roxnbox Posted March 3, 2014 Posted March 3, 2014 We've been in a long distance relationship for about 8 months. In past 3 months, we've totally stopped talking about our future. When I do bring it up, he avoids the conversation, calls me pushy and "borderline smothering", or makes a snarky comment about marriage. I understand that the LDR is not an ideal situation for marriage but his avoidance is giving me the impression he no longer wants marriage. I do want marriage eventually and a family. I'm 32 and feel like I can not be strung along for several years waiting for him to be ready. I love this man but not sure on what to do from here. Do I drop the issue since I'm not prepared for marriage this year anyway, or do I give him an ultimatum. If he doesn't want marriage now, will he again? He said "with you not here it's hard to imagine a life together but we'll see how it goes. love finds a way."
CarrieT Posted March 3, 2014 Posted March 3, 2014 Don't even start discussing marriage until you are living in the same proximity of each other and - at least - have been together (not long distance) through all four seasons. 3
justwhoiam Posted March 3, 2014 Posted March 3, 2014 How often have you been meeting him during these 8 months? I think that when a man is in his mid 30s, he should know: 1) if he wants to get married and 2) if he thinks you're marriage material So, it's not a matter of hurring things up, rather of understanding if you are going in the same direction. If he's unsure, maybe he needs more time to understand if you're the right one. Or, if you are unwilling to move, if he's willing to give everything up to be with you. If he keeps being unsure, then it's better to let him go. 1
Author roxnbox Posted March 3, 2014 Author Posted March 3, 2014 We live only 3 hours apart but because of work schedule, we see each other 1-2 times a month for a day or two. I am willing to move and have been actively seeking work in my hometown, where he is.
WhoreyBull Posted March 3, 2014 Posted March 3, 2014 The first thing I want to address is that if you aren't ready to get married this year why would you give him ah ultimatum? The second thing is, is he not wanting to get married to YOU, or is he also not READY to get married to you? It sounds like you guys jumped in too quickly with the marriage talk. It is understandable to talk about the future, but marriage seems a little heavy at this point. Especially considering you aren't dreadfully far apart. It's easy to get caught up in the excitment and thrill of a new relationship. I think you need tomhave a discussion with him about your future, without the marriage part. Ask where he honestly sees you in the next year. The next five? Discuss about possibilities of moving closer, for each of you. Marriages and engagments can fall apart but a solid plan that won't let either of you high and dry might ease any of his (or your) fears. That's just my opinion though. 2
Author roxnbox Posted March 3, 2014 Author Posted March 3, 2014 He's the one who proposed and even about 6 months ago he wanted to elope in a rush but I said there wasn't a need to rush things. I suppose you're right though. I am happy and pushing things further is not required since I admit that I'm not ready either. I appreciate all your input. It puts things into perspective. 1
CherryT Posted March 3, 2014 Posted March 3, 2014 Don't even start discussing marriage until you are living in the same proximity of each other and - at least - have been together (not long distance) through all four seasons. Not always possible. Although my fiancé and I did not live that far apart (same timezone and about 3 hours away), living together was not an option because we were both in different countries. Even though we share a border, the immigration process is just the same as if I was living on the other side of the world. OP, I wouldn't resort to an ultimatum. Those usually don't work. If you are serious about the future, I would give a timeline (to yourself) that is acceptable to you. I find it odd that he was very hot about the subject, wanting to rush and elope and now has completely gone cold. I'm not sure how often you bring up the topic, but maybe give a bit of a break. If you bring it up constantly when you're apart, maybe try bringing it up when you're together. So you can see his reaction. All the best.
ExpatInItaly Posted March 3, 2014 Posted March 3, 2014 How often are you bringing up the topic of marriage? What is the nature of the discussion? He could just be reacting out annoyance, feeling pressured, and so on. He could also be rethinking things. How is the relationship otherwise, honestly? What are your goals for the future, and what are his?
Author roxnbox Posted March 5, 2014 Author Posted March 5, 2014 I don't bring it up often anymore since I noticed his change in mood several months ago. The relationship underwent some challenges because he lost his job last year. We struggled financially and it caused some stress. Now, he has gotten back on his feet and we're both moving on from it, or so I thought. I didn't mention marriage during his unemployment...for obvious reasons but since things are looking up again, I brought it up in January. Too soon??? As far as goals, I want to switch jobs and relocate within this year. I can make a lot more money in just about any other place except where I am. He supports my career but hesitates about relocating because he wants to be near his daughter (understandably so). I feel I'm at a crossroads. I can move this year to a better job, and want to know if he'll be around or at least try to make it through together. I suppose that's part of why I'm pressuring him...
ExpatInItaly Posted March 5, 2014 Posted March 5, 2014 I don't bring it up often anymore since I noticed his change in mood several months ago. The relationship underwent some challenges because he lost his job last year. We struggled financially and it caused some stress. Now, he has gotten back on his feet and we're both moving on from it, or so I thought. I didn't mention marriage during his unemployment...for obvious reasons but since things are looking up again, I brought it up in January. Too soon??? As far as goals, I want to switch jobs and relocate within this year. I can make a lot more money in just about any other place except where I am. He supports my career but hesitates about relocating because he wants to be near his daughter (understandably so). I feel I'm at a crossroads. I can move this year to a better job, and want to know if he'll be around or at least try to make it through together. I suppose that's part of why I'm pressuring him... This is a poor tactic. Do you really want to marry a man who needs convincing? Wouldn't you rather he marry you because he actually wants to, and not because you're pressuring him? Also, you say you've been in a LDR for 8 months. Is that the total time of the relationship, or were you together before distance separated you? If you've only been together 8 months, then I have to agree it's awfully soon to be talking about marriage...particularly if it's always been at a distance. I wouldn't be comfortable with that either. If you want to relocate for work, go ahead and do so. You don't need to get married for reassurance that he'll try to work through it with you, do you?
Author roxnbox Posted March 5, 2014 Author Posted March 5, 2014 Total relationship time is 2 years. We lived together for about 9 months before the LDR. And just to clarify, my career is first. This may be seen as selfish but I have a lot I want to accomplish...
justwhoiam Posted March 5, 2014 Posted March 5, 2014 my career is first. I predict a 10% chance that your relationship will survive the next 5 years.
Author roxnbox Posted March 5, 2014 Author Posted March 5, 2014 I'll have no regrets if I'm successful. No one makes it ahead by putting themselves last in their priorities.
ExpatInItaly Posted March 5, 2014 Posted March 5, 2014 Hmm. If he senses your job comes first, that won't expedite a wedding. Balance is key. Take this from the former partner of a man who always put work first. It's pretty crappy to feel as though you're in forever in the back seat of your loved one's career. Don't make yourself last, of course, but be careful how you weigh your priorities. If I may ask, if you weren't considering moving away, would you still be anxious to get married soon?
Leigh 87 Posted March 15, 2014 Posted March 15, 2014 All men know if they have met "the one" by two years. Sorry to say this, but it doesn't take two years for a guy to figure out if he's crazy about you.
Copelandsanity Posted March 15, 2014 Posted March 15, 2014 I predict a 10% chance that your relationship will survive the next 5 years. Marriage is a lot of hard work. Please don't marry to: 1) Check it off your list. 2) Make sure he's still around.
Grumpybutfun Posted March 15, 2014 Posted March 15, 2014 Have you considered maybe when you turned him down, he got butthurt and now is passively aggressively trying to hurt you? G 1
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