thegreatesthumphrey Posted March 3, 2014 Posted March 3, 2014 A belief that introverted people have to spend their time alone is a complete fallacy. Some do. Not all. You can be introverted, but comfortable to spend your "off" time with your friends. I really wish people would stop getting this definition wrong. Particularly because by all counts, people would call me a fearless extrovert, but I still crave alone time. I surprised one of my friends the other day by telling her I had a fear of rollercoasters. Her response? "I didn't think you were afraid of anything!" The simplistic notion of extrovert = life of the party and introvert = homebody is rubbish. Okay I think (same way with many things) that people perceive the definition of something according to how it applies to them. How I define an introvert is someone that releases energy to others in a social setting, then has to "recharge" when alone. Extroverted people feed off the energy of others. Now you can be the life of the party after you had your down time, and then you have to refresh with down time after something like that. So yes you are right. But the whole point is... he is not requesting space only because he is introverted, and staying on topic the point your making is stating that he is wanting to spend his saved up energy on drinking with buddies with additional down time instead of investing it in the relationship. The end point (on topic) is that he is not that invested in the relationship.
pickflicker Posted March 3, 2014 Posted March 3, 2014 After 2.5 years he's not sure if he wants marriage and kids? Red flag... 2
writergal Posted March 3, 2014 Posted March 3, 2014 Well if you want to marry this guy then I think you have your answer. He's told you he doesn't want to live together and he's not sure about marriage, which is code for "he doesn't want to marry you." Sorry OP, sounds like your guy's looking for an exit to this relationship based on your update post. 1
thegreatesthumphrey Posted March 3, 2014 Posted March 3, 2014 1. I like 1-2 nights / week alone and naturally I find myself wishing the rest could be a combination of time with him alone and time with him in groups / going out. I guess now that I think of it, he usually would like 3-4 nights per week "off" but probably due to some pressure from me it ends up being 2-3. 2. He is an introvert but also is social. He likes 1 or 2 nights of guy time but also needs one or two nights of alone time. 3. I have a large social circle and active social life, I have my own business, and I have many interests of my own. I think I just am realizing that after 2.5 years I would like all that + somebody to come home to more often than not. I guess, as some of you pointed out, I am beginning to realize that this relationship hasn't progressed in many ways the same way those around us have. We aren't growing apart because this isn't a new issue, and we have become closer in that we are better friends, more in love, and have more fun together than we ever have. I just am beginning to think that he is content at this phase with no intention of taking it further - or, that is, at least I am not sure how taking things further than happen when we aren't leaning towards possibly moving in together but still needing multiple nights off from each other. 4. I am willing to work with this IF I can understand and logically decide if it is normal and healthy for some people who are in long term relationships - I just personally don't know anyone which is why I am reaching out to strangers ; ) I know it isn't the norm but I do think healthy relationships are customizable - in fact they SHOULD be. I know if we all try to fit into the "normal" relationship mold then half of us will fail. Half of us do fail! So if this is something that works for some people then I am willing to try it. I'm just worried it means I may not be the one for him and he just is avoiding that reality (subconsciously) by making up all these rules and times to make this relationship work for him . . . that make sense? 5. This isn't a new thing. As one of you pointed out - at the beginning during the "honeymoon" phase we did spend much more time together but some of our other relationships (friendships) and interests were neglected. This is normal and we realized it about 8 months in. This is when he was honest about his need for balance and more space and time to maintain all these areas of interest that keep him happy. It was an adjustment at first but it became something that worked well for both of us. Lately though it has come up that he wouldn't be up for changing this at all, say for example, moving in together while still trying to maintain those things - alone time, friend time, etc etc. I feel this is something we are going to (or should have to) face at some point. 6. He says he has never felt this way for anyone nor has he ever wanted to make things work with somebody more - but he does admit he doesn't know for sure if he wants marriage and a family. He isn't ready to move in together and he is 50/50 on the marriage / family part. He knows this is something he needs to learn about himself. Otherwise he says he is happy in the relationship, thinks we are great together, etc, - which we actually are! I think that speaks to all of your responses. . . let me know what you think! Thanks! I love this! Mandy you are strong and realistic. You have a good head on your shoulders. You know what your head (not heart) is telling you.... I feel confident just leaving you to listen to it. You know deep down inside already what is right and what is wrong. The only advice I can give you at this point is to listen to it. You will pick the right outcome if you are strong enough. 1
Author mandysask Posted March 3, 2014 Author Posted March 3, 2014 OK forget the whole intovert / extrovert thing. That's really not his excuse it's just stating that he DOES need time alone (like i do - i am an introvert too). He also like to socialize with his friends alone 1 or two nights per week. Just letting you all know that this isn't really worth debating . . . I don't think it has much to do with the issue.
