ex-girlfriend explained that was the reason she broke up with him... at 17). These old friends of his (one of which being my brother-in-law) almost unanimously told me that he was also given to believing he is God's gift to womankind, and became infatuated with a girl, pursued her, asked her out, got rejected, then moved onto the next one. I found out I just happened to be the girl who said "yes" to him, and this also explained why he seemed to randomly hate so many girls' boyfriends with such passion. These friends I spoke to are all friends who my ex-husband believes are true, loyal friends. He rarely speaks to them but still believes they are true friends, as he has the tendency to dump friends when he feels they get in the way of his music "career". Oddly enough, I never thought I'd be one of them. These friends who he believes are true friends all say they distance themselves from him, not being able to stand that he hasn't grown up yet.

 

Either way, time went by after I had submitted my answer to the divorce, and I was given a settlement agreement by the lawyer in early January. I laughed as the settlement agreement had specific mention that they had quitclaim all interest in my savings or any of the belongings and that I would quitclaim all responsibility, legal, financial, and otherwise, to our marital apartment, which he is apparently still living in. I walked away from the divorce only losing $780 from an Education Credit check that they asked for and I thought only made sense that he had. They, on the other hand, walked away likely paying the lawyer, as well as all of the filing fees for the divorce, paying for his gas to drive an hour each way to school while they were deciding what to do with the apartment, moving costs. Twice (they had moved him out of the apartment and then back in, I suppose). And that his parents are now paying well over $2,500 a month to support him now that I'm not subsidizing it anymore. That last part makes me laugh, because his family claimed his dad made an income of $100,000, but people close to the family have told me they've been struggling for money for years now, but hide it from my ex-husband so he can have a good image of their finances and believe nothing is wrong.

 

Either way, on January 28th, I got two pieces of good news.

 

First, I woke up to a job offer from an IT firm I had interviewed with that was going to basically pave the way to my career, as my (now) boss is going to pay for all of my computer certifications, help me with studying for them, and has said on more than one occasion that he wants me to quickly advance out of what I'm doing because he feels my potential is wasted there. The pay is also much better, and I'm up for a raise in a month.

 

Unlike my old job, I am now working Monday through Friday from 9 AM to 6 PM, which has greatly improved my emotional health and energy. I feel like a new person. Previously, I was working holidays, weekends, and until 2 or 3 AM, making me sluggish and always missing out on family and friend hangouts. I now hang out with my friends at least once a week, making me feel 23 again.

 

I had also received the final decree in the mail, further solidifying my new life.

 

I also found a really good deal on an new car. The car that I had wanted for a while now. I can more than afford it now, and feel grateful having a reliable car to take to work. My ex-husband and his family told me I didn't deserve a new car for my 30 mile round trip to school, and reduced me to tears and apologies for expressing I had needed one because mine had a lot of issues. My ex-husband is still driving the 2006 car that his parents bought for him and are making ridiculously high payments on, but are also running repairs on it, I hear.

 

As far as the car I was driving before goes, I signed the title to a very dear friend of mine, whose husband lost his job and as a result, they are about to lose their home. My car has been reliable for a while now, and has always been reliable to drive the commutes they're looking for, so I gave it to them and told them they can sell it to fix their two broken cars, or drive it to have a greater perimeter to look for a job. That is not to brag, but to feel glad that I am in a position to give back in exactly the same way someone did to my family as a teenager.

 

I'm getting involved in extra enrichment activities, like learning Japanese and networking, and am deciding on whether I should take up bellydancing or jiu-jitsu. I don't know where my life is going now, but I feel confident that it's going in a great direction and that I'm only coming closer to who I have always wanted to be.

 

I haven't heard much about my ex-husband, nor do I think of him or his family often, but what I have heard has been overwhelmingly negative. I have heard people tell me that he's been horribly depressed since he told me he wanted a divorce. Lately, they have told me that he's been angry, critical, and has had a horrible temperament with others, and that he looks absolutely miserable.

 

I also 'graduated' from therapy two weeks ago, with my therapist telling me I didn't really need it, because she said I am doing and have been doing everything that therapists prescribe to patients. She has on file that I self-therapy very well and have no issues.

 

Needless to say, while I feel pain here and there about what I lost, I feel excitement above all at what I've gained and where I'm going. I also know even better what to look for and what to do in a next relationship if or when that time comes. Thank you all for your help and impartial advice. I read through the replies to one of my threads and see that I now know what I was afraid to learn.

Edited March 4, 2014 by Eroded