Perspective

[Zenstudent]

I always ask this question....well if you enjoyed the sex, but wanted more, why not have a conversation with your partner first? I had to refuse a girl with a 4 year relationship who was coming on to me all the time when I have classes with her. I see her almost every single day because we are in the same program so it's hard for me to keep doing it.

 

So there is not really a way to protect yourself from getting cheated on? Even if you please your partner 100 % at bed, are a wonderful person, and give them everything, there is still a chance for you to get cheated on??

Yes, there is.

[veritas lux mea]

I always ask this question....well if you enjoyed the sex, but wanted more, why not have a conversation with your partner first? I had to refuse a girl with a 4 year relationship who was coming on to me all the time when I have classes with her. I see her almost every single day because we are in the same program so it's hard for me to keep doing it.

 

So there is not really a way to protect yourself from getting cheated on? Even if you please your partner 100 % at bed, are a wonderful person, and give them everything, there is still a chance for you to get cheated on??

 

People are human and you can't choose fidelity for them. Just because you choose it for a time doesn't mean a person will for always. A lot of cheaters before their situation can't even imagine cheating.

 

I do think that there are things you can do to reduce the likelyhood of cheating though. As cheating is more likely to happen in an unhealthy enviroment.

 

Boundaries help. I think men and women can be friends but if your SO is texting a member of the opposite sex non stop... Where there is smoke there is usually fire. Or will be. Not always of course but it is a good start. A lot of affairs start from poor boundaries with friends. Mine did.

 

Communication helps. Not dismissing your SO's feelings because you don't feel the same way. Expressing your own desires. Being 100% honest with each other at all times.

 

Not neglecting your spouse. In any way. I don't mean over indulging but like children you can't just expect making lots of money or buying gifts can replace spending time together. Or hugging and kissing can replace sex.

 

Being in tune enough to know when something is off. And if you do know not dismissing it but pressing your spouse for an answer.

 

And so much more.

 

But these things shouldn't be done out of fear but love. Because they build a better relationship and that should be everyone's goal.

 

In the end people get lied to and cheated on despite all that. But not everyone. There are cases of situational cheating that may have been avoided with stronger boundaries, more communication, or even just sex.

[Oberfeldwebel]

85 percent of sex is mental and 15 percent physical. Humans are the only species on this planet that can sexually satisfy themselves with nothing more than their own imagination. Naturally, we all want the active participation of another, because that connection is important, whether real or fantasy. However, if in your mind the other person is a Brad Pitt or Angelina Jolie, then they it is better in that moment. Fantasy never lasts and can have bad long term consequences that we always regret.

 

Dichotomy correctly identifies the other side of the fantasy, in that we will do things that we would never do with a spouse. We release all inhibitions in the affair, explore things that we wouldn’t do with our spouse. Also there is the James Bond affect, it is clandestine and the intrigue of getting away with something. The bottom line is it is all fantasy and never lasts, even when the relationship with the affair partner continues. That relationship morphs into a new reality and in many situations is very similar to the relationship they were attempting to escape from in the first place.

[peruano99]

People are human and you can't choose fidelity for them. Just because you choose it for a time doesn't mean a person will for always. A lot of cheaters before their situation can't even imagine cheating.

 

I do think that there are things you can do to reduce the likelyhood of cheating though. As cheating is more likely to happen in an unhealthy enviroment.

 

Boundaries help. I think men and women can be friends but if your SO is texting a member of the opposite sex non stop... Where there is smoke there is usually fire. Or will be. Not always of course but it is a good start. A lot of affairs start from poor boundaries with friends. Mine did.

 

Communication helps. Not dismissing your SO's feelings because you don't feel the same way. Expressing your own desires. Being 100% honest with each other at all times.

 

Not neglecting your spouse. In any way. I don't mean over indulging but like children you can't just expect making lots of money or buying gifts can replace spending time together. Or hugging and kissing can replace sex.

 

Being in tune enough to know when something is off. And if you do know not dismissing it but pressing your spouse for an answer.

 

And so much more.

 

But these things shouldn't be done out of fear but love. Because they build a better relationship and that should be everyone's goal.

