Friendship is possible

[LaylaSings]

You can remain friends after an affair. I fully believe it.

I'm not saying it's easy and it's definitely painful at times.

 

We didn't have a DDay and it ended fairly mutually..

Does anyone have success stories?

[txgrl]

Ok . But why would you want to? There are plenty of people out there with whom we can cultivate very healthy friendships , then why would one choose to remain friends with an xAP and be in a potentially painful situation all the time?

[whichwayisup]

You can remain friends after an affair. I fully believe it.

I'm not saying it's easy and it's definitely painful at times.

 

We didn't have a DDay and it ended fairly mutually..

Does anyone have success stories?

 

If you are the single one and hanging onto a friendship after the A ends, all it becomes is an emotional affair. The feelings are still there and being fed, preventing you from letting go, healing and allowing yourself to open up and connect with someone else.

 

If you are married person and keeping a friendship with the xAP, it's still an EA and feelings are there, preventing the MM/MW to reconnect with his/her spouse. And, it's still a selfish/self serving friendship that is not good for the marriage. Highly doubt ANY BS would like if their husband/wife still were friends with the xAP.

[TaraMaiden]

You can remain friends after an affair. I fully believe it.

I'm not saying it's easy and it's definitely painful at times.

Why?

What could possibly be the point or advantage to either party?

And why prolong the possible agony for the betrayed spouse, who may lateer find out that their cheating partner kept in touch with their AP after the sexual relations had ended?

 

We didn't have a DDay and it ended fairly mutually..

Does anyone have success stories?

'Success' stories....?

What... you mean, maintaining contact with a previous lover to 'stay friends' when obviously all common sense dictates this is the worst possible, futile and utterly pointless idea?

[violet1]

I agree, it's still an EA! Once that line has been crossed there's no going back to the old friendship. The old friendship no longer exists.

[WhoreyBull]

You might think so, but I think it is up to the party that was cheated on to decide if that is the case.

[LaylaSings]

Ok . But why would you want to? There are plenty of people out there with whom we can cultivate very healthy friendships , then why would one choose to remain friends with an xAP and be in a potentially painful situation all the time?

 

Every situation would be different. In mine neither of us ever hurt the other intentionally and we never argued, never fought, we only realized that we were not each other's, that we crossed a boundary we never should have

 

He's the best friend I ever had, and has said the same of me. We both are so much alike and it just happened that we were both weak at the same time I guess. But we know the affair was a mistake. Our friendship never was though and our families are completely intertwined.. The thought of losing his friendship is way more painful for me to imagine than the actual pain I feel from ending the affair.

 

I guess in my case.. Why wouldn't I want his friendship? We were both completely blindsided by the connection we had and I think mistook that for a soulmate or we lied to ourselves that we wouldn't get so deep.. and I wish we hadn't messed it up by adding secrets, lies and sex to it, but I don't regret finding him.

 

It's been a little over a month now. Bad days still hurt like hell but there are less and less of them in a week.

[TaraMaiden]

Every situation would be different. In mine neither of us ever hurt the other intentionally

No but your actions were intentional. And your respective spouses were the ones you were hurting....

 

and we never argued, never fought, we only realized that we were not each other's, that we crossed a boundary we never should have

Best reason ever for severing all ties and abandoning any notion of 'friendship'....

 

He's the best friend I ever had, and has said the same of me.

I'm sure your spouses would be flattered to know that....

 

We both are so much alike and it just happened that we were both weak at the same time I guess. . But we know the affair was a mistake.

So is this friendship - !!

 

Our friendship never was though and our families are completely intertwined..

Oh, BS. Only because you make it so.

This is just a sordid way of prolonging a connection which should never have happened at all...

 

The thought of losing his friendship is way more painful for me to imagine than the actual pain I feel from ending the affair.

And how does your H feel about this? Does he support your decision....?

 

I guess in my case.. Why wouldn't I want his friendship?

Because it's just as wrong as the affair was, that's why!!

 

We were both completely blindsided by the connection we had and I think mistook that for a soulmate or we lied to ourselves that we wouldn't get so deep.. and I wish we hadn't messed it up by adding secrets, lies and sex to it, but I don't regret finding him.

So, you obviously think far more of him than you do of your husband - why not do the right thing, and divorce?

Then, none of this would be an issue, would it?

It's been a little over a month now. Bad days still hurt like hell but there are less and less of them in a week.

