KevinC Posted March 3, 2014 Posted March 3, 2014 I kinda feel like a whiny little girl when i post here for you guyses help but dont know where else to turn. Its been over a month since the BU and been NC since valentines day with a little slip up last sunday. Today i saw that she reactivated her account on the dating website that we met on. I logged on and bam there she was with the words ''would you like to meet this person'' above her pic. My heart stopped. Since then my mind has been going 100mph in all directions. I had blocked her but apparently it only blocks her from messaging me so i can still see her and everything. Anyway the damage is done and its got me feeling like i want to reach out to her and set up a meeting. I know the rules and i know what you guys will probably tell me but here i am anyways hoping you will be kind in your advice. I have not done the ''begging stage'' as i have seen it called here exept a letter i wrote her and i feel as tho i want to do it now, is that weird? I want to meet her somewhere and talk, maybe if she see's my face and how serious i am about us she might think about giving it another go. Ive seen mixte feelings about this on these forums, some say dont do it you will only hurt yourself more. Others says it helped them really accept that its over if it doesnt work out. So i dont know what to do. Should i try? What if it works? What if it doesnt? If we do meet what should i say? Need your opinions
BC1980 Posted March 3, 2014 Posted March 3, 2014 you are not ready to be on a dating site. Agree. Don't contact her. Talk yourself through it. What will likely happen if you contact her?
mtnbiker3000 Posted March 3, 2014 Posted March 3, 2014 There is now only one thing and one thing only that will help you. 100%, absolute, complete NC!!! As others stated, you are not ready to be on a dating site, and if you reach out to her, you feel even worse than you do now. Much, much worse. It is possible and it will happen. Please do not do that!!! You never sent me your address. Do it and I will get you a copy of PON. Start working on yourself. And, in time, this will pass. You can't rush it, and you can't cut corners. You must put in the work...
jphcbpa Posted March 3, 2014 Posted March 3, 2014 You never sent me your address. Do it and I will get you a copy of PON. . What is PON?
mtnbiker3000 Posted March 3, 2014 Posted March 3, 2014 I want to meet her somewhere and talk, maybe if she see's my face and how serious i am about us she might think about giving it another go. = Weak and pathetic. A total turn off. You will only re-enforce her decision and give her an ego boost. Bad, bad, bad idea!!!
jphcbpa Posted March 3, 2014 Posted March 3, 2014 The Power of Now by Eckhart Tolle oh yes...great book
Chi townD Posted March 3, 2014 Posted March 3, 2014 Kevin! Stay strong and stay NC. I agree, you shouldn't be on dating sites. Another great book is by Dr. Seuss Called Green Eggs and Ham. It's about a person inner struggle to convey his dislike of food laced with salmonella and pork products. J/K Have you traveled yet? Made any personal improvements to your life?
Author KevinC Posted March 3, 2014 Author Posted March 3, 2014 ok you have talked me out of it, its just i still feel like fighting for our used to be relationship for some reason, she has always said that in her culture a couple is important and they fight for it, i just dont understand why she doesnt follow her own advice.
mtnbiker3000 Posted March 3, 2014 Posted March 3, 2014 People say all kinds of things. Preach about cultural norms. Profess their un-dying love. Then, for whatever reason(s), all that goes out the window and means nothing... I've learned to look at peoples actions and not their words. Often very different
Author KevinC Posted March 3, 2014 Author Posted March 3, 2014 Kevin! Stay strong and stay NC. I agree, you shouldn't be on dating sites. Another great book is by Dr. Seuss Called Green Eggs and Ham. It's about a person inner struggle to convey his dislike of food laced with salmonella and pork products. J/K Have you traveled yet? Made any personal improvements to your life? Thanks Chi, i have not travelled yet and as i said i cant for i am on sick leave from work and havent had any money come in since i stopped working. That with the fact that i dont know if i will be going back to work there after the 2 weeks i have left on leave. I thought i was making improvements ive been out with friends, been to the gym, been taking medication but it all seems useless. Tried reading some books i have rented at the library and on ibooks but its hard to read them and i get axious so i stop, dont know whats up with that. Today it became clear that im not as far along in my healing as i thought i was.
JunkYardDog Posted March 3, 2014 Posted March 3, 2014 Dude, its HELLA hard. I totally understand. I am so struggling with you right now, just read my thread about running into her....its the worst pain ever but you got to dig deep bro, its a minute by minute battle. I am almost done with PON and it really helps. Its not a cure all end all and I still find myself more times than not wallowing in the pain and confusion but it has some great concepts to help you. Send mtn your addy, you need to read/listen to it.
