I need guidance, I am an abuser

[3j15]

Yes, I will be the first to admit it, I emotionally abused my girlfriend, which eventually lead to physical abuse.

 

If you want to see a bit more of a dating story visit my other thread.

 

I am soo ashamed of myself, for doing this. I never thought that i would ever become someone like this. I was always a bit of a jealous type while dating. I wont lie about that, but never did I think that I would ever lay a hand on my girlfriend.

 

So what happened was I had met this girl at the club, we hit it off, exchanged numbers and started texting each other. We went on 3 dates before I left on my trip to SE Asia. I was gone for 4 months, and we did NC for the first half and then I just texted her everyday before I came back home. As soon as I got home we went out on a date. And within the next 2 weeks we were officially dating.

 

All my previous girlfriends lived within a 10 minute drive from me, a lot of mutual friends and we already knew a lot about one another.

 

My ex however, I had never met before, no mutual friends and she lived about 30 minute drive away. I never really got to know who she really was, before I officially asked her out. This was a big mistake. I never got the chance to build up the trust with her before we got into it seriously.

 

I guess I never really trusted her from the start.... So everything she did that was a bit "shady" I over reacted and caused drama between us.

 

Like if she got calls or texts asking to come meet up , pretty much "booty calls" from guys shes met in the past.

 

She would give out her number to guys she met downtown or while partying, she said it was harmless, and that she was trying to just make new friends.

 

She had this one friend, who would always ask her out for dinner. I understand this is harmless, but not when he expressed his feelings about her a few years back. They would go for dinner at least twice a month...

 

We were dating for around 5.5 months, and I guess you can say the arguments started 2 months into our relationship. She was getting fed up, and was asking me to change. I was soo clueless and stupid, I kept going back to my insecure jealous self. I DIDNT REALIZE THE EMOTIONAL ABUSE I WAS PUTTING ON THE GIRL I LOVED.

 

Finally, the last straw came one night, after a friends party I got a bit drunk and we headed to the bar. When we got to the bar, my gf was going through her phone and i saw a text from a random number. (Me being the idiot was looking at her phone.) I asked to see what it was, she was a bit reluctant to show me but finally gave in. It was a messages between her and some guy she met while she was away with her friends. It was at 5 am and from what I read it looked somewhat harmless. The guy was pushing for my gf to come over or something.

 

Well I overreacted to this message and told her lets go outside to talk. She was infront of me while we were walking outside and I called her name and she wouldnt turn around so I pushed her away with one hand. THIS WAS WHEN I REALIZED I JUST PHYSICALLY ABUSED MY GIRLFRIEND. The look on her face, still gets me today. The look of horror and disgust. How I could ever do something like that to her. When we talked about the situation after it happened, she said that momenth was when she finally came to a sudden realization that she was in a TOXIC relationship.

 

We broke up 5 days after the incident happened. I deserve to be dumped I know this. I have accepted the fact that I really need to firgure myself out, and get my emotions in check. I need to gain confidence in myself, find inner peace again.

 

I dunno LS community, I understand I am a jealous type. I do get paranoid, and think the worst case scenario. But is this all normal? or did I have a legit reason to be upset that my girlfriend was doing this? I know this never gives me the right to ever lay a hand on a girl.

 

 

But this is not why I started this thread, the reason behind it is that I am looking for help and guidance. What steps can I take to make sure I am no longer a abuser? Is it even possible to change? Am I stuck with this personality trait forever?

 

Ive been looking into counseling, anything to help me get away from my TOXIC self.

 

PLEASE I NEED HELP.

[nais]

You recognize where you went wrong, change how you react. If you feel emotionally screwed by your actions then seek anger management to help find safe ways to cope.

[pteromom]

While pushing her was absolutely the wrong thing to do, you did have legitimate concerns.

 

It isn't as if she just had guy friends... she was actively getting the numbers of other guys and having multiple guys calling her for hookups. Those are some pretty big red flags.

 

So what do you do now?

 

First, you have to trust your instincts. You said you didn't trust her from the start. Unless you never trust anyone, this was your gut trying to tell you not to trust her! When you get into another relationship, pay attention to your gut instinct and don't become invested in someone you do not trust.

 

Second, you have to understand that you can never never NEVER control someone into being honest or faithful. If someone is a cheater, you can do everything short of chaining them to your fridge, and they will find a way to cheat. So it does no good to tell someone what they can and can't do. Letting go of that need to control is scary, but also very liberating. You no longer have the responsibility of someone else's actions. You can let them be who they are, and make the decisions that are best for you. In this case, the best decision would have been to let her go, because even if she wasn't cheating, her actions did not align with your values and what you want in a relationship.

