ejh Posted March 3, 2014 Posted March 3, 2014 Is affair sex better and why do they or you allow them to do things that you won't allow us.
Hope Shimmers Posted March 3, 2014 Posted March 3, 2014 Is affair sex better and why do they or you allow them to do things that you won't allow us. I don't think affair sex is better, just different. It depends on the reason. Can you define your pronouns? In bold: why do they or you allow them to do things that you won't allow us I am not sure who you are referring to with the pronouns.
peruano99 Posted March 3, 2014 Posted March 3, 2014 For some people it is, for others it's not and they just do it because they are caught up in the excitement of having an affair.
milwinlol Posted March 3, 2014 Posted March 3, 2014 Some people that have a relationship lacking in affection and attention tend to have an affair simply because this outside person is willing to give them something that they're not getting from their current partner. The best thing to do is to not get wound up in it all and simply speak to your partner about how you are feeling. Maybe they don't see it from your point of view and are oblivious of the fact you're unhappy within the relationship. People of the opposite sex often struggle to understand what the other needs and mostly gives out what they need themselves which might not be what you actually want and need. Speak to your partner to avoid any break-ups, cheating and unhappiness. Think about it in the long run, is it better to fix your current relationship, or ruin it and have to start all over again with someone brand new?
dichotomy Posted March 3, 2014 Posted March 3, 2014 Is affair sex better and why do they or you allow them to do things that you won't allow us. I assume your a man talking about wives who cheat? Because they can "change up their role" they can be someone different, let the male AP view them or treat them in a way - they don't see a wife and mom acting or being treated. It is hard for some women to let themselves go sexually, be wild, tied up, have rough sex.... perhaps slutty and submissive - when they have to get up the next day and be PTA Soccer Mom. There is freedom for women in affairs.. society forces sexuality to be suppressed in wives and moms, as well as balancing the power structure...how can a woman be submissive and dominated in the bedroom and then argue with that same man the next morning about who is getting the kids to the soccer game and dentist? 5
miguelcervantes Posted March 3, 2014 Posted March 3, 2014 I don't think affair sex is better, just different. It depends on the reason. Can you define your pronouns? In bold: why do they or you allow them to do things that you won't allow us I am not sure who you are referring to with the pronouns. I am guessing that you are asking why the wayward (wife or husband) allows the affair partner to do things or does things with them that the wayward would not do or allow to be done by the BS (betrayed spouse) AND I am guessing that the OP is a BS and his (guessing he is a man) WW did things with the OM that she did not do with him.
road Posted March 3, 2014 Posted March 3, 2014 The sex can be better worse the same. Though the excitement factor of being bad adds to the enjoyment level. Then as said some WW's can not let their hair down and show their in wild woman with their BH. Then there is what the OW/OM brings to the table. Appearance, personality, chemistry, skills.
gettingstronger Posted March 3, 2014 Posted March 3, 2014 Per my WS: Not better, just easier- no talk about the kids, chores or bills at all because she knew thats what he wanted, sex, it was a sure shot-every time it was mostly about him- she did most of the "work" because it was while he was on business, she could shower right before every time- 2
txgrl Posted March 3, 2014 Posted March 3, 2014 (edited) A sex might 'seem' better in many cases because of the other elements of the A , the secrecy, the newness, not having to deal with bills,kids etc, you are always in your best behavior in the A and always shaved in the right places for the AP . AP are usually willing to pull out all the stops because subconsciously they know they are competing against the spouse. I did it one time and regret it to this day . I put in effort now into looking and dressing up nice for H and if you're focused on spouse / partner and M, it's not all that different . Edited March 3, 2014 by txgrl 3
Author ejh Posted March 3, 2014 Author Posted March 3, 2014 Thanks for the responses. Yes I am speaking of the WW and how they seem to let it all go with the other man.
cozycottagelg Posted March 3, 2014 Posted March 3, 2014 I don't have any first hand experience with affairs. However. If I put myself in the shoes of an AP... I would guess most of it starts out as a one time thing. I'm going to cheat just one time (I like to think that most don't plan out long affairs, and if they are long term, it wasn't the intention...idk)..anyway! If I know I'm going to have sex with someone just one time, I'd probably be more open to doing things outside of my comfort zone..based purely on the fact that it may never happen again.