 

In the end people get lied to and cheated on despite all that. But not everyone. There are cases of situational cheating that may have been avoided with stronger boundaries, more communication, or even just sex.

 

 

Thanks for your input, I'll try to do those things, but if a woman cheats on me, it's over... I will forgive her, but there wil be no trying to reconcile, and I will just move on. I know it may be wrong to think that way, but that's just how I am.

[HomanWater]

It's certainly not wrong to default on not reconciling nor it is to default on reconciling. For some people it is physically impossible to reconcile, regardless of the effort put in. In that case cutting your losses quickly is more resourceful thing to do.

[ejh]

Thanks everyone that has responded. I was hoping that more wayward wives might chime in. I know that my wife did two things that she would not do before and now we do often. Most days I can overlook this. Some days I struggle with it from mourning to night.

[jnel921]

I assume your a man talking about wives who cheat?

 

Because they can "change up their role" they can be someone different, let the male AP view them or treat them in a way - they don't see a wife and mom acting or being treated.

 

It is hard for some women to let themselves go sexually, be wild, tied up, have rough sex.... perhaps slutty and submissive - when they have to get up the next day and be PTA Soccer Mom. There is freedom for women in affairs.. society forces sexuality to be suppressed in wives and moms, as well as balancing the power structure...how can a woman be submissive and dominated in the bedroom and then argue with that same man the next morning about who is getting the kids to the soccer game and dentist?

 

 

This goes both ways. My H isn't exactly study do right. So knowing he was with someone else doing heaven knows what does make me feel some type of way that he was not this way with me.

[Realist3]

I assume your a man talking about wives who cheat?

 

Because they can "change up their role" they can be someone different, let the male AP view them or treat them in a way - they don't see a wife and mom acting or being treated.

 

It is hard for some women to let themselves go sexually, be wild, tied up, have rough sex.... perhaps slutty and submissive - when they have to get up the next day and be PTA Soccer Mom. There is freedom for women in affairs.. society forces sexuality to be suppressed in wives and moms, as well as balancing the power structure...how can a woman be submissive and dominated in the bedroom and then argue with that same man the next morning about who is getting the kids to the soccer game and dentist?

 

 

Yes, this. And each AP gets the opportunity to start anew as in reinvent themselves sexually. There are no judgments. They can more easily live out their fantasies they they feel they can't with their spouses for a multitude of reasons.

[Anne Boleyn]

Well, I'd say the sex was better in the A, but not because of the excitement, the mystery, the secrecy... If anything, that made it worse. I think it was just better because I had a better connection with my AP than my husband. My marriage... It wasn't a good one. My relationship with my AP... That was good. Better than good. It was perfect. So our sex life and how good it was or how much better it was had nothing to do with the physical act, but the fact that we were just that much in sync.

 

After that, the idea of sex with my husband... No. I wasn't into it.

[peruano99]

I assume you divorced your husband?

[Anne Boleyn]

Me? Yes, we divorced. It was the most painless, fast divorce in history. Filed on a Thursday I think, had the mail by Monday that said we were divorced that previous Friday.

[compulsivedancer]

The idea of sleeping with someone else was about experimentation. (We were considering an open relationship). So of course I wanted to try some different things. OM was into a few things H was not into, so I wanted to try them with someone who enjoyed them.

 

The sex was not better, but it was very exciting. There was such a buildup over time. We got each other ready through texts before we ever saw each other in person, so we were ready to go when we met up. Etc.

 

It had all the new-relationship excitement and hormones plus all the obsession that comes with dwelling endlessly on a subject you can't talk about.

 

In retrospect, a lot of my interest in sexual exploration (pre-A) was because I wasn't satisfied with H in that department. Ironically, he treasured me and it kept him from allowing himself to let go through sex. This always made me feel unwanted and unsatisfied.

 

Losing some of my "specialness" in some ways made it easier for us to experience a full spectrum in that department.

[peruano99]

This is why communicating with your partner about everything, even sex is crucial for a relationship to be stable and it could prevent some affairs from happening in the first place.

[Anne Boleyn]

This is why communicating with your partner about everything, even sex is crucial for a relationship to be stable and it could prevent some affairs from happening in the first place.

