sleepingdogs Posted January 24, 2005 Posted January 24, 2005 Hi all 4 years ago my wife went to a friend's wedding on her own because I was stuck at work. It took place over 4 days since it was overseas. I called her everyday and the day in her hotel room and the last day before she came back I called her at midnight her time (there was a 9H time difference) and she didn't answer. I called back at 1, 2, 3, 4 and still no answer. I asked the hotel security to go check into her room and they said no one was there... The next day I did talk to her from the airport and she said she went to a party that lasted very late. She came back to our house and I tried to get physically close to her but she pushed me away akwardly and aggressively telling me she was not in the mood (I was not being pushy just affectionate) I felt her reaction was really strange but didn't give it any more thought. 2 months later, after going through some therapy, she came home and told me she had to tell me something. she started crying and telling me that she had met someone at that wedding and that she had felt close to him but nothing had happened except for some hand holding. She told me she had kept his e-mail address on her desk at work for a couple of weeks debating whether to get in touch but had decided that she loved ME and threw that guy's address away. I pushed and pushed but she did not crack, she stood by her story that nothing had happened. 4 years later, we are very happy, we have had 2 kids and I really can't complain about anything but after watching a movie, my mind wondered back to this episode and I feel quite sure that she cheated on me that night but decided not to tell me by fear of not being forgiven and putting an end to our wedding. I think the "attraction" story she fed me was a way for her to get it off her chest without actually fessing up... I could (should?) let this go, but I feel that honesty and trust are such cornerstone in a relationship I should really confront her with this. What do you guys think? thks
TMCM Posted January 24, 2005 Posted January 24, 2005 Fear of losing a spouse for a past infidelity is very real and can drive the former unfaithful spouse to lie. It's easy to want to know the truth but can YOU handle the truth if your suspicions turn out to be right? If the answer is yes, then you have to approach your W very delicately and convey to her that you love her and that you truly forgive her if she was unfaithful to you 4 years ago and that when she's ready to come forward with the whole truth, you will be there to listen to her. The point is to create an emotional environment where she will feel safe to open up and tell you the whole truth without fear of losing you for good. So please think very carefully about whether or not you want and can handle the truth. TMCM
kypepeo Posted January 24, 2005 Posted January 24, 2005 Women are more emotional than you men understand.For us,getting close to someone, talking to them with no inhibitions means a lot to us and is usually the precursor to our falling in love.it makes us feel validated and like we matter. When she bonded with this other guy,she sort of felt like she was cheating on you and that's why she didn't tell you at first.Why don't you trust her? Has she ever given you reason not to? The fact that she threw the address away shows that she cares for you and your marriage. I think you need to work on the trust on your end because when she tells you something, you should believe her unless you really have reason not to
hurtingandconfused Posted January 24, 2005 Posted January 24, 2005 Women are more emotional than you men understand.For us,getting close to someone, talking to them with no inhibitions means a lot to us and is usually the precursor to our falling in love.it makes us feel validated and like we matter. When she bonded with this other guy,she sort of felt like she was cheating on you and that's why she didn't tell you at first.Why don't you trust her? Has she ever given you reason not to? The fact that she threw the address away shows that she cares for you and your marriage. I think you need to work on the trust on your end because when she tells you something, you should believe her unless you really have reason not to Blah....all I have to say about that response. Dig up the truth if you really want, it may not be what you truly want. Ask yourself, are you ready for the truth?
