Js2493 Posted March 3, 2014 Posted March 3, 2014 I was dating my ex for 2 years and she ended it on Thursday. She said stuff like we need time to work on ourselves and time apart. She also said that she's given up on me and I'm not the person I used to be. I see no change in myself, but towards the end we would fight a lot which ALWAYS resulted in me trying to change things about myself. Here's a little background...I'm 21 and she's 19. We were together a year before she decided to go to college and I decided I would change my life for her and do the same. My decision to go to college was largely based on her, but it was something I saw as a way to better myself and become a better person. Time became a big factor and it seemed to me like she was making excuses to not see me. I felt like I was putting in a lot more than I was getting out. I saw a lot of signs along that way but I guess I was just too naive or scared to believe them. We would get into these fights over small things and every time we fought, it would become increasingly worse, like we were pushing each other to see how far we could go. Deep down, I still feel like we have a chance even after she ended it. She said " we can see where we're at after time but I just dont know right now." It sucks for me because I'm clinging to this small chance but I don't know for sure. I know it's selfish, but I wish one way or the other I knew for sure so I could move on with my life. Now, I'm left with all these emotions like regret, pain, sadness. I'm scared that if we dont get back together, I'll never be able to give anyone else as much of myself as I did to her because I don't want to feel pain like this again...Yes, I know it gets better with time...but right now I can't make myself believe that. Any tips or advice to get through this? or activites that help? I'm a full time college student and try to spend as much time at the gym as possible. My main problem is I've just been sitting here thinking about how this is all my fault. Thanks for any input. It's greatly appreciated.
TaraMaiden Posted March 3, 2014 Posted March 3, 2014 I posted this yesterday in someone else's thread... A young guy, like you, who was dumped by an equally young GF... I post it again, because it absolutely applies to you too... much as i hate to say it - it happens all the time. You would be stunned at the sheer amount of threads started by - it has to be said - mainly males, although not exclusively, regarding the death of intimate feelings on the part of the girl/partner. (And there's a reason for that....) And always, but always, these people met during their mid- to late teens. Two things: How you feel as a teen is ALWAYS, but ALWAYS going to change, evolve develop and shift, as you get older. There are things you do as a young teen, that you would never imagine carrying on over into adulthood. Getting into a permanent fixed relationship, therefore unsurprisingly, is one of them. You can never hope to maintain the same level or depth of feeling, as 'you' move from being essentially a child, into an adult. Her feelings have changed, because she's evolved. And here's the kicker: She's evolved more quickly than you, because girls' brains, in general, mature faster than those of guys. (However, neither your brain nor hers, are even fully cooked yet.) She's out-grown you. What started as something wonderful in your teens, she has now moved on from, because she doesn't have those same feelings any more. I know it's an odd thing to say, but don't take it 'personally'. Had you been any other guy of your age - she would have done the same thing. It's not 'you' specifically. It's the fact that she has reached a level of mental attitude that has felt stuck and inhibited, restrained by the worn familiarity of a relationship that was great, but is now, 'stale'. She has a need to broaden her horizons and see and experience new things. And - honestly? You should take her lead. Because you neither of you know what a wonderful variety of new things to explore, lies ahead of you. I know it hurts right now. But sadly, it's pretty common. And dare I say it, almost a natural thing to happen.
Chi townD Posted March 3, 2014 Posted March 3, 2014 Your fault? Ummmm.....okay. How? I mean, you've made steps to improve yourself. You gotten yourself in college and work out. You're doing things to better your life. You tell me, her breaking up with you...how is that your fault? Because you fought a lot? If you think back to the times that you fought, I speculate that she started most of those fights. I think she was looking for an out. And she started fights with you to convince herself , "Well, look...all we do is fight." Nevermind that SHE probably started most of the fights. Dude, just move on. Take care of your sh*t. Do well in school. Continue to work out. And make self improvements to your life. Ignore her and move on.
Author Js2493 Posted March 3, 2014 Author Posted March 3, 2014 Your fault? Ummmm.....okay. How? I mean, you've made steps to improve yourself. You gotten yourself in college and work out. You're doing things to better your life. You tell me, her breaking up with you...how is that your fault? Because you fought a lot? If you think back to the times that you fought, I speculate that she started most of those fights. I think she was looking for an out. And she started fights with you to convince herself , "Well, look...all we do is fight." Nevermind that SHE probably started most of the fights. Dude, just move on. Take care of your sh*t. Do well in school. Continue to work out. And make self improvements to your life. Ignore her and move on. I guess I feel like it's my fault by how she ended it. She said that I promise to make changes but I never come through and she's tired of being let down. She said she has to put her own happiness first and cant keep giving me chances. I know it seems completely irrational that it's "all my fault," but right now I just feel like it is. I think of all the things I could've done better to have possibly avoided this. I know there's light at the end of the tunnel, but right now that tunnel is clogged with crazy emotions and irrational thoughts.
TaraMaiden Posted March 3, 2014 Posted March 3, 2014 read the link in my post. Relax, it's ok, you're fine. This isn't going to kill you.....
WhoreyBull Posted March 3, 2014 Posted March 3, 2014 This is why I basically say don't date seriously in university/college. There are so many flavors of people out there and no one knows what the hell they want. What if next year you take some class/have an experience that completely changes what you thought you wanted from life? I've seen it happen. Focus on yourself, grow as a person, and really figure out what you want to do with your life. There are many years to get serious about something. I have to glean that you aren't really sure about what you want right now considering your choice of going to school was influenced by her, but you are correct about it being a chance to better yourself. Join some groups, do some volunteer work, take up painting or something, I don't know (haha). Just go out there and find something new that interests you and put the whole looking for a serious partner thing on hold.
