Eggplant Posted March 4, 2014 Posted March 4, 2014 That's kind of a passive aggressive thing to do to your boyfriend that just communicated and was honest with you. God forbid a man wants to have some time to do whatever he wants to do, whether that's be with friends or nothing at all. Are you all really so codependent?This would actually NEVER happen in a relationship with me. An introvert myself, I usually take space and give lots of space, and I am really good at reading people and not overstepping any boundaries. With my last relationship, I actually was the one who wanted space, as the guy wanted to see me every day, and when I told him that line, he freaked the **** out. So I understand the need for space. But in my case this was all a new dynamic, new relationship. In this case, after 2.5 years, I bet you $100 that this is the beginning of the end.
Eggplant Posted March 4, 2014 Posted March 4, 2014 That's kind of a passive aggressive thing to do to your boyfriend that just communicated and was honest with you. God forbid a man wants to have some time to do whatever he wants to do, whether that's be with friends or nothing at all. Are you all really so codependent? At the moment, I don't consider myself in any state to engage in an honest relationship. I would be some kind of codependent. That's why I'm not even looking right now. I hope this guy's request for space was a genuine, healthy request for what he needs. I really think people don't change of a sudden. Stan Musical picked up on the same flat note here...
Allumere Posted March 4, 2014 Posted March 4, 2014 Your last sentence takes all the fun out of dating Sorry baybee, call it as I see it. And if they are just dating and in the same place all is cool....not seeing that as the case though...
babycakees Posted March 4, 2014 Posted March 4, 2014 I don't see this relationship progressing any further than how it is. This guy feels "comfortable" with how things are. Everything is on his terms too.
Eggplant Posted March 4, 2014 Posted March 4, 2014 I don't see this relationship progressing any further than how it is. This guy feels "comfortable" with how things are. Everything is on his terms too.Sigh. It's actually healthy, as Keenly pointed out, for both parties to have independent interests and time alone. But at the same time, the rational, logical, sane, non-obsessive phase of a relationship post-infatuation gets triggered in a person when he or she feels happy and satisfied with where it is for the long haul. I guess it's a little disappointing that he's completely comfortable and wants nothing more. But it is what it is. Life is like that.
Omei Posted March 4, 2014 Posted March 4, 2014 They have been dating two years and are not living together why is marriage and kids in play? Baby steps people! And I think that much time apart is normal.
Els Posted March 4, 2014 Posted March 4, 2014 They have been dating two years and are not living together why is marriage and kids in play? Baby steps people! I also don't understand why everyone is harping on the marriage and kids when the OP has repeatedly stated that her concern is with the time apart, not his marital timeline.
WP4046 Posted March 4, 2014 Posted March 4, 2014 marriage and kids? What about the DINK lifestyle? Double Income No Kids
LittleTiger Posted March 4, 2014 Posted March 4, 2014 My boyfriend of 2.5 years says he needs 2-3 nights (minimum) per week "off" from spending time together. He spends our 2-3 nights apart either alone or drinking with his guy friends. He claims he is very happy in the relationship but he just needs the balance and needs alone time because he is introverted. I am introverted too and appreciate my alone time (maybe 1-2 days per week) but I find that this 3 day per week relationship isn't meeting my needs. I know that if I'm not having my needs met I should (and will, and have) speak up, try to come up with a compromise, or if that fails then I will leave. But the reason I am writing is to find out if it is normal or if anyone else can relate to this - male or female from either perspective. In my mind it may mean I'm just not the right person for him but he says he has never felt so strongly about wanting to stay in a relationship with anyone before me. He assures me that he wouldn't want to spend any more time with anyone else. I'm not sure I can adjust or adapt to his needs but I am willing to try if I think that what he needs isn't an indication that we aren't the right people for one another. Maybe this is healthy but I am having a hard time accepting it because it isn't the "norm", at least in my circles. Other than that problem we have great times together, are very loving an affectionate, and have a lot in common. We are good friends. Also - even when spending time apart he does keep in touch and is always expressing his love. He always lets me know where he is and calls or texts me before he goes to sleep. We are both 32. Thanks! I've only skimmed the thread so I'm sorry if I'm repeating anything that's already been said but this seems fairly simple to me. You're 32, so presumably you have some idea what you want and need in a relationship. Are you hoping to settle down and live with this guy and maybe have a family together? If so, you may need to look elsewhere. Not because of the timeframe, that will happen when/if you're both ready, but because of his need for so much 'time out'. When you have children to consider you'll both be lucky to get 10 minutes of 'alone time', never mind 2 or 3 nights a week. If this is just a 'for now but not for keeps' relationship then enjoy it for what it is and, if he doesn't meet your current needs, find someone else. 4
Gottabestrong Posted March 5, 2014 Posted March 5, 2014 I know I am late to the party, but would like to chime in anyway. It sounds to me like you don't have the same relationship needs. Nobody is wrong, you simply want different amounts of together-time. It took me a while to understand/learn that, but people simply don't all want the same things and the length of a relationship does not indicate how much time you spend together. So here is my advice: since you already talked to your boyfriend about this many times, I don't think a further discussion is necessary. Mainly take time for yourself to decide whether the good outweighs the bad and if you can go on like this indefinitely. If not, it might be best to break up or at least take a break. 2.5 years is a long time, but you don't want to make it 3, 4 or 5 before you start from scratch. Good luck! I really hope it works out for you. 1
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