nap Posted January 24, 2005 Posted January 24, 2005 Sleepingdogs, Your story is similar to mine and I know the feeling, although in my case i was a little more trusting - my mistake. In 1996, my wife admitted a "soft" affair - just a passionate kiss. This affair took place around 1991 - so the story goes. Between 91 and 96 we had two additional childrenj. After my devastation I decided to let things ride, after all it wasn't a full blown affair - she said she pulled away before it got serious. I trusted what i was told. Guess what? In 2003 she decided to fess up more information - it was a planned, multi-meeting affair culminating in oral sex...but of course, she again said she pulled away before it got serious. Now I don't know what to believe and my trust is completely fried. So...if you ask me.....I would not let sleeping dogs lie. I did and the dogs sneaked off leaving a pillow under the sheets. I think you gut is telling you something. Ciao
alphamale Posted January 24, 2005 Posted January 24, 2005 Originally posted by sleepingdogs I could (should?) let this go, but I feel that honesty and trust are such cornerstone in a relationship I should really confront her with this. What do you guys think? Confront her if you want an end to the marriage. Don't confront if you want to stay married. This the be-all and end-all of your situation cause both you and I know what really happend that nite half-way round the world. The answer to the question of "should we let sleeping dogs lie" is: It depends on how big and mean the dog is...
Moose Posted January 24, 2005 Posted January 24, 2005 Leave it alone. That's what I'd do. She's already told you what she felt you needed to know. If something else happened it'll eat at her and eventually she'll bring it up herself. Why should you live in misery for something she should feel guilty about? Assume the worse, get over it, leave her alone and continue on. If you confront her about it, you'll meet up with some resistance and there's no sense in rocking the boat if everything has been going ok. You need to just forget about it and get it out of your mind.
Cecelius Posted January 24, 2005 Posted January 24, 2005 Was she your wife at the time? Personally, given what I have heard, I would have at the time just expressed my regret that she was still kind of up for grabs emotionally, but that it would be better for her to be free to pursue the other man, and then walked away. I would not have had children after hearing that story. However, IF I had been willing to overlook this getting "close" experience (in my book, a good person is able, with no difficulty, to avoid getting into situations where they may end up physically or emotionally cheating on you), I would have explained VERY clearly that if it turned out that she was not telling the absolute truth about what had actually happened, she would be dumped with no questions asked, no drama, and no emotion, 4 years, 4 kids, 4 decades later is not relevant. A relationship that proceeds with a major lie at its root is not really a relationship. A good person has some mental and emotional backbone. Frankly, as to the past, I think you know the answer. There was: 1) a wedding (girls get especially emotional at them; yours may be this type) 2) a reception (booze) 3) a "vacation" (and cheating on vacation doesn't count) 4) hotel rooms 5) Her lack of response and her disappearance for that period You think this guy was super nice and spent all that time with her just holding hands? You think he didn't try anything more? If he didn't, why did she hang with him so long -- hoping that he would eventually try something?
Author sleepingdogs Posted January 24, 2005 Author Posted January 24, 2005 Yes she was my wife at the time and yes you are right with the different points you have highlighted. When she told me about it (about 2 months after it had happened) I did push to find out if there was anything more to the story. We went on a 2 week vacation right after and during that time also tried to bring it up a few times but she said that she had told the truth. That's when I decided to let sleeping dogs lie and I can't say I regret it since our relationship has been great and that we really love each other. It probably will not serve any purpose to bring up this episode since it's well in the past but something inside of me woke up yesterday and I have a very strong gut feeling that she DID cheat on me that night. They met at this wedding, which, as you pointed out is an emotional place to be at. They were BOTH without their significant other, which is why they sat next to each other, they were (probably) staying at the same hotel which means that they went back together that first night and probably hung out together for the next few days culminating in that last evening where I couldn't get in touch with her. Had there only been the wedding night, I would believe nothing happened. Since there were 3 or 4 days after, I'm now pretty much convinced something did... the question remains, do I bring it up? If so how? and for what purpose... I don't want to lose my wife, but I do want her to be honest and I don't want to be made a fool of....
