After 2 years and still loving him deeply, I ended it

[C00kie]

So I ended it.

 

(check some of my previous posts for a bit of context)

 

I never thought I could do it. It was and still is the most daunting thing for me. I love him deeply and I realise, maybe because of the very dynamic of the affair, that this is so much harder than letting go of a "normal" relationship. I still love him, I love him deeply and that's why it is so painful. Don't mean to sound dramatic, but it's like someone just ripped my heart out. It's such a silent but excruciating pain.

 

But I have been sacrificing myself for such a long time. I'm not going to bash MM, that's not my intent and it would be too easy to do, just bash him so that I could feel better, but I prefer to see things for what they really are and also take responsibility.

 

I believe he loves me too, but he won't act out of fear - the typical excuses, always postponing and never having something concrete to tell me: waiting till my son is 18, my finantial situation is bad, my mother depends on me, i feel sorry for her, etc etc. As much as I believe everything is true, or could be true - meaning, I don't think he intentionally lies about this, I think he doesn't even realise these are excuses for his selfishness, cowarness and inability to deal with conflict and difficult circumstances - I don't think it's my job to be a martyr while he figures (or in the case, does not figure) himself out.

 

I've done all I can. I've talked to him about everything, let him know I'd be there for him, told him to get help and some counselling. I don't think he will ever be able to follow through with separation. The fact that he has no real friends (only acquantainces) does not help, because he needed to hear the things I tell him from other people. He needed to feel support. I am sure that if he ever was to separate, most likely everyone would turn their backs on him. I know his family. He's the responsible one, let's say. The one who's supposed to be perfect, the one everyone is counting on. The one who can't fail as noone would forgive him for that. But that would be in the early days. Then everything would return to normal - people would have to get used to it. But he can't face that. He can't face feeling guilty or judged, because he feels responsible for everyone. He can't face the possibility of letting them down.

 

Now, I'm not defending him - I've told him in the face that if it's easier for him to lie to everyone and put them in a bad position (while saving himself from conflict), then he lacks values and that really bothers me as well. And it all became too much. Not being able to talk to him; sneaking away to pick up her calls; having to keep our meetings a secret; it's all so painful and humiliating. Plus, the uncertainty of the future. The sleepless nights, the waiting, the wondering, seeing pics of them together "oh, but they mean nothing", etc etc. You all know what I'm talking about if you're an OW. It's maddening. It's not who we were raised up to be. And we all deserve someone who'll be there for us with no time limitations, or other limitations.

 

So I told him I wanted to end it; in fact, I told him I didn't want to end it, but he gave me no alternative. I asked him for an alternative; he went silent. He just said he didn't want to end it, and that he was going to prove me wrong, that he would separate, bla bla. But 2 years went by and he still says he doesn't have a clue on how to separate without making his and everyone's life hell (so the lying and putting me in this awful situation is alright?) We did not part on bad terms, but I'm having one hell of a week since this happened. He kept in touch. Writes regularly, but doesn't talk about anything - just how I am, the weather, work, etc. Friday left me a message saying he was gonna take the next days to get some rest and reflect, and today left me another message telling me about his day, and ended with "I miss you".

 

I mean...is he in denial? Did he realise I ended it with him? Maybe he hasn't. It has only been a week. It's nice to hear from him, but those words are empty and tell me nothing. No actions. So no good for me. Don't know what to think, how to react. I guess I'll just stop hanging on to words and try to release myself. We broke up so I don't understand what's on his mind and why's he's still writing me almost on a daily baisis. Is it just routine? Is he just used to it? Does he really miss me? Does he feel sorry for me? Has he not taken in that I broke up with him?

 

It's so hard, it's hard loving someone deeply and letting go. Worse still, is realising you gave so much of yourself, your time, your energy and your soul for someone who is not capable of giving you back the same thing; for someone who might not come after you in the end, regardless of the reasons - it doesn't matter anymore. It just leaves you with this emptiness that you feel will never go away.

 

Thanks for reading, any words of help will be welcome.

