tigers19 Posted January 24, 2005 Posted January 24, 2005 This is my 1st time posting here so bear with me if I sound a little incoherent. I am a 39 year old MM with 2 small children that I love very much. My relationshipship with my wife is not good. We fight about most things and have not been intimate for a significant length of time. Thoughout my life I have never been unfaithful to any prior girlfriends or my wife. I have known a girl at work for about 3 years and never had any interest in her until about 4 months ago. I am an IT professional and she is an accountant on another floor. The problem is I support her group. She would call with an issue and once that was resolved we would start talking about other things, sometimes very personal things. She started to ask personal questions and the flirting started, mostly by her but not all. I tried very hard to avoid her but it was next to impossible. Then I wrote her a short note and told I had some feelings about her but was confused. Her reaction was almost nil and I apologized almost immediatedly. I wanted her to say, "you're a really nice guy but I'm married and I love my husband" but she didn't. I would have been ok with that and gone on my merry way. She acted as if nothing happened. I have told her that I would help with work issues because it is my job. I never played favourites. I thought maybe she was using me but why continuously ask me what I thought of her. Now I have cut off the relationship emotionally because I refuse to invest anymore of myself in her. I know time will heal this but right now it is very ackward. There was never any physical contact but alot of intimacy nonetheless. This is the first time this has happened to me since marriage and I think I feel just as sick about an emotional relationship as a physical one.
katie79 Posted January 24, 2005 Posted January 24, 2005 i have a friend who had a similar problem about 2 years ago. funny you should mention this topic, b/c my friend brought this past situaion up a few nights ago! LOL!!!! it was much like yours...''an emotional affair". it was flirting, words, etc, but nothing physical. he was a mm and she a mw. he sounded much like you...he was really "into" her. he was always going by her desk, chatting with her, complimenting her looks and clothes, telling her what lucky man her hubby was, how he wanted to be with her if he weren't married, etc. like your girl, she was not responisive to his comments. however, after a while, she became somewhat receptive clearly out of boredom (so she says). as soon as she showed some interest, he sent dozens of emails (some of them she saved and showed me, and they got pretty sexual and emotional)he even sent her his poetry. he even asked her out be but she refused. she did lead him on a bit. then he told her he realized what he was doing and avoided her entirely. she said she never asked him why he suddenly pulled the plug and that she didn't care. i guess it's just one of those little imaginary office affairs, you realized it was bad and did your best to avoid her. like you, the guy who liked my friend, confessed his feelings for her too. but let me just tell you this, don't avoid her entirely...you work with her and since nothing happened (but in your head), it looks a little silly for you to act that way. you might be percieved as blowing it out of porportion. maybe she didn't think chatting with you about personal issues and fliriting wasn't a big deal, and here you are avoiding her (in the workplace, and it isn't good to put on your emotions towards other in the workplace). your marriage is more important. trust me, you will forget her. focus on your relationship with your wife. i'm sure she's a wonderful and attractive woman. don't "go out of your way" just to avoid this woman in the office. it shows you "thought too much" about something as sublte as "office flirting". it wasn't physical, and that's what counts. talk to this woman at work the way you always did before you liked her. if there's a business matter to be resolved, discuss it with her, you people will suspect something happend when nothing did and she'll think your overeacting. Case and point: It was office flirting and a fantasy. Nothing happened. If you are not happy with your wife, divorce her and go be with this other woman if that's what you want. Feeling attraction towards someone else when you are committed/unavaliable is normal as long as you don't let it get out of hand! Focus on your relationship with your wife. Forget this and move on!
BoatingBabe Posted January 24, 2005 Posted January 24, 2005 I am sort of in that situation now at work...What started out as innocent flirting is kinda changing form...I look forward to seeing him now and it makes work a bit more interesting. Before it just was fun at work and that's all...NOw I find myself thinking about him even when I'm off. Nothing physical at all...and no real emotional ties exist...just starting to head in that direction. He sent me something that suggests he is thinking of me also....I didn't respond to it at all...ignored it. I guess now is the time to distance myself before it turns into something deeper...It's just hard being we work on the same floor and bump into eachother daily...The only saving grace is that we work different shifts and I'll only need to avoid him for my first few hours.
StillHurtin Posted January 24, 2005 Posted January 24, 2005 Stop now and think of your W and your M. Do you really want this emotional A to go on much further? Do you really want to hurt you W like that? If you have feelings for this OW and want something more PLZ D your W first! And if you do D her make sure that is what you want. Don't file for a D, have an A w/ the OW and then decided that you want your W back b/c the OW isn't making you happy either. My H and I didn't have a very good marriage either (but sex wasn't much of an issue, we had sex at least once a week, if not more). He said he wasn't happy, I wasn't happy, and so he filed for a D. A week after he filed I found out he was having an A w/ his co-worker. He worked w/ her for 3 years and didn't have any feelings for her until a few months b4 he filed for a D. He kept having doubts about the D, saying he thought he moved too fast. A few months later he called me saying what a mistake he had made and wanted me and our children back. I was so hurt! It was one thing he had the A b/c the D was final but to come crawling back realizing she wasn't the one for him hurt like he!!. I still loved him and wanted to marriage to work so we are working on it, 2 years later. Plz really think about what you will do to your W if you continue this emotional A. If you don't want to be M anymore then D her, then you can start a new life over w/ the OW.
whichwayisup Posted January 24, 2005 Posted January 24, 2005 Do you love your wife? Do you think if marriage councilling will help? Does your wife feel the same way as you do about the problems in the marriage? Forget this woman you were flirting with. Let it go and move on. She isn't interested and that is for the best. Could have made a HUGE mistake if she actually HAD tried to pursue something further with you. Go and talk to your wife...Tell her how unhappy you are, how (if you feel you want to stay married to her) you want to fix things, learn to communicate again and find out what it actually was that brought you both together in the first place. I'm sure life is busy, kids, daily routines day in and day out take toll in this situation...But don't give up on your wife and your children. Unless you've totally fallen out of love with her and see no reason to stay together. Good luck and keep posting!
Owl Posted January 24, 2005 Posted January 24, 2005 Again, WWIU's advice is on the money. You've reached a cusp, friend. You KNOW that your relationship with your wife isn't what it should be...and this EA you just had made in unavoidable to see that. So now you've got choices. Neither is easy, so roll up your sleeves and get ready to work. You can: 1. Decide to see if you can rekindle your marriage. You're about my age, but don't mention how long you've been married. BUT, I'm going to assume that you've been married a good length of time, since you dont' mention any ex-wives in the mix. Almost all marriages start suffering right around where you're at now...I know...my wife had an emotional affair about 8 months ago. In her case, it was reciprocated, and escalated very quickly. If he had been local, I'm sure it would have become physical very quickly. If you decide to work on your marriage, you should start by talking with your wife about the problems you see in your marriage. She may see the same thing...or see something completely different. YOU NEED TO COME CLEAN ABOUT THE EA YOU JUST HAD...TOTALLY, COMPLETELY CLEAN...AND COMPLETELY HONEST GOING FORWARD. And you need to get some counseling...you and your wife need to start identifying what emotional needs you both have...and which ones aren't being met by your spouse. Start getting a handle on that, and things should come together pretty quickly. It's obvious from the beginning that you and your wife don't communicate well...your first needs from the OW you mentioned were the talking. 2. You could simply decide that there isn't enough emotional investment left in your marriage to attempt to fix it. In that case...file for a divorce now. Don't drag it out, don't think it'll be better for your kids or your wife if you let it ride...cause it won't be. Regardless, I'm of the opinion that you should start either of these courses by talking with your wife...its her marriage too. Good luck!
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