Need s on girlfriend who lied to me.

[RHN1313]

I don't really know where to turn right now. I have only spoken to two of my friends about this, but I don't want to talk to my family about it right now. I'll try to make this as quick and easy as possible but I'm sure it'll be long. I'll tell a story and then sum up my concerns at the bottom.

 

I was casually dating (multiple women) over the last year. I went on my first date with my girlfriend on Oct. 31st. I had a friend die and kinda dropped out on her for a couple weeks right after we first started dating, but I picked up with her again as soon as I could and we started seeing each other at least once a week.

 

Things progressed fast and we became official Dec. 19th. We both knew we were both seeing other people when we were first dating. We spent the night together (no sex, but we slept together) on November 27th into the 28th right before Thanksgiving. I cut everyone else I was seeing off after this point.

 

She kept seeing one person she was seeing, his name was Danny. She lied to me about Danny. She always told me that she broke it off with him a week before she met me. Turns out she had been seeing him longer than she had been seeing me, and had slept with him twice. The day after Thanksgiving she slept with him for the last time according to her. So she spent the night with me, and then slept with him the next day. I'll save the details, but she said sex was bad with this guy. She had issues being dry and he had issues on his end. I know this is incredibly ****ty, but I read her diary and she did write about that, so I know she isn't lying. The last night she slept with him, he was mean and drunk and refused to let her leave. He blocked the door and physically grabbed her and pushed her back. She said she didn't want to sleep with him but let him try anyway because she was scared and wanted him to just go to sleep or leave.

 

Two days later, on Sunday, she slept with me for the first time. So she spent the night with me Wed into Thurs. With him Fri into Sat. And then with me again Saturday into Sunday, which is when we had sex in the evening. Fast forward a couple weeks. We had been spending more time together, still not official. She came out to a business outing with me for a weekend, and stayed the weekend with me. We spent the night Friday and I had to leave Saturday morning for work. She went back home and we talked throughout the day. Later that night, she went to his house. He had a broken knee, and invited her over just to chill apparently. She said she really hesitated going or not, but basically ended up doing it to see if she still had any feelings for him. She said she felt nothing and it was awkward. She was texting me almost all night while she was there. She said absolutely nothing happened aside from maybe a peck goodbye. She said she didn't WANT anything to happen, but even if she did, it wouldn't have been possible with his busted knee. She did spend the night at his house because they were drinking and she fell asleep.

 

The next day, she came over to my place and met my best friend. Again, progressing our relationship further. The next week, on the 19th, we made it official. She met my mom soon after, and I met her family for Christmas, and we had a great time for the holidays.

 

I had another business trip from December 27th-29th. She came with me again and stayed the weekend. We had a great time, slept together a lot, etc. I left Sunday to go back home and relax and she had plans. She said she didn't even want to go, but her sister had history with one of the guys there and wanted to see him. She said she wouldn't have gone if her sister didn't want to, she was kinda just there to make sure nothing happened. She went out to a bar to see a football game with friends. Turns out one of those friends was Danny. She went with her sister, and there was a group of other friends. They went to a bar after the football game, and then back to one of the guys' houses to just drink and hangout. She got home at like 12:30am. She was texting me most of the time while she was out. The problem here, is that when her and her sister left, Danny walked them to the door and kissed my girlfriend goodbye.

 

She said that was the last time she saw him. But that was, of course, after we were official, even if it was only 10 days. He texted her about a month later and was a little peeved apparently and asked "Oh so you have a boyfriend now?" kinda thing. She told him she did and they haven't spoken since. Again, ****ty, but I know this is true because of her diary.

 

 

Here are my concerns:

 

>She lied and told me she ditched Danny a week before she met me, which wasn't true obviously.

 

>I'm uncomfortable she went and spent the night at his house after she slept with me. She says she absolutely didn't sleep with this guy after me, and feels incredibly ****ty that it was two days before. Initially she of course told me it was a week before me. The guy did have a busted knee, I saw on Facebook.

 

>It concerns me on that note she would go back and even see this guy seeing as how mean he was to her that last night they slept together.

 

>Of course, one of my biggest concerns is that she went out and saw this guy one last time AFTER we were official. She also legit didn't remember if he kissed her. I saw her text her sister to ask because she had no idea, and apparently it did happen.

 

>In her diary, she wrote nothing but good things about me. How she was falling in love with me, and generally just nothing but good things. But even after our wonderful holiday season, on Dec. 26th she wrote how much she was falling for me, etc... but basically wrote that even though she was falling for me, she still couldn't quite let go of Danny but wasn't sure to what extent she wanted him to be involved in her life. Then, of course, the 29th.

 

She said she lied to me because she was scared of losing me. She feels bad it took her a little longer to catch up to me but she feels and has felt 100% committed to me. I think it irks me because she told me for a long time that Danny was just her friend. When I had asked her (before we were official) whose friends house she was staying she initially said it was just a friend. A few weeks later I asked again and she said it was her gay friend.

 

She said she was so scared of losing me that she kept making lies on top of lies and she was having trouble keeping it all straight, which is how I know about all of this now. I figured it out myself between a combination of facebook and just her messing up her stories. She did tell me the truth when I confronted her.

 

Sorry this is so long. Is this something I should chalk up to being an early relationship folly and try to look past... maybe she just had to tie up some loose ends, or should I be seriously concerned about this?