[C00kie]

It still feels like it will never go away. That I'll never find anyone else...can barely eat, work or have fun at all. I know it's all part of the process but I'm very afraid of never being able to overcome this.

[whichwayisup]

Time is on your side and as life goes on, your heart will close off and you'll detach from him. I know it hurts and to make it easier on you, don't even think of the future -Thinking you'll never get over him (you will!), finding someone else etc., you're not in the frame of mind to conceive such an idea. Right now it's just dealing with your loss, crying it out and grieving not having him in your life.

 

Make it clear to him that it's hard on you to hear from him! He can't/won't separate/divorce and you refuse to be the OW so your decision was to walk away and he has to 'get' that and respect your desire to not contact you. Those little messages, that is about him, not about you. He may think it's good to just keep in touch without realizing the damage and how hard it'll be on you, so be strong!

[sunburned]

So I ended it.

 

(check some of my previous posts for a bit of context)

 

I never thought I could do it. It was and still is the most daunting thing for me. I love him deeply and I realise, maybe because of the very dynamic of the affair, that this is so much harder than letting go of a "normal" relationship. I still love him, I love him deeply and that's why it is so painful. Don't mean to sound dramatic, but it's like someone just ripped my heart out. It's such a silent but excruciating pain.

 

But I have been sacrificing myself for such a long time. I'm not going to bash MM, that's not my intent and it would be too easy to do, just bash him so that I could feel better, but I prefer to see things for what they really are and also take responsibility.

 

I believe he loves me too, but he won't act out of fear - the typical excuses, always postponing and never having something concrete to tell me: waiting till my son is 18, my finantial situation is bad, my mother depends on me, i feel sorry for her, etc etc. As much as I believe everything is true, or could be true - meaning, I don't think he intentionally lies about this, I think he doesn't even realise these are excuses for his selfishness, cowarness and inability to deal with conflict and difficult circumstances - I don't think it's my job to be a martyr while he figures (or in the case, does not figure) himself out.

 

I've done all I can. I've talked to him about everything, let him know I'd be there for him, told him to get help and some counselling. I don't think he will ever be able to follow through with separation. The fact that he has no real friends (only acquantainces) does not help, because he needed to hear the things I tell him from other people. He needed to feel support. I am sure that if he ever was to separate, most likely everyone would turn their backs on him. I know his family. He's the responsible one, let's say. The one who's supposed to be perfect, the one everyone is counting on. The one who can't fail as noone would forgive him for that. But that would be in the early days. Then everything would return to normal - people would have to get used to it. But he can't face that. He can't face feeling guilty or judged, because he feels responsible for everyone. He can't face the possibility of letting them down.

 

Now, I'm not defending him - I've told him in the face that if it's easier for him to lie to everyone and put them in a bad position (while saving himself from conflict), then he lacks values and that really bothers me as well. And it all became too much. Not being able to talk to him; sneaking away to pick up her calls; having to keep our meetings a secret; it's all so painful and humiliating. Plus, the uncertainty of the future. The sleepless nights, the waiting, the wondering, seeing pics of them together "oh, but they mean nothing", etc etc. You all know what I'm talking about if you're an OW. It's maddening. It's not who we were raised up to be. And we all deserve someone who'll be there for us with no time limitations, or other limitations.

 

So I told him I wanted to end it; in fact, I told him I didn't want to end it, but he gave me no alternative. I asked him for an alternative; he went silent. He just said he didn't want to end it, and that he was going to prove me wrong, that he would separate, bla bla. But 2 years went by and he still says he doesn't have a clue on how to separate without making his and everyone's life hell (so the lying and putting me in this awful situation is alright?) We did not part on bad terms, but I'm having one hell of a week since this happened. He kept in touch. Writes regularly, but doesn't talk about anything - just how I am, the weather, work, etc. Friday left me a message saying he was gonna take the next days to get some rest and reflect, and today left me another message telling me about his day, and ended with "I miss you".

