RedRobin Posted March 3, 2014 Posted March 3, 2014 But what does that mean? You can still break up with him if you don't like him. I get that it means being exclusive but beyond that being in a relationship for the first year or so is almost meaningless. This is why labels mean so little. It's one thing that you are likely to be the decent person with integrity who would give the guy a fair go. You still don't know him though. And he doesn't know you. Most people break up around the 6 months mark even if they are in a 'relationship'. That's because most people aren't compatible, regardless what they call it. There is no way getting around the uncertainty of getting to know each other. The odds are it won't work out. Most relationships don't. Might as well be honest and say 'don't know'. You are right about the uncertainty... however, a lot of that can be eliminated early on by observing how self-aware they are... and how consistent they are before entering into a relationship with them. For me, that takes place before we have sex... For others, who knows? The only relationships that have broken down in less than a year for me are with men who lied about their goals, priorities, habits, and so forth... I could call some of them lacking in self-awareness... but that would be too generous. I've gotten better at weeding those out too.. Any extra step that makes them pause and consider their next step (for example, joint STD tests) is where you learn these things. 1
Author Chico333 Posted March 3, 2014 Author Posted March 3, 2014 But what does that mean? You can still break up with him if you don't like him. I get that it means being exclusive but beyond that being in a relationship for the first year or so is almost meaningless. This is why labels mean so little. It's one thing that you are likely to be the decent person with integrity who would give the guy a fair go. You still don't know him though. And he doesn't know you. Most people break up around the 6 months mark even if they are in a 'relationship'. That's because most people aren't compatible, regardless what they call it. There is no way getting around the uncertainty of getting to know each other. The odds are it won't work out. Most relationships don't. Might as well be honest and say 'don't know'. I see where you are coming from, which was why I was thinking of not pushing the idea of a relationship in the first place and yeah, I mean technically he has not done anything wrong because he has been doing what I told him I wanted while I said I was ok with him not knowing exactly what he wanted out of this except that he enjoys spending time together. Maybe he has only been in 6 month relationships because by that point him and the others girls realized it wasn't meant to be? Which could end up being the case with us. But at the same time, if he is just fully noncommittal no matter what then that is a problem, but I don't know that he is. I guess why put a label on it if you don't even know where it's going to go anyway and if I'm happy about the way things are going right now then why mess it up? I am not opposed to dating other people, but at the same time if most of my attention is going towards spending time with him during my spare time then that doesn't really leave room for that possibility. But I'm ok with that because I like him and I like spending time with him and if he is reciprocating that to me, then maybe we can decide later if a committed relationship should be established or not. But if he ends up starting to go back to the way he was acting before I told him how I felt then I'll know it's not meant to be because I'm not a priority for him. I don't even know if what I am saying makes any sense. I can't have my cake and eat it too. It's like, I would like to commit to only him in terms of how we are acting with each other, but without a label, which is not fair for me to ask of him to do with me... I mean he kind of asked me what more I wanted and I told him and he is doing it. If I end up wanting more from him then I'll bring it up later because in that case I will be wanting a relationship and a commitment and if he isn't ready then he isn't ready and I'll move on. Like I said, I really don't know if what I'm saying makes any sense. Maybe I just don't know what I want and am over analyzing it all because I don't want to get hurt.