whichwayisup Posted January 24, 2005 Posted January 24, 2005 4 years later, we are very happy, we have had 2 kids and I really can't complain about anything but after watching a movie, my mind wondered back to this episode and I feel quite sure that she cheated on me that night but decided not to tell me by fear of not being forgiven and putting an end to our wedding. I think the "attraction" story she fed me was a way for her to get it off her chest without actually fessing up... Seems something in that movie set you off? What was the movie? That is your lead in. Just tell her, (if that was the case...) something in the movie brought back something for me and upset me...I need you to just tell me the truth. Whatever it is we can work through it.... Just make sure you ARE prepared for her answer. She may not have slept with the guy, maybe heavy flirting or kissing/fooling around...Just be ready and sure of what you want to say if you decide to discuss it with her. Maybe get someone to take the kids for the afternoon. Don't have a heavy talk at night...Just too much to digest. Hope this helps.
tiki Posted January 24, 2005 Posted January 24, 2005 Without hesitation, I'd ask. Explain to her what brought back the memories. She was commited to you, the least she could do is to reinforce that nothing happened. Don't you think that's kinda her job, as the 'straying' wife? She owes atleast that to you.
Bryanp Posted January 24, 2005 Posted January 24, 2005 Hello, If you do not have honesty in a marriage then what do you have? It seems quite obvious that she did indeed cheat on you. The sad part is that she is still disrespecting you by continuing to lie to you. You were married to her at the time and she has a duty to be honest with you. In addition, if she feels she can lie to you about this then what is to stop her in the future about lying about something else? Her continued lying indicates a great deal how she views you and how she views herself. You need the truth and she needs to be honest with you or your marriage is a mirage. I wish you luck.
Author sleepingdogs Posted January 24, 2005 Author Posted January 24, 2005 The movie was "Closer" with Julia Roberts & Jude Law. It's the story of 2 couples that get together, cheat on each other and get back together again. There are 3 scenes when one of the 2 guys confront one of the girls to find out if she has cheated. On all 3 occurences she has and on all 3 occurences it leads to a break up. Once because the girl is in love with the guy she cheated with Once because after finding out the guys gets so screwed up in his head that the relationship dies (Julia Roberts has this great line when after fessing up to having ONE encounter she tells her boyfriend that she can see the love seeping out of him) Once because the girl cannot stand that the guy does not trust her original response (which is a lie, nothing happened) During these scenes, I thought back on what happened 4 years ago and felt SURE that my wife had cheated on me then...
Author sleepingdogs Posted January 24, 2005 Author Posted January 24, 2005 The movie was "Closer" with Julia Roberts & Jude Law. It's the story of 2 couples that get together, cheat on each other and get back together again. There are 3 scenes when one of the 2 guys confront one of the girls to find out if she has cheated. On all 3 occurences she has and on all 3 occurences it leads to a break up. Once because the girl is in love with the guy she cheated with Once because after finding out, the guygets so screwed up in his head that the relationship dies (Julia Roberts has this great line when after fessing up to having ONE encounter she tells her boyfriend that she can see the love seeping out of him) Once because the girl cannot stand that the guy does not trust her original response (which is a lie) During these scenes, I thought back on what happened 4 years ago and felt SURE that my wife had cheated on me then... The outcome in the movie would push me to let this go but there is a strong feeling of wanting to find out the truth even though I KNOW it will KILL me (that is if in fact she did cheat and if she DOES admit to it)
Owl Posted January 24, 2005 Posted January 24, 2005 I think the advice you were given about asking was good...and make sure that you've not only got a good lead in and explanation to her for WHY you're asking, but that you've also already thought about what you're going to do in either circumstance. It seems to me that you also need to learn how to change your focus...and that is DARNED hard to do. I KNOW. When you've been cheated on, it's sooooo hard to get past it. To learn to recognize that its in the PAST...that its NOT going on now. She chose you...you've got to learn to focus on THAT. My wife had an emotional affair last Spring that culminated in her moving out in preperation in flying away to live with him...a man she'd never met in person. She didn't fly in the end...long story that you can look up here if you're interested. But...we just had a tough past couple of days...mostly because I'm still struggling with the same thing....recognizing that it IS IN THE PAST. She's NOT doing it now. Luckily, we talked about this last nite and this morning, and it's that kind of thing that helps me get over it. This happened four years ago. It's four years in the past. Do you have ANY REASON to suspect that it's still going on, or that she's in contact with him in any way fashion or form? If you have either of those worries, then I'd say talk with her about it. But if you are convinced that it is IN THE PAST...then make the concious choice to LEAVE IT THERE. And when it comes up again, LEAVE IT IN THE PAST. The only reason I could see bringing it up is if you really and truly feel it has a lot of relevance on your current relationship. If you can't get over it, and have to talk it out with her...then do so following the suggestion you got earlier on how to approach it. Good luck friend.