 

I mean...is he in denial? Did he realise I ended it with him? Maybe he hasn't. It has only been a week. It's nice to hear from him, but those words are empty and tell me nothing. No actions. So no good for me. Don't know what to think, how to react. I guess I'll just stop hanging on to words and try to release myself. We broke up so I don't understand what's on his mind and why's he's still writing me almost on a daily baisis. Is it just routine? Is he just used to it? Does he really miss me? Does he feel sorry for me? Has he not taken in that I broke up with him?

 

It's so hard, it's hard loving someone deeply and letting go. Worse still, is realising you gave so much of yourself, your time, your energy and your soul for someone who is not capable of giving you back the same thing; for someone who might not come after you in the end, regardless of the reasons - it doesn't matter anymore. It just leaves you with this emptiness that you feel will never go away.

 

Thanks for reading, any words of help will be welcome.

 

Hi, Cookie

 

 

So sorry you are suffering! As you know, there are many people who are in and have been in your shoes here. Congrats on taking that first step.

 

 

He keeps communicating because you are probably answering. See boldfaced lines from your post above. I think you left the door open a crack and he is trying to wedge his way in. I know you love him and don't want to be cruel, but think about yourself. End it in no uncertain terms, tell him you want NC and that you will forward any future communication to his wife. Even if you would never do that, it will probably give you the silence you need from him.

 

 

And, yes, it is still too early and too raw for you to proclaim you will never get over it. I felt the same. It is very, very hard but infinitely doable! As wiser posters have said, you can't go under, over or around it. You have to walk through it. And when you do, you will be wiser and stronger!

[Quiet Storm]

"I don't think he intentionally lies about this, I think he doesn even realise these are excuses for his selfishness, cowarness and inability to deal with conflict and difficult circumstances - I don't think it's my job to be a martyr while he figures (or in the case, does not figure) himself out."

 

This.

 

You have come to the point where you see that even if he genuinely loves you and his reasons are valid...that you deserve more. Whether someone is intentionally using you, or just a weak, confused man- the end result is that you are the one sacrificing and selling yourself short.

 

It will be hard, but you have to do it for you.

 

You know you deserve better. He knows you deserve better. Since he doesnt have your best interests at heart, you have to protect yourself.

Edited March 4, 2014 by Quiet Storm

[C00kie]

I agree with all of you. In a way, I ended it in uncertain terms, because I told him that was not what I really wanted, but, at the same time, I made it clear that I was ending because I didn't want to be in this situation anymore. So he knows, while he's in this situation, I won't be coming back - but realising I still love him allows him to persist on mantaining contact, even if he doesn't tell me anything that I really need to hear. We're still attached and it's hard letting that go, but I'm not hoping for anything anymore.

 

His behaviour in the last days tells me that he's deeply troubled and confused. And I'll leave him to deal with it. I've stood by him for the last two years but there are certain things that are only up to him. I've done all I could and even more.

 

Like Quiet Storm said, no matter how valid his reasons may be, they can't be excuses forever. He's grown up and must take responsibility and realise the things he's doing. And he's mostly selfish.

 

One day I'll eventually move on and I feel sorry that he's stuck at a dead end marriage, filled with lies and both parts pretending everything's fine when very clearly is not. But they don't know any different.

 

I guess we get to a point where it's just hard to leave them (MM) because they become almost like a son. You love him, know he's troubled and, like a mother, feel compelled to stand by him no matter what, because you love him so much and you're his shoulder to cry on. You feel like you have to be unconditional so that maybe, just maybe he'll grow a better person and you'll have your reward in the end. Maybe it's a stupid comparison but it has just crossed my mind.

[herself]

Cookie, my deepest sympathy and support to you, I know your in alot of pain, but I promise you will find your smile again soon.

I never thought I would, but here I am a few months later & Im doing just fine.

I think its far easier to accept when you make the choice rather than suddenly having the rug pulled out from under you and your holding on and saying nooooo, whyyyyy.

I know you still will be but with warmer weather & spring, let the sunshine heal and please know in time, your tears will dry & you will get your center back.