Well how nice for you.... I'm so glad your continued affair is making it so much easier to continue cheating on your H....

[Sub]

You may be right, but I don't know anyone who's gone from "in love" to "just friends" in less than a month. (Just based on your previous posts.) And if such a dramatic shift in feelings can occur so quickly, all the more reason to doubt it will stay this way.

[SweetClover]

I agree, it's still an EA! Once that line has been crossed there's no going back to the old friendship. The old friendship no longer exists.

 

Well that's totally not true at all.

I am friends with every one of my ex's and also have had sexual and emotional relationships with friends, that were mutually ended and we have been friends for years without crossing lines again. In one case the guy had a girlfriend, we slept together secretly a couple times, realized it was wrong, ended it.. They were together only briefly after that but not to do with that. It's been like 7 years and we are still friends and have never not once crossed that line again. Single or not.

 

It's totally possible. Pain doesn't last forever in lots of situations like that, might hurt for a while but it could fade then disappear, especially if the friendship was more important to the people in the first place. Just my opinion.

[ladydesigner]

I do not think friendship should even be considered after an A. Makes no sense as to why to keep a connection like that going.

[LaylaSings]

You may be right, but I don't know anyone who's gone from "in love" to "just friends" in less than a month. (Just based on your previous posts.) And if such a dramatic shift in feelings can occur so quickly, all the more reason to doubt it will stay this way.

 

I'm not denying I love him, that doesn't change day to day. But I am well aware that was no reason to have an affair with him. It never should have went beyond the friendship. Even on bad days where I'm crying and feeling terrible I still know that. He's having a hard time too I can tell, we haven't spoken privately and neither of us has reached out and we only see each other in a group.

[TaraMaiden]

Of the two of you, who do you think is having 'the hardest time'....?

[LaylaSings]

People who are trying to hammer in the reasoning that it's not our choice but our betrayed spouses. I am sorry to disappoint you but that's not true here. They know nothing of the affair and hopefully never will, if we put it in the past. I'm sure that's a hard pill to swallow but in our case there was no DDay and we both agree, we need to stop.

I can't say yet I'll stay married, I hope we make it, but I know I'll never cheat again. If I can't make my marriage work, I'll leave.. But the affair didn't help me like I thought at the time it was.

 

If you don't know my story fine, but don't be so quick to judge. The last five years for me have been a living hell and I made it worse while trying not to drown in it, I was grabbing hold for any kind of hope and happiness and it was a huge mistake.

I'm not asking for the kind of advice you have to offer if your advice is to confess my sins. Feel free to share it because I'll read it but I probably won't respond. Not because I can't take it but because I just don't feel that advice applies to me.

[LaylaSings]

Of the two of you, who do you think is having 'the hardest time'....?

 

I couldn't say. He was very visibly having a hard time and people noticed a major change in his behaviour.. But I have learned to keep my pain hidden so who knows who was really having the hardest time. Nobody noticed much about my behaviour only that I seem tired.

But I am writing and reading here which has helped a lot with my feelings and I don't think he has an outlet like that.

[LaylaSings]

I do not think friendship should even be considered after an A. Makes no sense as to why to keep a connection like that going.

 

Sometimes any kind of connection is really hard to make for some people. I'm someone who finds it very very hard. I do not attach to many people at all, really only a handful of real connections my whole life.. To me it makes no sense NOT to keep it close once it's there.

[ladydesigner]

People who are trying to hammer in the reasoning that it's not our choice but our betrayed spouses. I am sorry to disappoint you but that's not true here. They know nothing of the affair and hopefully never will, if we put it in the past. I'm sure that's a hard pill to swallow but in our case there was no DDay and we both agree, we need to stop.

I can't say yet I'll stay married, I hope we make it, but I know I'll never cheat again. If I can't make my marriage work, I'll leave.. But the affair didn't help me like I thought at the time it was.

 

If you don't know my story fine, but don't be so quick to judge. The last five years for me have been a living hell and I made it worse while trying not to drown in it, I was grabbing hold for any kind of hope and happiness and it was a huge mistake.

I'm not asking for the kind of advice you have to offer if your advice is to confess my sins. Feel free to share it because I'll read it but I probably won't respond. Not because I can't take it but because I just don't feel that advice applies to me.

 

(((LaylaSings))) The bold is why most of us get caught up in A's. I do not think it is right to continue a friendship knowing of the A and the deception of the prospective BS's. I see continuing a friendship post A as selfish for the one who wants it to continue the most.