whichwayisup Posted January 24, 2005 Posted January 24, 2005 OK. You need to tell her watching that movie upset you and made your mind and emotions go back 4 years ago. Tell her this is not to hurt her, but something you felt is now in your head and she needs to come clean be 100% upfront and honest with you. Does she have any contact with this person in the last 4 years? Do you think that she could still keep in touch with him? Stuff like that, but I am sure I do not need to tell you what to say to your wife...Sorry. I hope you feel better talking to her and that this is just a bad reaction from the movie that upset you.
Ladyjane14 Posted January 24, 2005 Posted January 24, 2005 I'm not sure what you hope to accomplish here. If you are happy in your marriage today, why dredge all this up again? It seems a possibility that something may have happened 4 years ago. It's also a possibility that she already told you the truth about it. She has already admitted to a flirtation, the rest could be a case of circumstancial evidence coupled with your imagination. Maybe there are other factors at work here. Maybe there is some work to be done in regards to your relationship with her. It's difficult to maintain intimacy in a relationship when your kids are young and demanding. Often the hectic pace of family life leaves a man feeling under-valued and under-prioritized. So, how are all the other aspects of your relationship? Could this current worry, stemming from an incident 4 years ago, be a symptom of something else currently lacking in the marriage?
Author sleepingdogs Posted January 24, 2005 Author Posted January 24, 2005 Thanks for your message and I hope that things work out for you (it seems like it is on the right track) As to your point, I AM convinced it's in the past, I AM convinced nothing is happening now, but I also know that the need to know on my end is REALLY strong. It's a human emotion, very similar to when you look at an accidend on the side of the road. You don't want to look for fear of what you may see, but almost everyone does... I know that bringing it up is playing with fire cause It could disrupt my feelings for her or her feelings for me but I'm not sure I can resist the temptation of trying to find out... Just for my peace of mind.
whichwayisup Posted January 24, 2005 Posted January 24, 2005 Then listen to you gut. Take your time to figure out what you want to say...Maybe write her a letter...Words can really express deep felt feelings. Let her read it, sit beside her, hold her hand and make sure she knows you love her and whatever the outcome is you both are going to stay together no matter what. Just a suggestion for ya.
CurlyIam Posted January 24, 2005 Posted January 24, 2005 I totally understand this fascination you have for the dark side... whether she cheated on you... how she cheated.. She didn't cheat you. Trust me. If she had, she would have felt guilty and would have had sex with you. Funny thing is this is the only possibility you're not taking into consideration. Jealousy is like a monster. IF you let it, it will take over your life. Trust me, if she would have cheated, you'd have felt it. How? IT's like something new animating someone. A flow of energy. She did not cheat. Women are not like men. We feel emotion much more intensely and we give it much more importance. Hence the email, the thinking, the attraction. Had she cheated... it was sex. Why hesitate to call a guy with whom she already did the dreaded act? For what? Another one? Sexual adventures are totally different from emotional ones. In your case, your wife experienced temptation. REMEMBER that no one is perfect. It is not a sin to feel tempted. IT's a sin to act on it. Look at your life and at your wife. It is very easy to demand explination, to give in to your personal deamons. You're not gonna get nowhere. Nowhere. Be strong and fight it. Chose to be strong.