 

Third, you have to make a standard for yourself that you will never use your power to pull someone else down. This means you do not call people names. You do not use physical power. You do not use past arguments to cut someone's heart. You always lift her up and never tear her down. When you get mad, you walk away and take a break before you reach a boiling point. When she gets mad, you stay calm and rational and ask her to talk it through. When she has a different opinion than yours, you do not take it as a personal attack.

 

If you do not think you are capable of doing this on your own, find a therapist and get some help.

[3j15]

Thank you both for your comments.

 

 

I agree yes I didnt trust her from the start, but I feel like trust is something that is earned. Since from the beginning of our relationship she was doing these "shady" things I guess I was never able to build that trust.

 

Yeah I came to realize your second point just a tad bit too late. I realized that if she wanted to cheat she would cheat. There is really nothing I can do to stop that. I do have a bit of a controlling issue, something that I need to work on.

 

I agree with never tearing anyone down ever again. She really was a amazing person, someone that I connected with instantly, we fell for each other quite quickly and hard. She was someone that I could have spent a long period of time with, she was even thinking about me as a possible marriage potential. I cant believe I abused her like this. Wow I messed up badly, but I hope I can learn from these mistakes and move forward and help develop myself to become a better person.

 

I need to learn how to not over react. learn to walk away, see it in her perspective. I do let my emotions get the best of me. maybe counseling wouldn't hurt, but I have never been to one so really dunno what to expect.

[pteromom]

maybe counseling wouldn't hurt, but I have never been to one so really dunno what to expect.

 

A good counselor will just guide you through the process of examining your feelings and actions. I recommend everyone to try it at least once. It could definitely help you get to the bottom of why you need to control, and why you thought you had the right in that moment to reach out and lay your hands on her.

 

Worst thing that could happen - it doesn't help you and you are no worse off than before.

 

Best thing that could happen - you become a better happier person.

 

So yes, it is worth trying.

[travelbug1996]

If you didn't trust her you should have not been in a relationship in the first place. Jealousy and possessiveness is not healthy for a relationship. You gotta be secure in yourself and confident when considering a partnership.

 

counseling could possibly enlighten you to your emotional immaturity and coping strategies.

Edited March 5, 2014 by travelbug1996

[3j15]

Yes I rushed into this relationship, I was just soo excited. Yes I need to work on my jealousy and possessive issues. I am actually seeing a counselor next week.

 

Day 1 of figuring myself out, pretty excited to just go talk to a mutual person, no judgement, no restrictions. Just someone that has proffessional knowledge of what got me to do what I did.

 

I never thought I would ever need counseling, but then again I never thought I would ever lay a hand on my partner.

[Candy_Pants]

The counselor can have an idea of why you did what you did. But the real challenge will be for.you to examine yourself for those answers.

[3j15]

Yeah, as much as i can get counseling and help, all of this wont matter if I dont want to change. So yes, I will take full advantage of this and really examine myself to get to the bottom of this.

 

I never want to put anyone else through this pain, but most importantly I want to stop putting myself through this pain.

[ThatMan]

Ask about workbooks and exercises next week in therapy. Anger management is a learned skill which requires practice. You'll get there.

[venusishername]

As a person who has been in two abusive/controlling relationships as the victim, I have come to face my own flaws within these relationships. I don't know much, but I do know that at the core of controlling and "toxic" relationships is insecurity from both sides. It sounds like your gf was strong enough to not put up with it. Good for her. I am not condoning her texting with a guy while being in a relationship with you. But I think the problem truly lies in the fact that you got to the point that you did, and not the fact that some guy was texting her at 5 a.m. The good news is that's no longer your problem. And good for you for even acknowledging you have an issue you want to deal with. That takes a LOT for someone to admit that. So you are off to a good start, and I'm sure you will be receptive to counseling!

 

As the abuser, being jealous and controlling, maybe you are attempting to gain control over something you fear losing. Maybe you fear losing your pride, or fear abandonment. (That's for the therapist to dig out of you...)

 

 

I have abandonment issues for sure. It was easy for me being a victim/participant in controlling relationships BECAUSE I didn't want to be abandoned either! I've come to learn that I no longer need to depend on anyone else to fulfill my worth or validate me. If you think of it simply, it's like you are attempting to 'control' someone else because YOU FEAR LOSING CONTROL (of something)... so you hang on to the control like it's all that matters. (This goes for much more than relationships!)

