whatdreamsmaycome Posted March 3, 2014 Posted March 3, 2014 The three of us work in the same department and in the same office. During a "cutback" last August, Dean and I were spared and so began an interesting friendship between us. Introduced to the office were 4 more younger employees (early 20's), and one of them was a girl named Lydia. Earlier this year, while my friendship with Dean was getting closer and deeper, Lydia started asking questions about him, and eventually fell head-over-heels for him. He's a "nice guy" so he would cater to her whims, but expressed to me that he found her extremely annoying and needy. Because my friendship with Dean grew stronger, and she could see that, Lydia started treating me harshly... to the point where I couldn't stand being around her. Her personality vacillated between gushing about something nice Dean did for her, and her having attitude with me if he paid me too much attention. She told me that she would buy him Starbucks "his favorite, White Chocolate Mocha, no whip!" every Tuesday, and anytime she had a work-related issue (some issues she literally just made up) she would go to Dean for help and of course he would help her. Dean claimed he didn't know what to do about Lydia as he didn't like her in that way, and was annoyed at her neediness. With him being a "nice guy" it was hard for him to say no. I, reluctantly, told him that if he continued to accept "gifts" from her and was at her every beck and call that her behavior would likely continue. I left it at that because it was not really my business, but had to say something because he expressed that he didn't want to deal with her anymore. I thought it was sage advice. This week Dean asked me to lunch outside of work hours. I was confused as to how to take this and I thought perhaps he might be interested in me, but I also know that he's nice and enjoys our friendship. But then he asked me out on Friday to drinks. He did not make a move, but we definitely flirted. He then asked me out on Saturday, but I was watching my nieces and nephews. He offered to come by and bring them cupcakes. I had to refuse because it wasn't my home, but I thanked him for it. Today, I'm not sure what happened, but it feels like all hell broke loose. Dean and I both get to the office VERY early on Mondays, so we always have a bit of time to talk, it's almost ritual for us now. He told me that Lydia asked him to go to her house last night and he simply did not reply to the text. I told him that I was proud of him because he could have easily taken advantage of the situation. We ended up having a hour-long conversation about boundaries, leading-people on, manipulation, neediness, etc. And it seemed that he knew that he was leading Lydia on (whether intentionally of not), and that he was going to put a stop to it because he wanted to. I did not try to convince him of anything, I myself was not sure about my feelings towards him as he's not my usual type, but enjoy our friendship. When Lydia came in this morning, she saw us talking and she glared at us. Throughout the rest of the morning she was bitchy and snippy with me, going against what I said in front of my coworkers and giving them misinformation to contradict my reports. I had to set her straight in front of everybody, which I do not like doing at all, but she had it coming. Dean caught that and sympathized with me, and he said he understood that Lydia was treating me this way because of my relationship with him. He said that he was going to be up front with her and stop the nonsense. I very much appreciated that. They went to lunch together and I figured he would clear the air about everything. When Lydia came into the office she was giggly and happy, which I was thankful for, as I was tired of her bitchiness. And so we started chatting and she told me that Dean brushed up against her in line, pretended to nuzzle her neck at one point, bought her lunch, and ran his fingers through her hair at one point. So this definitely explains why she was so happy, but I was utterly confused. It's the exact opposite of what Dean had explained to me that he was going to do. I don't think Dean expected Lydia to tell me any of this, and I actually became upset because it occurred to me that this whole thing could be a game to Dean. He wants the 20 year old's attention, free Starbucks, and the feeling of being needed. And he could possibly using me to spark her attention? A little drama maybe? I was so confused so I sent him a text expressing my thoughts. He quickly came over to my desk and asked me what was wrong and can we talk about it. I told him to meet me outside and we did.... and by that time I was furious at the thought of being used... so I let him have it. I told him I don't want a friendship that involves this roller coaster of emotion (Lydia) because I feel the brunt of however he treats her and he won't establish boundaries, so I'm establishing my own. He was speechless. I think he almost started tearing up at one point. He's a very sensitive guy, not your typically player (not that attractive), so it might have been that he wasn't used to getting all of this kind of attention (I think he even told me that at one point) but I still don't think it's okay to use people for an ego boost, and I told him so. I went back inside the office, and he got called out for a meeting and he left without even looking at me. I was wondering if I was too harsh? Am I in the wrong? In a way I feel like Dean was playing a big game and enjoyed that Lydia liked him so much that she treated me poorly. And I think that's a bit sinister. In a way, I feel bad for letting it all out in one big vent, but I wouldn't take back anything I said. Is there anything I need to do at this point?
ExpatInItaly Posted March 3, 2014 Posted March 3, 2014 Let's call a spade a spade: you have crush on Dean. You feel jealous of the attention he gives Lydia, especially when he tells you one thing but does another. That makes sense, and it's human. But unless and until you and he establish anything beyond friendship, he is free to flirt right back with her. Do you know if Lydia's account of their lunch-time affections is true? Is there a chance she's embellishing to get under your skin? If it is all true, then you have learned something about your friend Dean. He enjoys her attention and pretends that he doesn't to you, so that he can continue to enjoy your attention too. I don't think he's using you, per se. I think he likes your company and the little flirtation you have going. He's feeling like a stud if he's getting it from her, too. I think you are right to feel annoyed by her behaviour. She takes his lack of attention out on you, which is totally unjustified. I can understand that you're annoyed with him too, but if you want him to yourself, you're going to need to make that clear to him. 1
Author whatdreamsmaycome Posted March 3, 2014 Author Posted March 3, 2014 Lol... I think you caught me, Expat I've actually been grappling with it, though, because I do NOT need another workplace romance that can compromise my position at my job again. And he also not typically the sort of guy I date. I rather like more assertive, strong-willed men. But there's no doubt that we get (got) along great, and after he asked me out this week 3 times, it just enhanced any thoughts of possibly pursuing something with him. But this incident has thrown me. As I told him outside, it felt like he blatantly disregarded what we spoke about this morning as well as the advice that he solicited from me. He went the opposite direction, and essentially reinforced Lydia's feelings... which is going to make it even harder to maintain a friendship with Dean at work. There are a few times that we have had to go out of our way to have chats in order for Lydia not to see us, and that started feeling wrong. We only do that because he can not set boundaries for himself. He once asked if he could tell her that we were dating to "get her off my back", but I felt that 1) it was a lie, and 2) that would make things worse between Lydia and I. Im not sure if Lydia embellished the truth about what happened, but when I brought it up to Dean, he didn't deny it (he didn't say anything at all, however). I don't necessarily want him to myself, probably because he hasn't asserted himself enough for me to think he wants a full-on relationship with me, and with all that's at risk, it's not worth it for me to pursue it. But this triangle with Lydia has gotten completely out of hand, and I can't tell if he's sitting back enjoying it (in which case, I'd be livid), or he's just so passive that he can not establish boundaries (in which case, I feel a bit bad). Either way, as long as Lydia works there and is head-over-heels with Dean, he and I can not have a comfortable open friendship, much less anything beyond that. I'm just a bit sad, because we did develop a great friendship where we could literally talk about anything on our minds. I kind of don't know what to do at this point. Is there anything I need to do? Or is it best to just let things be? He is going out of town for work for the next couple days, and we won't be in the office at the same time again until Friday morning. So I guess that's good.
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