Again, I wished a semi would hit me head on & take my life, no joke, and now I am alright, a tiny bit more healed each day. Proud of you. Take good care of your broken heart.

You can always love from a far distance and he will too but living apart will allow you peace & your own life....your gonna be ok.

[C00kie]

Just to keep you posted on how I've been doing. I wrote the post on the 1st week after breaking up. 2nd week was not as bad as the first, but I was still at a very very low point.

 

This is what it's been like since then (I've been writing it down). It's been messy and confusing, but I'm guessing it's part of the process and not for one moment did I regret my decision. Sorry about the long post, but maybe I can help other people who find themselves in the same situation, while hoping I feel less alone in this journey and that your comments may help me get through this.

 

March 8

 

As I listen to The Beatles' Here Comes the Sun (Little darling, it's been a long cold lonely winter...) I can't help feeling like there is hope for me. I almost feel happy today. The sun is shining. I feel lighter. I'm going to the hairdresser and, later on, to a conference about art and breast cancer, followed by a singing by a choir where a friend of mine sings. Later on I might go check the prices at the gym. And today is mine again. The days are mine again...light, sunny, filled with possibilities. I owe nobody an explanation. I don't have to sit around at home just in case someone calls me.

 

Last night I went out with a girlfriend and we both are at kind of miserable points of our lives, but you know what? I was able to meet her. I was able to leave the house. My sadness no longer keeps me glued to my bed or the couch, well, not everyday anyway. So each better day is a victory, even if I'm still hurt, even if there's still so much I need to heal, even if I know the battle isn't over yet.

 

I have a great family, good friends who truly care, and the best co-workers I could ever hope for. I musn't let myself forget that. And I have myself...this girl that I'm rescuing, this girl who loved reading and couldn't find the concentration to read anymore, this girl who is now a woman who was brave enough to end it with the person she loved because she was taught better than being the OW, this woman who was able to board alone an airplane to the other side of the world [note: we live in different countries], countless times, and just face the journey, literally and figuratively speaking, alone. I don't really mean to sound pretensious, but I think I must feel proud of myself and believe I can overcome anything.

 

March 9

 

Not everyday, but very regularly is leaving me messages. Normal messages, asking my how my weekend was, telling me briefly about his.

 

He did not turn his back on me, we got along well and I know he cares and wants to know how I am, and even misses me. And I'm fine with these messages, because I could not deal with the pain of him turning his back on me. At the same time, I get so umconfortable not knowing what to do, or say, and also, I don't want to hang on to hope. I want to let go of all hope and him keeping in touch kind of makes it difficult.

 

I don't know what to do. I'm almost touched by the fact that he keeps in touch but that's just it: keeping in touch. Doesn't mean he'll divorce or anything. Also, I don't think it's him trying to manipulate to win me back at all. I know he must miss me, and I know he cares for me.

 

But yesterday I had a good day and a sense of relief, and now...if I keep in regular touch with him I won't be able to let this go.

 

Anyway: when you break up with someone is it normal that they keep sending you messages, even if "innocent" ones?

 

Confused. I care about him too. It's still early days I'm sure, I'll let the days pass and bring the answers.

 

March 11

 

For me it's still early days so I feel that my feeling and words don't come from a very strong place yet. Everything is still foggy, and confusing. But one thing I can tell for sure - I feel relieved. The break up has been easier than I had imagined. I wanted to die the first days. Literally, I had no strenghts to do anything. I felt like I was losing the person who, in spite of everything, was my soulmate. It was simply awful. Yet, I knew I had done the right thing.

 

As days are going by, I feel relief. Huge deep relief. I feel lighter and happier, but deep down I still wish he doesn't, but it's not that important anymore. I still cry every night before I sleep, and I have so many questions inside my head. I still don't know (maybe never will) what to think of this whole insane situation, and what to think of this man. I'm hurt. But most times, I find myself wanting to stay away. Not wanting to log in. Not wanting to talk to him. Not wanting to write him. And this isn't new. Even when we were together, I was so relieved whenever he went away with her, in a sense, because I knew those would be peaceful days, where I wouldn't be waiting for a call, and life could bring back some normal moments. Other than that, it was just this feeling of being attached, but more than attached, addicted and dependent on something I couldn't always get and, when I did get it, it was filled with questions, uncertainty, doubts, insecurity, anxiety and tears.

