I never got my Second Chance

[lylat333]

...but I found happiness again.

 

A few may remember me - I joined August 5th and haven't posted since December 13.

 

I never thought things would end like they did, and when they did I truly never thought I would be happy again. I was so depressed and couldn't bear the void, every hour of every day was a struggle. I sought counseling... had mental breakdowns and toiled away at keeping my head above water.

 

I was out of commission for dating for a long time. It wasn't until more recently I felt I was at an appropriate level of emotional availability to start putting myself out there more.

 

I met someone a little over a week ago, and we've been hitting it off. I don't know if it will turn into a relationship but I finally found someone who has qualities I didn't know I would ever find. I appreciate who she is and she seems to appreciate who I am. I don't feel the constant feeling of insecurity or even inadequacy I felt with my ex.

 

I spent so much time I can't even tell you thinking about NC, and read pretty much every existing relevant thread. At least once.

 

I wanted to come back and post to first and foremost offer hope.

 

Besides that, a lot of you may be spending a lot of time and energy thinking about NC and your ex. It's ultimately simple... once your ex makes the decision to not reciprocate, the only sensible thing to do is live life without them. You are not friends. Nothing you do is motivated by your ex any longer and this is where I failed for the longest time. e.g. When my ex and I were still fb friends I posted updates about what I was doing to show I was bettering myself. I couldn't do anything without first considering how it could positively or negatively impact my ex's outlook or opinion on me.

 

I finally got out of that terrible place. Life got immeasurably better after I blocked any trace of her out of my life and I haven't looked back. I checked and this is day 170 since blocking her. I also rid myself of anything that reminded me of her.

 

I used to lay in bed, particularly on the weekends and be tormented by thoughts of what my ex may be up to. Don't do that. Love yourself. You are worth so much more than how your ex makes you feel. But do embrace self-improvement, 100% motivated by you and for you. It can do wonders for your mood, optimism, and confidence. Do what you can, don't be too hard on yourself.

 

I could hardly laugh for the longest time. I'm back to my old self able to crack up laughing even alone and even before I met this girl recently.

 

If things don't work out with her, I know I'll be OK. My head is held higher, and I notice more and more opportunities instead of living with blinders on. The love of your life will not fill you with negative feelings.

 

I wish you all the best, the heartbroken and confused. You can't afford to let your feelings be a slave to your ex and past relationship. I still never felt I got the whole story or closure I thought I wanted surrounding the breakup but I stopped caring eventually. I care more about being the best person I can be for the future.

[jphcbpa]

I don't feel the constant feeling of insecurity or even inadequacy I felt with my ex.

 

tell me more about this.

[BC1980]

Great post Lylat. I was wondering about you. You've done so well. I remember your first posts, and you have come so far. Keep posting, and let us know how everything is going!

[Allumere]

So how many people have you gone out with since you felt ready to date again?

[lylat333]

tell me more about this.

I'm assuming this is a serious question. Well, my ex did a couple of things that really messed up the trust between us. She had also had a lot more partners than me and even though she tried to assure me while we were together she was happy, I had a hard time believing her sometimes. In hindsight I think she was telling me the truth but with this recent woman I met I don't foresee going through an ordeal like that.

 

Great post Lylat. I was wondering about you. You've done so well. I remember your first posts, and you have come so far. Keep posting, and let us know how everything is going!

Thank you, hope you've been doing well.

 

So how many people have you gone out with since you felt ready to date again?

I've met a handful of people. But I've noticed since I've been single there's very few people I'm attracted to. This most recent woman I've met is something else so far... she's so intelligent, I'm attracted to her, and we're on the same page with so many things. I don't know anyone quite like her.

[bison67]

I hope that i can be posting like this sometime in the future, either with her, or happy without her. Right now i just cant let my heart let go of hope, even though im trying soooo hard to let go of her, my stupid heart still wants her so badly.... Hope it fades, 3 months since BU, 40 Days full NC. As i start to think shell never talk to me again i fall more in love with her, i thought the opposite should happen!

