TheNewMe2014 Posted March 3, 2014 Posted March 3, 2014 ...so deal with it I'm not sure what my question is even. I've been 'seeing' (is that the right word for it) this woman for several weeks now. Went on our vacation with the group, met...been on two dates alone and one double date. A couple of weeks ago she asked me to plan her birthday dinner with friends. From all the details I can give you - it's a positive potential. We are willing to work out challenging schedules, she's typically a woman of a strong mind and would think she'd tell me if she wasn't interested. We had our first kiss a week ago, as well. I sent her flowers this week for her birthday, she called me to thank me. But she's frustrating in some ways. I really feel about her in ways I'm not sure I've ever felt for anyone else (not entirely sure, but pretty close). And she's driving me nuts. She's busy - but never get the feeling that she's in any rush to see me, she typically won't initiate a text/call with me (though she did call to thank me for the flowers). We do text - like the other night and in the middle of the texting she stops, but is texting the friend up with, as well as calls her. I've had a couple of friends who are close with both of us say that she is really tough to read and hard to know what she's thinking. they think she has some interest. I feel like, at times, I'm humoring her more than anything. One of my friends thinks she is scared. I never understood scared of relationships (let alone of me). As for me, I know I'm definitely more 'crazy' about her than vice-versa and I am taking things slow...so it drives me crazy. I'm living a full life..getting out, hanging with friends, working, doing my hobbies - but any down time I'm pretty much thinking about her. It's so frustrating because usually after a month, as much time as we have spent together..you have a read on someone. I just don't with her. Or part of me thinks she is such a unique, special woman that I can't actually fathom her interest or my luck and just assume things aren't going to work out or she's interested. It's not that I just want a relationship - I want her. There are other women who I know are interested and one I briefly had interest in..until I met this one. What does Tom Petty say? The waiting is the hardest part. So I'm rambling...and not sure of my question. But the pain hurts..the waiting is driving me nuts. I'm being patient - but I sometimes feel it's in vein. If she's interested - why so tepid? I mean...I get it, to a degree. But I'm not professing love. Simply a desire to keep getting to know her. That's absolutely it. My brain tells me she is interested - I just need to be patient and let things happen. My heart tells me I'm desiring something that isn't going to happen. I think my brain is right, but I tend to live by my heart when it comes to relationships. Just call me confused....it's Sunday, had a busy weekend. She unexpectedly is in town - passively told her I was around could meet if she was interested (didn't want to put pressure on her). Long weekend, didn't expect her to say yes..but still...makes the night longer now. lol Maybe it's the out of sight, out of mind I'm worried about - but I've gotten great advice that isn't how a mature woman works and I believe that. Oh well...
brok3npromise Posted March 3, 2014 Posted March 3, 2014 Maybe she likes you chasing her? Maybe she likes the guy making the first move and that's why she never initiates communication? 1
Author TheNewMe2014 Posted March 3, 2014 Author Posted March 3, 2014 (edited) Maybe - I do initiate contact..I do chase her. That hasn't been in doubt from the beginning. The one thing I know...or pretty sure of, she's not a game player. It's not who she is. She's strong and independent and we've had enough discussions about other people's relationships to know she doesn't play games. I know she wasn't looking for a relationship or has even dated much in the last couple of years..so there's that. Talking to a friend - she was concerned about my kids (but she and I have actually talked about that a bit) and our friend said I'd always make time for her (which is true). Her career is important and our challenging schedules is almost a good thing from her. The truth is...I'm probably..heck, I know I'm over analyzing...and if I was giving advice based on what I know..I'd be saying it's all good. But why is it so hard to accept when it's you? intuition? She has not given ONE indication she is not interested - other than my fabricated communication issues. Ok, told you I'm a bit nuts..but good to talk it out here. Going two weeks between seeing her just makes it that much tougher and I don't call or text her all the time...once a day. So oh well... Edited March 3, 2014 by TheNewMe2014
J21 Posted March 3, 2014 Posted March 3, 2014 Don't force it man, I think things are going well (the kiss, and her being strong minded to tell u if she weren't interested are pretty good reasons). Personally, I've had plenty of times when I was always initiating, (texting, phone callls, whatever). It eventually blossomed into very fulfilling and love filled relationship. Being busy with work has something probably has something to do with her not always initiating, but keep showing interest and just be patient. Let the relationship bloom naturally. 1
Author TheNewMe2014 Posted March 3, 2014 Author Posted March 3, 2014 Thanks J. One of the reasons I post here is so that I don't do something stupid and bug her or be overbearing. I know..patience isn't my strong suit..I'm trying. Pretty proud that I have given her space. I know nothing will come of being a PIA. She is worthy the wait and frustration. Just tough. I will take as long as she needs.