thegreatesthumphrey Posted March 3, 2014 Posted March 3, 2014 OK forget the whole intovert / extrovert thing. That's really not his excuse it's just stating that he DOES need time alone (like i do - i am an introvert too). He also like to socialize with his friends alone 1 or two nights per week. Just letting you all know that this isn't really worth debating . . . I don't think it has much to do with the issue. Ok Mandy, its about compromise, not what he wants or needs completely. If you are happy with him, but he shows its an effort to bend for you, or doesnt, its no longer a compromise. You said that he really wants 3-4, but its 2-3 with your persistence. If you have to push for his time, then its wrong. No matter how happy you are, you can be happier. Even if he is a good guy... HE IS NOT WHAT YOU WANT! Im on your side Mandy. Im not saying the relationship is pointless. Im just saying you need to make yourself comfortable in it, and if you are not allowed to do that, then it is wrong. 2
WP4046 Posted March 3, 2014 Posted March 3, 2014 After 2.5 years he's not sure if he wants marriage and kids? Red flag... Maybe his financial situation doesn't allow him to get married
Els Posted March 3, 2014 Posted March 3, 2014 If you're not happy with it, then you don't have to put up with it. It doesn't matter whether other people would or wouldn't be happy with it; it's your life. You need to talk to him about it, and see if you can work out a reasonable compromise. Do not expect that things will automatically change with marriage; most of the time, they don't. So, either you work out a compromise that works for both of you, or you find that you aren't compatible and go separate ways. Do not just settle for this because some people tell you it is normal; there is no true 'normal' in relationships, only 'what works for both of you'. 2
thegreatesthumphrey Posted March 3, 2014 Posted March 3, 2014 Maybe his financial situation doesn't allow him to get married No because, when you consider marriage you consider both incomes and OP says she is independent and owns her own business.
WP4046 Posted March 3, 2014 Posted March 3, 2014 No because, when you consider marriage you consider both incomes and OP says she is independent and owns her own business. he still had to get the ring
thegreatesthumphrey Posted March 3, 2014 Posted March 3, 2014 he still had to get the ring If he was seriously looking for a ring he wouldnt be wasting money at the bar with his friends.
pickflicker Posted March 3, 2014 Posted March 3, 2014 Maybe his financial situation doesn't allow him to get married The right woman wouldn't care. Get married in a park in your jeans and have your reception at the pub, who cares? You either want to, or not. "Not sure" is code for "not with you". 3
ExpatInItaly Posted March 3, 2014 Posted March 3, 2014 I think the bigger issue is the fact that he doesn't seem to have the same future goals as you do, if I'm understanding the situation correctly. Do you want marriage and kids, OP? Do you hope to live with him in the near future? You've been together a while now. If he still isn't sure he wants these things, now would be the ideal time to step back and assess whether you're really compatible in the long-term. Otherwise, you could be waiting a very long time for something that isn't going to happen. You would be wasting valuable time with a guy who isn't going to give you what you want.
yankees51988 Posted March 3, 2014 Posted March 3, 2014 I would not marry a girl if we were only dating 2.5 years, that is too fast to rush into marriage, IMO. As for space, I hate when a girlfriend calls you to hang out every single day and never gives you a day to do your own thing, it makes the relationship turn crappy. I would like 2 nights apart a week probably to go out with my friends and party one night and to just relax by myself another.
HeartbrokenNewbie Posted March 3, 2014 Posted March 3, 2014 I hate to say this but I think he could be preparing to break up... give him all the space he wants... dont even question it just give it and do your own thing when u are not with him... act like u are more than happy with it xx
AMusing Posted March 4, 2014 Posted March 4, 2014 Hi Mandy, For whatever it's worth, I definitely can identify with you. I've been dating my boyfriend (he's 32, I'm 29) for 1.5 years. Throughout the entire time we've dated, he likes to see me once during the week and then for ~1/2 of the weekend. Honestly, it's been hard getting used to it for me. I always feel like the more interested party (whether it's true or not), because I'm always in the state of missing him, whereas he doesn't seem to really miss me (unless he's gone for an extended period). I disagree with some of the other posters, though; I don't think it's evidence that he wants to break up. After all, he's getting exactly what he needs out of the relationship: he loves you, he sees you as often as he wants, he gets the free time he wants, and it sounds like he has next to no pressure for a greater commitment than he wants (yet, at least). From his point of view, there is really no motivation to leave you. Unfortunately, I can't give you any real advice, only tell you that you aren't alone. I'm grappling with whether or not to stay in my relationship as well, for many of the same reasons you are. I guess the best advice I can give is to ask yourself if your relationship now, as is, makes you sufficiently happy. If not, ask yourself if you really think it will change enough to fulfill your needs (while still fulfilling your boyfriend's needs). After all, it doesn't really matter how "normal" our boyfriends are; it only matters if we're happy with them. 2