[lylat333]

I hope that i can be posting like this sometime in the future, either with her, or happy without her. Right now i just cant let my heart let go of hope, even though im trying soooo hard to let go of her, my stupid heart still wants her so badly.... Hope it fades, 3 months since BU, 40 Days full NC. As i start to think shell never talk to me again i fall more in love with her, i thought the opposite should happen!

I hope so too. It took me a long, long, long time to let go of hope. Even when the thought of her practically disgusted me, I still wanted her to miss me and wished every day she would get in touch to feel a sense of vindication. I mean I consciously thought about it every day... I don't remember the day it finally stopped, it just happened.

 

My honest offering would be it really doesn't matter if it works out with her or not. It takes 2, and no one is worth putting your life on hold for.

[Winter blue]

This is one of the best posts I have read in Second chance.

 

Really well done OP. And thanks for sharing your thoughts.

 

I myself is also 7 months post BU. I started NC straight after BU, but didn't do the deleting and blocking until the four months mark (I did stop looking at her profiles since month 1 though). Have to say blocking her is the best thing I have done that helped with my healing.

 

Perhaps I did broke NC at month 5 when she got back in touch asking for a meet up, I said no thank you to her. Apart from that I kept my silence all the way to this date, and ignored all her attempts to contact in the last two months also.

 

For some reasons, I still think about her from time to time, perhaps her attempts to contact does give me false hope, though I'm keep telling myself they are nothing but breadcrumbs. I think getting breadcrumbs really make it harder to let go hope.

 

I have met someone new recently as well, have been seeing her for a few times and texting throughout the day, I am attracted to her personality and I do enjoy her company. But the thing is, I still think about my ex, and even to compare them when we are not together. I don't know if I am fully ready for dating as yet.. but looking at the time (7 months has passed by) I really hope I am.

[Mariposa10]

Thank you so much for the update!! You're one of my favorite ones here

 

I'm glad to hear the hell you were living in is finally over!!! There's not quick fix... we just have to let time do its thing...

 

Please, keep us posted!!

[lylat333]

Thank you so much for the update!! You're one of my favorite ones here

 

I'm glad to hear the hell you were living in is finally over!!! There's not quick fix... we just have to let time do its thing...

 

Please, keep us posted!!

 

You're one of my favorites here too. ^_^

 

I'm seeing her again tonight and we already have plans for double date bowling Saturday night!

 

btw, really funny story how all this came about. In one of my therapy sessions my counselor suggested I try getting a massage to relax and feel better. She directed me to a specific person.

 

I've been seeing my massage therapist monthly for about 6 months she knows my relationship life in pretty good detail. The last time I went in she says it hit her one day she thought of someone she thinks I need to meet - another one of her clients! This is the girl I am seeing now. Not long after my massage therapist told her about me she stopped seeing the guy she wasn't enjoying seeing much (it wasn't serious at all) and ended up friending me on Facebook. I totally see now why our therapist was willing to go out of her way to mention us to each other, though.

 

We're conscious about not taking things too fast and enjoying each other's company and well, it's been nice.

[HeartbrokenNewbie]

Yep and the best part is even if the new thing doesnt work out it puts distance between u and the ex... my new one didnt work out and i was down for about a week but now Im single and happy for the first time in months !! x It definitely reset me x

[Mariposa10]

You don't get to hear this type of story all the time the way you met this girl, is really different!

 

I'm glad to know you took the time to work on yourself and now you can finally enjoy moving on

 

Please, do tell us how the date(s) went!

 

 

 

 

 

You're one of my favorites here too. ^_^

 

I'm seeing her again tonight and we already have plans for double date bowling Saturday night!

 

btw, really funny story how all this came about. In one of my therapy sessions my counselor suggested I try getting a massage to relax and feel better. She directed me to a specific person.

 

I've been seeing my massage therapist monthly for about 6 months she knows my relationship life in pretty good detail. The last time I went in she says it hit her one day she thought of someone she thinks I need to meet - another one of her clients! This is the girl I am seeing now. Not long after my massage therapist told her about me she stopped seeing the guy she wasn't enjoying seeing much (it wasn't serious at all) and ended up friending me on Facebook. I totally see now why our therapist was willing to go out of her way to mention us to each other, though.

 

We're conscious about not taking things too fast and enjoying each other's company and well, it's been nice.