Author TheNewMe2014 Posted March 3, 2014 Author Posted March 3, 2014 and it doesn't get easier in the morning...lol
ChatroomHero Posted March 3, 2014 Posted March 3, 2014 I think it's one thing when you are trying to get a woman to go out with you and get the "scared" or "busy" or "on the fence" type feeling from her, but it's another thing if you have been out a few times and kissed and still have that feeling. I have heard friends meet women that weren't sold on them right away and it was challenging to get a date but then worked out, I have never heard of friends that went on a few dates, were still in the unsure zone, and it worked out. Here's the thing I generally come to; if it is right, it goes relatively easy and gets easier. Things progress, they don't stay in an unsure holding pattern very long. Of the women I was after that did not show interest in me, I felt the same way as you did. What I noticed is friends would say things like she is tough to read, didn't say much about me either way, might be afraid of a relationship, she is weird about relationships...but many times these same women, when I backed off, would be in a relationship a few weeks later. If she thought you were really good potential, she would want to spend a lot of time with you and would go out of her way to call or text if she couldn't meet up. If I were you I wouldn't invest a lot of time in her and move on. If she comes after you great, but I think by now you know if you stopped contacting and initiating, you wouldn't hear much at all from her and that should say a lot. 2
Lansing Posted March 3, 2014 Posted March 3, 2014 Really good advice ChatRoomHero.. To OP, if this uncertainty you are feeling isn't normal for you in other relationships then I think at some point it is a sign that things aren't going smoothly. I was in a situation recently where I liked this girl and I wanted to see where things went. I felt like I was putting in the effort and she was enjoying my company but I started questioning if she was really "into it" that much. At one point I brought it up to her (she was hard to read/etc) and I basically got the "you are such a great/nice guy" speech... but, I also got the "I haven't dated in a long time" speech. So, there is a possibility that this girl doesn't know how to be in a relationship or wants to let you take the lead/etc. However, at some point you need to decide if you want to be like that in the entire relationship you have with her. I am glad I had the little conversation with her because it gave me clarity on the situation. I wanted a clear indication from her that she was interested or not and I got more of a wishy/washy response. To top it off, after one communication from her after things pretty much faded away so that is proof to me of her lack of interest. If things are not moving in a positive direction then at some point I think you should raise the topic and say something to the effect she is hard to read and see what she has to say for herself. However, first, I would try to increase the intimacy and see how she reacts to it. 1
Author TheNewMe2014 Posted March 3, 2014 Author Posted March 3, 2014 Lansing and chatroom - good points. But then I'm more confused. If I take her at her word (and she hasn't said she is scared, etc.) - which was last week that she wants to 'continue to get to know me' (which were my original words to her during that conversation) - then where am I? My feeling is I'm impatient. She works almost every night and I have the kids. We haven't turned down an opportunity on a weekend yet. That's the thing - your points are exactly what I'm digesting. I've been on dates with other women and, looking back, the doubts and the effort didn't match what I was getting in return and didn't feel natural..felt forced. with her, when we are together - it feels very natural and we are very much happy in each other's company. And things just seem smooth in that respect. Or maybe I'll look back (if this doesn't work out) and think about how not easy it was. I don't know. The thing is - other than my neurosis - there has been no indication of lack of interest and much showing interest. Or am I ignoring the negative signs? Other than her 'not texting' a lot...which I read EVERYTHING into...she hasn't given me any other negative signs. I typically text her after work and see how her day was. The one day I didn't do that last week - I did get a text from her asking if I was going over to our friends house..and she was considering it (I couldn't make it). So I don't know. I don't want to believe your points..but they have some validity.
brok3npromise Posted March 3, 2014 Posted March 3, 2014 I still say this girl likes the guy making the first move when it comes to communication. I know that I do. It shows that the guy is interested. Plus, I never like to look too eager or over bearing in the beginning. Sometimes I feel like I'm bothering a guy if I text him too much.
J21 Posted March 3, 2014 Posted March 3, 2014 Really great insight from chatroomhero and lansing. The relationship is still in the beginning stages and I think you are over thinking a bit (happens to all of us--esp if u really like that person). Some girls like being pursued, rather than giving their heart out easily. Her being a strong minded woman, i am inclined to lean towards the former. Continue to show interest without being over bearing and see how she responds. of course if after few more weeks u still feel this way, it might be a indicator things may not work out. But I think from the information you've given us, things are progressing so far.
Author TheNewMe2014 Posted March 3, 2014 Author Posted March 3, 2014 having said all that...she texts me out of the blue :-) I over think things, I guess. 1
J21 Posted March 3, 2014 Posted March 3, 2014 having said all that...she texts me out of the blue :-) I over think things, I guess. Glad to hear man!
readynow Posted March 3, 2014 Posted March 3, 2014 Perhaps I missed something, but have you told her expressly that you would like to be in a relationship with her? What are you waiting for her to say or do? From personal experience and even from peoples experiences and advise on this board, if someone (mostly the man) hasn't told you what exactly he wants from you or the relationship, then fall carefully. So, maybe she's waiting for you to speak your mind loud and clear so there's no confusion. She seems to like you so, let her know what you want. It's that or she's doing 'The Rules' and following it to the letter. All the best! 1
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