I'm not really a religious person, but yesterday I prayed. I prayed for him, and I prayed for me. I prayed that he can find his way, and I prayed that I can continue my way as peacefully as possible, while focusing on myself and not letting myself fall for stupid and easy temptations (guys) or illusions which surely wouldn't be right for me now. I deserve to be happy and I want good things to be on my way - but I want them to be there for the right reasons, and the right time. Right now, I just want to heal.

 

To be honest, the worst thing about all of this is damn facebook. Making matters worse, we're distant family so I often hear people/family talking to me about him and saying the most wonderful things about him - he's a nice person and all that, to those who don't know he must seem just fine and perfect. And having my cousins say they've been chatting with him, or simply seeing them interact...wow, hurts, I wish he decided to cancel his account. Not to mention that I'm sure he'll eventually return to my country because he loves the country and the family he has here...and I know it will hurt to know he's here, and not with me, and wondering who he's with, etc etc...also seeing the women he adds on facebook and wondering who they are...these type of crazy ****. No use trying to predict anything.

 

One step at a time...I'm doing my best. I've been doing my best for a long time now, maybe 4 months. So this has to lead me somewhere. This is the only thing I could do with my life. I couldn't suffer being second best forever. I just want to be happy again and find energy to procceed with my life. If that will find me a good decent man...well, it would be nice, but if I can't find one, too bad. I'm not settling for less than I believe...that's no way to live.

 

March 13

 

MM still writes, almost daily. Tells me about his day, says how work went, asks about my days etc, all very briefly. These days has been telling me his home internet has been off, and that he will travel the next 4 days. I don't know why he does this, like justifying himself and sharing this, because we broke up. I don't understand but, anyway, I don't have any hopes about anything anymore. Maybe he feels alone, or is truly missing me, he could be. Does not talk about our situation at all (specially because he has nothing new to tell me, I'm guessing) it's just this messages telling about his days, asking about mine. I'm never the one to initiate contact and always take a while to respond. I always thought when we finally broke up, he'd cease contact. Good thing is I'm not holding on to hope anymore. I am facing this as a break up because it's what's best. I need to be at peace so that the future brings me whatever it has to bring.

March 13

 

I had to take a calming pill. Today I'm better but never know what tomorrow will be like. But this is part of the road and I knew it wouldn't be easy. The nights are the hardest. Looking at his pics and suddenly missing him, suddenly realising I lost what we had. I miss his voice that I haven't heard in almost 3 weeks - we never ever spent so long without talking on the phone. Just missing the good moments. I miss the voice, but not waiting for the calls. Miss the voice, but not the sneaky calls. Miss the voice, but not the empty promises.

 

March 14

 

I don't know what he's getting at. He writes, I reply a few days later not saying much. He keeps writing...superficial conversation...how can he not think about what he's doing. He hurt me, I ended it and he keeps in touch, not thinking about any consequences or meaning to it? Noone keeps in almost daily contact after break up.

 

March 14

 

Just having one of those moments. I'm oscilating between not missing him/the situation at all (most of the time), and thinking about my love for him. Just two days ago I was telling that even if he came to my doorstep divorced, I probably wouldn't want him since I'm so hurt. But when I feel weak, I feel like I could give in. It's all so hard. I'm keeping in mind: it's part of the process. Moving, just keep moving.

 

March 15, today

 

I still have all the sms MM sent me since I met him. All of them. Many of them, specially the ones before he failed to leave his wife in 2012, are filled with loving words. But many, many, many sms are also "sorry, can't call you. will talk tomorrow"; "hi. can't talk today. talk to you later"; "hi. sorry about the lack of news" and things like that. Re-reading these things was an eye opener. Also, I searched the words "gotta go" in our facebook conversations and it appeared dozens of times, always written by him, of course. And also the words "can't call you today", or "sorry about the lack of news". I did this to remind myself of the bad moments. Of the birthdays agonising over whether I'd hear from him (I always did, but the anticipation was awful). The Xmas. The special dates.