 

As somebody who's got the been there, done that award, I think that this is pop psychology people float to try and explain a complicated situation. In my situation, if we had better communication, it wouldn't have changed if I had an affair or not. With my AP, his BW knew he was miserable... She knew why even. She just didn't care. The communication about his wants and needs was there, but because she didn't like them, she ignored them.

 

The "communicate to affair-proof your relationship" stuff sells books, but it's all baloney. There is no such thing as an affair-proof marriage.

[Oberfeldwebel]

As somebody who's got the been there, done that award, I think that this is pop psychology people float to try and explain a complicated situation. In my situation, if we had better communication, it wouldn't have changed if I had an affair or not. With my AP, his BW knew he was miserable... She knew why even. She just didn't care. The communication about his wants and needs was there, but because she didn't like them, she ignored them.

 

The "communicate to affair-proof your relationship" stuff sells books, but it's all baloney. There is no such thing as an affair-proof marriage.

 

I disagree, if you had just been honest about the relationship, you would have just separated and divorced. There would be no need for the cheating and lying. Good communication is always a good thing. Also just because an affair partner tells you she knows and doesn't care, does not make it true. There are a plethora of BW on here to confirm that, while their WH said she knows and doesn't care. Either way it doesn't make right.

[peruano99]

As somebody who's got the been there, done that award, I think that this is pop psychology people float to try and explain a complicated situation. In my situation, if we had better communication, it wouldn't have changed if I had an affair or not. With my AP, his BW knew he was miserable... She knew why even. She just didn't care. The communication about his wants and needs was there, but because she didn't like them, she ignored them.

 

The "communicate to affair-proof your relationship" stuff sells books, but it's all baloney. There is no such thing as an affair-proof marriage.

 

Help me understand something sorry, were you the OW?

[Anne Boleyn]

I disagree, if you had just been honest about the relationship, you would have just separated and divorced. There would be no need for the cheating and lying. Good communication is always a good thing. Also just because an affair partner tells you she knows and doesn't care, does not make it true. There are a plethora of BW on here to confirm that, while their WH said she knows and doesn't care. Either way it doesn't make right.

 

Good communication is a good thing, but there's no such thing as an affair proof marriage. Great communication doesn't mean you're now safeguarded against affairs.

 

In my first marriage, honestly, our communication was fine, great even. And if I'd never met my AP, honestly, we'd probably still be married. Neither one of us was happy... In fact, I'd say we were both miserable, but neither one of us were compelled enough to have a reason to leave. Staying miserable was easier than leaving. And it's not like I was out looking for an affair. But when I met AP and realized that I'd missed the boat and this was the person I should have been with, things changed. Priorities changed, what I was willing to deal with changed. And my husband at the time knew this, I told him I was growing more and more unhappy, but at that point, all the communication in the world wasn't enough to fix what we knew was both wrong.

 

And as for my AP's BW, her knowing he was miserable and not caring... That's not information I got from him. It's information I got from her. She knew he was unhappy, he had left previously, before I ever came along. But she said that because she didn't want him to go, he had to stay. She said openly that she didn't care if he was happy or not, as long as he stayed, and she put no effort into the marriage at all. After she found out about our affair, she told him that she didn't care where he was during the day, who he was with, if that person made him happy or if he wanted to go, as long as he came home and slept in her bed at night, that's what she wanted. In that situation, if he hadn't pushed so hard to leave, the dynamic would have continued probably until now that he didn't want to be with her, was miserable with her, had a relationship with me, and she allowed it and tolerated it as long as he came home.

 

Years down the road, he could tell her he wants this arraignment now and she'd take him up on it in a heartbeat.

 

Again, the idea that good communication prevents affairs is what people want to believe so that they can believe it could never happen to them. But it's rubbish. Great communication is essential to a marriage, but it's not going to prevent an affair. The only thing that prevents affairs is a loyalty to one's partner and not having the belief that the other person you met is the person you should be with, be it for an evening or a lifetime. And there's no way to compel your partner to those feelings, you just have to trust they have them.