Buckeye2 Posted March 3, 2014 Posted March 3, 2014 (edited) Sigmund Freud first identified the Madonna–wh0re complex. This psychological complex develops in men who see women as either a saintly Madonna or a debased prostitute. Freud wrote: "Where such men love they have no desire and where they desire they cannot love." A variation of this is a woman who wants her life partner to see her as respectable. By having an affair she is already a bad girl by definition. That’s the way the OM sees her and that is the way she sees herself in the affair environment. She is free to be wild and it feels right in that environment. She can’t let the bad girl out with the man who accompanies her and her kids to church or school functions. The following thread by Mattzeo is a classic example of this. Just read the posts by the OP (mattzeo). http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/dating/cheating-flirting-jealousy/349853-my-wife-had-long-term-affair Edited March 3, 2014 by Buckeye2
BetrayedH Posted March 3, 2014 Posted March 3, 2014 Yep. If you're going to risk your marriage and family, it's not going to be for vanilla. 2
HomanWater Posted March 3, 2014 Posted March 3, 2014 Sigmund Freud first identified the Madonna–wh0re complex. This psychological complex develops in men who see women as either a saintly Madonna or a debased prostitute. Freud wrote: "Where such men love they have no desire and where they desire they cannot love." A variation of this is a woman who wants her life partner to see her as respectable. By having an affair she is already a bad girl by definition. That’s the way the OM sees her and that is the way she sees herself in the affair environment. She is free to be wild and it feels right in that environment. She can’t let the bad girl out with the man who accompanies her and her kids to church or school functions. The following thread by Mattzeo is a classic example of this. Just read the posts by the OP (mattzeo). http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/dating/cheating-flirting-jealousy/349853-my-wife-had-long-term-affair Does it have to be this way in marriage? Because it sounds terrible as hell...
Buckeye2 Posted March 3, 2014 Posted March 3, 2014 Does it have to be this way in marriage? Because it sounds terrible as hell... Not at all. Most men don't have the Madonna-wh0re complex and most woman don't have the variant. 1
Buckeye2 Posted March 3, 2014 Posted March 3, 2014 ejh, I saw that you posted this previously: "I found out two years ago about wife's indiscretions. They happened in 92/93." How in the world did you find out after such a long time?
sidney2718 Posted March 3, 2014 Posted March 3, 2014 Sigmund Freud first identified the Madonna–wh0re complex. This psychological complex develops in men who see women as either a saintly Madonna or a debased prostitute. Freud wrote: "Where such men love they have no desire and where they desire they cannot love." A variation of this is a woman who wants her life partner to see her as respectable. By having an affair she is already a bad girl by definition. That’s the way the OM sees her and that is the way she sees herself in the affair environment. She is free to be wild and it feels right in that environment. She can’t let the bad girl out with the man who accompanies her and her kids to church or school functions. The following thread by Mattzeo is a classic example of this. Just read the posts by the OP (mattzeo). http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/dating/cheating-flirting-jealousy/349853-my-wife-had-long-term-affair I agree, but it is sad. Much of the time the woman could be the bad girl in bed with her husband if he and she were able to discuss it and keep it in the bedroom. Then they should have no trouble going to church or school functions. But that doesn't seem to happen very often. The husband is afraid to initiate because he'll be asked "where did that come from all of a sudden" and the situation is worse if the wife initiates. I know of a couple where the sex consisted of the missionary position with the wife just lying there. That went on for years until the sex stopped completely. The woman was a "madonna" and the husband an upstanding member of the community. All because of lack of communication.
peruano99 Posted March 3, 2014 Posted March 3, 2014 Okay so since most of the replied said women are more open to their affair partner because of their lack of sexual freedom in the bedroom, how can a man PREVENT their wife or girlfriend from doing those things with other men? I'm really trying to understand this, there has to be a way to prevent a WS from doing things with the OM, she wouldn't do with her husband.