[lylat333]

You don't get to hear this type of story all the time the way you met this girl, is really different!

 

I'm glad to know you took the time to work on yourself and now you can finally enjoy moving on

 

Please, do tell us how the date(s) went!

It's different, but I'm pretty sure everyone's cool with it, haha.

 

I am enjoying moving on... so... as an update I've spent time w/ each day and we've stayed over with each other every night since Thursday, and we are tonight too. Partly because I'm about to go on a week-long vacation!

 

We've continued to get along really well. Still can't say what it will ultimately lead to but we're both very happy spending time with each other and I think very much on the same page. I feel good about it.

 

I don't foresee myself posting again anytime soon. But I do wish you all nothing but the best. Thankfully all the pain I was going through is becoming a distant memory. I can't stress enough how your ex should have nothing to do with your happiness or value, that's ultimately the bottom line. LOVE YOURSELF, you'll find someone else who will, too.

[BC1980]

It's different, but I'm pretty sure everyone's cool with it, haha.

 

I am enjoying moving on... so... as an update I've spent time w/ each day and we've stayed over with each other every night since Thursday, and we are tonight too. Partly because I'm about to go on a week-long vacation!

 

We've continued to get along really well. Still can't say what it will ultimately lead to but we're both very happy spending time with each other and I think very much on the same page. I feel good about it.

 

I don't foresee myself posting again anytime soon. But I do wish you all nothing but the best. Thankfully all the pain I was going through is becoming a distant memory. I can't stress enough how your ex should have nothing to do with your happiness or value, that's ultimately the bottom line. LOVE YOURSELF, you'll find someone else who will, too.

 

Your story illustrates how important it is to go NC from the start. You never looked back even when it got tough; you maintained NC. I remember reading your original thread, and you are miles away from that state of mind.

[lylat333]

It's been a while, and I have an update I guess I'll share.

 

Bad weekend, things didn't work out with the girl I met. It's really a shame to see it end like this. I'm heartbroken again, but nothing like I was last year.

 

I'm worse off right now than I was right before I met her, but I'll get better with time, and most importantly NC. imo blocking someone you have feelings for but they are not interested in more than friends is imperative.

 

For the past several weeks I feel I've made myself a fool... fighting an uphill battle for something. It's actually my fault things went off track in the first place. She seemed totally into me and then my doubts got in the way, and right now I'm regretting ever having doubts. But the truth is there were probably several red flags I should have heeded but pushed aside because I wanted things to work.

 

Anyway... I came back to LS mostly to re-read the NC guide. I'm not interested in posting/chronicling what's going on unless something major happens. I would love to hear from this girl, I wish an email would pop up in my inbox with her apologizing and wanting to work something out but I think the only sensible thing to do is believe it's not going to happen because it probably won't.

 

In other news, I actually messaged my ex out of desperation last week. The one that brought me to LS in the first place. I had unblocked her on Facebook a week or two before, because my feelings were dead for her. I got to where I never thought I would be... indifferent. Able to message and honestly not care the result. I haven't heard back from her, why I don't know. I wasn't trying to find out anything or hook up I just had nowhere to turn and was acting out. I don't even like her or really respect her.

 

*sigh* so another who knows how long wait until I meet someone else. Will be so nice if/when it happens, and I'll be more ready than ever.

 

EDIT: Mariposa, if you see this I tried responding to your pm but it says your inbox is full.

Edited April 28, 2014 by lylat333

[martaldn]

I know where you are coming from because I did the same thing.

I am dating people and I am hoping to meet the right one sooner or later but no matter how hard I try to stay NC I always end up breaking it.

I have done it again today.

It was again a pain and lots of tears from my side but this time I didnt beg for anything.. I didnt expect anything from it. I guess i only needed to see if he was there .. if he was responding to my message. but the situation hasn't changed.

mine is different from yours but the pain is the same..

I really hope to get out this hole once for ever.. but its hard.

I make 1 step forward and 2 step backwards.

dont give up though...

[lylat333]

I couldn't keep NC last year... I mailed a hand-written letter 10 days after not having heard from her, commented on a couple of things on FB and remained friends for at least a month I think. This time around I know better... sort of. I could have handled the past few days or even the past few weeks better but I'm prone to letting my emotions get the best of me and I can't keep my mouth shut.