 

Of course, I understand being with a married person has its limitations. But this had been going on for over two years, and would continue if I let it. This is a man who always told me he loved me deeply and would leave to be with me. He said that consistently but no consistent (or any) actions ever matched his words. While he was telling me that, he was telling his wife she was the most amazing woman in the world and that he loved her to bits. I saw an sms from last year, sent to her on Women's Day, saying she was the most wonderful and loved woman in the world. My knees turned jelly. He said it was just to keep her happy, so that his wife wouldn't turn into a living hell. Right.

I once saw an sms which he sent her from my country's airport, after a 10 day holiday with me, saying "Hi baby. Miss you. I'm at the airport eager to see you. Love you a ton". After 10 days that she thought he was simply staying with the family. After 10 days of saying he loved me and beautiful words. Hard to understand, because I could tell he did not miss her and he would take time away from her whenever he could, sometimes up to a month. Whether it's guilt, trying to keep her suspicions down, you name it, it's just not right. He's damaged. He wasn't going to do anything and the fact that he always tried to keep both of us (even if for different reasons) showed me that.

 

You know, we were supposed to be together in 2012. He came to see me but said he had to go back. He hadn't been able to leave her because she was getting an operation (lol, pathetic excuse, it was a simple operation). Then it was money and finances. Then the mother. Then the son. Than he was gonna talk to her on the weekend. But it was the weekend before new years so didnt want to ruin it. And so on.

 

Not to mention the double standard, but I'm not going there now.

 

Last month, we stayed a few days at a house his father owns and there are some neighbours who take care of the house while noone's there. The house has 4 rooms, and of course we only used one and slept in the same bed. One day, I realised he kept the light on in one of the other rooms all the time. So that it would look like I was there, therefore, each in one room, not to raise suspicions. Talk about humiliating. Two years on, still this behaviour. Is this a man who really wanted to be with me? Because if he was, he just wouldn't give a **** about what the neighbours would think and wouldn't put me through such a humiliating situation. Whatever his reasons, more or less valid. But selfishness, always thinking about him first...not wanting problems. It's moments like that that made me think "f*ck, what am I doing with my life". I also found a pic of his wife on his wallet, taken less than 1 year ago. He said she put it there. Lol. It was Valentine's day when I saw this. I said to myself: "never again".

Edited March 15, 2014 by C00kie

[yellowmaverick]

 

You know, we were supposed to be together in 2012. He came to see me but said he had to go back. He hadn't been able to leave her because she was getting an operation (lol, pathetic excuse, it was a simple operation). Then it was money and finances. Then the mother. Then the son. Than he was gonna talk to her onthe weekend. But it was the weekend before new years so didnt want to ruin it.

And so on.

 

It's good that you are able to see that his wife is his priority and he never intended to leave her. However, you aren't really NC with him. I think that if you took the final step of blocking him and never replying to his messages, you would heal more quickly. Things are not goinig to change, Cookie, unless YOU change them. He is content - he has his wife AND a mistress. Take back your power.

[whichwayisup]

He keeps writing...superficial conversation...how can he not think about what he's doing. He hurt me, I ended it and he keeps in touch, not thinking about any consequences or meaning to it? Noone keeps in almost daily contact after break up.

 

He knows he's hurt you and he doesn't want to be the 'bad' guy. Though with that said, he knows the A is over but isn't ready to let go completely either, that is the addictive part of the A, what each of you feel when you hear from each other.. He may think he'll be casual and lay low, keep in touch and figure you'll come around again, cave and want to start the A again.

 

Bottom line here, you can't really grieve this loss hearing from him daily. All that does is keep him in your head. Just as you start to feel better, focus on other stuff, you hear from him, putting him front and center in your mind again... Hmmm...Makes you wonder on some level if he is doing that on purpose so you won't forget him? Just a thought.

