Baubles Posted January 24, 2005 Posted January 24, 2005 I've been dating a guy for 9 weeks now....we met on-line- he and I were not dating others - he even took down his ad at my request. I'm not concerned he's seeing others- as we usually see each other fri and sat and once a week. Here's the problem. Guy is great to me- treats me very well- kind, gentle, like so many things about him- probably the "healthiest" relationship I've been in. We simply don't fight or argue. Seeing him is genuinely a pleasure. Problem is I've felt a deeper emotional connection is lacking...I guess I don't feel it and haven't felt it from him and wondered why that is- that maybe we haven't gotten to know each other enough (i.e. gotten into routines of making dinner and watching rentals)...this weekend I decided to find out. I asked him if he was happy with me and dating and he said absolutely. The next day I had a talk over the phone- that I thought I wanted us to be closer or be bonding more. He tells me he realized that week before that he doesn't want a serious relationship (this is from a guy who insisted before that's what he wanted)- and he's going through "changes" in his life and needs to think about that (he's an enginnering manager- and I kow he's been under a lot of stress - work wise and finances, still cannot figure out the financial angle- he should be in better shape than he is). That he's been lethargic all month, not going to the gym, stuff on his mind. what?!?! so i press- as I was surprised- I simply was trying to communicate and say hey I want to be closer how do we do that. I was surprised by the response. I wanted to break up- he didn't- he wanted to keep dating exlcusively and wanted to go away for valentine's. I asked if he wanted to date others- he said no- it was stuff going on w/ him. He's call me the next day- but all was cool. well, 4:30 comes and no call...I was upset so went over to his house to pick up things (stupid I know, but I just wanted to move on)- he was happy to see me and said he'd been napping all day. He didn't want me to leave and asked if we could talk. We talked for an hour and a half. I couldn't get it out of him what the issue here is- these "changes" - I even asked if he was gay, depressed, what. He said no- and that he was happy (pretty weird for a guy who has completely gotten super tired this past month). I even asked if he had a drug problem. I asked if he just wasn't 100% into me...and was trying to let me down easy- and did he want a serious relationship w/ someone- just not me...I say I didn't expect anything serious until at least 6 months - I had only brought up the topic before b/c I wasnted us to move closer. He says well, things can change by then- he has to sort things out and he's 90% really into me now (when pressed) but he doesn't know what's holding him back- he doesn't think it's me. Something mysterious w/ him he cannot explain. ANyway, the guy goes on about how much he likes me and wants to keep dating me...and be exclusive. So...I agree...he wants to see me in a few days- and we've been spending every weekend together...he's a joy to be around and honestly I cannot think of anything he's done that's hurt me other than this weird cryptic mess...which I brought on by bringing up relationship talk. Then to top it off- he says how great it is we talked, that it's helping us communicate more and how glad he was I came over?!?! Am I not seeing something here or am I doing the right thing of seeing him and enjoying his company and not getting too attached (after all it's only been 2 months). Could he have a drug problem - I've never known someone to have one. He did talk of how he had done pot. I have no idea if he still is. He's telling me how happy he is - but then he's freakishly lethargic - he was still napping and in his PJs at 4:30- this is from a guy who used to go to the gym 5 days a week then stopped last month. Or is this all me- and for whatever reason he just cannot just come out and say he's not interested. Or has he? Any advice appreciated! Thanks!
curiousnycgirl Posted January 24, 2005 Posted January 24, 2005 First and foremost - you need to understand men are not communicators. When they are facing a problem, they generally retreat until they work it out. This could be what's going on - you really don't have enough data to determine a root cause. If nothing bad has happened and you trust him when he tells you he doesn't want things to end then you need to decide, for yourself, if it is worth giving this guy the time to work out whatever is going on in his head. When I say that I don't mean take a step back, keep doing what you've been doing, etc and give it a bit more time to grow deeper. Only you can decide if that's how you want to play it - I will tell you that my b/f is very much a guy's guy - and he recently went through G-d only knows what. I tried to get him to open up and discuss - but he just wouldn't. I am glad to be able to report we are over that period, and things are better than ever. I'm certain this will not be the only time we go through this type of episode, but I know he is worth it - and I can learn to deal with it. Good luck to you.
Author Baubles Posted January 24, 2005 Author Posted January 24, 2005 Thanks for the advice. Nice to know there's hope- I will do that. honestly, he's a pleasure to spend time w/ and he insists he enjoys seeing me. I think I made the mistake here of trying to make him bring share these personal issues w/ me or talk about things too soon. I hadn't really thought of it like that before. But, on the surface everything is going well. I'll keep seeing him as is, and see how it goes. Thanks!
curiousnycgirl Posted January 24, 2005 Posted January 24, 2005 My pleasure - I sincerley hope it works out for you!
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