Chi townD Posted March 3, 2014 Posted March 3, 2014 I guess I feel like it's my fault by how she ended it. She said that I promise to make changes but I never come through and she's tired of being let down. She said she has to put her own happiness first and cant keep giving me chances. I know it seems completely irrational that it's "all my fault," but right now I just feel like it is. I think of all the things I could've done better to have possibly avoided this. I know there's light at the end of the tunnel, but right now that tunnel is clogged with crazy emotions and irrational thoughts. Yeah dude, this is called blameshifting. She's laying the demise of the relationship squarely on your shoulders so she doesn't have to feel guilty about dumping you. At any point did she shoulder ANY blame on HER part for the relationship falling apart? My money is on a big fat "NO"!
conf Posted March 3, 2014 Posted March 3, 2014 much as i hate to say it - it happens all the time. You would be stunned at the sheer amount of threads started by - it has to be said - mainly males, although not exclusively, regarding the death of intimate feelings on the part of the girl/partner. (And there's a reason for that....) And always, but always, these people met during their mid- to late teens. Two things: How you feel as a teen is ALWAYS, but ALWAYS going to change, evolve develop and shift, as you get older. There are things you do as a young teen, that you would never imagine carrying on over into adulthood. Getting into a permanent fixed relationship, therefore unsurprisingly, is one of them. You can never hope to maintain the same level or depth of feeling, as 'you' move from being essentially a child, into an adult. Her feelings have changed, because she's evolved. And here's the kicker: She's evolved more quickly than you, because girls' brains, in general, mature faster than those of guys. (However, neither your brain nor hers, are even fully cooked yet.) She's out-grown you. What started as something wonderful in your teens, she has now moved on from, because she doesn't have those same feelings any more. I know it's an odd thing to say, but don't take it 'personally'. Had you been any other guy of your age - she would have done the same thing. It's not 'you' specifically. It's the fact that she has reached a level of mental attitude that has felt stuck and inhibited, restrained by the worn familiarity of a relationship that was great, but is now, 'stale'. She has a need to broaden her horizons and see and experience new things. And - honestly? You should take her lead. Because you neither of you know what a wonderful variety of new things to explore, lies ahead of you. I know it hurts right now. But sadly, it's pretty common. And dare I say it, almost a natural thing to happen. I disagree totally with that! This is sign that she needs to mature and not a sign that she out-grown him. She thinks that the relationships are only the butterflies and the excitement of the new. Have you ever questioned why this mostly happens to males? Imho this happens because this is the relationship role model which Hollywood promotes in the romantic movies (In which the target group is women). Namely, there is the ONE with whom you will always feel butterflies and there will not be any problems. You will run on the beach carefree every day in your life! This is not realistic, and the women understand it after entering in some relationships = after they mature.
Chi townD Posted March 3, 2014 Posted March 3, 2014 I disagree totally with that! This is sign that she needs to mature and not a sign that she out-grown him. She thinks that the relationships are only the butterflies and the excitement of the new. Have you ever questioned why this mostly happens to males? Imho this happens because this is the relationship role model which Hollywood promotes in the romantic movies (In which the target group is women). Namely, there is the ONE with whom you will always feel butterflies and there will not be any problems. You will run on the beach carefree every day in your life! This is not realistic, and the women understand it after entering in some relationships = after they mature. Soooo...you're telling me that relationships that have failed in my past could be blamed on Hollywood for warping women's minds into believing a fictional stereotype of what is the IDEAL male? Do I have grounds to sue?
conf Posted March 3, 2014 Posted March 3, 2014 (edited) Soooo...you're telling me that relationships that have failed in my past could be blamed on Hollywood for warping women's minds into believing a fictional stereotype of what is the IDEAL male? Do I have grounds to sue? You get my point. Do not turn on trolling mode Believe it or not there are models that affect what we are/what we want. This is just one of them. Edited March 3, 2014 by conf 1
Chi townD Posted March 3, 2014 Posted March 3, 2014 You get my point. Do not turn on trolling mode Believe it or not there are models that affect what we are/what we want. This is just one of them. LOL! I'm kidding! Yeah, I see where you're coming from. But, if I'm on same page on what you wrote. Then, what you and Tara wrote isn't that far apart from each other. I mean, you're saying that young girls get this perception on what they want in a future mate and they get the idea's from fictional character from Hollywood movies. (Team Edward and Team Jacob crap). But, when they get older, they realize that what they want was fictional. When they mature. Well, Tara said the same thing. This girl is 19 and about to enter into her 20's. What we want when we were teenagers is usually completely different then what we want in our late twenties. And it goes with that maturity you're talking about. So, not much different. 1
conf Posted March 3, 2014 Posted March 3, 2014 LOL! I'm kidding! Yeah, I see where you're coming from. But, if I'm on same page on what you wrote. Then, what you and Tara wrote isn't that far apart from each other. I mean, you're saying that young girls get this perception on what they want in a future mate and they get the idea's from fictional character from Hollywood movies. (Team Edward and Team Jacob crap). But, when they get older, they realize that what they want was fictional. When they mature. Well, Tara said the same thing. This girl is 19 and about to enter into her 20's. What we want when we were teenagers is usually completely different then what we want in our late twenties. And it goes with that maturity you're talking about. So, not much different. From what you 've said i realized that indeed there is not much difference
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