 

Sooner or later you need to tell him to please respect your wishes, to stop writing, stop contact. The A is over and contact is just prolonging the real 'end' and grieving process.

 

Stay strong.

[jwi71]

March 15, today

 

I still have all the sms MM sent me since I met him. All of them.

 

Why?

Why continue to torture yourself like this.

IF you have ended it "for good"...then do so. Delete them.

Because I'm fairly certain re-reading them ends with you in tears - either sad or angry ones. So...delete them.

Many of them, specially the ones before he failed to leave his wife in 2012, are filled with loving words. But many, many, many sms are also "sorry, can't call you. will talk tomorrow"; "hi. can't talk today. talk to you later"; "hi. sorry about the lack of news" and things like that. Re-reading these things was an eye opener. Also, I searched the words "gotta go" in our facebook conversations and it appeared dozens of times, always written by him, of course. And also the words "can't call you today", or "sorry about the lack of news". I did this to remind myself of the bad moments. Of the birthdays agonising over whether I'd hear from him (I always did, but the anticipation was awful). The Xmas. The special dates.

Why keep reminders of being in second place? Who proudly displays the red ribbon?

 

Get rid of them.

 

Why abuse yourself so?

 

Of course, I understand being with a married person has its limitations. But this had been going on for over two years, and would continue if I let it. This is a man who always told me he loved me deeply and would leave to be with me. He said that consistently but no consistent (or any) actions ever matched his words. While he was telling me that, he was telling his wife she was the most amazing woman in the world and that he loved her to bits. I saw an sms from last year, sent to her on Women's Day, saying she was the most wonderful and loved woman in the world. My knees turned jelly. He said it was just to keep her happy, so that his wife wouldn't turn into a living hell. Right.

So you are aware of what is going on and CHOOSE to continue (I refer to keeping these windows to the past open). There will NEVER be an easy time to erase this...to block, delte, unfriend and everything else...so why not now?

 

Please, print the above you wrote and tape it to your mirror, refrigerator door - possibly tattoo it to your forehead - so YOU never forget.

 

He didn't WANT to leave. Its that simple. The proof is in your memory. You are here now because HE chose you to be here now. Never forget.

 

A man who TRULY loves YOU - puts YOU above HIMSELF - would never do this to you.

 

So...let's block, delete and ignore. You can't see the future if your head is always cranked around longing for the past.

 

Start living now.

[Poppy's sister]

Hi,

 

This is my first post, have read and lurked a lot lately, but cookie's post could have been written by me. Especially the paragraph about her exmm, being everything to everyone, being the good one in the family, the one everyone turns too. I am married and have been in an affair for nearly 3 hrs with mm, he had d day 12 months and 1 week ago, and somehow we have continued our affair. Not exactly been easy in fact the lurching roller coaster makes me sick most of the time. I am almost at the point cookie was at, and was sat wondering if the pain of ending it would be surmountable , compared with the pain of continuing....anyway just wanted to say...thank you cookie, you have made me think hard and I see my situation as not unique, and that I too will possibly come to the point of realising I can end this .

Hope you are looking upwards and onwards.....but boy isn't it hard !

[Poppy's sister]

Blasted iPad...should be 3 years not 3 hours !!

[C00kie]

Hi,

 

This is my first post, have read and lurked a lot lately, but cookie's post could have been written by me. Especially the paragraph about her exmm, being everything to everyone, being the good one in the family, the one everyone turns too. I am married and have been in an affair for nearly 3 hrs with mm, he had d day 12 months and 1 week ago, and somehow we have continued our affair. Not exactly been easy in fact the lurching roller coaster makes me sick most of the time. I am almost at the point cookie was at, and was sat wondering if the pain of ending it would be surmountable , compared with the pain of continuing....anyway just wanted to say...thank you cookie, you have made me think hard and I see my situation as not unique, and that I too will possibly come to the point of realising I can end this .