BetrayedH Posted March 3, 2014 Posted March 3, 2014 By having an affair she is already a bad girl by definition. That’s the way the OM sees her and that is the way she sees herself in the affair environment. She is free to be wild and it feels right in that environment. She can’t let the bad girl out with the man who accompanies her and her kids to church or school functions. Lots of truth in this. I believe my wife had that "bad girl" side to her but repressed it when she married me. She wanted to be that slutty, uninhibited woman but didn't want to show it to her 'good' husband, especially because a marriage can have such a power-struggle dynamic. Everything is negotiation. Admitting to her bad side or being submissive would have affected the power dynamic, or at least, that's what she perceived. With another man, there's no such dynamic. By its very nature, it's expected to be temporary. There's no friends or family for whom you must put on a show. It's just you and your AP mutually using one another and with such high risks, it's no-holds-barred. Peru, I think some of the key to prevention is somehow communicating that it's ok for our wives to be naughty, dirty, and submissive in the bedroom and that it won't affect the rest of life. Sadly, I just don't think that married couples are really prepared for this kind of development. Resentment and repressed urges build very slowly and it's insidious. I know this now but really had no clue prior to my seeing it first-hand and I'm not sure anyone could have educated me (or my wife) either. It's sad that it's such a pattern that repeats with such frequency. 3
ladydesigner Posted March 3, 2014 Posted March 3, 2014 Is affair sex better and why do they or you allow them to do things that you won't allow us. I think with everyone it is different. For me the build up in the A that led up to the sex was better than the actual sex. The sex was a disappointment. I was in my A for the EA part more than the PA part though. 3
not-so-sure Posted March 3, 2014 Posted March 3, 2014 I think with everyone it is different. For me the build up in the A that led up to the sex was better than the actual sex. The sex was a disappointment. I was in my A for the EA part more than the PA part though. This. I reflect on the slippery slope I took and the anticipation of it was like nothing I had ever felt in my entire life. This is not what a BS wants to hear but the anticipation, the weeks leading up to that moment were incredibly charged. The sex was - ok - but I honestly don't think so much about that anymore. Of the few partners I have ever had I would honestly put her second to last. 1
Author ejh Posted March 4, 2014 Author Posted March 4, 2014 I was told some of it then. Just enough to get by. 20 years later the guilt was to much. I guess you could call it a long trickle truth. Thank you all for the responses. 1
peruano99 Posted March 4, 2014 Posted March 4, 2014 Okay so can a man give his wife or girlfriend enough passionate sex for her to not cheat on him?
veritas lux mea Posted March 4, 2014 Posted March 4, 2014 I can't say for myself because I didn't try anything new. I did enjoy the sex but was not satisfied by it afterwards. I went to such trouble to get to it that I refused to acknoweldge any disappointments. Think of it like when someone is being stubborn and everyone tells them they won't likesomething but they do it anyway. They are so determined they make themselves like it. Near the end this was especially true for me. I mean I liked it but a part of me was disappointed with the whole thing a lot... But I was too stubborn to see that. As far as the being a different person I don't think one answer fits all. The reasons people have mentioned. I think some women become so besotted they will do anything the AP asks just to keep him. I personaly don't know anyone who directly did somethinf with their AP they had straight out refused to try with their spouse. I know it must happen. Everything happens under the sun. But for me it is all conjecture.
peruano99 Posted March 4, 2014 Posted March 4, 2014 I always ask this question....well if you enjoyed the sex, but wanted more, why not have a conversation with your partner first? I had to refuse a girl with a 4 year relationship who was coming on to me all the time when I have classes with her. I see her almost every single day because we are in the same program so it's hard for me to keep doing it. So there is not really a way to protect yourself from getting cheated on? Even if you please your partner 100 % at bed, are a wonderful person, and give them everything, there is still a chance for you to get cheated on??
Recommended Posts