Chi townD Posted March 3, 2014 Posted March 3, 2014 Thanks Chi, i have not travelled yet and as i said i cant for i am on sick leave from work and havent had any money come in since i stopped working. That with the fact that i dont know if i will be going back to work there after the 2 weeks i have left on leave. I thought i was making improvements ive been out with friends, been to the gym, been taking medication but it all seems useless. Tried reading some books i have rented at the library and on ibooks but its hard to read them and i get axious so i stop, dont know whats up with that. Today it became clear that im not as far along in my healing as i thought i was. Keep chipping away at it. It's not easy. No one on here ever send that NC was easy. But, it does easier in time. Dude, just keep making positive changes in your life. ALWAYS KEEP BUSY! Trust me on this one. It helps.
Author KevinC Posted March 3, 2014 Author Posted March 3, 2014 Dude, its HELLA hard. I totally understand. I am so struggling with you right now, just read my thread about running into her....its the worst pain ever but you got to dig deep bro, its a minute by minute battle. I am almost done with PON and it really helps. Its not a cure all end all and I still find myself more times than not wallowing in the pain and confusion but it has some great concepts to help you. Send mtn your addy, you need to read/listen to it. Thanks Junk i have red your thread and i know how you feel ive had the same experience as you twice now altho she didnt see me or pretended like she didnt. Its almost as if i am affraid to go out now and when i do im always on the lookout so to not run in to her. Its no fun, i feel you on this. Seems like she's going on her merry way without me, unphased, good for her i guess. Ive sent my address to Mtn hopefully listening to it will prove easier than reading it on ibooks(sample).
Lifegoezon Posted March 3, 2014 Posted March 3, 2014 You know they're all right. Are you sure you weren't looking for her? Sorry to be harsh but try to remember she doesn't want you. She's on a dating site to find someone new. She can find you if she wants to. She's moved on and the last thing she wants is to hear from you. You will look like a stalker which is not what you want I hope. Stop internet stalking - it only hurts you. My ex did exactly the same thing and it shocked me too. But it makes that site the last one I'll go on when I decide to date again. And it reminds me that we are breaking no contact just by looking at their dating profiles (or Facebook in my case) and sending ourselves back to day one. And you know you're not ready to start dating yet. Stay NC completely. Your happiness does not depend on having her in your life. Take control. You can move past this but it's not going to be easy.
lolablue17 Posted March 3, 2014 Posted March 3, 2014 I think you Should be open to different approaches. I agree with everyone here about the NC way. But it doesn't help you much. I know everyone will say that its gonna take time of NC to heal, and everybody's right but you are the one who's gonna suffer all that period. So, If you in so much pain and confusion, why wont you try to do something about it. i dont see any harm for you to call\mail her. tell her that for you wish to move on as a happy man. you need a closure. Ask if she is willing to do for you this little favor, to meet with you in a cafe for a hour or so, for you. She might say yes and maybe you will feel much better after that. And if she says no, or yes but the meeting wont help - So What!! You're in a bad situation anyway now... think about it.
Author KevinC Posted March 3, 2014 Author Posted March 3, 2014 Yes lola thats my thoughts behind the whole thing. I am thinking about it altho the sudden urge has passed for now. Maybe closure is what i need, maybe i need to hear it from her mouth to finally be able to move on. Maybe i need to hear that she has moved on and that we will not be getting back together since she never said it and always left an open door. Maybe i need that door slammed in my face. I also feel what Life said makes an awful lot of sense as well. So confusing
Weallwalkthelongroad Posted March 3, 2014 Posted March 3, 2014 When we broke up a few weeks ago, I decided to go NC immediately and have done very well for the most part. I've only sent one stupid message to her and that was through FB. Dumb...I know. The kicker was after that, I kept seeing her name pop up on FB under the "People you might know" section and it drove me nuts as she is still friends with alot of people I know. I'm ok with that but I don't need a contstant reminder that I "may" know her. So I blocked her completely. Out of sight and out of mind...and I really don't give a rats ass about her. We aren't together anymore and I have no obligation to know whats going on in her life. The weird part is that I am still friends with her best friend/roommate. She likes some of my posts and I tend to like some of hers. Obviously there is no feelings there but I often wonder if that gets back to my ex. Ahhhh, still so many useless and pointless thoughts that are running through my head. I wonder sometimes what is wrong with me. And I guess the point of all of this is to limit the chances that you will see your ex in any way possible. Even running into their profile on a dating site can definitely set you back.