WP4046 Posted March 4, 2014 Posted March 4, 2014 I would not marry a girl if we were only dating 2.5 years, that is too fast to rush into marriage, IMO. As for space, I hate when a girlfriend calls you to hang out every single day and never gives you a day to do your own thing, it makes the relationship turn crappy. I would like 2 nights apart a week probably to go out with my friends and party one night and to just relax by myself another. being together everyday is weird
Els Posted March 4, 2014 Posted March 4, 2014 Hi Mandy, For whatever it's worth, I definitely can identify with you. I've been dating my boyfriend (he's 32, I'm 29) for 1.5 years. Throughout the entire time we've dated, he likes to see me once during the week and then for ~1/2 of the weekend. Honestly, it's been hard getting used to it for me. I always feel like the more interested party (whether it's true or not), because I'm always in the state of missing him, whereas he doesn't seem to really miss me (unless he's gone for an extended period). I disagree with some of the other posters, though; I don't think it's evidence that he wants to break up. After all, he's getting exactly what he needs out of the relationship: he loves you, he sees you as often as he wants, he gets the free time he wants, and it sounds like he has next to no pressure for a greater commitment than he wants (yet, at least). From his point of view, there is really no motivation to leave you. Unfortunately, I can't give you any real advice, only tell you that you aren't alone. I'm grappling with whether or not to stay in my relationship as well, for many of the same reasons you are. I guess the best advice I can give is to ask yourself if your relationship now, as is, makes you sufficiently happy. If not, ask yourself if you really think it will change enough to fulfill your needs (while still fulfilling your boyfriend's needs). After all, it doesn't really matter how "normal" our boyfriends are; it only matters if we're happy with them. Yes, this. Very well put. Honestly, I don't think it's a good idea to assess interest/investment solely by how often you are meeting, in a vacuum (or how quickly he wants marriage and kids). There is much more to a relationship than that. That being said, it's totally okay to not be happy with the frequency of meeting, and decide to leave if a compromise can't be reached. For the record, there is no way I would be okay with a SO of 2.5 years dividing his week 50/50 between me and friends. I'm sure there are happy Rs that involve people doing that, but mine isn't like that and yours doesn't have to be either if you don't want it to. Good luck, whatever you decide.
Allumere Posted March 4, 2014 Posted March 4, 2014 I don't want to bash your guy in that from what you said he has expressed his position...BUT, he is comfortable. There is no need to do anything....he has the cow and the milk...I know, awful expression. But huni, it isn't what you want. So, tell me, when do you think he is going to decide he wants to live together, get married, have children....I thinking no time soon if ever. Time for some serious heart to heart conversations...this goes beyond "his-time" request. 1
WP4046 Posted March 4, 2014 Posted March 4, 2014 I don't want to bash your guy in that from what you said he has expressed his position...BUT, he is comfortable. There is no need to do anything....he has the cow and the milk...I know, awful expression. But huni, it isn't what you want. So, tell me, when do you think he is going to decide he wants to live together, get married, have children....I thinking no time soon if ever. Time for some serious heart to heart conversations...this goes beyond "his-time" request. Your last sentence takes all the fun out of dating
robaday Posted March 4, 2014 Posted March 4, 2014 I dont think 2-3 nights a week on his own is unreasonable. He calls you when your not together and spends the majority of the week with you. Everyone is different. People saying he gets what he wants etc etc. I grew up with both parents living in different countries and who only spent 4 months a year together. To me that was normal so when I have relationships I really like my alone time, its what Im used to, expecting me to change that would be weird - some people grow up with parents incredibly close and spending all their time together - you wouldnt change their expectations either......
Keenly Posted March 4, 2014 Posted March 4, 2014 Space makes a relationship healthy. Too much time together and you start to resent each other. You need that space as the pressure release valve. Also... gain some INDEPENDENCE, for god sakes.
Eggplant Posted March 4, 2014 Posted March 4, 2014 I'm in an irritable mood right now, and I'm inclined to advice you to use your days off to go out dancing till 3-AM. While space in a relationship is generally healthy, the fact that the guy has everything he needs and is the opposite of craving more is not the dynamic that ever leads to marriage, if that's what you want. I say give him a TON of space at this point. And I mean a TON.
Keenly Posted March 4, 2014 Posted March 4, 2014 I'm in an irritable mood right now, and I'm inclined to advice you to use your days off to go out dancing till 3-AM. While space in a relationship is generally healthy, the fact that the guy has everything he needs and is the opposite of craving more is not the dynamic that ever leads to marriage, if that's what you want. I say give him a TON of space at this point. And I mean a TON. That's kind of a passive aggressive thing to do to your boyfriend that just communicated and was honest with you. God forbid a man wants to have some time to do whatever he wants to do, whether that's be with friends or nothing at all. Are you all really so codependent? 1
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