 

You can get out, I promise. Believe me, I never, ever thought I would last year, especially if I never heard from my ex again. (which I have yet to)

 

Best advice I can give is to trust NC is the best thing you can do. imo anytime you break NC you reset the timer for potential reconciliation. Sorry to sound cynical but all it does is give the dumper more rope to hang you with.

 

I won't give up and I hope you don't either.

[BC1980]

Lylatt, I think it would do you some good to be single for awhile. From your history, it seems that even when you were single, you had a relationship on your mind. I think you need to get to a place where you are okay with being single indefinitely. I was like that before my ex, and I'm almost there again. It's very freeing to feel that way. Not just to say the words but to feel it.

 

Just from little things you would say in your posts, I think you have a hard time being without a partner. You are very introspective, and I know you will take this to heart. It's just a suggestion, but maybe stepping back from thinking about a relationship for several months would do you well. Put the focus on yourself. Another observation I have is that you never properly grieved the loss of your first girlfriend. There is a book I'm going to suggest called "Getting Past Your Breakup" by Susan Eliot. It's helped me tremendously with this breakup and life in general.

[lylat333]

imo anytime you break NC you reset the timer for potential reconciliation. Sorry to sound cynical but all it does is give the dumper more rope to hang you with.

I should clarify NC isn't about getting your ex back, but this is an unfortunate side effect of breaking NC. More importantly it resets the timer on your healing.

 

Lylatt, I think it would do you some good to be single for awhile. From your history, it seems that even when you were single, you had a relationship on your mind. I think you need to get to a place where you are okay with being single indefinitely. I was like that before my ex, and I'm almost there again. It's very freeing to feel that way. Not just to say the words but to feel it.

 

Just from little things you would say in your posts, I think you have a hard time being without a partner. You are very introspective, and I know you will take this to heart. It's just a suggestion, but maybe stepping back from thinking about a relationship for several months would do you well. Put the focus on yourself. Another observation I have is that you never properly grieved the loss of your first girlfriend. There is a book I'm going to suggest called "Getting Past Your Breakup" by Susan Eliot. It's helped me tremendously with this breakup and life in general.

 

Maybe. It's hard not to have a relationship on your mind when you think you're ready for one.

 

I don't know if it's reasonable for me to be OK with being single indefinitely. I want to find someone to share my life with. When it's right...

 

I actually did get the book you mentioned and read it last year. It helped with some things, and I talked about it a bit with this girl I saw recently. If anything I think she is the one that had unresolved issues preventing her from being emotionally available.

 

I'll consider all you've said. I don't envision a future with either of my first 2 exes. I think things could have been worked out with the most recent girl but I have to let go. I'm not getting back on online dating or anything, and I am prioritizing working on myself. I recently got a part in a play so that's help keeping me occupied.

[Mariposa10]

I also got a notification saying my inbox was full we're only allowed to have like 4 messages that's why

 

Anyway, first of all, I'm sorry to hear things didn't work out between you and the new girl... But again, try to see things from a positive perspective.

 

I also met a guy, the chemistry we had was just unbelievable. But the timing was off, way off... He still talks to his ex, he's gonna go back to his country (he's only in the US for two semesters). We still hang out every now and then, and we enjoy our time together sooo much. We can't stop laughing and having a good time. The look in his eyes, the look in mine, we obviously like one another. When I think about it, it makes me feel happy knowing that there are guys who still make me feel the way my ex used to make me feel. There's hope.

 

Maybe this is destiny's way of showing me the bright future that awaits me. Even though I think this guy and I could've had an AMAZING relationship, even if he had been ready, I wouldn't have been ready. I wanna be single for at least a year or two, after getting out of a almost 5 yr relationship I want to re-discover myself. I feel I got a little bit lost in those 5 years....

 

Please keep us posted! I always enjoying reading what you have to say and you teach me how to express myself better!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

It's been a while, and I have an update I guess I'll share.

 

Bad weekend, things didn't work out with the girl I met. It's really a shame to see it end like this. I'm heartbroken again, but nothing like I was last year.