 

In my first marriage, never, ever, ever, ever, EVER did I think I'd be the type of person to cheat. Never, ever. The idea disgusted me. Never in my wildest dreams did I ever think, even with as unhappy we both were, that I'd have an affair. Never.

 

Until about 30 seconds before I did.

[Anne Boleyn]

Help me understand something sorry, were you the OW?

 

I was married to my first husband, had an affair with AP, I left and divorced my husband, he left and divorced his wife, we married each other.

[Snipercatt]

Again, the idea that good communication prevents affairs is what people want to believe so that they can believe it could never happen to them. But it's rubbish. Great communication is essential to a marriage, but it's not going to prevent an affair. The only thing that prevents affairs is a loyalty to one's partner . . .

 

Absolutely the truth. A person who is loyal will implement personal boundaries to keep the marriage affair proof.

[peruano99]

Good communication is a good thing, but there's no such thing as an affair proof marriage. Great communication doesn't mean you're now safeguarded against affairs.

 

In my first marriage, honestly, our communication was fine, great even. And if I'd never met my AP, honestly, we'd probably still be married. Neither one of us was happy... In fact, I'd say we were both miserable, but neither one of us were compelled enough to have a reason to leave. Staying miserable was easier than leaving. And it's not like I was out looking for an affair. But when I met AP and realized that I'd missed the boat and this was the person I should have been with, things changed. Priorities changed, what I was willing to deal with changed. And my husband at the time knew this, I told him I was growing more and more unhappy, but at that point, all the communication in the world wasn't enough to fix what we knew was both wrong.

 

And as for my AP's BW, her knowing he was miserable and not caring... That's not information I got from him. It's information I got from her. She knew he was unhappy, he had left previously, before I ever came along. But she said that because she didn't want him to go, he had to stay. She said openly that she didn't care if he was happy or not, as long as he stayed, and she put no effort into the marriage at all. After she found out about our affair, she told him that she didn't care where he was during the day, who he was with, if that person made him happy or if he wanted to go, as long as he came home and slept in her bed at night, that's what she wanted. In that situation, if he hadn't pushed so hard to leave, the dynamic would have continued probably until now that he didn't want to be with her, was miserable with her, had a relationship with me, and she allowed it and tolerated it as long as he came home.

 

Years down the road, he could tell her he wants this arraignment now and she'd take him up on it in a heartbeat.

 

Again, the idea that good communication prevents affairs is what people want to believe so that they can believe it could never happen to them. But it's rubbish. Great communication is essential to a marriage, but it's not going to prevent an affair. The only thing that prevents affairs is a loyalty to one's partner and not having the belief that the other person you met is the person you should be with, be it for an evening or a lifetime. And there's no way to compel your partner to those feelings, you just have to trust they have them.

 

In my first marriage, never, ever, ever, ever, EVER did I think I'd be the type of person to cheat. Never, ever. The idea disgusted me. Never in my wildest dreams did I ever think, even with as unhappy we both were, that I'd have an affair. Never.

 

Until about 30 seconds before I did.

 

 

Yep...no matter if two people are happy as ever, there is no sure way proof of having an affair. The best thing to do in my opinion, is if someone has an affair, either work something out, or just move on. No need to fight.

[The Samurai]

What a "great" world we live in!!!

 

Seems there's no value for love, no value for marriage, no value for boundaries, no value for vows, no value for commitment... the worse, no value for being a good mother and father!!!

 

How sad to know that all of those above can be ignored completely, just for a few moments of excitement?! How sad to know that no matter how much love both have for each others, can't prevent affair.. why? Because all the love in the whole world "CAN NOT" compete with the "excitement"?!?!

Kids?!?! F**k kids.. Who cares?! They are not as important as the excitement!!

hmmm, vows!!.. Just pointless words.. mean nothing when it comes to excitement!!!

 

Is this the world we are living in now?!

There's no such thing as "affair proof marriage".. yes, I agree..

Because it's never been about the marriage. It's about the person. Always been about the person. "Person" choose to cheat or not.

Yes, there's no such thing as "affair proof marriage"..

But there's an "affair proof person".

