WorstPartner Posted March 3, 2014 Posted March 3, 2014 (edited) Dear All, First of all I am ashamed with myself. I have done something completely not acceptable. I physically abused my girlfriend. It lasted like 1s but changed my life completely.. I am commited to change. She moved out from our apartment and now she is staying with friends. We are talking, I am hundred percent sure that I am able to change by: - pushing aside all the alcohol - controlling my emotions and anger and getting support from psychologist - learning better communication There is a slight chance that we will be back together in the near future. I know that I can swear that I will change but that's not really much. What else can I do? It is horrible but I want her back to give her only the best.. Edited March 3, 2014 by WorstPartner
GorillaTheater Posted March 3, 2014 Posted March 3, 2014 Get used to the idea that it may be/probably is over for good, and do whatever work on yourself may be necessary to see that it never, ever happens again with another woman. What did you do, and what was the context? 2
Author WorstPartner Posted March 3, 2014 Author Posted March 3, 2014 We had an argument on a wedding and while we were coming back home in the middle of a quarell I have hit her.. stupid ****ing me..
TaraMaiden Posted March 3, 2014 Posted March 3, 2014 Has drink been a problem for you before? Has it made you violent before? Do you consider the drinking - or the violence - to be the worst issue you have?
GorillaTheater Posted March 3, 2014 Posted March 3, 2014 Putting aside for the moment the fact that if she was my daughter, I'd kill your ass, your best bet is to show her your changes, not to tell her about them. Even then, I'd have pretty slim hopes were I you, because any woman with a shred of self-respect (and thus, worth having in the first place) is going to dump you hard, fast, and permanently. So sure, make the changes you need to for her to a point, but primarily make them for yourself. You don't want to be That Guy, so do whatever it takes not to be. You f*cked up, big time. You have to deal with that, but you don't have to repeat it. 6
Author WorstPartner Posted March 3, 2014 Author Posted March 3, 2014 After analyzing all my uncontrolled behavior I can tell that all of them had one common denominator - alcohol. I was good to her, never cheated was fair and I wanted the best for us but now it is hard to believe that I am the best for her.. I know I could change, I have already scheduled a meeting with psychologist, do not even think about drinking and I love her very much..
TaraMaiden Posted March 3, 2014 Posted March 3, 2014 Go to your local AA meeting as soon as you can, and enrol there too. Tell her this - because part of the program is to make amends with those whose lives you have affected adversely, due to your alcohol intake. And stick with their program, for your sake. If alcohol changes who you are, you need to change who you are by NOT using alcohol. She may not come back to you - but at least you are implementing changes to your life, which mean nobody can ever leave you for the same reason, in future. 3
Author WorstPartner Posted March 3, 2014 Author Posted March 3, 2014 I will not touch alcohol in any possible time.. Do you have any ideas what additionally I can do? Today I have figured out that she will be meeting with a friend and I have gave her a huge bouquet of flowers..
frigginlost Posted March 3, 2014 Posted March 3, 2014 Bouquet of flowers is nice.... But... You want to have an impact? On the card, give the Name, date, and time for the shrink you're going to meet with, along with the same for any treatment you have planned for alcohol. Words are going to mean absolutely nothing right now. It's all actions from this point forward. You have a very slim chance and words are not going to do anything. Time and actions might. Best of luck.
3j15 Posted March 3, 2014 Posted March 3, 2014 I am going through a similar situation, I also never thought I would ever become this person. read through my threads for a bit more information. It's tough, I dunno what to do right now. But it's true our chances of getting back our ex's are slim to none. We shouldn't be focused trying to get our ex's back. because really that is not what is important. If we got them back tomorrow, we would be living a lie, Or at least i would. We both need to figure ourselves out, get our emotions under control. MAKE SURE THIS DOES NOT HAPPEN AGAIN TO ANYONE. NO ONE EVER DESERVES THIS. I found that most of my rage and anger comes out when I am drinking. So yeah I agree with you when we should cut alcohol out of our lives. I cant believe I became "that guy".
Simon Phoenix Posted March 3, 2014 Posted March 3, 2014 I will not touch alcohol in any possible time.. Do you have any ideas what additionally I can do? Today I have figured out that she will be meeting with a friend and I have gave her a huge bouquet of flowers.. No to the flowers. That can be seen as insulting. You hit a woman and betray her trust in you and you think a bunch of plants is going to make everything feel better? That's a chump move. You need to leave her be and work entirely on you. Hitting women is despicable and you need to sort yourself out and let her heal. 6
Author WorstPartner Posted March 4, 2014 Author Posted March 4, 2014 I think she is considering to come back but not anytime in the next couple of days or even weeks.. What I have spotted there is one friend of her who is really trying to push her aside from me. Do you think there is any way to stop that..?
kjackson1 Posted March 4, 2014 Posted March 4, 2014 You physically abused her, now you are wondering if you can control or manipulate her into not talking to a friend who disapproves you. There isn't anything you should do except better yourself and learning from your mistakes. Follow through with what the other posters said ie. AA 1
dragon_fly_7 Posted March 4, 2014 Posted March 4, 2014 (edited) I think you should go to an AA and forget about her. There is really nothing a potential bf can do that would make me even look at him in the eyes after hitting me and bringing flowers would be like pouring salt to an injury to me. If you hit someone, that's really similar to cheating on them because there is no trust anymore and if it happen once than it can happen again. There are certain things that you simply don't get a second chance for and physically assaulted your gf (drunk or not) is one of them. Edited March 4, 2014 by dragon_fly_7
Author WorstPartner Posted March 4, 2014 Author Posted March 4, 2014 I am not going to forget her. I love her and I will take whatever the steps to get her back.