Author sleepingdogs Posted January 24, 2005 Author Posted January 24, 2005 I think her hesitation was more linked to something like "we felt something for each other can we take it further" Whether they had sex or not doesn't really change anything except maybe that if they did and the physical chemistry had been unbelievable that would have pushed her towards him. Reading your post, I do feel it makes sense and it's ingteresting to see that all men on this thread think she DID cheat and most of the women feel she didn't but was just tempted...
tanbark813 Posted January 24, 2005 Posted January 24, 2005 Originally posted by CurlyIam She did not cheat. Women are not like men. We feel emotion much more intensely and we give it much more importance. I hate statements like this. It may be true for some men and some women, but certainly not all. Blanket statements == the devil. I can totally understand the OP's desire to know what really happened. Some people say "who cares? It's in the past". Well yeah, but a past that the OP was part of. It may have happened 4 years ago, but it was still part of both of their lives. And can we please stop romanticizing female infidelity. When a guy cheats, it's "oh he's just thinking with his penis". When a girl cheats it's somehow inflated to some emotional, deep, romantic dilemma. Please. Some girls just like to f*ck. To the OP, I understand your concern. If she only held hands, why the two month delay in telling you and the breakdown to the point of tears after a therapy session? And who holds hands until 4am?
Owl Posted January 24, 2005 Posted January 24, 2005 I've got to say I don't know if she did or didn't... From my perspective, I wonder if that is really the issue. I'm more curious what you'll do if she says that she DID have a physical affair with him while she was there? So then are you going to have to know all of the details? Most guys do when something like this is found out. Realize that from her perspective, she screwed up in the most horrible way possible...four years ago. She has done everything she can to put it behind her and get it out of her mind. Bringing it up now, if there's no reason to fear that it's going on again, will truly make her doubt that you EVER forgave her for it. She's in a bad situation at the moment...either way. If she says no, nothing happened, WHY WOULD YOU BELIEVE HER NOW, IF YOU HAVEN'T BELIEVED HER FOR THE LAST FOUR YEARS? She'll have no way to prove or disprove anything at this point. And I've got to ask...WILL you believe her this time if she still says nothing happened? My thought is, probably not. She can't give you any more proof now than she did then...she's got even MORE reason to lie now...she's had four great years that she doesn't want to jeopardize...so why admit it now? And if she says yes, then the second round begins. You'll have a million questions...for which she may or may not have answers. Like I said...she's spent the last four years trying to FORGET this.... I've seen the same thing in my wife's case, and it was only 8 months ago. There's a "fog" that fills the mind of those in the affair...and when the affair lifts, that fog seems to make it that much harder for them to understand why they did what they did. And again...what will you do if she does admit to more? You'll want all those questions answered...and you'll wonder what else may have happened for the last four years. You'll have all these other doubts...and you'll just keep questioning and questioning. Personally, after four years, and all the effort to put it in the past, I'd seriously recommend that you let this one little trigger slide past, and focus on building your marriage as it is now...not how it was four years ago. I think the risk you're taking with your relationship with your wife may be greater than you think...and I seriously hope you STOP and THINK about what you'll do before you do ANYTHING. Good luck.
KANSAN Posted January 24, 2005 Posted January 24, 2005 Man or woman, right or wrong IMHO I think you should try to find out, it says something about a person that would lie to you for this long. If she really wanted to work on things she would have a hard time keeping a lie like that fron you. She might be telling the truth also just be prepared for the can of poo you could open. She has already answered this a few times what would you need to hear to make you leave it alone.
Ladyjane14 Posted January 24, 2005 Posted January 24, 2005 Originally posted by Owl Personally, after four years, and all the effort to put it in the past, I'd seriously recommend that you let this one little trigger slide past, and focus on building your marriage as it is now...not how it was four years ago. I think the risk you're taking with your relationship with your wife may be greater than you think...and I seriously hope you STOP and THINK about what you'll do before you do ANYTHING. This is REALLY good advice. If I was in your wife's shoes, and I was guilty of only a flirtation that I had already 'fessed up to.....I'd go off like an atomic bomb.
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