 

We are human. We make mistakes. I agree. But does this mean I can't stop myself from cheating?! I don't think so.

The fact is, I can "for sure" be an "affair proof person" if I want to.

People may say: you'll never know!!

Well, I DO know. I will never cheat no matter what!!

 

Why am I sure?! Because it's my "CHOICE".

Cheating is the cheater's choice. I CAN choose to cheat or not. If it's not, and affair "just happens".. then why cheating is bad?!?!

If it's something I don't have a choice about it, then I won't been doing any thing wrong. I will just be "forced" to do it. Is it?!

 

What a great world we're living in now!!!!

If love, vows, commitments, kids, your self-respect... all can't stop you from cheating.. then what is the point of having relationship?! What's the value of getting married?! What's the value of all those vows and commitments?!

And LOVE, what's the meaning of this "LOVE".. the love that can't prevent you from hurting the person you love?!?!

 

What a "great" world we are living in now!!!

When "infidelity" become normal thing we hear every day.. and fidelity is a weird thing that as close as a wonderful dream than a reality. When we get surprised to see a happy couple getting old together with an "affair free" relationship their whole life.

Is this really the world we are living in right now?!?!

 

It's MY CHOICE. I CHOOSE not to cheat no matter what.

I love you all, and wish you all the best.

[Oberfeldwebel]

In my first marriage, never, ever, ever, ever, EVER did I think I'd be the type of person to cheat. Never, ever. The idea disgusted me. Never in my wildest dreams did I ever think, even with as unhappy we both were, that I'd have an affair. Never. Until about 30 seconds before I did.

 

So you are saying you were totally helpless to stop the affair? The devil made you do it? Now you and AP have lived happily ever after?

[compulsivedancer]

Samurai, I want to "like" your post, because you draw a really important distinction between an affair-proof marriage and an affair-proof person. I totally agree, and I think you put it very well!

 

However, I think the world we are living in now has not really changed. Through much of history, affairs have been common, and in many cultures are or have been practiced openly. I think it's silly to emphasize the NOW in the world in which we live. I do not in any way condone affairs, btw, I just don't think the world has really changed all that much in this instance.

[peruano99]

Samurai, I want to "like" your post, because you draw a really important distinction between an affair-proof marriage and an affair-proof person. I totally agree, and I think you put it very well!

 

However, I think the world we are living in now has not really changed. Through much of history, affairs have been common, and in many cultures are or have been practiced openly. I think it's silly to emphasize the NOW in the world in which we live. I do not in any way condone affairs, btw, I just don't think the world has really changed all that much in this instance.

 

 

I don't condone affairs as well, but it just happens. You just have to learn to deal with it: either by trying to reconcile, or getting separated and moving on with your lives.

[The Samurai]

However, I think the world we are living in now has not really changed. Through much of history, affairs have been common, and in many cultures are or have been practiced openly. I think it's silly to emphasize the NOW in the world in which we live. I do not in any way condone affairs, btw, I just don't think the world has really changed all that much in this instance.

May be in your culture or country, yes..

 

But in my country, 20 years ago affairs never been common at all. It was a huge deal. It was a big shocking news to find out that some one did "dare" to commit such thing.

 

Do you know that affair in my country was considered a crime and the cheater would be punished hard by law unless the betrayed spouse publicly forgive him/her?!

Of course it needed a very clear solid evidence, or at least 4 eye-witnesses to prove the affair.

 

Marriage and vows are holy things.. or they were holy. Now things changed. I guess internet and satellites are the greatest reasons for that. I think those cr@p movies with all their false romantic fantasies did affect our relations in a very bad ways.

We see it all the times in such movies, some one cheats.. then blames his spouse (or partner) for some or all of those *****ty reasons (attention, sex,... etc.)

At the end, the cheater is the victim, and the betrayed is the monster!!

Wow.. nice movies indeed!!

 

compulsivedancer I do respect your opinion. But I think the world did hugely change. There are many parts of our current social life in general need to be fixed.

 

Not saying we should be angels.. Of course not. We're human. We do and will always make mistakes.. But we have to learn from our mistakes, and try to become better.

Edited March 8, 2014 by The Samurai