 

I love this girl. This has been the only issue between us, and we do make a good couple. I have a decent amount of experience dating and I know we match well on just about every level. But this has thrown my trust into a rollercoaster. She does however say she wants to try and make it work, rebuild my trust, do whatever it takes basically.

 

What do you guys think? Did she just make a dumb choice and tried to cover it up out of fear of losing me (I always told her I'd drop her or any other girl like a rock if anything like this happened...) or is she being deceitful?

 

Edit:

 

I don't know if it makes any difference, but I wanted to add that she has a history of long term relationships. She has had a fiance who she was with for 6 years, and two other boyfriends who she was with for like 3 years each. There were a couple guys she dated shorter term in between, but nothing crazy.

Edited March 3, 2014 by RHN1313

[RHN1313]

Anyone? This **** is bugging the hell out of me.

[OhThatGirl]

Ummmm.

 

Does she have her own home? Why is she sleeping anywhere but her own place? If she's homeless I might be able to understand her sleeping around to have a roof over her head. Yeah, it's that bad.

 

This guy got drunk and angry and wasn't letting her leave... So she decided to sleep with him??? And then put herself in the SAME situation again? And continued to see him?

 

She's got lies and excuses for everything. I'd be so turned off that she was sleeping with him while getting more involved with you instead of breaking it off with him as soon as she saw potential. And yet that's not where it ended.. She continued sleeping with him, kissing him, when you two were in a relationship? Oh no. Noooo no.

 

This is going to be your call but to me it would be entirely unacceptable. She lied. She lied about sex. She lied more to cover her lies. She was sleeping with you both at the same time.

 

Yuck. I know you say "everything else is good" but what else is there? There's no trust, no respect, no shared belief on how relationships should go, it's all been founded on lies, and she is disrespectful of both you and this Danny character.

 

She's just not a trustworthy person. If you absolutely MUST continue seeing her (I recommend against), you'd better quit sleeping with her and go back to casual dating until you've given her a time to get her act together and see if she's really able to do right by you. I doubt it. This wasnt a mistake. It's a pattern.

 

Personally? I'd have her entirely blocked on every form of communication. She's a liar and only admitted to it when she couldn't keep up with her lies. I'd get tested for STDs soon.

[RHN1313]

Ummmm.

 

Does she have her own home? Why is she sleeping anywhere but her own place? If she's homeless I might be able to understand her sleeping around to have a roof over her head. Yeah, it's that bad.

 

This guy got drunk and angry and wasn't letting her leave... So she decided to sleep with him??? And then put herself in the SAME situation again? And continued to see him?

 

She's got lies and excuses for everything. I'd be so turned off that she was sleeping with him while getting more involved with you instead of breaking it off with him as soon as she saw potential. And yet that's not where it ended.. She continued sleeping with him, kissing him, when you two were in a relationship? Oh no. Noooo no.

 

This is going to be your call but to me it would be entirely unacceptable. She lied. She lied about sex. She lied more to cover her lies. She was sleeping with you both at the same time.

 

Yuck. I know you say "everything else is good" but what else is there? There's no trust, no respect, no shared belief on how relationships should go, it's all been founded on lies, and she is disrespectful of both you and this Danny character.

 

She's just not a trustworthy person. If you absolutely MUST continue seeing her (I recommend against), you'd better quit sleeping with her and go back to casual dating until you've given her a time to get her act together and see if she's really able to do right by you. I doubt it. This wasnt a mistake. It's a pattern.

 

Personally? I'd have her entirely blocked on every form of communication. She's a liar and only admitted to it when she couldn't keep up with her lies. I'd get tested for STDs soon.

 

 

I'm definitely not trying to defend her actions, as I'm upset by them. But I will answer some of your questions.

 

- She does have a home to stay at. Recently had to move back in with her parents. I don't know if I can judge this action mainly because I've stayed over at girls houses I was dating/seeing. I even slept over with this girl before we had sex. I'm just saying. The time she claims she slept over at his house after her and I had sex for the first time was during the broken knee, and she didn't plan on staying but fell asleep (and alcohol). I know it's not good, but it also was before we made it an official thing. I do agree she should've cut contact once things got serious with me though.

 

- I agree, I brought up the topic of this too. If he was so mean and bad, why the hell would she go back? She says she doesn't know. She wanted to validate if she had any feelings for him still after that incident, to which she says she didn't. (I'm just saying what she said)

 

- She (to my knowledge) did not sleep with him while we were together. Whether that is sleep or sex. She claims the one and only time she saw him after we were official was at the bar, and yes, he kissed her. The thing that doesn't make sense to me is how she didn't remember it; I saw her text her sister and ask her what happened. This confused/worried me.

 

- She does tell me it was wrong, which is why she hid it. Scared of losing me. What else is there you ask? I don't know. I guess feelings, and it seems like she wants to make it work. I know she cut this guy off back then, and hasn't spoken to him since that one text he sent her - via her diary, which she has no idea I read or have access to. I feel bad about it but I felt like it might have been the only way I could get answers. At the same time, even while she saw this guy she had nothing but good things to say about me in her diary. How much she was falling for me, and all that kind of stuff.

 

I just wonder how to quantify it. Was it tying up loose ends that happened in ****ty timing with me, and she deserves a second chance to prove herself; or was I being played?