Hope you are looking upwards and onwards.....but boy isn't it hard !

 

Hi Poppy. Yes, it is very hard but it's possible to overcome it. We all have to reach a breaking point before we are able to stick to our decision of moving forward without him, and although it hurts, it's very important to keep in mind that it won't be easy. Somedays will be lighter and happier, and some will be hard and extremely depressing. Knowing everything is a part of the process if very important to keep focused. Last week I was actually feeling better than I am now. As time goes by, you'll find it is hard to let go of all the thoughts and the questions inside your head. Sometimes you can find peace, sometimes you can't, because the dynamics of the affair are crazy making, regardless of the man we're talking about. Maybe he loved me, maybe he did not, I think he did because he did this and that for me, or maybe he didn't because he has been such a jerk at times...you never know, you never get all the answers and if you do, only time and peace will bring them.

 

So I'm just praying I keep my focus and leave some toxic behaviours behind. It's all very recent but I'm trying to surround myself by genuinely good caring people, do things I like such as read and take walks, and spoil myself every now and then with little pleasures like haing an extra nice meal, going to the manicure, whatever. That will help me keep sane and focused on the true potential of my life, instead of getting all caught up with people/thing/situations that suck the life out of me and make me forget that there is a world filled with possibilities out there.

[jellybean89]

Cookie,

 

when are you going to stop replying to his emails?

 

When is enough for you?

 

I agree, you are not in NC with him...any contact, no matter if it is 2 hours or 2 weeks after he contacts you is still contact.

 

When will you tell him to STOP emailing you or delete that email address?

[C00kie]

Cookie,

 

when are you going to stop replying to his emails?

 

When is enough for you?

 

I agree, you are not in NC with him...any contact, no matter if it is 2 hours or 2 weeks after he contacts you is still contact.

 

When will you tell him to STOP emailing you or delete that email address?

 

 

We broke up, no doubt about that. I understand the importance of NC at this stage...but we're not NC. We are not even LC, because he's been writing often - regular stuff. Maybe it's early days, and he'll stop eventually, because in time we'll probably distance more and more. I haven't been replying all his messages. I reply some, but take some days to do so. About NC, it's easier said than done and everything is still new, it's a lot to take but I have been putting a lot of thought into this and if he doesn't back off, I definetely will. Thanks for your input

[jellybean89]

cookie,

 

I didn't mean to sound as harsh sounding, I apologize if it came off that way.

 

My view of NC is for you -- for you to heal. Grieving is normal; but staying in contact with someone who has hurt you to the depths he has hurt you is not good for you. And you are what ultimately is important here. Your mental health is important.

 

Why aren't you in NC? Yes, easier said than done; but you've done stuff so much harder...so why aren't you letting go? You don't have to answer me -- just food for thought. What are you hoping to 'gain' by not deleting his emails without reading them, or not responding...or better yet, writing one more email telling him to stop communicating with you.

 

All of the above is sent with care and concern...cause you are important and his continual interruption of your healing process is not good for you.

[SoleMate]

We broke up, no doubt about that...but we're not NC...not even LC, because he's been writing often - regular stuff. Maybe it's early days, and he'll stop eventually, because in time we'll probably distance more and more....

This is a disturbing level of passivity. You made the correct decision to break up physically, but with contact continuing, you haven't broken up emotionally (and you won't have a chance to experience the full benefits of NC). You're waiting for him and/or time to finalize the brakup.

 

Can't YOU take the next step and execute permanent NC?

[AjisenHi]

{{{HUGS}}} to you C00kie.

 

Sorry you are going through this awful time. My sister's story is very similar to yours and reading your story has helped me empathize more with her plight.

 

While waiting for her MM to get his act together, she is so long suffering, I have become impatient for her to move forward with her own life and needs rather than his. You have reached a point beyond that and made a decision to move on. Keep on putting one foot in front of another and soon I hope you will find your sunshine.

 

As others have said NC is essential for this to happen, the texts and emails will anchor you to a painful past. Unshackle yourself, vent here.