 

I'm worse off right now than I was right before I met her, but I'll get better with time, and most importantly NC. imo blocking someone you have feelings for but they are not interested in more than friends is imperative.

 

For the past several weeks I feel I've made myself a fool... fighting an uphill battle for something. It's actually my fault things went off track in the first place. She seemed totally into me and then my doubts got in the way, and right now I'm regretting ever having doubts. But the truth is there were probably several red flags I should have heeded but pushed aside because I wanted things to work.

 

Anyway... I came back to LS mostly to re-read the NC guide. I'm not interested in posting/chronicling what's going on unless something major happens. I would love to hear from this girl, I wish an email would pop up in my inbox with her apologizing and wanting to work something out but I think the only sensible thing to do is believe it's not going to happen because it probably won't.

 

In other news, I actually messaged my ex out of desperation last week. The one that brought me to LS in the first place. I had unblocked her on Facebook a week or two before, because my feelings were dead for her. I got to where I never thought I would be... indifferent. Able to message and honestly not care the result. I haven't heard back from her, why I don't know. I wasn't trying to find out anything or hook up I just had nowhere to turn and was acting out. I don't even like her or really respect her.

 

*sigh* so another who knows how long wait until I meet someone else. Will be so nice if/when it happens, and I'll be more ready than ever.

 

EDIT: Mariposa, if you see this I tried responding to your pm but it says your inbox is full.

[martaldn]

I know what You mean. I am NC because I need to heal there is not hope in me to have him back because he has his life and he doesn't want to have me in it.

What it's hard is dealing with the feelings I still have for him

I love him despite the pain he put me through and it's so hard to deny them when I'm so overwhelmed like today

I am SO pathetic sometimes

Hope things will get better for us ..

 

[BC1980]

 

 

Maybe. It's hard not to have a relationship on your mind when you think you're ready for one.

 

I don't know if it's reasonable for me to be OK with being single indefinitely. I want to find someone to share my life with. When it's right...

 

I actually did get the book you mentioned and read it last year. It helped with some things, and I talked about it a bit with this girl I saw recently. If anything I think she is the one that had unresolved issues preventing her from being emotionally available.

 

I'll consider all you've said. I don't envision a future with either of my first 2 exes. I think things could have been worked out with the most recent girl but I have to let go. I'm not getting back on online dating or anything, and I am prioritizing working on myself. I recently got a part in a play so that's help keeping me occupied.

 

I would like to share my life with someone too. I definitely understand that. BTW, I still think you have come miles from when you joined LS. Keep moving forward.

[lylat333]

BTW, I still think you have come miles from when you joined LS. Keep moving forward.

 

That means a lot to me, thank you.

 

Did I say I wasn't going to join online dating? well, I did. Aaand... I found out earlier this afternoon through an ex-coworker that this girl I was just seeing, who said she didn't think she was in a place to be dating, is back on match.

 

Daggers to the heart. So stupid of me to sit and wait hoping she'll get back in touch. I reactivated my profile as well. I visited her profile, but resisted the urge to send her a smartass message.

 

I'm just leaving it up and if messages come in, fine. Sorry if it's wrong of me but I do want to date.

[BC1980]

That means a lot to me, thank you.

 

Did I say I wasn't going to join online dating? well, I did. Aaand... I found out earlier this afternoon through an ex-coworker that this girl I was just seeing, who said she didn't think she was in a place to be dating, is back on match.

 

Daggers to the heart. So stupid of me to sit and wait hoping she'll get back in touch. I reactivated my profile as well. I visited her profile, but resisted the urge to send her a smartass message.

 

I'm just leaving it up and if messages come in, fine. Sorry if it's wrong of me but I do want to date.

 

I don't think it's wrong of you. Just don't bank on it for your happiness. It's a tough think to juggle. Wanting to share your life with someone but knowing you can be happy single. It's hard.

[Mariposa10]

I agree with BC on this one. But then again, online dating seems to be really tempting and easy to do once you're brave enough to do it... I know I'm not

 

 

 

 

I don't think it's wrong of you. Just don't bank on it for your happiness. It's a tough think to juggle. Wanting to share your life with someone but knowing you can be happy single. It's hard.