In my toxic relationships, I had my fits of jealousy and being needy and demanding... likely because the abusive partners literally made me feel like I was crazy and I actually reverted back to feeling like a little girl again. I always feared that I could lose them at any minute. That was the 'trigger' they always held over me... because they knew that was my number one weakness: abandonment. So, I acted out, crying, jealous and clingy at times... like I was a little girl again wanting attention.

 

 

I'm not suggesting abandonment is your struggle, but I do hope my input helps a little. Best of luck to you.

Edited March 13, 2014 by venusishername

[CopingGal]

I want you to put this into perspective. You pushed her....okay. You didn't beat on her. There is a difference. However, it's still good to address this. Putting your hands on another in rage is never good.

 

Going to a therapist would be good. It would be good to examine this behavior. You said you emotionally abused her? You should work on that too. But you also need to work on why you stayed in this relationship with her? She sounds like a terrible girlfriend.

 

Yes, work on these, but keep these in persepctive.

[littleplanet]

OP,

You walked headfirst straight into a situation that would try the patience of a saint.

Let me just put it this way. Seeing a woman for any length of time, with whom I'm supposed to be having a relationship - and she's being texted by some guy at 5am?

For anything other than a pudding recipe?

Seriously?

 

Manipulated by a cellphone? Demanding evidence?

My definition of a man walks away long before this shyte even starts to happen. (That's just my definition. Make of it what you will.)

We're not put on this earth to control someone who diddles around with satellite 'opportunities' like that.

 

I completely agree with CopingGal.

Perspective is a wonderful thing.

It allows us important and valuable ways and means of assessing what our gut feelings are telling us.

Like when something's wrong, it's wrong.

And there is a lot of wrong in this world we can't fix.

Like absence of trust.

 

Perhaps the big learning curve here is to get to know someone a little bit better, before investing emotional bonding.

 

So by all means, if any kind of counselling is in the picture - work on that stuff. Healthy relationships have rules. The rules are there for a reason.

One of the lousiest situations to ever be in is demanding fidelity from someone who's not interested.

 

"It was at 5 am and from what I read it looked somewhat harmless. The guy was pushing for my gf to come over or something."

 

Your words.

 

If you're in a relationship with someone, being faithful to them - and this is happening?

Of course. You shouldn't have touched her at all. You should have walked away. That text wasn't 'harmless.'

 

But you allowed the situation to get to that point.

 

When I was 23, I experienced for the one and only time what a jealous rage actually felt like. (And it was an absolutely ridiculous situation.)

I walked down the hall......I walked away......into the kitchen and lit a cigarette. By the the time I finished that smoke, I was past the danger zone.

The morning of the next day, I swore to myself, never again.

And never again has lasted for some few decades.

 

Lots of good love and emotional bonding since then.

What changed?

The ridiculous situations.

 

We aren't completely immune to or incapable of (what anybody could define as abuse.)

My wife used to get the willies when I wore shades - and she couldn't see my eyes. If I was angry, or in a foul mood wearing them....my verbal commentary was amplified by that fact.

So......I learned quick to just take them off.

 

When my son was a teenager - he used to categorize as neglect (a little bit) the fact that I wouldn't push him (academically) the way his mother did.

 

Do you not think that in some ways through this situation, you actually acted with restraint? It's not all negative. It's a learning experience.

Edited June 1, 2014 by littleplanet

[SkyLex]

You recognize where you went wrong, change how you react. If you feel emotionally screwed by your actions then seek anger management to help find safe ways to cope.

 

right, indeed.. you already know your mistakes, that's good. and now you have to change your attitude.

[SerCay]

Yes I rushed into this relationship, I was just soo excited. Yes I need to work on my jealousy and possessive issues. I am actually seeing a counselor next week.

 

Did you convince yourself that you're a jealous person? Because hearing the exchanging of numbers with other guys while in a relationship would make ANY partner suspicious.

 

I don't want to be devil's advicate here but I think your ex was disrespectful with that behaviour and absolutely untrustworthy.

 

Your concerns are legitimate, and honestly you shouldn't try to get someone like her back.

 

You on the other hand, need to work on anger issues. I think that's your concern. I don't think (from what I read in your post) that you have been a toxic person. Merely co-dependent and needy towards someone that was emotionally unavailable to you.