Poppyolive Posted March 4, 2014 Posted March 4, 2014 Alcohol is only a cover it does not make you an abuser. It let's your gaurd down for the real you to be exposed. You have more problems than just alcohol, deep rooted. You were trying go control her and you are still doing it with trying to get her back. I hope she doesnt come back and realizes she deserves better. You have alit of work today for yourself before you can consider bring in a relationship....go it alone and face all your issues that make you an abuser. 4
TaraMaiden Posted March 4, 2014 Posted March 4, 2014 Look to yourself first; whatever remedies you put in place to rectify your idiocy, make sure you do it all for YOU - nobody else.
dragon_fly_7 Posted March 4, 2014 Posted March 4, 2014 (edited) I am not going to forget her. I love her and I will take whatever the steps to get her back.I suppose if she doesn't want you in your life, then you would respect her wish as well too? By only doing the changes just to get her back sounds like manipulation to me. Make the changes for yourself, not because you're trying to get her back. Sorry but she deserves better. By taking you back, she's doing us a disservice because then more men would be thinking we like the bad guys that hits us. In addition, she would be giving a bad example to the rest of the young women out there by saying it's ok to tolerate unacceptable acts. Edited March 4, 2014 by dragon_fly_7
Simon Phoenix Posted March 4, 2014 Posted March 4, 2014 I think she is considering to come back but not anytime in the next couple of days or even weeks.. What I have spotted there is one friend of her who is really trying to push her aside from me. Do you think there is any way to stop that..? You shouldn't try to. Dude, you hit her. You are going to have to deal with her friends thinking you are a piece of sh*t. Comes with the territory -- trying to fight it just makes you look even worse. 4
dragon_fly_7 Posted March 4, 2014 Posted March 4, 2014 (edited) You shouldn't try to. Dude, you hit her. You are going to have to deal with her friends thinking you are a piece of sh*t. Comes with the territory -- trying to fight it just makes you look even worse.This OP. If you were to hit one of my friends or female cousins, I would be disliking you too. I have to add you're lucky she didn't file assault charges on you. I would have and nothing would make me drop them. I've already dealt with seeing my father hitting my mother during heated arguments (she would get verbal and he would retaliate by going physical on her, which is very cowardly and definitely the worst way to deal with a woman throwing a tantrum; hitting is hitting and that's abuse) long ago during my childhood and teen years. I've made a promise to myself of NEVER EVER letting a man get away with hitting me, not even once, not even if he were drunk. Even if I tell to literally tell him to die and go suck his grandmother, that would still give him absolutely no rights to lay a hand on me. Edited March 4, 2014 by dragon_fly_7
Author WorstPartner Posted March 4, 2014 Author Posted March 4, 2014 I sincerely want to change.. This relationship has been really tough for both of us.. Previously I have forgiven her two times when she cheated on me. We went through lots of ups and downs but I know that we both still love each other and there is a chance that we will be happy one day..
dragon_fly_7 Posted March 4, 2014 Posted March 4, 2014 I sincerely want to change.That's what they all said. Maybe my father must have said that too when it was the first time it happened (when I was a baby). This relationship has been really tough for both of us.. Previously I have forgiven her two times when she cheated on me. We went through lots of ups and downs but I know that we both still love each other and there is a chance that we will be happy one day.. That is when you should have dumped her. Cheating isn't accepted in my book either. She cheated twice and then now you hit her, are you sure this is the relationship you want? Full of drama and trust issues, plus now having to deal with her friends and others thinking the worst of you? 1
Simon Phoenix Posted March 4, 2014 Posted March 4, 2014 That sounds like an awful relationship. Had you moved on either time she cheated on you, maybe you wouldn't have gotten to a point where you felt hitting a woman was a solution to the problem. Instead of trying to revisit an extremely toxic relationship, why not find a woman who a) won't cheat on you or b) you don't feel the need to strike?
GorillaTheater Posted March 4, 2014 Posted March 4, 2014 That sounds like an awful relationship. Had you moved on either time she cheated on you, maybe you wouldn't have gotten to a point where you felt hitting a woman was a solution to the problem. Instead of trying to revisit an extremely toxic relationship, why not find a woman who a) won't cheat on you or b) you don't feel the need to strike? Because his instinct is to try to control an essentially uncontrollable situation, then get uncontrollably enraged when that doesn't pan out. That sound about right, WP? 4
dragon_fly_7 Posted March 5, 2014 Posted March 5, 2014 Because his instinct is to try to control an essentially uncontrollable situation, then get uncontrollably enraged when that doesn't pan out. That sound about right, WP?Indeed, that's pretty much the definition of a controlling person.
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