[ladydesigner]

Sometimes any kind of connection is really hard to make for some people. I'm someone who finds it very very hard. I do not attach to many people at all, really only a handful of real connections my whole life.. To me it makes no sense NOT to keep it close once it's there.

 

I do not think it is a healthy connection though, do you?

[txgrl]

No ones judging you or asking you to confess . You asked about continuing as friends post A and if you're having a hard time letting go if your emotion , there is a very high probability of this friendship becoming an A again . We all had our first A thinking we'll never ever have an A but we did . Unless we are very careful with our boundaries , chances are we will fall into that trap again.

 

If it's still hurting you so much , unfortunately NC is the only way to heal and move forward . You are not the first person who will lose a friend because of an A . It's just another excuse to not end the A . I mean it in a very compassionate way .

[LaylaSings]

I do not think it is a healthy connection though, do you?

 

It wasn't. But it was in the beginning and can be again. I'm not nurturing a private relationship with him, and I never will again, but as a family, as a group we will all remain friends.

If we hadn't had the affair us hanging out alone would have been completely acceptable I believe, the way our family is together.. But we do realize we crossed a line we shouldn't have and that now we need to be very aware of boundaries

 

I think people assume I mean me and him will still hang out alone or text or talk about feelings and that's not the kind of friendship I mean at all. That's gone, and I'll miss it but it was necessary.

[LaylaSings]

No ones judging you or asking you to confess . You asked about continuing as friends post A and if you're having a hard time letting go if your emotion , there is a very high probability of this friendship becoming an A again . We all had our first A thinking we'll never ever have an A but we did . Unless we are very careful with our boundaries , chances are we will fall into that trap again.

 

If it's still hurting you so much , unfortunately NC is the only way to heal and move forward . You are not the first person who will lose a friend because of an A . It's just another excuse to not end the A . I mean it in a very compassionate way .

 

In my situation we own a business as a group. We work together daily, our lives and families are very intertwined. Nobody but the two of us know about the affair and we both felt equally guilty and wanted to end it. No contact isn't even a little bit possible without confession.

But we have had no private contact in over a month and for us, that's huge. And it's only getting easier.

[nais]

You need the connect to let go- perhaps this will lead you two back into the situation, but this is about healing yourself and your Conscience. You do not feel this is right, but you still want the friendship. This will require more self control on your part than had you two gone cold turkey. The issue with cold turkey is that you will want to know what he is doing, you will make up happy thoughts where this way you will know and perhaps remain a part of it at a safe distance.

 

 

Do what you feel is necessary, everyone cant cut it on and off - those who can may or may not have had feelings to begin with. Just know it may lead you both back down the same path-

[violet1]

Well that's totally not true at all.

I am friends with every one of my ex's and also have had sexual and emotional relationships with friends, that were mutually ended and we have been friends for years without crossing lines again. In one case the guy had a girlfriend, we slept together secretly a couple times, realized it was wrong, ended it.. They were together only briefly after that but not to do with that. It's been like 7 years and we are still friends and have never not once crossed that line again. Single or not.

 

It's totally possible. Pain doesn't last forever in lots of situations like that, might hurt for a while but it could fade then disappear, especially if the friendship was more important to the people in the first place. Just my opinion.

There's a big difference between being friends with an ex and being friends with an AFFAIR partner. Friends with ex should only be considered if your current SO is okay with it IMHO.

[wanting more]

Does maintaining the friendship have anything to do with needing to keep the families still tied to each other. If you're not friends then it would probably raise questions with everyone around you "why" things have changed.

 

When an A ends, good, bad or ugly I don't see how a friendship can continue. That would probably be easier if you were FWB and there were no emotions tied to the relationship. But from reading you earlier posts, there are emotions involved

[Sub]

I'm not nurturing a private relationship with him, and I never will again, but as a family, as a group we will all remain friends.

If we hadn't had the affair us hanging out alone would have been completely acceptable I believe, the way our family is together..

 

I think people assume I mean me and him will still hang out alone or text or talk about feelings and that's not the kind of friendship I mean at all. That's gone, and I'll miss it but it was necessary.

 

Ah, yes. Maybe I misunderstood. When you refer to him as the best friend you ever had, preceded by the feeling that you think you can still be friends, it paints a different picture to me than "no private relationship".