4everalones Posted March 4, 2014 Posted March 4, 2014 Please do not break NC. She's on a dating site, she's obviously trying to find someone new, or at least move on from your relationship. What she said doesn't matter. She's showing you what she really wants with her actions. She's done with the relationship, and she's burned that bridge. Please save yourself a lot of heartache and don't break your vow of silence. I am so sorry if I sound too harsh but I've been in your situation multiple times. My ex was flirting with new women online, and went on dates. I interpreted his behavior as him trying to make me jealous, trying too hard to move on, etc. I fooled myself into thinking that if he meets me and sees the new improved version, he will want me back. I ended up being faced with cold/distant behavior and was even more hurt and humiliated. I went through the exact same process you're going through right now. So let me save you some time, DON'T DO IT. It will take you back to square one. You'll feel rejected and worthless all over again. Please stay strong. If she wants you back, she knows how to reach you. and remember, Actions really do speak louder than words. 1
JunkYardDog Posted March 4, 2014 Posted March 4, 2014 Please do not break NC. She's on a dating site, she's obviously trying to find someone new, or at least move on from your relationship. What she said doesn't matter. She's showing you what she really wants with her actions. She's done with the relationship, and she's burned that bridge. Please save yourself a lot of heartache and don't break your vow of silence. I am so sorry if I sound too harsh but I've been in your situation multiple times. My ex was flirting with new women online, and went on dates. I interpreted his behavior as him trying to make me jealous, trying too hard to move on, etc. I fooled myself into thinking that if he meets me and sees the new improved version, he will want me back. I ended up being faced with cold/distant behavior and was even more hurt and humiliated. I went through the exact same process you're going through right now. So let me save you some time, DON'T DO IT. It will take you back to square one. You'll feel rejected and worthless all over again. Please stay strong. If she wants you back, she knows how to reach you. and remember, Actions really do speak louder than words. Listen to this ^^^^^ I NEED TO LISTEN TO THIS TOO. 4ever is sooooo right.....I just saw the same thing although I didnt break contact per se it was just chance encounter. But her words, once again, (the breadcrumbs about how she was soooo concerned about how I am doing) and her actions (running away like a little child when I ran into her) didnt match up. Believe her, she showed you who she is and she aint lying. I know I need to do the same and its no easy task when you lose someone you love especially while they moved on in the blink of an eye and your stuck in quick sand.
Author KevinC Posted March 4, 2014 Author Posted March 4, 2014 You guys are right i suppose, all the signs that she wants nothing more to do with me are there. I guess i just dont want to see them. I guess i still havent accepted that its over.
mtnbiker3000 Posted March 4, 2014 Posted March 4, 2014 It's really very simple. Difficult, but simple. Reaching out to her will make her feel good. Ego boost, reinforcement of her decision, etc. And, at the same time it will make you look incredibly weak. And also hurt and confuse you more than you are now. MORE THAN YOU ARE NOW!!! You have everything you need already to get past her. You just have to start putting it into practice and let time heal you. It's hard. Damn hard. Think I don't know that? I do!!!! But it's the RIGHT thing to do, and any further contact is the WRONG thing to do. Seems some folks on here are minimizing the damage it can do to you, but I strongly suggest you think very hard before climbing out on that ledge...
Simon Phoenix Posted March 4, 2014 Posted March 4, 2014 You guys are right i suppose, all the signs that she wants nothing more to do with me are there. I guess i just dont want to see them. I guess i still havent accepted that its over. Which is the biggest reason why you shouldn't talk to her. There is no way you are going to put your best foot forward when you are in denial about what is actually going on. You are going to come off as a desperate, clingy, wussy chump by sending a note (literally the worst thing you could do short of stalking and harassing) or trying to arrange a meeting. She's on a dating site because she is trying to find other people to date. People other than you. It sucks, but the quicker you realize that and get out of the delusional fog you are in, the quicker you can heal and recover from this. She wants you gone, so be gone and stay gone. Don't go sucking around like some pathetic leech. That's not the least bit attractive. It's time for you to be a strong man and act like a strong man. It's up to her to chase after you -- it's not up to you to look back or walk back to where she is.
Author KevinC Posted March 4, 2014 Author Posted March 4, 2014 Thanks to everyone for their responses and talking me off the ledge i was about to jump off of. I see what you guys are saying now and the mistake i was about to make. Im so happy i found this site and this community has been a lifesaver for me. A safe place where i can express my feelings is something fairly new to me and i am gratefull for all of you. 3
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