GorillaTheater Posted March 3, 2014 Posted March 3, 2014 I noticed his communication was not at the same level as what I wanted and the same went in terms of spending time together. I gave it a little more time and nothing was changing so I stopped contact and declined any date invites from him. Okay, wait a minute. His communication skills were lacking, so the way you communicated that to him was to go dark on him? Not to pick nits or anything, but I can't say I'm overwhelmed with your communication skills, either. 2
AnaisRose Posted March 3, 2014 Posted March 3, 2014 "He felt really bad and apologized for the way he made me feel and for his behavior and that there were some personal things he's been dealing with. He said he doesn't really know what he wants. When he said that, I said that was fine and that I had no hard feelings towards him if he didn't feel the same for me/ want to put forth the effort. I made it clear that if he wants to continue whatever it is we have going on that he needs to step it up. He told me he enjoys spending time together and really likes me. He said I deserve more respect than what he was giving me and that he was going to stop being a "douche" (in my own words). He asked me what I wanted him to change, and I told him "well I basically just told you." So... I accepted the apology and we went about things back to "normal" and he has done what he said and stepped up and blah blah blah. We are in our late 20's. Supposedly his longest relationship has only been 6 months. and anytime he's referred to a previous relationship he puts it in terms of "I used to date this girl/ this girl I dated." Umm this sounds too much like someone I dated who was "non committal". lol "I'm going to bring up the subject of where he thinks he sees this going. Not sure I am ready for a committed relationship as of yet, but I see potential in this turning into one and do like him. I just want to know if I'm wasting my time dating him if he still doesn't know what he may want out of this." So basically both of you are unsure of what you want. You might be more "in love" with the idea of him than who he really is. You can continue seeing him casually and date someone else who might be better long term material or break it off entirely. It doesn't sound like this is moving anywhere right now. He's more likely to shift if you leave him completely or just make less time for him. "He invited me out of town for an event with some of his friends next weekend. I said I most likely wouldn't be able to make it and he's made it clear that he really wants me to go...am I making excuses for him to make myself think maybe it's possible he may want something later?" I wouldn't go either. If he wants all your time, he needs to invest more. Even though he really wants you to go, you don't have to go out of town with him, since he isn't committed.
Author Chico333 Posted March 3, 2014 Author Posted March 3, 2014 Okay, wait a minute. His communication skills were lacking, so the way you communicated that to him was to go dark on him? Not to pick nits or anything, but I can't say I'm overwhelmed with your communication skills, either. Yeah...well when I went no contact at that point my plan wasn't exactly to get anything out of it. I was just going to leave it at that because I assumed he really didn't care or want to put more effort. I wasn't really expecting him to notice or even ask me what was going on...I wasn't happy with it, so my intention was to just drop it. I wasn't trying to make a game out of it, if that's what you think it's sounding like. So when he did ask me and told me that he would like to try and fix it, I was open to it.
Author Chico333 Posted March 3, 2014 Author Posted March 3, 2014 So basically both of you are unsure of what you want. You might be more "in love" with the idea of him than who he really is. You can continue seeing him casually and date someone else who might be better long term material or break it off entirely. It doesn't sound like this is moving anywhere right now. He's more likely to shift if you leave him completely or just make less time for him. Well since the communication level on his part has increased as well as his wanting to spend time with me, I kind of feel like it is moving towards a positive direction. I'm just questioning his intentions is all. 1
GorillaTheater Posted March 3, 2014 Posted March 3, 2014 I guess that the way I'd expect someone with good communication skills to deal with it would be to say "Look, your communication skills suck (and citing some examples). I'm not okay with that. You and I need to work on this (giving concrete examples of what you expect). If you're not on board with this, let me know, but if things don't improve and soon I'm hitting the road." My problem with the scenario was that I didn't see you communicating very effectively either, not that I thought you were playing games. 1
Author Chico333 Posted March 3, 2014 Author Posted March 3, 2014 I guess that the way I'd expect someone with good communication skills to deal with it would be to say "Look, your communication skills suck (and citing some examples). I'm not okay with that. You and I need to work on this (giving concrete examples of what you expect). If you're not on board with this, let me know, but if things don't improve and soon I'm hitting the road." My problem with the scenario was that I didn't see you communicating very effectively either, not that I thought you were playing games. Ya. I did not communicate how I was feeling, guess it was my defense mechanism to just walk away from it. I need to do better at communicating myself and not be such a baby. 1
Emilia Posted March 4, 2014 Posted March 4, 2014 Ya. I did not communicate how I was feeling, guess it was my defense mechanism to just walk away from it. I need to do better at communicating myself and not be such a baby. I had to walk away from someone recently and in a similar way that you did, ie what GT called 'going dark' on him, but I still feel that I had tried everything I could. It's a good way to feel about a situation, no second guessing, despite his attempts to reignite things.
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